Too hard to say goodbye

by Orion6

What if Martouf hadn't left at the end of Ripple Effect?

I had already said my goodbyes to Janet. I had also assured her that I was looking after Cassie and that she was doing well. It was hard saying goodbye to a dear friend – when they have already been gone so long. This is why I was now stood in the briefing room, looking out at the Stargate as Janet and her team prepare to leave.

I can't face saying goodbye to him again. To hear that we'd tried, that he'd left the Tok'ra to come to the SGC to be near me, to hear that we'd lived together but it hadn't worked out. So many times at night, I'd sit and think about what could have been. As the years passed, my guilt for pulling the final trigger had been replaced by another guilt. Why didn't I tell him? Why did I hide behind Jolinar for so long? At least in his reality we'd had a chance. It was more than I'd given myself.

I can see him looking around for me. Despite the fact that he's told me she hasn't been 'his Samantha' for a while, it is obvious that he still holds feelings for her and that seeing me, knowing that the chance had never been there for us, was troubling him. As I watch he looks up and our eyes lock. I can feel the tears stinging in my eyes as I look at his face. I need to look away for if I don't, he'll see me cry. But I want to look at him for as long as possible. I want to burn his image into my mind so that I will never forget how he looks at this moment.

Eventually I can't take it any more and I lift my hand up to my lips and blow him a gentle kiss and hope he understands why I can't be there. I see a gentle smile and a small nod of acknowledgement and I turn away and head for the changing rooms. Once changed, I quickly make my way topside and drive off the complex, back home.

-

I frown at the silence in the house and make my way to the kitchen. As I start making some coffee I glance at the calendar and then remember that Cassie is out 'with the girls' tonight at the movies. It's only 8pm and she won't be back for a few hours so I settle myself on the sofa and idly flick through the TV channels. I cast my mind back and wonder what would have happened if our kiss had not been interrupted. Part of me wishes to know but a larger part of me is glad that we never made it to that point. His death has been hard enough for me to deal with. After all these years, to finally know what it was like to kiss him, for ME to kiss him; it would have been unbearable.

Whilst I know what it felt like for Rosha/Jolinar to kiss him, I know it would be different. Often at night I wish I could shut out her memories of her time with him. Whilst he was alive, those memories used to comfort me. Now he is gone, they just serve as a painful reminder of what I could have had; of what could have been.

Switching off the TV I think back of all the losses I have had to endure. To lose my father and Martouf had been hardest. Janet and Daniel were a close second. My memories from Jolinar helped us to find the Tok'ra. They saved my father and gave him the greatest gift of his life. Another chance. They also brought Martouf into my life and with that came confusion. I spent that much time trying to sift through Jolinar's memories that I didn't stop to consider that as Martouf became closer to me, I'd developed feelings of my own. Feelings that were only strengthened by Jolinar's.

And today, he'd been brought back into my life. And once again – I didn't take the chance. I didn't ask him to stay and although I knew that he wasn't involved with me, well the me of his reality, I didn't know if he was involved with anyone else. It would have been far too presumptuous for me to think that he'd deny himself love because of her. She'd obviously moved on – it was only natural that he would also.

I moan as I remember that I've forgotten to put the trash out. Slipping on my sneakers I let myself out of the back door and make my way over to the bin. Typically it decides to start raining at the precise moment that I find I'm having difficulty in opening the side gate. Frustrated I slam my hand into the wood and I feel it give enough so that I can draw the bolt back.

I struggle with the bin and eventually get it to the top of the drive and groan as I realise that I can't get it past my car. Feeling tired and drained I decide that I can't be bothered to move it and it will have to wait until the morning – even if it does mean that I'll have to be up early on my day off.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a movement at the end of the driveway. The rain is getting harder and I can't see properly so I move forward until I am adjacent with my front porch. Suddenly the fact that I'm freezing cold and soaked through doesn't register as I watch him walk slowly up the driveway, my eyes never leaving his. He stops a few feet from me, registering the confusion in my eyes.

"I could not leave without saying goodbye."

His eyes move to my neck as if he's caught a glimpse of something and a small smile appears on his face. I can see the sparkle in his eyes in the porch light as he moves closer. Carefully he touches the chain on my neck and pulls it from under my shirt. He strokes the crystal pendant with his thumb and closes his eyes.

"I gave this to Jolinar the last night we spent together before she was taken by Sokar."

"I know." My voice is very quiet and thick with emotion. "You gave it to me when we got back from Netu. I never take it off." I smile softly. "It is good to know that you also are alright Lantash. I have missed you a great deal."

His gaze returns to mine and I suddenly realise that he is soaking wet also. He shrugs. "I am accustomed to Tau'ri weather now."

"But still, you will catch your death standing out here."

He takes my arm gently. "I came here to say goodbye Samantha. But should you wish me to stay – then I will not leave."

"Please Martouf – come inside so that you can get dry." My voice has deserted me and all that comes out is a quiet whisper. He looks reluctant for a second and then nods before following me inside.

-

After drying myself off and changing to a pair of sweats and a tank top, I pull a pair of Daniel's sweats and a t-shirt out and hand them to Martouf.

"Daniel keeps spare clothes here. We often have to pull all-nighters due to the Ori threat and it's easier to work here than on base." I see Martouf looking down at the clothes sadly. "What's wrong?"

He looked up at me with sadness in his eyes. "It is Daniel that Samantha is with now."

"That must be hard for you, serving on the same team."

He shrugs slightly. "I made my choice to stay on Earth. It would be dishonourable of me to go back on that promise because I have lost the woman I love to another." He sighs softly. "There is much we should discuss. May I take a shower?"

I nod. "Of course." I show him to the bathroom and then head back downstairs to make some tea for him. I remember how I tried to get him to drink coffee once and it proved to be a sensory overload for Lantash. Martouf had to struggle to keep control as Lantash talked non-stop about various things. It drove us both mad. Martouf drank sweet tea after that. I chuckle softly at the memory.

"What is so funny?"

I turn and look at him. "I was remembering the first time you drank coffee and the effect it had on Lantash."

He smiles. "Yes. I never did tell you what he was talking about did I?"

"No you didn't. Here – I've made you some tea."

"Thank you."

We move into the living area and sit opposite each other. "I have so many questions to ask you."

I watch him place his tea down on the table. "And I of you. Tell me – did we ever form a relationship in this reality?"

I take a deep breath. "No. I was so confused over Jolinar and by the time I worked out which feelings were mine it was too late. You were a Za'tarc and on a visit to Earth to witness the signing of the treaty between the Tok'ra and the Tau'ri, you tried to kill our President." My breath catches in my throat as I remember that time. "I was forced to kill you."

I can see the pain in my eyes reflected in his. "Lantash?"

"Lantash was placed in Stasis. A while later, when we returned to the Tok'ra homeworld for a mission, the base was attacked. Lantash, although weak, jumped into another host. An SGC officer. Elliot. He was very young. He was killed during the mission, although Lantash was kind enough to tell me of both his and your feelings for me before he died." I shake my head softly. "It's been nearly five years, and those images still haunt me. Of you lying dying in my arms, of Lantash in stasis, of Elliot's words and of the belated realization that I loved you both too."

"You never acted upon those feelings?"

"No never. I hid behind what was left of Jolinar and convinced myself that what I felt was her and that when you saw me, you saw her. I was scared of many things Martouf. I was scared to love incase I lost you. I was scared that after what you both shared with Jolinar, whatever I could offer would not be good enough. I didn't see a way in which we could make it work, although I must admit that I would never have thought you would leave the Tok'ra."

"It was Jacob who encouraged me to do so."

"My dad?"

"Yes. He knew how I felt about you and he also knew that you could never leave the SGC. For a while we tried to remain in our respective places in the galaxy – but it was too difficult. We were both leading separate lives and both endangering ourselves in the missions we were undertaking. We rarely saw each other. On one visit I asked General Hammond how he would feel if I remained at the SGC. He of course immediately knew the reason and allowed me a position on SG3. Eventually, after a few missions where SG1 could have used my expertise, he reassigned me and we served on the same team. It was difficult at first but we knew what the alternate was, so we ensured that our personal relationship never interfered with our work."

I place my coffee on the table and curled my legs up under myself. "So how did it all go so wrong?"

"We drifted apart. You were working most of the time with Dr Jackson and soon the inevitable happened. It is no one's fault Samantha."

I shook my head. "I just find it so hard to believe that with everything we felt for each other and you leaving the Tok'ra… how could we not have made it work."

He smiles. "You are different to her in some ways. She never opened her heart to me like you have just done now. It was a silent agreement that we should try a relationship. She never explained how she'd felt or the struggle she'd had with Jolinar's feelings. We rarely talked of the past whilst we were together but I was happy." He leant forward slightly. "This is why I am here."

"To say goodbye."

"No – well yes, if that is what you wish. We are not often offered a second chance at life or love. And yet my past experience has taught me that both are possible. I know that I am not him and I realise that this may seem strange to you. But I am offering you another chance. I have not been involved since Samantha as even though she has moved on, I find it impossible to do so. Seeing you, has given me another option. The chance to make things right. The chance to allow you another chance. I have spoken to General Landry who tells me that should I so wish, I would be a welcome member of the SGC."

I was stunned and excited. Not usually two emotions that I would place together but I was feeling them both very strongly.

"Martouf this is something I need to think about."

"Why – have you not already stated your feelings for me?"

"Well yes – but they're not for you are they? I mean I don't know how close you are to the Martouf of this reality. I'm not about to rush into giving this a second chance based on feelings alone. I've never even kissed you."

"Then perhaps you should."

"I don't think that's the answer. I think we both know what would happen in the heat of the moment and I don't want that type of relationship with you Martouf. I've seen what you had with Jolinar and I know that it would need to be deeper than that if it were to succeed."

"That is where I went wrong with my Samantha. I allowed myself to be carried away by my feelings and her needs and I did not think to stop and question the emotions behind it."

I sigh softly and then yawn. "I am off tomorrow – unless something happens. I think that maybe we should leave any definite decision until then. We need to talk and find out what each of us wants first. I have a spare room that you can use."

"Samantha – as much as I respect your wishes and I realise that what you say is true. I do not know if it would be wise for us to stay under the same roof as you. Myself and Martouf are all too aware of the depth of our feelings and it would take incredible restraint for us not to want to hold you close all night."

I chuckle gently. "Try very hard Lantash." I show him to the spare room and make sure he has everything he needs. "Cassie will be back shortly. Please do not mention that Janet was also with you. She is still dealing with her death and knowing that she was here and left, could case problems."

"I understand. Good night Samantha."

"Goodnight Lantash/Martouf."

-

I lay awake – thinking. I hear Cassie come in and quietly move up the stairs and into her room. I hear the shower go on and then I hear her door shut quietly as she goes to bed. I wasn't looking forward to the decision that lay ahead of me. How often do you get another chance? I sigh. Our relationship with the Tok'ra had suffered over the last few years and after my father died, I felt that the link I once had with them was lost forever. With Martouf's reappearance – questions needed to be answered. I knew that we'd have to tell the Tok'ra if it was decided that he would stay. From my long talks with my father before he died, I knew that the Tok'ra had suffered with the loss of Martouf/Lantash. A lot of information was gone forever with their death.

Martouf was well liked and did not have many enemies within their ranks. He was a respected operative and one whose skills were missed. I can only imagine what was said between him and the high council when he announced his decision to stay with the Tau'ri. It would have been interesting to be a fly on the wall in the council chambers that day. No doubt my father had stuck up for him, pushed the council to see that it would be an asset to the alliance to have a Tok'ra permanently working with us.

I had too much on my mind and reluctantly I admitted defeat and made my way downstairs. I made a coffee and grabbed my jacket. Sitting down on the bench outside I looked up at the moon. It seemed so far away and get I had travelled further. I think back to my father's face when he had learned of my job. His insistence at trying to get me into NASA and then learning that I was doing so much more than any astronaut could. His intrigue when I explained what the Tok'ra were offering and the way in which Martouf hadn't left our sides until Selmak awoke. Despite the fact that the base was on the brink of total destruction – he had stayed. At the time I'd thought it was due to Selmak – their oldest and wisest. But now I believed there was more to it than that. It was a connection that had brought us together in the first instance. Jolinar had led me to him but in the end it was something stronger that formed the bond. Family.

I smile. "I see I'm not the only one who can't sleep."

He sighs and sits beside me, a mug of tea in his hand. "Martouf is exhausted. But I find myself preoccupied with the events of the last few days."

I glance up at the moon again. "Sounds familiar."

He follows my gaze. "Samantha used to tell me of her father's wishes for her to join NASA. I loved hearing the story of how she brought Jacob to us and the strong bond it formed between our people. I have a lot to thank Jacob for."

"I miss him. It's strange because our relationship was never good. After my mother died – I blamed him for so long. He kept pushing me to NASA and I kept running as fast as I could in the opposite direction. In the end, it took his eminent death for me to realise that I couldn't lose him as well. It was just good timing that allowed me to give him another option."

"You brought him to the Tok'ra and an alliance was formed. It took me years to work out why you wanted to be allied with us when the thought of being a host disgusted you so. I finally realised that the way in which Jolinar took you – frightened you. You never gave her a chance to explain what she was or to become a part of you. When I finally understood what you had been through, I understood what type of a person you were Samantha. Despite all you have been through you refuse to see the bad in a situation. As I grew to know you and your team more, I admired that the race we once called so young could deal with so much and still fight."

"When I was a little girl I used to look up at the moon and the stars and wonder if there really was life out there. We are so closed in our minds and we live our lives on this planet, oblivious to what is going on around us in the universe. Knowing what I know now, seeing what I have seen, has made me realise that life is precious. But that knowledge brings with it more problems. As humans we are all too aware of our own mortality. We know that our time here is short and that our death is certain even if we don't know how long away it is. I have seen people die and come back to life. I have seen fatal wounds healed in minutes. Everything I once knew about life is no longer relevant. Death isn't a certainty anymore."

"Martouf was too afraid to ask you – but I wish to know. Has there been anyone else for you?"

I take a deep breath. "I was involved with someone. His name was Pete. We even got engaged and were looking at houses but something inside me just wasn't letting myself fully go. It was almost as if I was an observer to my own relationship. He eventually found out about my work, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up in a confrontation with Osiris. It was my own fault. I thought that I could be happy and that what I'd lost would eventually fade. But I was wrong. From the moment I met you and Martouf, each time we received a Tok'ra IDC I'd wait at the bottom of the ramp and hope that you were coming. Even after your death, I still longed to see you step through the Stargate. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never see you again and that each time I had to deal with the Tok'ra, I was reminded of the one person who had touched my life in ways I was never going to fully understand. In the end I realised that Pete wasn't going to be able to lay that ghost to rest and I broke it off. He didn't know about you and if he did, he never heard it from me. I suspect that Daniel may have told him but I guess I'll never know for sure."

I watched him smile. "If you could know of the fights we had with the council to make sure that we came to the Tau'ri as often as we could. Selmak used to tell them that he could only trust me to accompany him and that my skills were imperative to the mission. I promised my Samantha that I would look after her father when he joined us but I seem to feel that he spent most of that time looking after me. He suspected, long before I realised, that my feelings for you reached beyond those for Jolinar. If he got tired of me asking after you he never showed it. We would often spend our time on watch talking of you and the Tau'ri."

"It's hard to imagine my father playing match maker. He was always so protective of me."

I didn't see his head dip and Martouf's voice surprised me. "He once told me that I was everything he had ever wanted for you and that I should stop being so stubborn and allow you the chance to share my life."

"You are not so different to him."

"You are different to her. She was not as able to share her emotions with me as you are. She held back a lot and in the end I think that is what forced us apart." I watch him reach for my hand and our fingers lock. I close my eyes, lost in the memory that the gesture immediately takes me too. Our first encounter on the sand dunes. "I too was scared that day. When you told me that you felt what Jolinar felt for me, I was scared that you could never love me. That your feelings would always only be an extension of hers. I relied on that connection to keep us together instead of allowing myself to accept that it could never be the same as what we had with Jolinar."

I open my eyes and look into his. "Is there really a chance for us or are we just grasping at an opportunity to make things right?"

"I do not know. But I wish to try. Even if it ends with me losing you again, I would rather have been given the opportunity than spend another two years with regret." I could see him struggling with his own emotions and saw Lantash take control. "We wish to kiss you but we will not do so if it is not what you also want."

I close my eyes briefly, knowing that this was inevitable and knowing that once we do, we are not going to be able to go back. I open my eyes and gently stoke his face, memorising each line and curve as I go. I gently rub my thumb along his lower lip and trace his chin until my hand is on the back of his neck. Instinctively I know where Lantash is and I stoke him softly before gently bringing his lips to mine.

As he softly kisses me, I allow myself to attempt to show him what I feel for him. My emotions flood into the kiss as he embraces me gently and holds me close. There is no passion in the kiss. It is tender and loving, it sends fire down my spine but it is a very deep emotion. One that I have never felt in this way before. I sense the change between symbiote and host and allow our kiss to deepen. I allow my arms to encircle his neck and I know that tears are threatening. This is the man I have loved for so long and I know that I cannot let him go. I break the kiss gently and pull back enough so that I can see his eyes. So full of love and fear.

"I don't know if we can make this work." I whisper softly. "But I do know that I cannot let you go."

He smiles at me softly. "Then I shall stay and we should try to sleep. Please say that we can hold you tonight."

I smile and take his hand, leading him inside and upstairs. We climb into bed and I settle into his embrace. Somewhere in the multi-verse we do make it. In at least one of those realities, we manage to stay together. My last thought as I drift off to sleep is that it may as well be this one.

THE END – although there is a sequel brewing if you all ask nicely enough 