Hopeful Idiot
Chapter 15 : Batty Email
To: BWayne at WayneEnterprises . net
From: Resinded at You_reAMoron . edu
Heading: NSFW – It Only Took Me Six Minutes!
Dear Dumbass,
Seriously, less than six minutes to figure out who you were using only conventional means. Less than ten to confirm. You, sir, are a dumbass of epic proportions. So, let's make a list, shall we?
I) Identification
To give credit where it's due, other than your jawline, you went to a great deal of trouble to conceal your physical identity. Kudos. However, the rest of it was so neglected that it's laughable. Shall I explain?
You are out practically every night as Batman. Which means you must sleep late. Not many jobs allow such, thus leading to the conclusion that you have other means of making money or have an inheritance that you are leeching from.
You use gadgets and physical expertise to subdue. Meaning that you don't have superpowers like Superman. Meaning human. That stupid custom-created suit of yours, along with the many gadgets, means a LOT of money. That damned car means a SHIT LOAD of money! Which narrowed down my search to only Fortune 500 companies. Not too many of those in Gotham.
Limit the search to single males under the age of 40—no one can move like you do and be out of their prime; single because no married partner would allow the one they love to go out every night beating up criminals, thus leaving no family time—and I had a list of eight. Five of which were under the age of 20. It takes time to learn martial arts to the degree of expertise you've shown. Several years of nothing but training. Which brought me to one. You.
None of the three left has been documented as trained in any martial arts (though all trained in strategy, handling of firearms, and one is a fencer). However, you disappeared for seven years. Plenty of time to study, learn, and master any subject, including several martial arts disciplines. Especially if that was all you were doing in those seven years.
Took me 5 minutes, 36 seconds to identify Bruce Wayne as Batman.
II) You're a Dumb Asshole
That shiny VERY custom car of yours had to be over $10 million. I'm guessing, but based on other custom cars, it seems a fair number. (Actually, over $15 million is more accurate, but I thought a nice round number would make you seem less of an asshole.)
Do you have any idea how many people you could be helping with $10 million? Thousands.
You have decided that it's easier and better to beat up dozens of criminals, sending them to jail, instead of using that same amount of money to help thousands of people. You're an Ass. And in case you think I'm being metaphoric, or hypothetical, let me list some possibilities…
A) Social Workers
Last month in Gotham, a 13yo male with cerebral palsy died at home, in his own bed, of neglect. Dehydrated, starved, with suppurating sores over more than 50% of his body. Nine people were indicted in his death, including both parents, three homecare workers, and the social worker assigned to his case, who hadn't paid a visit in person in 18 months, and her supervisor, who ordered the falsification of records to cover up their mistake. The boy weighed less than 42 pounds when he died.
The boy's case worker saw over 50 children, when in Gotham the maximum number is supposed to be 20. The starting salary for a newly-hired, just-out-of-college social worker is $32,000 per annum. Taking $5,000,000 of your car's price, that's 156 new social workers salaries for one year.
B) Meal Program
Many children go without meals because their parents can't afford it. There was a meal program in Gotham, but it was discontinued due to lack of funding. One child, for let's say lunch for easy numbers, can be given a healthy sandwich for less than $1.26 per meal, per child. (Admittedly, I got these numbers from my grocery store prices of lunch meat, cheese, mustard, and bread, then divided based on how many sandwiches I could make from those single items. Buying in bulk would greatly reduce all these numbers. So probably $1 per child, per meal is more accurate.) Fortunately water is free, right? Wrong, but it is cheaper than milk. Trying to work with easy numbers here. Thus, taking another $3 million of that car, at the non-reduced price of $1.26 per child per meal, that's 2,380,952 sandwiches. Divide by 365 for a year-long program, and we get 6,523 children fed a healthy lunch at least once per day for an entire year.
C) Scholarships
Okay, so we're working with $2 million left. If you set out a generous $100,000 per scholarship, that's 20 people who have gone to college, gotten jobs, and become productive members of society. Per year.
Given the psychology that most people go back to what they know, that's 20 people per year coming back to Gotham, improving it. Doctors, nurses, lawyers, social workers, chemists, engineers, et cetera.
Heck, decrease the scholarships to $1.5 million (that's still 15 people per year!), and use the other $500,000 to fund and promote trade programs. Electricians, plumbers, cooks, etc. Trade professions are the backbone of any society, promoting morale in small ways, but just as important for the everyday wellfair of any large populace. Costs less than $10,000 per full course of on-the-job training, which usually lasts 2 years. So that's $5000 per year. So that's 500,000/5,000 = 100 new trade professionals per year.
But sure, you go ahead and buy that stupid bat-themed car, with all its bells and whistles. Crash it. Pay to repair it. Again. And again. And again…
And You Wondered Why I Called You a Dumb Asshole,
Sincerely Hoping That You Learned Something
+++++HOPEFUL+IDIOT+++++
"Son?" Jor-El blinked curiously at his charge.
Clark sighed, but not unhappily. More disgruntled. "What should I get Hope as a present?"
If it was any generic girl, Jor-El's suggestion would've been very different. As it was, the A.I. gave a small smile. "There is something in storage that I think she will enjoy." A panel slid out of the wall of Medical and immediately was transported via beam to a previously-hidden dome module that had silently slid up from the floor.
Clark blinked, "That's a genetic incubator. She doesn't even have house plants, Father. She likes computers…and showing off."
A genetic incubator was designed to rehydrate and grow genetic samples. The Fortress had millions of genetic samples on file, just on the off chance that a suitable planet was ever found to re-start Krypton. It was a very, very, VERY slim chance, but the possibility existed and Jor-El wanted the possibility if such ever did occur.
As if to answer his non-question, the dome cleared to show off the sample that was currently being grown. Clark's head tilted as he stepped closer. It was obviously an animal, not a plant as he'd first thought. Five stubs, which were probably four legs and a tail, clearly indicated a fauna-type. He looked over at the drawer the sample had come from and blinked. "The Kryptonian version are much smarter than the Terran variety. It'd be more of a companion than a pet. Are you sure this is a good idea?"
Jor-El gave him a rather large indulgent smile. "I gave one to your mother as the first courting gift. Trust me, my son. It's perfect."
"And you've taken into account that Earth customs aren't Kryptonian?" The A.I. blinked. Clark opened his mouth to object, then noticed that the small animal had kicked in its sleep. It was already too late. This little one was being grown and it would be born. It would be too cruel to kill it now. He didn't have the heart. He sighed. "Guess Hope is getting a puppy."
Maybe that would increase her mood. When she had first started typing, she was in a great mood, but the more she typed, the worse it got. By the time she was finished and sent it, Hope was more angry than he had ever seen her. She had cuddled up to him, his arms around her, and trembled. Though they hadn't fallen, he had smelled the tears. "Sometimes, Clark, I hate math. I hate it when I'm right. It would be so easy to fix some things…if only they'd listen…"
Yes, a puppy might be a good thing. He'd train it correctly, to guard and protect his Hope. And she'd have something to cuddle and hug when he couldn't be around.
+++++HOPEFUL+IDIOT+++++
Okay, lots of you wanted the actual email Hope sent him. This chapter was greatly inspired by "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by J-Horror Girl [specifically chapter 6] If you haven't read it, I highly recommend.
Posted: 6.11.2020
Please tell me what you think, but please don't be too harsh. I know it's not perfect.