They say I may be making a mistake
I would've followed all the way, no matter how far
I know when you go down all your darkest roads
I would've followed all the way to the graveyard

Oh, 'cause I keep diggin' myself down deeper
I won't stop 'til I get where you are

Halsey - Graveyard

Chapter 53: Between Two Worlds

Lexi

I stared out the window of the private plane, silently marveling at the shapes of the clouds. I could feel how fast we were traveling, but somehow the fluffy shapes seemed to just meander past, filling the window's view and slowly shifting as we moved. Every few minutes, a mountain would peek up through the clouds, visible for only a moment before we flew higher and higher.

I was going home.

Alaska had been good to me. I'd improved on my hunting, I'd learned how to fight, how to track, and most importantly, how to control myself. A tiny smile formed in the corner of my mouth. I was particularly proud of that one. I was far from perfect, but I was getting better and better every day. Of course we'd started slow, exposing me to humans in areas where I could make a fast escape that would go unnoticed. I'd had the support of the Cullens and Denalis as I learned, and with their careful tactics and support I'd learned tricks on how to not slaughter the innocent.

And that was what was most important.

The memory of nearly wanting to slaughter Patrick was trapped in my eidetic memory and tortured me at every turn. I could not….would not…harm a human.

Pushing the memory of his tempting blood aside, I focused on the bright sunlight above the clouds, my eyes taking in every shape and curve of the clouds below.

Edward had been in communication with Jacob and the pack, and the vampire who'd been hunting me had apparently not been seen in months. I was controlled, safe, and ready to come home.

Of course it was only temporary. Rosalie had gently explained to me that we couldn't stay in one place for long – especially not with my parents in the area. But, we were headed to Forks and I was happy about that, even if it was only for a short time.

I had unfinished business, after all.

Leaning my head back, my eyes shifted away from the clouds and across the aisle. Fred was looking at me. His golden eyed gaze was calm and steady, just like it always was. Calm and steady. I'd needed that, after everything. I smiled at him, and he returned it.

I knew returning to Forks wouldn't be easy. The last time I'd been there, I'd caught Brady's scent and it had nearly destroyed me. Edward had finally caved and told me Jacob confessed Brady wasn't doing well, and I'd been torn about what to do. Sometimes it's best to leave it alone for awhile, he'd gently told me, and things can always change. Give him some time.

I didn't think I agreed. Part of me ached to reach out, and I knew that was a selfish thing to do. I couldn't have him, but I didn't want to give him up, either. I'd written a dozen texts to him, only to delete each and every one before sending it. It was wrong of me to string him along, if that's even what it was. Our kinds were enemies and we no longer fit. Our bond was broken and I the Quileute magic couldn't overpower what I was, what I'd become. There was no logical way for it to happen anymore and I knew I needed to leave it, at least for a while, as Edward had said.

I knew Brady and I were over, but that didn't mean there weren't things that needed to be said between us.

Spring had come to Forks, bringing with it a deluge of new sights and smells that hadn't been here the last time. Gone were the dead, brittle leaves and frosted landscapes. Instead, the scenery that met us upon arrival had been one of burgeoning mossy greens and the smell of new plant life. The newness of spring had been an onslaught to my senses; the sweetness of the baby fiddleheads, the cleanliness of a spring rain, and the earthy aroma of mushrooms popping up through the ground greeted me. I stood on the back deck of the Cullen home and took a deep, cleansing breath. It was such a difference from Alaska, where the frigid wintery air seemed to purify everything to my senses; here, it was a cascade of smells and tastes. I gulped nervously and turned around, gathering my wits. The door to the deck was open, where Esme stood soundlessly, watching. Her gaze was one of understanding and she held her hand out, beckoning me to come join her.

Esme gripped my hand, offering one of her kind smiles. "You can do this," she whispered sweetly.

"We got your back," Emmett grunted, giving me a stern nod. He cracked his knuckles and rolled his shoulders, reminding the demon buried within me that he was there and ready to restrain me if needed. I wasn't newborn strong anymore, but I wasn't a delicate flower by any means.

I shuddered and silently prayed it didn't come to the point where Emmett would have to restrain me.

"She'll do fine," Alice hissed. "I…I think," she frowned, her eyes doing that spacey thing where she tried to look at someone's future. "Seth is making it difficult, but we've practiced for months! Now would everyone just be quiet? They're coming!"

I swallowed, steeling my nerves and trying my best to trust my family. I trusted my training, but most importantly I trusted them. I knew they would keep me from doing anything that would turn this night into chaos. While I'd had to leave most of my human life behind, there were a few caveats to that which I hadn't even considered. While showing myself to my parents would put them in danger of the Volturi's wrath, the same was not the case for the Quileutes, who obviously knew our secret, but nor was it the case for their imprints.

Edward had pointed out that many pack imprintees knew about vampires from either tribe legends if they were Quileute, but also from their wolf imprints if they weren't. He confessed that he wasn't sure if the Volturi knew about the existence of imprints, but that they had been left alone over the years all the same. When he'd told me I could be reunited safely with Regan and Claire, I'd been over the moon at the thought of seeing my best friends.

It was a shred of normalcy I'd been hoping for.

I could hear heartbeats in the driveway.

The brush of a light jacket.

The sound of lips brushing over skin.

A laugh I recognized.

"Seth?"

"Come on, I have something to show you."

My throat grew tight as I heard Regan come through the front door. Rosalie shot me a questioning look. I shook my head. No, I wasn't thirsty. It wasn't that. I didn't know until that moment just how much I missed my friend. I'd compartmentalized everything for months while I'd fought off my newborn urges, and the box I'd kept those feelings in was threatening to burst open at the sound of her voice. I bit my lip and felt the urge to cry happy tears.

Seth led her into the room, pausing in the doorway. His face was bright and happy, but his body language spoke a slightly different story. I'd seen him earlier in the day as we unpacked and was relieved to discover Seth smelled about an unappetizing as it got – his scent was a woodsy mixture of fresh cut wood and yes, damp golden retriever. I'd been relieved to rediscover that he smelt nothing like food. Now, he stood in the doorway of the living room with Regan slightly behind him, his hand grasping hers protectively.

Her eyes scanned the Cullens, instantly going wide. Her heart sped up as she seemed to grow both wary and intrigued at the same time. She turned back to him.

"Seth, what…?"

Edward spoke first. "We're back from Denali," he announced, moving out from behind the chair where Bella sat. "We've decided to return from Alaska a few weeks early."

She stared at them, a timid smile breaking across her face. I watched from behind the pillar as she scanned the line of them, all casually standing there like perfect statues. The human act had clearly been dropped in front of her; she knew their secret. Well, mine too. A curious look flashed across Regan's face, and I heard Edward inhale before thinking a moment and answering her silent thought out loud.

"Only one way to find out," he murmured. "There is someone who wants to see you, actually. And you can find out for yourself."

Regan gripped Seth's hand and her heart sped up. "What is it?"

I held my breath and stepped out from the pillar near the kitchen. Cautiously, I offered my friend a tiny smile. I knew, I knew my teeth didn't look any different than they had, but that still didn't stop me from being self-conscious about them. It was silly of me to think she could tell how sharp they were from just my smile. No, that would take a bite. I winced at my thought and pushed it from my mind.

It was fine. I was fine. This was Regan.

She strained her neck to see me as I peeked out. "Lexi?"

I opened my mouth, testing the air. It burned, but it wasn't…unbearable.

"Hi."

She bounced in place, grinning up at Seth before returning her gaze to mine. Tears formed in her pretty green eyes and it made me miss the shade of my own. If I could cry, I would have been.

"Hi!" she repeated back, clearly nervously giddy.

Everyone chuckled at that. A sense of calm washed over the room, and I silently thanked Jasper's ability. Regan settled, her eyes still sparkling with excitement.

"She's still new….so we're taking baby steps," Edward explained. "She's done so wonderfully with everything that…we decided we could come back early."

Seth nodded at me. "Good to see ya, Lex."

I flashed a smile at him and tried to relax. Edward gave me a gentle shove towards the center of the room and I stood in front of Seth and Regan, unsure of what to do. I didn't want to scare her, or worse, Seth. I didn't want him to ever worry that I would make his imprint my lunch.

Regan stared at me, her mouth slightly gaped as she clearly catalogued all of my changes. "Lex…Lex we missed you so much," she gasped, again on the verge of tears.

I could only nod at that point. Her eyes widened slightly as she noticed my eyes.

"It's a shock…I know. I didn't know what to think the first time I saw myself either."

"I don't care what you look like Lexi…I'm just glad you came back!"

I swallowed again, looking at my feet. "I know. I'm sorry Regan, but I had to go away for a while…I couldn't be here. With everything…it's just so that I wouldn't hurt anyone," I heard myself babble. "I…I would have never forgiven myself if I would have hurt someone…especially you or Claire. It…it felt selfish to stay."

Regan was quiet for a moment, nodding in understanding.

"She's done so well with everything," Bella spoke up softly. Regan looked at her cousin and the two shared a smile. She looked back to me expectantly.

"So…but you're back? For good?"

I nodded. "For a while."

Regan scanned me again, her face full of a quiet determination. I followed her eyes to Edward. She appeared to be thinking something at him that made a slow grin spread across his face as he placed a hand on his wife's shoulder.

"You are very much like your cousin," he replied.

"Thanks?" she laughed. Turning to me, she grew serious. "I have so much to tell you, Lex. I…we missed you so much. I'm so glad you're back."

"Regan wants to talk to you alone," Edward translated, giving her a knowing smile. My head whipped back to look at him, the movement still slightly unpracticed and jerky. I hadn't quite mastered the full human charade just yet. Fear simmered in my chest – could I do this? I nodded, more in confirmation to myself than anything.

"Well…I'm trying to get used to all of this, so…you won't hold it against me if I bring a chaperone, will you? We can still hang out," I offered, trying to shrug. Glancing at Rosalie, I was relieved when she offered me a tiny nod. I knew I could count on her to help me.

"Of course not, no. I…I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I…I don't smell like a meal, right?"

"Actually, you must have been in close proximity to Seth over there…Regan…you stink."

Everyone burst out laughing at my candor and I wrinkled my nose for effect.

"I'm told it's like a wet golden retriever," he admitted good naturedly, flashing his bright smile.

"I'd say that's about right," Edward agreed with another laugh. I watched him playfully slug Seth in the shoulder. Their friendship was so relaxed, so easy. Would I be able to have that someday with Regan and Claire, I wondered?

Edward paused, eyeing Regan for a moment before giving his sister an imploring look. He looked terribly embarrassed when he spoke. "Um, Rose…why don't you take the girls out on the deck. Regan has about…oh, a thousand questions for Lexi," he finished with a wry laugh. I somehow knew he wasn't exaggerating.

Everyone laughed at that. Rosalie stood behind me, silently putting a hand on my shoulder in support. I walked outside first, not wanting Regan to feel like I was stalking after her.

"You'll be fine," I heard Seth whisper. For the first time that day, I wasn't as nervous. The fresh, outdoor air would somewhat mask Regan's human scent, giving me a chance to breathe more.

I stood against the balcony railing, trying my best to look casual. Regan eyed Rosalie; I could tell the vampire made her nervous. Swallowing awkwardly, I tried to smile. "So, here I am."

"I'm so glad you're back," she sighed. "If it helps, you look amazing."

Her sincerity helped me relax. "Do I? It's not…freaky?"

'No, not at all. I mean, you actually make pale look good. Whereas me….people usually just ask me if I feel alright."

I burst into giggles, the laugher nervously erupting out of my chest. Regan joined me.

"You laugh the same."

"Do I?"

She nodded. "So…are you coming back to school? Prom is tomorrow…I would love it if you would come," she offered, seeming to already know the answer. I still appreciated her attempt.

"No, I can't. It's too dangerous. Too many humans, and…" I swallowed, thinking of all those beating hearts in one room and-no!, "it's just better for everyone if I stay away for now. Besides, we're going with the story that I…"

"That you what? Went hiking by yourself? Just took off? That doesn't even sound like you, Lexi."

"No, but that's what the Cullens made the police believe. It was all very…well planned. When the FBI got involved in searching for me, they had to step in and make sure it didn't look like foul play. They set a false trail for them to follow and…and I had to pick a time when I knew he…." I gulped for bravery, "Brady…was at work. I had to make sure he looked innocent in all this."

"But your dad? Shouldn't he know you-"

"No! Regan, he can't know. If he knew, he would be in danger. The only reason you know is because you're in on the secret. You have the protection of the pack behind you and they would never come after you if they knew that."

"They?" she questioned, her green eyes wide. I'd sounded ominous without even meaning to. Shit. I'd never come into contact with the dreaded Volturi coven, but I'd been told enough to know they weren't a coven to tangle with. We wanted to stay off their radar as much as possible. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, opening them to look at her seriously.

"Just…trust me, you're safe. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know this is all very weird, but…"

"No," she held up her hand, "I'm getting to be really good with weird."

"Good," I smiled sadly. This wasn't how I wanted things to be, especially not for one of my best friends. I hated that she had to learn to deal with nightmares. The last few months flashed before my eyes – that's what it had been, really, - a nightmare.

"I want to stay friends, Regan. I…I could really use a friend right now."

I should have known Regan would do anything I asked. Her personality was stubborn and she could be closed off, but once you go to know her she was dedicated and loyal. I knew my secret world was safe with her, as it would be with Claire as well. She promised to be there for me and relief sang through me like a happy song.

Looking back, I should have seen her Brady question coming from a mile away, but the name uttered out loud still sliced through me like a knife to the heart.

"So…have you talked to Brady?"

Rosalie hissed under her breath and I shot her a dirty look. Regan only wanted to know if he knew I was back (he didn't) and if I was going to talk to him (I didn't know yet).

"Regan….Brady and I….well….wolves and vampires….Cullens….get along. They tolerate each other. But…..but they don't try to date."

Confusion filled her eyes. She didn't understand. Of course she didn't, she was human. How could she understand my dilemma?

"Regan, please. Believe me, I've thought about this more than you can imagine. I don't sleep anymore, so that gives me about nine extra hours a night to just think. I've spent that last four months in the Alaskan backwoods doing nothing but chasing Bambi and his friends around the forest so that I can suck them dry and just try to get a grip on myself and all of these crazy emotions. I've thought about Brady and every single possibility about what I could do to fix things between us, and you know what I came up with? Nothing. Nothing, Regan, because nothing will ever fix the fact that…I'm a vampire now. I'm technically a crime against nature in fact, when you think about it. The last thing I need is to try to go to dinner and a movie with something that is genetically programmed to rip me to shreds. Because no matter how I look at it Regan, he is. He is made…put on this earth…..to kill things like me."

My voice was laced with defeat, and I knew she didn't believe what I'd said. No, Regan was too smart for that. I knew she wanted her human friend back – she wanted me to be the old Lexi. And as much as I wanted to be that girl again, being here with Regan and home in Forks just further helped me understand just how much had changed. Brady's face flashed in my mind and my heart lurched. Some things appeared to never want to fade….

"I'm sorry," she started, but I cut her off.

"No, Regan….none of this is your fault. I know you just want me to be happy. I want to be too. But I've looked at this a million ways….literally my mind let me look at this situation a million ways," I rolled my eyes at my freakishly large and overanalyzing brain, "Nothing seems to want to work."

"But….but Seth likes the Cullens. I think Edward is his best friend," she pointed out. "I'm sorry Lex, but…I just don't want to see you give up on this. I know how it feels to want to give up on this whole crazing imprinting thing and it's not easy. I don't want you to feel that way."

"I think Seth is a bit of an anomaly in and of himself, honestly. I mean, a werewolf who has a vampire best friend? The whole thing is too Sci-Fi channel for me. "

"I know," she laughed. She was just telling me what she thought a best friend should, I reminded myself. She'd found happiness with Seth, and that was important. She was practically radiating joy to be at his side – when I'd left for Alaska, he'd been about to run away from her and their imprint. Their relationship had taken such a turn I was envious.

"I tried to stop him from leaving, you know that right?" I asked quietly, glancing back towards the house. From the heartbeat close by, I knew Seth was inevitably listening.

"You did?"

"Yes. I told him that you wouldn't ever forget him leaving."

"I haven't."

"But…you're still here with him. Pretty quick to forget about it, don't you think?"

"Lex…..I've forgiven him. I'll never forget, you're right. But all that's in the past now. I know Seth would never hurt me like that again. I trust him."

"The irony of this isn't lost on me. I know you think I can just forget that I'm a vampire and that Brady is a wolf and live out our freaky yet happy life forever after. But I just can't. It's not that easy."

"But-"

"-I wouldn't expect you to understand," I cut her off. "I mean….you're still human. I wouldn't expect you to. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that…I'm different now."

She thought a moment, glancing out at the mossy forest. Her green eyes were thoughtful as she looked back to me.

"Well….I can accept that. I just want you to be happy and…I'm just glad you're back."

We looked at each other for several silent moments. I wished I could trust myself enough to hug her.

"I'm glad to be back too. Before I was changed, I was really starting to think of Forks as my home. Even though things are so different I…I still feel like I belong here."

She was quiet again. Rosalie shifted behind me, still leaning on the railing. I knew she wanted to reach out and give me support, but was trying to let me be independent. Silly Rose, I thought, I'll never be as strong and good at this as you are. She'd confided in me how she'd left her human life completely behind after her change, only going back to watch her family from afar. I could only wish I'd been as strong as she is.

Regan looked up, her eyes filled with blatant curiosity. "So….can I ask what it's like?"

"What…being a vampire?" I couldn't help but grin. Of course bookish, inquisitive Regan would want to know the details of my freakish new life.

I decided to be honest. "It's…difficult. I mean…everything is just magnified. Every thought, every emotion, every…urge. Every time I feel something it just consumes me. It was so much at first…I just needed to get away. That's a big reason why I left – I wasn't myself for a while. It took me awhile to just settle down, learn to compartmentalize all of this new stuff and just…be me."

"That's good," she nodded. She looked like she wanted to know more.

"But?"

She bit her lip. "You're not like…tempted to eat me, right?"

I had to laugh at that. While her beating heart and the scent of her was a little distracting, the urge to protect my friend and keep her safe was higher. "No, I'm not. I was telling the truth in there, I swear. I'm really controlled for a newborn. Practically every day in Alaska the Cullens helped me learn how to…abstain," I finished, not sure how else to put it. If I told her the truth, the poor girl would never sleep again. "And actually, some of Seth's scent rubbed off and you Regan. You really do kinda smell like a wet dog. Mixed with like…woods?"

"What?" she sniffed her shirt, grasping at the material. "You're kidding I hope?"

"Um, no," I laughed, glancing back to share a smirk with Rosalie.

"I can't believe I stink! I just showered an hour ago."

Rosalie finally chimed in. "It's nothing you did," she grinned at Regan. Regan blinked owlishly back at Rosalie, obviously a little captivated by her. I guessed Regan had never really seen my adoptive mother up close. She was pretty dazzling.

"Well…so I stink and you both would make supermodels cry…great," she muttered.

"Regan, you're beautiful. And better yet, Seth knows you're beautiful too," I replied, hoping she couldn't hear the tightness in my voice. "Uh…well I think we're going to hunt tonight. I'll be back tomorrow. I really want to get a picture of you before Prom."

"Really?" she asked.

"Really. Um, I know this sounds crazy, but I want to live through you for the night. Promise me you'll take lots of pictures of you and Claire and everyone?"

"Of course I will! Although," she sighed sadly, "I'm probably going stag. Not like my imprint can take me."

"Right, well…honestly, going stag to a prom is a heck of a lot better than…well, this," I gestured to myself.

"No, you're right," she nodded. She twisted her hands in front of her and gave me an apologetic look. "Wow, talk about a pep talk with a vampire to put things into perspective," she bit her lip, "I'm sorry I was whining earlier. It was stupid of me, and-"

"-No, it's not Regan. You have a life – it comes with problems. Just live it. Do the best you can with it. You're going to have problems, but…they're yours to have. Just live your life to the fullest….for those of us who can't."

Regan watched me, her green eyes suddenly filling with emotion. "Lex, I'm so glad you're back. I know it's not under the best circumstances, but…I missed you so much."

"I missed you too," I said quietly. The past few months flashed before my eyes and I realized how badly I'd missed my friend. Regan had been the first friend I'd made in Forks. I'd grown close to her and Claire in a year than I had anyone back home in California.

"I think we're going to leave, but I'll be back tomorrow."

"Well…I'll see you then?" I didn't miss the hopeful tone in Regan's voice. I nodded, looking over at Rosalie. She smiled tightly back and I knew it was time to go. Regan seemed to know it too. She peered over the railing where the rest of my family had materialized in the dimming evening light, ready for our hunt. Rosalie gracefully jumped the railing, landing soundlessly on the mossy ground. I couldn't help but smile.

"Time to go I guess. Tell Seth I said bye?"

"Sure!"

I hadn't wanted to freak Regan out, but I did want her to realize that I wasn't, nor would I ever be – the old me. Without looking, I jumped backwards, landing on the balls of my feet on the railing. "See ya!"

Gracefully dropping to the ground below, I heard her gasp and lean against the metal. "It does have it's perks!" I laughed before darting off. I heard her echoing laugher as I ran into the night, trailing closely on the heels of the Cullens.

Rosalie appeared at my side as we ran, her hand finding mine. "So proud of you."

And weirdly…I was proud of myself.

thanks for sticking with me :)