So I have recently become self aware that my chapter notes are basically me documenting my life crises. When I realised this, I considered stopping doing it, but why should I?! I can express my health related crises here without worrying my friends and family so here is my most recent update:
In the last 10 weeks I was hospitalised for 3 weeks, diagnosed with a long term neurological condition triggered by food poisoning (I could really use Amelia as my doctor right now), I got shingles for the third time and I currently have both covid and a chest infection at the same time and have been started on a trial drug because I couldn't breath... So that's fun. Anyways, on with the Amezona content.
Oh, also, it's 1:30 am and I definitely haven't proof read so I own the mistake
Arizona POV
Amelia cried for hours in my arms last night. After her meltdown, when she told me that everything in her life was too much and that she had begun cutting again, she fell apart. I haven't seen her this emotional since she first agreed to begin attending therapy, when she was feeling suicidal. Though she has assured me that this is not the case, that she doesn't want to die, I can't help the concern that I am feeling. I wish I could take away her pain, even just for a moment. I hate that I didn't see how badly she was hurting. I spent a lot of last night going over the last week in my mind, thinking about the times that I had seen her and how I missed the signs. In hindsight, I'm unsure whether I missed them or whether she has simply become better at hiding them.
When we woke up this morning, Amelia initially said that she was fine. She almost immediately revoked her statement, replacing it with "I know I fucked up, but I really do want to get better." I calmed her, telling her that it was okay, that we were okay. I told her I would help her in whatever way she needs. As discussed last night, she allows me to check the cuts. Amelia wasn't exaggerating when she said it was bad. Truthfully, I've never seen her legs littered with so many fresh cuts. It appears as though there are more open wounds than unwounded skin when looking at the surface area of her thighs, but I have no means to quantify this. I try not to react, not to show my emotions but I know that she knows. She apologises for her actions hurting me.
When I take Amelia to therapy, she is shaking, almost as much as she was for her first appointment. It has been a while since I attended a session with her. She had become much more confident and was comfortable enough with Anne to work through her sessions alone. Thankfully, Anne didn't rise to it when she sees me alongside Amelia in the waiting room. I see her eyes move, catching a glimpse of how tightly Amelia is gripping my hand before she asks Amelia whether she would like me to come in with her today or to wait outside. Amelia doesn't respond verbally, but she tightens her grip on my hand, informing me that she is unable to do this alone today. The therapist notices this action too and invites us both into the room.
I sit on the opposite side of the couch from Amelia. I stay quiet as she talks to Anne, not wanting to interrupt the flow of her session. She has been going to her appointments on her own for a while and I do not wish to disrupt the work she is doing, the work she has been doing. I watch her as she struggles to verbalise the difficulties that she has been having. She attempts to explain the feelings that she is experiencing, the overwhelming number of thoughts swarming through her mind to the extent that she is struggling to even get out of bed. She talks about the cutting, about how guilty she feels each time she does it, but also how it is the only thing currently giving her a miniscule amount of relief from the mind numbing hurricane of emotions in her brain.
Within the one hour session, I manage to calm her from two separate panic attacks. The first in regards to her discussing her time in rehab, the memories that had been coming back to her. She explains the relief that she had felt seeing Hailey was okay, that she had managed to get clean. She says that she doesn't understand why she is so wrapped up in the memories. She explains that she has been able to think about her time in rehab before and not be triggered so what is happening now feels foreign to her. She also thinks this is the route of some of the cravings she is having; her cravings to drink and get high are a reaction to the memories of how she felt then.
The second panic attack Amelia has is in response to a discussion of her fathers death, something that Amelia rarely talks about. Apparently she told Zola what had happened recently and it had triggered a recurrence of nightmares. Usually, after nightmares of her father's murder, she can calm herself using techniques Derek had taught her as a child, but she explains that these haven't been working. She talks about how she misses her brother, how she wishes that Derek were here to talk about their dad, but she is the only person left who recalls what had happened that night.
When Amelia finally calms, she wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. I expect her to say that she wants to go home, that she wants to cut the session short but she doesn't. She takes my hand and looks into my eyes for a moment. I see trepidation in her eyes, as she wipes another appearing tear before it falls. "I need to figure out my next step to stop cutting again because I'm scared I will accidentally cut too deep."
"What have you done previously that you have found to help?" The psychologist asks, wanting to gain a better understanding of the potential options.
"Sometimes drawing on my thighs worked, but that was when I only had mild cravings."
"And the cravings you're experiencing at the moment are more powerful?"
"Yeah. It's like hurting myself is the only way to stop myself doing drugs."
"What about calling your sponsor? Or going to a meeting?" Anne proposes, and it is clear from the therapist's expression that she sees what I see, Amelia is shaking.
After a few quiet moments, Amelia responds. "My sponsor died a while back. I never got a new one." Amelia admits. It is only now that I realise in the several years we have been together, Amelia had never once mentioned having a sponsor. All in all, she doesn't talk much about her meetings. They're anonymous for a reason, but I had never thought to ask her about a sponsor either.
"How long ago?" The older woman asks, writing something down in her notebook.
"Eight months or so. She lived in LA, so we didn't see each other regularly, but we called quite a lot. She didn't tell me she was sick, but I got a phone call from a friend of hers after she had passed. He was an addict, I think he wanted to take over being my sponsor but I told him that I wasn't in LA anymore and that I would find a sponsor here. I just never got around to it. I do sponsor a couple of others here though, but I'm there for them, not to give them more burdens." I am surprised to hear she sponsors other addicts because she has not stated as such in the past, but AA is supposed to be anonymous and it isn't her place to share regarding other people.
"So you need a new sponsor. Is that something you think you could do? Forgive me, I'm not that familiar with the addiction community and processes"
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I know I wouldn't have to search for one. If I tell people my sponsor died in a meeting, other people would offer, I just, I never got round to doing it."
"I have made a note of that and I think within the next few weeks, getting you a new sponsor is something that could be extremely helpful to you. Do you agree?" Anne asks?
"Yeah, but I uh, could we discuss it next week and make a plan of how?" Amelia requests timidly.
"I think that sounds reasonable, but we have time this week if you wanted to do so now." Anne points out, looking to the clock to show there are 20 minutes left.
"Since Arizona is here, I was hoping we could discuss what we have been talking about for the last few weeks. I think it would be easier to talk about here than at home." Amelia justifies, looking to her therapist to check that her plan is okay. The doctor nods her head, yes.
"So you can start where ever you want, Amelia, and you can tell Arizona your concerns. I'll just jump in if I see necessary." Dr Watson instructs. Amelia gulps, preparing herself before turning to face me
"I told you that there are things I hadn't talked to you about."
"You did. I told you I'm okay with it but I will always be here to listen."
"I know that. So I want to tell you something. I know there is still other stuff you don't know, but I'm working on taking my walls down and I'm willing to tell you part of it, if you're okay with it."
"I'm scared that I'm going to relapse and leave you and Sof."
"What?"
"I've been thinking about it a lot recently, getting high I mean. If I drink or get high, I won't stick around."
"Do you want to tell Arizona why this is, Amelia?" Anne prompts and my girlfriend nods.
"I would leave before I hurt anybody. When I'm high, I push people away. Most of my friends presume it's because I don't want help getting clean, but that's not it. It's because I don't want to hurt you. For me, drugs bring out hatred and they bring out lies, and I don't want to hurt people so I push them away."
"If you were to relapse, you're right, it would hurt like hell, but we wouldn't stop loving you. We would help you get clean, we would get you into rehab."
"If I relapse, I need you to keep Sofia away from me."
"Amelia-"
"I would hurt her, Arizona. I need you to promise me that if I ever relapse you would keep her away until I'm clean. When I'm using, I lash out. It's not always just verbal either. When I relapsed, I got physical with Addie. I wanted to hurt her. I am trying really hard to stay clean, but I need you to promise me that."
"Okay. I promise."
Since Amelia had brought me into the conversation, Anne thought it would be pertinent to discuss Amelia's coping mechanisms and what had/had not been working well to decide best how to proceed in the future. Honesty, we decide, is the most important thing that she is struggling with at the moment. Surprisingly, to both Anne and myself, she proposes twice daily check ins between her and I whereby we spend a few minutes discussing how she is, she lets me know whether she has cut and tells me whether she needs anything specific from me. Usually Amelia doesn't like it when I ask whether she is okay, so I am surprised that this is her suggestion but of course I am more than willing to do it. Anne requests that Amelia makes a brief note of these discussions so that they can discuss her difficulties with more specific focus in her sessions.
All in all, Amelia's therapy appointment was productive, but I can see her energy levels dropping by the time we leave. On the way home, I offer to take her to a meeting but she declines, shaking her head and telling me she wants to go home and take a nap and requests that we leave Sofia at her sister's house for another couple of hours, knowing from a prior discussion that it would be fine with them.
"So, do you want me to ask now or after a nap?" I ask my girlfriend as she is crawling under the covers. I sit on her side of the bed and she leans into my side.
"Now."
"When was the last time you cut?"
"Yesterday morning. I considered doing it this morning too but I didn't."
"How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted and shitty, but kinda relieved too. The weight of trying to keep it all in isn't there anymore."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Could you stay with me while I sleep? You don't have to sleep too if you don't want to, but just stay."
"Of course."
"After we have slept, could we take the wine and pills to Meredith's. We could take them the same time we pick Sof up. I'm hoping it'll remove the temptation just a little."
"Sounds good. We can absolutely do that."
"Thank you. Not just for that, but just being here I guess, and for promising me that earlier. It helps."
"Whatever you need, okay? I'm here for you."
I pull Amelia close and place a soft kiss on her forehead. My hand runs gently up and down her back until she pulls away.
"Do you still find me attractive? I would understand if you didn't. I don't find me attractive."
"Where is this coming from, huh? You're beautiful, Amelia." I whisper softly, reaching out my hand to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and then cupping her cheek with the palm of my hand.
"I just, I don't feel beautiful. I ruin my body, I don't get how you could love that, I love you for you, I love who you are not just the way you look. I love your dorkiness and your humour, I love how deeply you care for the kids in your life. I love how resilient you are, and I feel grateful every time I remember that for some reason, you chose to love me. Your stunning appearance only adds to that." I tell her truthfully.
"I just… I don't get it."
"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. It is my personal mission to help you understand how truly incredible you are." I explain, pulling my girlfriend into my arms. "You're perfect and sexy and I love you."
When we arrive at Meredith's house to collect Sofia, I'm surprised to see Mer is home from work. Maggie had offered to watch our daughter because Meredith had a big surgery planned.
"Aren't you supposed to be in surgery?"
"My patient spiked a fever. Surgery is postponed. Maggie took Sof for a walk, they should be back soon." Meredith explains as Arizona was looking around for her daughter.
"Could you take this please? " I say, handing Meredith a bag that has all of the wine that was in our apartment.
"You can drink the wine, but Sof's painkillers are in there too. Could you put them somewhere safe?" Arizona adds. I feel her fingers slip into my hand, and gripping tightly to ensure I know she is here, to help me stay calm.
Meredith takes the bag, and places it down in the kitchen before coming back to the living room to join Arizona and I.
"Are you clean?" She asks. It is clear that she understood my addiction is the reason we have removed such items.
"Yeah. It's just the cravings are bad so…"
"So we removed any temptation." Arizona continues for me. We move to the couch to sit down and wait for my sister and our daughter to get back so that we can take her home.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No, it's fine. I'm okay, I'm just working through some stuff. I don't plan on using, I'd just rather be safe than sorry."
"Okay. Well, if there is ever anything I can do, just ask. Like if you ever want us to watch Sof or anything."
"Yeah, thank you."
"Mom, Amy!" Sofia yells running into the house and to the couch. "Maggie got me a smoothie. It was awesome."
"Lucky you! Did you say thank you?"
"Yeah. Are we taking my stitches out today?"
"I think so. We just need to have a check to make sure everything is healing right first."
Just a quick note to my reviewers (I love you all so much) but specifically to the guest reviewers, I would love it if you made an account, that way I can reply to your comments. When people review my stories or ask questions I often give little teasers of what is yet to come, so if you want me to respond and you can get some teasers of what's to come, make sure you have an account!!!