'Cause nobody seems to ask about me anymore
And nobody seems to care 'bout anything I think
And nobody seems to recognize me in the crowd
In the background screamin', "everybody, look at me"

And I'm faded away, you know, I used to be on fire
I'm standin' in the ashes of who I used to be
You know, I used to be on fire, fire

Halsey – Angel on Fire

Chapter 50: Parting Clouds

Lexi

I slipped into my life in Alaska I'm sure as many of my kind do – slowly, steadily, and by doing nothing other than existing by putting one foot in front of the other. I online shopped with Rosalie, I played cards with Alice and Jasper, I hunted with Emmett and Garett, and even took an interest in Carmen's greenhouse. It was in Alaska that I finally stopped obsessing over the fact that I would never get the respite of sleep - let's be honest, name one person who doesn't love to sleep. With all this time on my hands, I realized I had more time left to just think and it could, at times, make you feel a little crazy.

The one thing I couldn't wrap my head around, however, was the idea of forever.

Perched on the cliff face, I'd found the perfect sloping slab of rock that was shaped a lot like a recliner, only several hundred feet off the ground. My eyes scanned over Edward as he climbed his way up the rock face, zipping past me with his wife on his back. Craning my head, I watched them reach the top and laugh together, Bella hopping off his back to gaze into his eyes. The look he returned hers with rivaled the brightness of the sun – the sheer and utter happiness that dripped off of them was hard to ignore. Okay, so they had clearly accepted the idea of forever.

Why couldn't I?

A familiar face raced to the front of my mind; all sloping jaw bones, dark eyebrows, brooding stares and a lip that was sometimes permanently pulled back into a snarl. Brady.

I wasn't naive. I knew that my new family's ties to the Quileute pack were everlasting – it wasn't something I was hopeful to escape anytime soon. Renesmee and Jacob were blissfully happy together, and I knew that as long as I was a part of the Cullen clan I would see Jacob and the rest of the pack. There was no escaping that. I was sure that in one way or another I'd be subject to watching my former imprint live his life and age and carry on without me. I'd either run into him in the forest or at some vampire, wolfpack meeting that seemed like it should only take place in a fairytale or something or I'd hear Nessie talk about it…

One way or another, Brady was going to move on without me. He was going to retire from phasing, age and live his life.

He would die.

I had no heart – only cold, hard granite, but sometimes I swore I could feel the place where my heart used to be and pang with longing and pain when I thought of it. My thoughts raced to a hundred years from now and the idea of me standing, perfectly frozen at eighteen, on top of a pile of earth with his name carved into a stone in front of me. My eyes closed and I took a deep breath of the crisp mountain air. I didn't know what time it was; or day, or even month, for that matter. If I concentrated I could figure out how long I'd been in Alaska or how long it had been since the phone under my pillow had chimed with a message from him, but it hurt too deeply to think about. Somehow I knew he wouldn't call or text, but I still kept the phone charged and ready if he should ever change his mind.

Even if he did, that wouldn't change things my treacherous mind echoed. There was no cure for vampirism. Nothing would ever change the granite back to flesh.

I swallowed at the thought, my mouth bitter with venom. I needed to hunt, I told myself – the only thing that would wash the bitterness away was blood, if only for a short time. Yes, the warm, cloying taste of blood in my mouth would temporarily distract me from just about anything – even wistful thoughts of Brady and the love that would never be.

Quick hands on the rock face below alerted me someone was coming, but it didn't take long for the scent of leather-bound books and sea-air to meet my nostrils. Fred.

He popped up onto the cliff face and offered me a crooked smile. I returned it before we both craned our necks upwards to watch as the rest of the family laughed and played about on the side of the mountain. Alice had made a game of tossing little boulders up into the air and everyone taking turns punching them into smithereens midair. The crashes of rock would make the group erupt into hoots of laughter as the ante was upped each time.

"Race to the bottom, then track the moose pack from earlier?" he offered awkwardly, tossing his head to rid a piece of hair from his eyes. I grinned at Fred and nodded. He wasn't a newborn by any means – his eyes had turned golden long before I'd arrived in Alaska, but he wasn't so old and practiced that he would ever turn down a hunt. The past few weeks he had become a sort of quiet hunting companion that was up for almost anything.

"Ladies get a millisecond head start," he mumbled, not meeting my eyes. Vampires didn't fidget, but Fred looked like he sure wanted to. He toed a rock with the tip of his sneaker and glanced at the horizon as if pretending to turn a blind eye to my head start. I took off at a sprint down the rocky terrain, jumping and letting myself fall when it got too steep to do anything else. A laugh bubbled out of my chest as I flew, my body moving so fast it was almost horizontal to the ground. Hitting the earth with a dull thump, it only took a split second for my vampire senses to tell me to head east – back towards the herd of moose we'd seen earlier. Fred's long legs were no joke, and within half a second he was trailing after me as we tore through the frozen woodland.

The moose were easy to find – large, loud, and slow-moving – they didn't make for much of a hunt, but it was big enough to keep me sated for almost a week. The kill was fast and clean and I would have marveled at how clean my clothes were had I not been so utterly fixated on my meal at hand.

The carcass slid from my iron grip, falling to the ground with a thud. We'd eaten so quickly I could still hear the echoes of the rest of the picnicked herd as it fled, all flat feet and thundering hearts. I knew it was only a moose – not even a carnivore – but the feeling I got after feeding was just utter bliss. Nothing could describe it – I felt full, calm, sated, sane, and just content. It was one of the few moments I wasn't imagining myself pining after Brady and the life I'd lost for centuries on end and was able to just live. Opening my mouth, I tasted the clean Alaskan air and for a split second my throat didn't splinter in pain.

"That's nice," I breathed, exhaling.

Fred finished his moose, nodding quietly. He smirked to himself, but not in a mean way. He wasn't like a lot of the vampires I knew – he didn't blurt out his every thought or joke or comment, but rather kept it to himself like a private little joke. I made a mental note to ask Edward what his thoughts sounded like without acting like I was prying.

"Thanks for hunting with me. I feel like I drag you into it all the time."

He shrugged, his golden eyes scanning the area around us for a tree to uproot. "It's no problem," he said softly, spying one and gingerly uprooting it. He disposed of his and politely offered to take mine before we set off back towards the mountain.

"I know, but I'm so bad at this. I feel like I hunt five times more than everyone else."

He made a face and shook his head sharply. "No, they've had years. Decades. Centuries, some of them. You can't expect… well, you can't expect it to be that easy."

"Do you struggle with it still?"

Fred pressed his lips into a thin line as we walked, thinking a moment. The guy never did so much as utter a single syllable without thinking it over. "Yes and no. My thoughts turn dark and my eyes go black whenever humans are near so yes, I do struggle with it, but… I don't think I'll make that mistake. I had a different experience than you did."

I ducked around a sapling, moving the branches out of my way as we ambled through the woods. "What do you mean?" I frowned.

"Well… don't get angry, alright?" he met my eyes and I could see he was warring with his words.

"Alright."

He paused, longer this time as he thought about what he wanted to say. "While I'm glad you met the Cullens so early on, it… well, sometimes I don't know if making you be a vegetarian right away is always the best thing."

Frowning, I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

Sighing, he pushed past another sapling and paused again. His brows pushed together as he thought. "Do you struggle around humans?"

My mind flashed briefly and with all too great detail of the afternoon I'd almost murdered an unsuspecting delivery man. Venom pooled on my tongue, and I fought to think of anything else and answer his question.

"I've only ever been close enough to one, and… well, yes. I do. No, it wasn't just a struggle," I admitted, "It was awful. The things I thought about doing…"

Glancing up at his face, I expected to see disgust. He only looked at me with understanding and I realized he was exactly the opposite of pitying. He understood. I felt my stomach do an imaginary flop. What was that all about, I wondered? Chewing my lip, I put one foot in front of the other as we ambled across the snowy forest.

"Right. So… I didn't have the experience you did. When I woke up from the change, a human was shoved at me first thing. I had barely opened my eyes before an unconscious, already bleeding body was shoved into my arms. They didn't even have to force me," he sighed, "and it was like that for weeks. Months! Just body after body shoved at me. At first they were out cold, then… then when I was no longer new, they… they made me go out and hunt."

I swallowed in fear, glancing over at Fred as he spoke. His large, pretty eyes had glazed over and he looked suddenly manic with sadness.

"So many times I ended a life, each time feeling more and more disgusted with myself. I hated it, I hated… them, I hated what I'd become. Feeling someone die in my arms made me… well, it changed me," he muttered, finishing his explanation. "I just wonder if it would be easier for you to not kill if you'd actually… erm, done it… before. It's just a theory, it's not… ignore me," he muttered, brushing his hand through the air.

I briefly wondered who them was he was referring to and nodded. He was right – his entry into this life was nothing like mine. Whereas I'd yet to taste human blood, he'd been provided more than he could handle on a silver platter. Yet more proof on top of what the cullens had already told me - that killing and drinking humans just wasn't worth it in the end. Of course their blood was practically irresistible and the thought of consuming it still nearly sent me into a frenzy, but… somehow this helped.

"No, that's very… scientific of you. I'd never thought of it that way, actually."

He shrugged and pushed another branch out of the way. "I guess you could say I've had a lot of time to think about it.

"Did you… was it hard to stop?"

Fred paused his gait again but his eyebrows un-furrowed and his golden eyes were suddenly clear; resolute.

"No… and yes. I gave it up when I left my creator. I'd heard that our kind could survive on animal blood, so I knew it would be sufficient. Strength was another issue; it was impossible for me to know if abstaining would keep me strong, but that's where my gift came in handy."

I smiled. "Ah, yes, the… what's it called?"

"Eleazar coined it repulsive magnetism, but I just think I'm a bit of a freak. So did… the ones who created me," he smiled crookedly. We found ourselves back at the base of the cliff face we'd be climbing earlier, and wasted no time wordlessly scaling it to the top. The view was still amazing to me; a vast, breathtaking landscape of mountains and trees all frozen as far as our vampire eyes could see. It was amazing. I sat on the edge of the cliff, my feet dangling, and glanced up at him in a silent plea to join me. He did, placing himself a safe four feet away.

"So… how did it work then?"

"Simple," he chuckled, "I just… used to repulse those around me, the other newborns into forgetting I was even there. Our creator was out, scouting out new recruits and it was just me about a bunch of others that were my age or even younger. I snuck away one night and prayed my range was big enough I could get away without anyone noticing and… it worked. Nothing difficult, really – newborns are so all over the place they don't focus on much for very long."

"Tell me about it," I grumbled.

His smile waivered. "Erm… nooffense," he offered haltingly. "But I think you've almost out of the newborn phase. You're much calmer and controlled than anyone I ever knew who only had a few months at this."

"Thanks, I guess. Carlisle and Jasper swear it's because I've never fed on humans, but… I think most of it is just the environment I'm in."

"That could be. It would make an interesting study."

I wrinkled my nose and tucked my hair behind my ears. "Really? I never liked doing stuff like that in school. I guess it wouldn't be too bad."

"That's what I am. Well, was. A science nerd who hated being around people and loved reading and school and anything scientific. I loved a good opportunity to research off, just… alone," he gave a little snort. "So… it's only fitting."

"What is?"

Fred looked at me, his eyes resting on mine for a moment until I had to look away. Suddenly, the trees around me grew so interesting – every shift and movement drew my sharp eyes, and my nose picked up the scent of pine. Off in the distance, I could hear the rest of the group laughing at something, and I briefly wondered what it was they found so funny. But why was I out in the woods alone? I stood, disappointed, wondering why I'd somehow wandered off from the main group. It wasn't like me to just go off on my own andn -

"Hey!" I gasped, my mind snapping back to Fred. In the split second he'd used his powerful gift on me, I'd completely forgotten about him mid-conversation and had even stood up to leave. Carmen and Eleazar had spoken of how powerful his gift was, but that was really the first time it had just been concentrated, directed straight at me. I scowled and focused on him, hard, as if I expected him to do it a second time.

"See?"

"No fair!"

My eyes narrowed in on his playfully smirking face and sparkling golden eyes. His slightly crooked nose kept his face from being too perfect but I was starting to realize he was truly handsome. Startled at the thought, I looked away and tried to act casual.

"I get it. So that's how it works, huh?"

"More or less," he shrugged, "you would have remembered me eventually. My gift is what I make of it; I was awkward and closed off as a human, so I guess it's only fitting."

"Aw, don't say that! Don't… put yourself down like that. It's not very nice," I reprimanded him before thinking. Fred was turning out to be a great, albeit slightly strange friend to me, but I hated the self-deprecating words he would often direct at his own nerdiness.

He blinked owlishly me at me, surprised.

I shook my head. "Everyone has their thing. I didn't have a lot of friends in high school either."

I thought of the close friendships I'd made with Regan and Claire and felt my chest pang with longing to see them. What were they doing now? Probably something normal and boring and human, I thought longingly. Time wouldn't erase the fact that I still wanted my human life back.

"I don't remember having any. In fact," he frowned again, squinting off into the distance, "I don't remember my family well, but I don't even believe we were very tight knit. When I think back on my relationship with my parents I don't recall ever being close to them."

"I don't believe that," I muttered, glancing over at him. The Fred I'd gotten to know in the past few weeks was shy, reserved, and bookish, but he had yet to demonstrate that he was unkind or strange enough to be avoided.

He tilted his head and looked at me, another crooked smile appearing on the corner of his mouth.

"Well," he continued, shaking his head. "I do remember going to college… Stanford. I was studying to be a marine biologist. Strangely, that part of my human life I can remember with a lot of detail. It was the summer before my junior year of college when I was attacked on the beach. I was… I was doing a research project for my summer class and I was alone. He must have been… out, hunting… and found me."

"Who?" I blurted out, biting my lip in shame. How many times had I been told that a person's changing was a personal story? Ulgh, I'm so freaking awkward sometimes.

"Erm, his name was Riley. He came up to my campsite on the beach and… I just knew something was off. I remember feeling strange right away, like I was in danger. He asked… if I wanted some excitement. Like he was offering me drugs or something," he sniffed, looking down at his hands. "I wish."

I winced and listened as he retold the tale of his first few days with the others and how he'd slowly discovered his gift. He told me about befriending a girl named Bree who looked about as scared and defenseless as he felt.

"Riley tried to brainwash us into thinking this army of yellow-eyed vampires was going to come and kill us all and drink every human in Seattle," he snorted, "I thought and thought about it and couldn't decide if I believed him or not. He was… dramatic and tried too hard to be powerful, but yet… just acted like this dog, backed into a corner. He lashed out at everyone and everything and I just slowly realized that he was just… full of it. Every time he brought home a new, halfway changed vampire, he would spout all this nonsense about how we were all going to die. He was paranoid and it showed. Then he started training us to fight. I didn't want any part of that. So when they left to come and fight this other army, I took my chance while everyone was afraid and distracted. I ran."

"How did you know about the Cullens? About what they really were?"

"That was a chance I was willing to take. Anyone with half a brain and the sense enough to think straight could have realized what Riley was all about. I knew I needed to leave, and fast. I wasn't crazy about my new lifestyle, but I figured there had to be another way and I wasn't about to sacrifice for him. I've no love for my creator," he sighed, "so I got out of there and just ran. Riley could have used my gift in the battle against the yellow-eyed vampires, but I'm so glad I made the decision I did when I did. But I stayed away from Forks for a long time to make sure the dust had settled from whatever battle was going to be fought. I hung around the area for a few months, waiting… listening. I don't know where I ended up how long I was out there. There are others, you know, of our kind."

"Out there?"

"Mmm, nomads," he nodded. "I just ran around, travelling at night and hiding by day meeting others like us every few months. It was during that time that I began to experiment. The Cullens are… how do I say it? Famous, I guess, in our world for being what they are – vegetarians. Others told me it was possible, but I didn't believe them at first."

"I bet you experimented," I laughed.

He chuckled, "That I did. With… varying success. I realized it could be done but not easily. I found early on that I would need support and tips and experience to do it. This way of life isn't natural for our kind and it sure as heck isn't easy. So I headed back to Forks. A few nomads I met in upstate California hadn't even heard of Riley's army or his territory, so I figured I was safe to head back."

"Wow, that was… brave of you."

"Well, brave or incredibly stupid. But I came back to the area but I went the long way this time – through the reservation."

I gasped. "That's how you met the wolves." My mind pictured them circling my friend and I felt my breathing stop.

"In all honesty, I didn't know the territory had been claimed. I ran into a few of them in the woods one day and, well…"

"Did they hurt you?" I asked in one quick breath.

He grinned, flashing his teeth at me. "They would have had to catch me first."

"Wow," I sputtered. "That was… daring."

"I realized what they were eventually. They shifted and spoke to me and realized I wasn't going to hurt them. I told them what I wanted and they took me to the Cullens. Edward knew who I was because Bree, my friend, had warned him I might be coming."

"Where is Bree?" I asked, sitting up taller. "Is she a nomad now?"

His eyes grew suddenly sad and he slumped slightly. "No, she… she didn't survive the battle. She… she gave herself up, but the Volturi didn't think that counted. They killed her," he said quietly. "But before they did, she asked Edward to be kind to me if I ever found them. He kind of knew I'd be coming. It was her last thought, he told me. She just wanted them to be nice to me," he sighed sadly. "And luckily they were. Once I got here, with everyone, it just… got so much easier. I wasn't worried about killing people or fantasizing about hunting. No one made me hunt or kill or do anything I didn't want to do. Coming here was just this… bliss in the middle of all the chaos that had been my new life."

"I totally get what you mean," I sighed. "I wasn't ready for this life either, and… they saved me."

Thank you for reading :)