Amelia POV
We sit quietly in the living room. There is something on the TV, but neither myself nor my mother are watching. We share occasional glances, our eyes flicking to look at one other before turning away again. When I check my phone, I see that it is past eleven am, we will have to leave to collect the kids soon, so I decide to break the silence.
"Before we go to the hospital to see Sofia and pick up Mers kids, I need to talk to you about Zola."
She gives me a questioning gaze before asking for more information. "What about her?"
"I'm not sure she wants to see you again this afternoon."
"Why not? Is she okay? She seemed fine yesterday. Did I do something wrong?"
"She's fine. She's just a little uncomfortable around you, she didn't want to upset you by saying it yesterday though."
"Uncomfortable?"
"You're a stranger to her. You haven't seen her in five years and you're telling her to call you Grandma. Bailey and Ellis aren't really old enough to care about that, but Zola is, and she doesn't understand why you weren't in her life, especially after her dad died." I clarify, not having the intention of hurting my mothers feelings, but also being aware that she will most likely be upset at the concept regardless.
"She didn't seem to have any issues."
"Because she was being polite. I went over there last night after you left and she told me she was unsure whether she wanted to see you today and asked me to find out why you didn't come visit her." I state, pausing to give her a chance to answer Zola's question.
"I don't know, I guess because it would hurt too much to think about him. It was hard enough with your sisters, but seeing you, and his kids would have been too much."
"Why me? First I remind you of dad, then of Derek? What do I have to do with it." I ask bluntly. I'm a little offended that I am being blamed for yet another thing that was completely out of my control.
"I was scared you were going to go off the rails again, I thought that if I came, it would make it harder and I couldn't bear to see you like that."
"If you'd have come in the months after Derek's death, yeah. I would have been a mess. I lost the only relative I had that cared about me. The only family member that had always been there for me. But what about the other four and a half years? You can't blame those on me."
"No, the other four years are on me. I didn't want to see you because it was a reminder of another time I'd failed. I wasn't there for you after your dad, and then I abandoned you again after Derek. I didn't mean to avoid the kids, they were just collateral I guess. I didn't want you to be upset with me." She reaches out, placing her hand over mine in an attempt to be vulnerable, to make not only physical contact but also emotional contact but I shake my head and pull my hand away.
"Collateral? Really? I wasn't upset, but I kind of am now. You let your issues with me affect Zola's life?!" I pause, realising that I had become angry, that my voice was raised and I do not want to alert the neighbours. I take a breath before continuing. "She's a child, she doesn't deserve that. "
"Amelia, I'm sorry." She states softly but I shake my head, still struggling to control my emotions in this context.
"I'm not the one you should be apologising to. Zola lost her dad, and I know how much that hurts. She is terrified she is going to forget him so I spend half the time I'm with her trying to think of stories about him, just like Derek did for me when dad died. You could have been there to help her but you weren't."
"If you make her talk to me, I could try to explain."
"I'm not going to make her do anything that she doesn't want to. I'll ask her if she wants to, but if she says no, I won't make her."
"She's a child, Amelia." My Mom explains, her voice condescending and all knowing but I stand strong. Zola deserves more.
"She is, but she is the most mature and smart 11 year old I've ever met. She's been through way more pain than any child should go through. She has earnt the right to make her own decisions."
"Ask her if she will talk to me, please? Ask her what would make her more comfortable."
"I will."
"Would it be acceptable for me to get Sofia a get well soon gift? I don't want to overstep." My Mom asks cautiously. She is clearly worried that I am still irritated by her previous comments and is attempting not to antagonise me further.
"I'm sure she would appreciate that."
"What does she like to do? What kind of thing is she interested in?"
"Her favourite thing to do is read. She would read books all day every day if she were allowed. She also likes anything creative, drawing and typical 10 year old girl stuff." I appreciate that the conversation has drifted to something easier to discuss, something that has no associated risk of upset.
"What about stuffed toys? Does she like those? If I remember correctly you used to have a tonne of them."
"She has a few, but isn't too bothered. The only one she really cares for was from Mark." I offer a sad smile at the mention of the girl's father. Mark was a big part of both mine and my mother's lives. During his teenage years, he spent a lot of time at our house. He was part of the family.
"Could you help me pick out some things that she will like?" She requests and I nod, yes.
"Sure. I just need a few minutes to pack a bag before we go."
"A bag for what?"
"Sofia asked if I could stay with her tonight. I think she will probably change her mind and want Arizona, but I'd rather be prepared in case she doesn't. Also stuff to take the kids out this afternoon. Whether it's me or Arizona with the kids, if we have Ellis, we are going to need baby wipes and tissues and stuff. That kid is skilled at making a mess." I explain, recalling the event last week where we both ended up coated in apple juice.
"Take your time. Do you mind if I call Lizzie? Just to check that her kids haven't burned my house down yet?"
I am unsure why she is asking me this but I nod to tell her it is fine. "You don't need permission, just, don't talk about what I've said today, please. It's my story to tell."
"Of course. Am I allowed to talk about the kids?" I appreciate her asking this because it shows that she is taking my request for privacy seriously. She is considering what I want/need.
"Yeah, it's fine. Do what you need to do." I say softly, heading towards my bedroom to start gathering my things.
As I am collecting my clothes, I hear noise coming from my mother's phone and I conclude that she must be on video call or have put them on speaker. I hear my sisters' kids greeting their Grandmother and I can't help but think how lucky those kids are to have had a solid family structure, how different their relationship to their grandmother is to Derek's kids. I listen to Lizzie as she tells her kids to leave her to talk to our Mom for a moment and the grumbles and moans of the kids as they leave her side. I hear my sister ask my Mom whether I have driven her insane yet as well as asking when she will be coming home. I roll my eyes at her statement, not sure what I expected to hear from her but my Mom steps in. She tells my sister to be nicer to me, that I haven't done anything wrong and that I am not the same person that I was twenty years ago. I'm surprised to hear my mother standing up for me. It is rare that she even says anything nice about me, never mind defending me against my sisters. I finish throwing the items I need into a bag and stand in the hallway. I know it's wrong but I can't help but stand and listen to their conversation.
"Mom, it's Amelia we are talking about here. Wait, is she there? Can she hear me?" My sister panics, believing that my Mom is only being nice now because I can hear her. My Mom tells her otherwise.
"I'm at her place but she's in the other room. She's grown, Lizzie. She's an amazing Mom and a great Aunt to Derek's kids. She's happy here and doing well for herself."
"Wait, Mom? Amelia has a kid?"
"She's co-parenting her partner's daughter. Sofia is 10 and she is incredible. That kid loves your sister, she looks up to her."
"Amelia as a role model. I never thought I'd see the day." I hear my sister say and I can't help but laugh. I never thought I'd see the day I was a role model either but somehow, here I am.
I misstep and the floorboards creak informing my mother that I am moving. I pick up the bag and head through to the living room.
"Hey little sister." I hear Lizzie say and I pull a fake smile onto my face as I step into the frame, standing behind the couch where my mother is sitting.
"Hi Liz."
"That's all you've got to say?" She asks bluntly, hinting that she wants more information regarding my life and the things my mother had told her. "You're not going to introduce me to your kid?"
"The kids' name is Sofia, and no can do. She's in the hospital recovering from an emergency appendectomy."
"Is she okay?" Lizzie asks, and I can hear the concern in her voice. Whether her concern is for the sick child or whether the stress will send me spiralling I'm unsure, but either way, it does not matter. My response is the same regardless.
"Yeah, she's going to be fine. She will just be in the hospital for a few days. You know the drill." She is a doctor too, she knows the process as well as I do.
"Is your boyfriend with her?" To say that I'm shocked at her question is an understatement. I was so sure that Derek would have told my sisters about the time he caught me making out with a girl in school. Even if Derek hadn't told them, I was absolutely certain that my mom would have at least told them about Arizona. She has known for months.
"Girlfriend, but yeah, she is." I explain with an awkward smile. I've rarely had to come out to anybody, I've always just been okay with being myself and my friends/family found out when I was dating somebody.
"Wait, you're gay? Since when" Liz asks. Her tone shows she isn't attempting to be offensive, rather she is curious about the information.
"Bi actually and since highschool I guess?" I state hesitantly. "I assumed you knew, or that Mom had told you guys." I say awkwardly, looking at my mom.
"It's your business to tell, not mine." My mom says simply.
"You could have told them. It's not like I'm hiding our relationship, we have been together for years now."
"Well you didn't tell me until what, four or five months ago?" My mother responds and I can't help but laugh because this feels like a dispute that a normal family would have. The argument is intense in words, but there is no harm intended. It's more of a quarrel.
"In my defence, I presumed Derek would have told you guys when I was a kid."
"Derek knew? No way. He would have told us."
"I'm as surprised as you are?! He caught me making out with a girl when I was 15. I honestly thought he would have told you." I feel myself blush a little at this admission. Recalling the embarrassment that I had felt then, but feeling safe with him knowing anyway. The way he told me that he didn't care who I dated, but he did care that I was skipping class. He wanted me to be happy.
"Damn. I guess Der could keep secrets. So who is the kid? Is she adopted or your girlfriends from a previous relationship or what?" Lizzie is curious, I don't blame her, but it still feels weird talking about Sofias past like this. Despite my hesitancy, I explain my daughter's heritage.
"A bit of both. My girlfriend's ex cheated on her with Mark and got pregnant, but my girlfriend won the custody battle. Sofia gets to choose who she lives with though, she is old enough."
"You're raising Mark Sloan's daughter?" My sister clarifies and I nod.
"Yeah, I am. And for the record, I never thought I'd be seen as a role model either, but somehow it worked out this way."
"I'm happy for you, Sis. You'll have to send photos of the kid. I'd love to see them."
"Who are you and what have you done with Lizzie? You're never this nice to me." I joke, though the sentiment is accurate. It is rare for any of my sisters to be this pleasant.
"I'm too shocked to be mean." She states with an eye roll. "But seriously, I want pictures."
"You just want proof to show Kath and Nancy." I state, seeing straight through her intentions but agreeing to send the images she requested anyway.
"I do. I very much do. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy for you."
"I uh, thanks, I guess." I say to my sister, stepping out of view of the camera and turning to face away from my Mom to wipe the tears that were building in my eyes."
"Liz, I've got to go. We are going to the hospital. Give the kids a kiss from me."
"I will. Bye Mom. Hope your kid is okay, Amelia."
"Amelia, are you okay?" My Mom asks, standing up and walking around to face me.
"I just need a minute."
"She loves you, y'know. I know you guys don't usually get along, but she loves you."
"I mean, yeah, that was weird but…." I pause as I try to explain, offering a slightly nervous laugh before continuing. "You stuck up for me. You've never done that before. You told Liz that I've changed."
"You have changed, Amelia. You're not the same girl you were 20 years ago. I wasn't just saying it to get Lizzie to stop. I meant what I said, every word."
"I am still her though, I just have better ways of coping, I guess." I tell her truthfully. I know that I haven't changed that much. "I'm still a mess. All the thoughts I had back then, suicidal thoughts, thoughts about drugs and getting high, wanting to run from my family, I still have them. I'm still that girl, I just have better coping mechanisms."
"The fact that you can admit to being a mess, you can talk about your flaws and deal with them in healthy ways shows that you have grown as a person. When you were living at home you were defensive and angry, you wouldn't let anybody in. You crumbled under the pressure of your own life. But now, you've let Arizona in and she is putting you back together again, piece by piece. You've grown, and growth is a good thing."
"Not if you're a tumour." I respond bluntly, not sure what to do with the words my mother had just given to me. I have waited my whole life for her approval, and now I have it. I don't quite know how to process it all.
"I see dark humour is still one of your coping mechanisms." I feel my Mom's hand graze lightly across my arm as her other hand reaches up to wipe my tears. She keeps her body a step away, only reaching toward me with her arms. She is trying to physically distance herself, she doesn't want to scare me after I told her about my rape earlier this morning. I take the step towards her and wrap my arms around her body. She seems shocked, but immediately hugs back.
"I really needed to hear that." I whisper softly into the embrace and I feel her arms tighten a small amount around me. "But none of this changes the past. Everything that I had to go through on my own, you can't change that now."
"I'm trying to do better. Doesn't that count for something?"
"It does. I appreciate that you are trying, but I can't just forget everything that happened overnight. I know I need to forgive you, having resentments is problematic in remaining sober, but forgiveness doesn't mean I trust you. It is going to take time." I know my words may hurt, but I stay strong and stay honest. Lying to make her feel better isn't going to be beneficial for either of us.
"You were the one to get back in touch though. Those months ago, when you facetimed, it seemed like you wanted to have a relationship."
"Arizona told me to talk to you. I was against it, especially at first. I don't need you anymore. I did back when I was a kid, but I don't anymore. I'm finally okay on my own. But then I thought about the kids. They should have the opportunity to decide whether they want you in their lives. So I'm trying, for them." She nods to show that she understands, but beyond this and the disappointment evident in her eyes, she doesn't respond. "And I'm sorry if this upsets you, I'm just trying to be more open. I'm not trying to push you away."
"Okay. So what now?"
So thats all for today. I had a few reviews/private messages suggesting that Amelia may still not be okay with Carolyn, and I completely agree. I wrote this chaper a while back and there are more issues regarding the impact of her mothers sudden visit on Amelia in future chapters.
Also, I wrote a ramdon Amelia April friendship minific. It is 3 chapters (7K) of shameless hurt/comfort if anybody is interested.
Thank you for reading!