I'll never forget that feeling
When I watched you disappear
When you made me stop believing
I could fight away the fear
Like a broken dream I was incomplete
But your love was never missing

I feel like I am breathing again
I feel like I am seeing again
I feel like I am breathing again
I got it under control

Ellie Goulding – Under Control

Chapter 51: Fight or Flight

The monstrous fist came flying at me with faster speed than a bullet.

I yelped, expecting to dart out of the way. I wanted to dart out of the way.

But I didn't.

The beauty of instinct. My hand shot out, meeting the iron punch with a sharp crack, stopping it on its place. A growl ripped out of my throat as my hand flipped the fist in my palm and grabbed the wrist it was attached to. In the time it took me to blink I'd flipped the other vampire over my head with a swinging motion, slapping him against the hard ground with another resounding, thunderous crash. Teeth bared, I leaned over my prey and snarled down at him in the dirt in my most menacing way, like I'd been born to do it.

I blinked, straightening up as the spell was broken. Emmett looked up at me from the ground, his head upside down as he grinned.

"Not bad. Enjoy that newborn strength while ya got it. I suspect it's wearin' off by now," he winced, stretching as he rolled into a standing position. He gave me a chiding look. "And, can you please work on not looking so innocent two seconds after body slamming me? Might help my ego, kid."

"Sorry," I winced.

I wasn't a natural fighter and that was pretty clear. Body slamming and growling and punching and being menacing weren't things that were in my nature. Well, they didn't used to be that is. I was more about lounging on couches, watching TV, and not really doing anything that could possibly fall into the category of 'risky' before my change, but I guess that's why my new instincts were so important.

Fred and Jasper snickered from the outside of our makeshift training ring, both laughing at how un -menacing I really was.

I rolled my eyes and glanced around the forest and ignored their jibes. I was getting there, after all. Brushing the dirt off my jeans, I was once again glad I hadn't let Rosalie or Alice dress me. While they were fine with tossing their stained or ripped designer clothes in the garbage, I was not. Jeans, Chucks, and a simple cardigan suited me just fine. Slightly girly, but still functional.

The days had started to pass, faster and faster. It was spring in Alaska, or at least it was according to the calendar. The ground wasn't as hard when I ran – it was softer in places, showing signs of defrosting. Instead of inches and inches of snow, we got rain. So. Much. Rain. I started to wonder if it was even possible for Alaska to be rainier than Washington. My vampire eyes could see little bits of green everywhere that I'm sure human eyes would miss and the air smelled different. Almost alive. I'd been passing the time by learning how to fight and how to control my instincts. Rosalie, Alice, Bella, and Esme helped me by taking me to nearby towns to build up my immunity to humans, while Jasper and Emmett delighted in teaching me how to defend myself. While I'd originally not wanted anything to do with any sort of fighting, they'd reminded me that not all vampires I might encounter would be good, like us. So, I'd reluctantly agreed to have them teach me the basics. I suspected a few of the moves they'd shown me were slightly more offensive rather than simply defensive, but I would let them have their fun. Jasper was consistent in reminding me that my newborn strength would wear off and I couldn't use it as a defense mechanism. I had to learn how to fight like a real vampire.

Eek!

I'd been hesitant at first, but in the back of my mind I'd thought about the vampire who'd attacked me and Brady that day in the woods. The last I'd heard, he was still very much alive and on the loose. What if he came back? My memories of that day were of course foggy, but I didn't think 'stable' when I thought of him. He clearly had a bone to pick and so here we were. When Jasper had first asked me about my experience with fighting, I'd been mystified as to why I would need to hone that particular skill. Then, the thought of my killer came creeping into my mind and I knew my frightened face had given me away. He'd gently insisted we start right away.

So, every morning we would come out to a small clearing in the woods and Jasper and Emmett would show me all of their best moves. Fred would often tag along and silently watch, only offering a little snicker or wry smile before completely schooling all of us. Using his gift, he would start a playful sparring session and build confidence before turning on his power and wreaking havoc. He could make us forget him, but he could do so much more. If he turned it on full blast, we'd double over from nauseating discomfort all over our bodies and try to completely flee the area. With his gift turned up to full power, his could make every inch of your skin crawl and every synapse in your brain go on overload with displeasure. Gone were any thoughts of fighting – you just wanted the hell out of there. Or, if he was really good, he could make you forget about him for just a split second and attack with new vigor each time, catching you completely off guard at every turn.

His powers were frightening, but amazing. For the first time since my change I longed for a gift of my own. Bella's shield was interesting, Jasper's mood control was handy, but Fred's talent of repulsive magnetism wasn't anything to be messed with.

"It's strange…I can feel him thinking of repulsing us, but I completely forget why I was even thinking of it," Jasper murmured, leaning against a thick tree trunk.

"It's amazing," I agreed, watching as Emmett took a swing at Fred. He dodged it, but barely. Fred then sidestepped away, just out of Emmett's line of vision. We watched the bigger vampire's eyes go hazy as he frowned, as if suddenly forgetting what he was even doing.

Fred snickered. Emmett glared at him over his shoulder. "No fair! Find your off switch and let's have a real go. No cheating!" Emmett growled playfully.

Jasper rolled his eyes and shook his head at his brother. "Emmett is just thrilled to have a new playmate. But Fred's talent is unlike anything I've ever seen….and I've seen a lot."

I nodded. "Makes me wish I had something like that to defend myself. When he turns it on full blast it's just…."

When he didn't agree I looked over at him to see him smirking slightly at me.

"What?"

Jasper's mouth twisted slightly as he brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Well…I'm not sure Fred has ever really turned it on full blast around you, Lexi. I don't think his goal is to drive you away. In fact….I think it's just the opposite."

"Wait, what?"

He dodged my question with another smirk. "If you'll excuse me, I think I'll be heading back to the house. Alice made me promise we'd have more Icelandic lessons. She wants to vacation there this summer and she likes to….blend, when we travel."

"Iceland?" I breathed. The idea of it seemed so far away and foreign. It excited me, but I'd never even thought of travelling that far away for a vacation. It was exotic and a place I'd only read about.

He nodded. "We like to travel. Lots of things out there to see, after all. Not to mention it all changes every hundred years," he winked at me. "Would you want to go anywhere? See anything?"

I chewed my lip and thought of myself on a plane or a boat, trapped with all those human smells. It would be a blood bath. "Not…yet," I admitted.

Jasper gave me a knowing look and nodded. "Well perhaps someday down the road. I think you'll find you have plenty of time to think about it. Sé þig sienna," he drawled, walking calmly in the direction of the house.

"Huh? I muttered to myself, but he was already gone. I wasn't thinking of Iceland. What had he meant by that comment about Fred not wanting to turn his powers on full blast around me?

A feeling of being completely dumbstruck washed over me as I thought of Fred and the way he acted towards me. What could Jasper have seen? We were simply friends that was all. Right?

Later that same day, I took time to silently observe the other vampires around me, studying their mannerisms and watching them interact as a few of us relaxed in the great room of the Denali cabin. While Emmett was organizing his Fantasy Football picks on a tablet, Rosalie was draped over his lap, leaning against the side of the couch. Alice and Jasper were bent over several books in the window seat, their mouths moving as they quietly practiced their Icelandic words. Every few words Jasper would mispronounce, and she would playfully elbow his side. Garrett and Kate were wrapped together on another ottoman in the opposite corner, reading, but it seemed Garrett was more content to stare at Kate out of the corner of his eye as she read her book and his went ignored.

Pairs, I realized. Everyone but Tanya and Fred were happily paired off here. My mind pictured the two of them together – Tanya and Fred – but my nose quickly wrinkled. Even though she was ageless, Tanya had the personality of someone much older than Fred. Her bold, brazenly domineering attitude overpowered his quiet, quirky mind and the two didn't seem to fit.

Suddenly, Jasper's words echoed in my mind. "I don't think his goal is to drive you away. In fact….I think it's just the opposite."

I sat up quickly, my eyes going wide. Rosalie looked at me with slight concern, but a quick shake of my head relaxed her.

"M'fine," I mumbled, darting up the steps to the room that had been dubbed 'mine' for our time up north. I closed the door in a flash, whipping around to lean my back against it with vampire speed. My breaths were quick and I swore I felt my heart pounding. My eyes were wide and my mouth fell open in surprise. Jasper was implying that Fred had been flirting with me.

"Holy shit," I muttered, raking my hands through my hair. This was a big deal. Wasn't it? With vampire speed, I recollected all of my interactions with the tall, lanky vampire and tried to gauge whether or not any of our interactions constituted as flirtation between us.

Fred had always been shy around me, but he was shy around everyone. He was kind. He was reserved, but he was also friendly. Talkative to a point. Or was that only to me? I thought back to our time in the woods when he'd told me about his change and wondered how many others knew the details of that story. Shit….

My heart couldn't pound. I knew that. But it still felt like it was moving in my chest and the air had been sucked out of the room. I closed my eyes. Brady's face appeared. I had to press my lips together to suppress the whimper I almost felt bubble out of my mouth. Darting to my bed, I pulled the cell phone Rosalie had given me from inside the pillowcase where I'd hidden if. Of course anyone could find it if they looked hard enough, but it was a lingering human instinct to want to hide things for the sake of my privacy.

We hadn't spoken since I'd left Forks.

Shit, just when I was figuring all of this out this happens. But what was it, exactly? Was I overreacting? I sat down on the bed, turning the phone over in my hands.

Fred was kind. He seemed content but lonely, and just looking for someone to talk to. Just because someone is friendly to you and wants to talk doesn't mean they're flirting with you or want something more, I told myself. It all bubbled down to my inexperience with things of this sort I guess. I had been flat chested and tied down with a curfew in California, so I didn't get out much. I was single by choice for all of my time there – not my choice, mind you, but…I had been ignored by the opposite sex my entire life until Brady came along. And that couldn't be construed as normal, anyway. Some wolfy, powerful magic had urged him to talk to me. He wouldn't have had it not been for that, right?

Opening a new text message, I fought to think of what to type. My fingers were poised over the keys, waiting to decide.

I miss you.

I hope you're being safe.

I was about to hit 'send' when Edward's voice drifted into my ears. Down the hall and behind a closed door he was on the phone with someone. My ears strained to pick up what he was saying while my mind also silently chastised myself for eavesdropping. Discarding the phone on the bed, I flashed to the opposite side of the room and leaned against the door. They were speaking in hushed voices; I could barely pick it up.

"The scent is dead. I just thought you should know."

"I appreciate that, Jacob."

"We tracked it for miles, but we're pretty sure he's long gone."

"Pretty sure?"

"We're sure," Jacob snapped.

Jacob! I thought, my eyes widening slightly as the pieces fell into place. Edward was speaking to Jacob about the vampire who'd killed me. The pack was still hunting him! I thought briefly of my dad and Patrick, but my traitorous mind also brought Brady's face into view. I wondered how he was faring. Was it cruel of me to open an old wound and think about him again? I'd been distracted in Alaska and for that I felt guilty. My newfound friendships with the Denali coven had given me something else to think about and even though I was grateful for the distraction they brought, I still felt guilty for not thinking of Brady and my parents as much as I used to. It was difficult to live in one world and still pine after another.

Edward was quiet for moment, sighing to himself. "How is he?"

"He's been better. Working on it."

"Thank you. I'll call next week, same time."

I had the door open in a flash, racing down the upstairs hallway a quickly as I could. Privacy be damned, we were all vampires living under one roof.

Edward hung up the phone and opened the door of the bedroom he was staying in. His face didn't register surprise to see me.

"Lexi," he greeted pleasantly, the velvety tones of his voice ever pleasing.

"Was that Jacob? I'm…I'm sorry, I-I…I heard him and I just-"

He held up a pale hand, shaking his head. "We're family now, and family don't keep secrets. I didn't expect you not to overhear."

My shoulders dropped as he motioned for us to go and sit at two chairs positioned on the top landing. "As you know, that was Jacob. He was just calling to give us an update on the situation in Forks. He said the scent is dead and the vampire who turned you hasn't been around for almost a month and a half. They think he's given up and left the area."

I exhaled sharply, relieved. How many times had I pictured a gruesome scene at the home of my father and Patrick? How many times had I silently hoped that the pack was keeping its word to me, a vampire, their enemy, and patrolling around my house, keeping them safe?

"Do they think he followed our scent up here? That was the plan, wasn't it?" fear shot through me at the thought. What if he hadn't taken the bait and this was all somehow a ruse? What would happen to my dad and Patrick? A brief memory flashed through my mind at the thought of Patrick's sweet, cloying blood. My throat flamed in response and I had to swallow. No, a wild, nomadic vampire wouldn't leave Patrick alive. My mind began to race with horrible thoughts as Edward undoubtedly watched.

Edwards looked uncertain for a moment, his face flashing with uncertainty. "It was, but I'm partially relieved. Our kind can differ when it comes to interests. Some remain engaged on something and…focus on it for years, decades even. Some lose interest and focus easily and move on. I'm hoping that's what happened in this case," he sighed. His golden eyes flicked up to mine. "You have nothing to be afraid of."

I chewed my lip and avoided his gaze for a moment.

"I have complete faith that the pack can keep your parents safe. Alice is watching and she's confident she knows who she's looking for now. She'll see if he decides and…we'll solve the problem."

He sounded so certain. "Solve the problem?"

He nodded surely, his eyes resolute. "We'll have to kill him. That's the only way to be sure that he won't come after you and he'll leave your parents alone."

"Kill him?" I echoed unsurely, a sense of unease settling over me. "I don't….I'm not sure I could kill someone. Even after…"

Edward patted my knee before rising to stand. "You'd be surprise what you might be capable of. Don't underestimate what you'd do to protect those you love."

He left, leaving me to sink into the chair and think.

And I was still thinking about what Edward had said, later that evening while returning from a hunt with Fred. I knew Rosalie had gotten revenge on the people who had killed her, and so had Alice. Was vengeance something I needed?

I turned to him, still uber focused on the idea of what I would do should I ever be faced with the vampire who had turned me.

"You're frowning. What are you thinking about?"

"Hmmm."

I wasn't trying to be rude, but it was hard to think about anything but Edward's words. I'd tried to envision myself tearing another one of our kind to shreds, but it wasn't coming.

"Earth to Lexi…"

"Sorry. I'm…distracted."

Everyone had been in the backyard of the sprawling Denali home, playing a game of charades when we left to go on a quick hunt. It was fun – seeing normally poised vampires like Carlisle and Eleazar acting out popular movies. It was a good time, but I was a bit out of my element. The only movie I really knew from before 1980 was the Wizard of Oz. Needless to say I wasn't much help to a team who could easily remember when the first movies had come out.

"If the vampire who turned you-"

"Riley?" Fred looked up in surprise, wrinkling his nose.

"Yes, Riley. If he wasn't already dead and let's say you ran into him in the woods or wherever one day….what would you do?"

Fred paused, turning to face me. In all of my deep thoughts about what I would do I'd forgotten about what Jasper had told me earlier about Fred sort of-kind of flirting with me. The thought hit me mid-step and I almost faltered.

"Oh, well….erm, I never really…he's dead. So, that's that."

I rolled my eyes in exasperation. Fred could be so to the point. His scientific background made it difficult for him to just imagine I realized.

"But what if he wasn't? What if he walked into the clearing right now and just….was standing there? What would you do?"

Fred glanced around the quiet wilderness around us. We were still a few hundred yards away from the house, but otherwise secluded.

"I can't imagine he would even come to Alaska though. Sparsely populated and-"

Leave it to Fred to make this scientific. Annoyed, I cut him off, "You're thinking too much about this. I just mean if he was here, not dead, for whatever reason, would you fight him?"

He thought another moment. "Is he a threat?"

"Maybe. I can't imagine he'd be too happy with the Cullens. And he murdered you, and Bree, and well, dozens of other people with their lives ahead of them. Not to mention I'm sure he's not exactly on the straight and narrow at this point and is probably ripping a bloody trail around the globe by now. Would you kill him?"

"Well….I guess? I mean…"

My shoulders slumped as I walked, shaking my head to myself. Fred was too analytical for my tastes sometimes. He was smart and liked to talk something to death before arriving at a well thought out decision. That was fine with me but sometimes I just wanted an answer. I didn't want to talk and talk and play the what if game and answer a thousand questions.

"I'm looking for your gut answer here," I prodded, stepping over to lean casually against a tree trunk. Fred followed, the crease between his eyebrows still present.

"I…want to. It's a moot point now, but…yes, I wanted to. I only paused because I don't know how awful he truly was. I remember…seeing things about his human family. They were trying to find him, and he knew it but Victoria had already poisoned his mind at that point. How bad of a person could he have been if his family tried for almost a year to find him? When I thought about it, it just made me question how much of those were his motives and how much were hers. Especially after meeting the Cullens and getting their side of things…." He wrinkled his nose as he spoke, then shook his head, his bright eyes meeting mine. "Hey, what made you think of this? Why are we talking about murder all the sudden? That's not your usual….conversation starter."

I shrugged. "The vamp who killed me is still out there…I mean, I hope he lost interest or whatever, but…chances are he's still there."

Fred gave me a hopeful look, the crease disappearing. "I could use my power to drive him away. Forget all about you?"

Shaking my head, I lifted one leg to lean against the tree and twisted my mouth for a moment in thought. "No, I want to get this over with. I don't want to worry about my parents for the rest of their lives. I have brothers – what if I have nieces and nephews someday? I'll always have a family to worry about, it just depends on when he strikes. I want him to decide and get this stupid little dance over with."

"Try not to think about it. Alice is watching, and we're all here. If he…well, when he comes," he said brightly, "We'll handle it. Let's talk about something else."

Frowning, I looked up at him in the darkness and wrinkled my nose again. "Like what?"

He paused for a beat, turning to keep walking towards the house. I followed him, curiously wondering why he wanted to change the subject. "What about a game?"

"A game?"

"Yeah. Try to have some fun around here." He jammed his hands into the pockets of his flannel jacket and kicked at rock. The look he gave me was shy and yet worrisome.

"Fine," I said, a little exasperated, "A game. What game?"

His lips quirked upwards into the crooked smile I'd learned to expect when Fred was about to say something quirky or unexpected.

"How about…hide and seek?"

I smirked. "You'll cheat!"

"Come on, it's good practice. You can practice stealth and fighting someone with a power, and I can…well…" he trailed off, chuckling to himself. "Chase you."

My stomach did a nervous flip. He was flirting with me. Huh.

"Challenge accepted!" I laughed. "Ladies first!"

I took off, gone in a millisecond without pausing. We took turns running and darting to the best hiding place we could find while the other person counted to only five. The thrill of having to hide from Fred quickly had me grinning and sometimes laughing before he could even find me. He proved to be a bit more of a challenge of course, even though he claimed to not be using his gift. Still, he was a good sport and played along for almost an hour without cheating.

"Okay…."I finally said, my head whipping from one side to the other, "I give up!"

He had to be cheating. Well, if I was being totally and completely honest with myself I'd tell you I wasn't one hundred percent on understanding all of my vampire instincts yet – sometimes my senses told me to go one way while my brain and common sense said to go another.

"Fred?" I asked, peering over a slight ravine. The water gushed loudly, babbling with the sounds of spring. Winter was melting away and signs of life were everywhere. The only thing missing was my companion.

"Fred? I give up!" I called, turning in circles. My smile waivered for a second as a jolt of fear raced down my spine. He wouldn't abandon me alone in the dense forest, would he?

I was starting to panic when a gust of air made me jump. Fred flew down from the treetops, landing just behind me with a confident thump.

Whirling around, I looked up at him in surprise. "Whoa! You scared me! I…..sorry," I swallowed, laughing in relief.

He flashed a rare grin and shrugged a little. "Sorry. I was up in the trees. Don't you ever look up?"

"Guess not," I shrugged, feeling a little silly. Of course Fred wouldn't abandon me. I immediately felt stupid for thinking that he would do something like that. Fred was a practical thinker, not someone who took time to really play pranks like Emmett or Jasper.

"That was fun."

"Yeah, til you cheated!"

"I didn't! I swear," he held up his hands in mock surrender, his golden eyes flashing with mirth. "Okay, well…sometimes it's difficult to shut it off."

"Riiiight," laughed. Fred was serious much of the time – an analytical problem solver, I'd learned to not take offense when he answered me in one word, whereas I was likely to ramble on and on. I'm sure I tested his patience at times with my mindless prattling and endless chatter, but I hated the silence. Silence made things uncomfortable and gave you time to think. I'd decided weeks ago that I wanted none of that.

"Your hair is really pretty today," he rushed out, suddenly avoiding my gaze as we walked.

My hand went up to touch the loose curls Esme had put in my hair earlier that day. I'd admired the way her caramel waves always looked so perfect, and she'd shown me a few tips while curling my entire head.

"Oh, uh…Esme," I mumbled. "She…did it."

"Oh, well…it's nice. Not that your hair isn't normally, it's…."

I turned to Fred, painstakingly making eye contact with him. His eyes were large and golden and imploring as he looked back at me. Could Jasper have been right? Did Fred think of me as more than a friend?

I didn't have to wonder long.

"Lexi, I…" he trailed off, opting instead to bend down and press his lips to mine. I let them linger there for a split second, partly out of shock and partly from curiosity. Supple, gentle, and not unpleasant, I could taste him on my mouth. Earthy from the meal of elk we'd just dined on, yet sweet and mild and somehow just how I'd expect him to taste. I pulled away with a gasp and could only look at him with wide eyes.

Fred pulled away and stepped back as if he was almost as surprised as I was.

"Sorry?" he posed it like a question.

I stared at him in surprise, my stupid mouth suddenly unable to form a sentence. Say something! Where is that stupid, prattling mouth of yours now, idiot?! Say something to get out of here!

"I….um, it's a-alright," I stammered. "What…"

"I just….wanted to try that. Are you…I mean, is that…okay?"

Blinking slowly, I broke our stare and turned back towards the house, silently praying Edward hadn't heard what had just happened.

Shit shit shit.

"I…."

sé þig sienna – See you later (Icelandic)