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Chapter 3: Forbidden Pleasures
She was all alone in her gentle silence. But there was unease, unrest. She couldn't help but squirm, trying to find a more comfortable spot that simply did not exist. But then she felt her.
Tears came to her eyes. No one deserved this sort of luck. But she was there, in her arms, smelling of freshly fallen rain. There was that light taste of peppermint on her lips again. From sucking on candy, no doubt. Fate only knew how she had clung on to that sense of crazy innocence for so long. It didn't belong at all, like mixing blue and pink together. She did it, anyway, and it was simply beautiful.
Why did things turn out the way they had? She was so ill prepared for her, so out of her depth on this matter. Things weren't supposed to be like this. They didn't belong together. This was off limits territory she found herself in. She found herself basking in the forbidden pleasures that the girl had to offer, and she was throughly enjoying it. It was the most perfect moment, the smallest fraction of time that she wished she could stretch out into all eternity. In this fraction of time, she was happy.
Slowly, the dream faded away. With blurred sight, she saw her room. Her room, with herself being the only person in it. She lifted herself from her peaceful rest and went about the usual motions as she prepared for the day.
It was all just a dream, she reminded herself. Just a dream.
"Jasmine" sat there in the living room, grinning like a Cheshire cat at four pairs of eyes gave her a good looking over.
And then there was a fifth.
"What is she doing here!"
Raven was surprised. She really was, just not for the obvious reason.
"RAVY!" Jinx screamed, bounding off the couch and somehow managing to gain enough distance to tackle Raven in a hug, "I'm so sorry! BFF, Ravy! BFF!"
"Could you explain this one more time?" said Robin.
"Sure thing, chief! Me and Raven got in a big fight a couple weeks ago, but I feel horrible about it, so I came here to apologize to her!"
All the meanwhile, Jinx clutched Raven's head against her chest. She had said it once before: Jinx was a sick little girl.
"Is this true, Raven?"
Was it true? Did they not see who this was? Did they not notice this was Jinx, the evil criminal who gave them and the city so much grief? How could they not see the truth? This truth, at least?
"I recognize you!"
Finally, someone came to their senses. Starfire would reveal who this girl really was.
"You are from the theater of movies!"
Or she could totally screw Raven into a corner.
"I saw you with Raven at the film 'Roses in the Autumn'!"
"Hey, I've seen you, too!" said Beast Boy, "You're that creepy chick who's always playing that Happy Fun...Dance Fun...Fun Happy Party...that dancing game at the arcade! Dude, you totally freaked Cyborg out when I dared him to touch you, and you just stared at him for, like, five minutes!"
How could they not realize who this was? So what if her hair as down and she wasn't wearing her usual outfit? It baffled her mind how they couldn't see past these minor changes and see who this really was.
Then again, their leader wore a small black strip to hide his identity.
And for a moment, that question popped into Raven's head. Who was this, really?
"Uh, yeah." Jinx played along, "That's what happens when you disturb me when I'm in the zone. You guys should see Raven when she gets into it."
And deeper still did Raven sink into this quagmire. As an added twist of cruelty, she knew that Jinx added an extra little grin when she said "gets into it".
"You play Happy Fun Fun Dance Party Revolution Remix, too!" exclaimed Starfire, now positively beaming.
"Once in a while." Raven muttered.
Really, she never did as much as look at the game. During her rare trips to the mall, bubblegum pop would float out of the arcade on pillowy pink clouds and cheerfully flutter into her ears, reminding her why her trips here were so rare. But now that she thought about it, she did play it one time. It was that time when her and Jinx had the tower to themselves. Jinx muted the TV, put on some Theory of a Dead Man, and they had what she called a "happy naked fun dance party revolution". The game had ended in laughter, tangled limbs, and terrible scores.
"Please, Raven! We must play together some time!"
A parade of dirty thoughts forced themselves upon Raven's poor psyche. She had to get out of here. She had to get a moment's peace to control these urges welling up inside her.
She squirmed out of Jinx's grasp and darted down the hallway, leaving behind the mess that was brewing in the living room. On her way to her room, her sanctuary from the madness she had suddenly been thrust into, she stopped in front of the bathroom.
She never understood the expression "butterflies in your stomache". Butterflies were danty little nector suckers. What she had were lunatic moths, holding a wild rave in her twisted up insides. She mentally screamed, trying to get those damned moths to calm down, but they just wouldn't listen. One moth even had the audacity to fly up to her ear and whisper a dirty little truth.
She could touch herself. Down there. Down in her naughty little area. Just give the hard partying psycho moths what they want, and they would leave peacefully.
Then the moth asked if Starfire did that. It asked if Tamaranian girls did that sort of thing, if they did it to other girls, if they did more than that.
Raven ducked into the bathroom, knocking that stupid moth from it's perch. She took a deep breath, and the moths finally quieted down. She looked into the mirror and she saw that dirty little moth staring right back.
She saw herself.
Just as her clenched hand was about to touch the door, she stopped.
"It's just shock, right? On the inside, she's pleased as punch to see me- 'Pleased as punch'? Who says that anymore? No more TV Land for me. Oh, quit stalling! Just knock, already! Your heart's desire is right on the other side, so quit being a wuss and just-"
"'Jasmine'."
Raven, hood up, was staring at her through her cracked open door.
"Raven..."
Now what? She suddenly realized she didn't plan this through very well. Or at all, really.
Lacking anything to say, she offered Raven a big, mildly unsettling smile.
"If you don't have anything to say, leave me alone."
She just stared at her. It was such a cold, blank look. Each frosty eye took one end of Jinx's heart, ready to rip it in two as soon as the boss gave the word.
"Well?" she thought, "Say something! She's right there! Tell her something! She's gonna close the door if I just stand here, staring at her like some goober if-"
Rip.
The door to the sanctuary of her heart's desire closed in front of her, cruelly denying her access.
"I suck." Jinx said as she slumped down against the wall.
"Friend, you do not create suction."
She pulled her head up to see sweet Starfire looking down on her, an alien angel peering down into the dark pit of despair Jinx just fell into.
"Yeah, I do. I said the stupid thing ever, and I lost my best friend because of it. She hates me."
It hurt so bad. That wasn't the worst of it, though. She felt so helpless now. What she had come here for, what she had abandoned her former life for, it was denied to her and there wasn't a single damned thing she could do about it.
She felt a gentle hand wipe away the tear she didn't realize was there. Oddly enough, it just made her want to cry more.
"Do not be sad. Surely, Raven does not hate you. She is...complicated. Very, very complicated."
Jinx collapsed into Starfire's arms. She needed something comforting, soft, familiar. She was so hopelessly lost in what had been enemy territory, though, and with her Raven locked away, her only hope was this alien girl whom she just threw herself at.
She let out a small gasp. Starfire was holding her. She wasn't pushing her away, making sure no one saw what she just did. She was stroking her hair, whispering that everything would be okay. She was holding her, despite how that may look to anyone else that was around.
"Come." Starfire said as she stood her up, "Let us discuss this while we gorge ourselves on frozen cow lactations."
Jinx hiccupped a little giggle.
"Kinda sounds gross when you put it like that, but sure. Let's go crazy on cow lactation."
It was funny, wasn't it? It wasn't twentyfour hours ago that they would have been enemies. She hadn't ever given it much thought as to what her enemies were like when she wasn't fighting them. She used to write off Starfire as a sugary sweet goody-two-shoes, but...perhaps that wasn't entirely untrue, but she was a genuinely nice person whose presense Jinx could really enjoy.
Especially when there were things in high places.
Jinx caught herself staring at something she probably shouldn't have. As Starfire was reaching up for bowls...
"Well, hey, look at the size of that skirt. It's kinda hard not to look. I wonder if Ravy ever...isn't this the kind of thinking that made us break up? Stupid hot and sexy...hormones. Hormones! Not...is it okay to look? Raven obviously hates my guts. Maybe it is okay. Sort of."
Starfire was staring at with those big green eyes, smiling pleasantly as if ice cream was a miracle cure for the heartache she felt. It was silly. What did ice cream matter at a time like this? What did anything matter?
But it was hard not to cheer up a little. Starfire apparently carried some sort of alien happy virus, because Jinx couldn't help but smile a bit looking at her. She seemed so happy. There wasn't anything to be happy about, but she was still smiling. Come to think of it, hadn't Jinx been like that not too long ago? She always just used to smile if for no real reason other than to smile. That crazy smile died when she broke up with Raven, but looking at Starfire, she could feel it rising from it's grave.
"Please, tell me how you met Raven."
It clawed it's way out of soft earth, an imaginary hand bursting out of the equally imaginary soil. As her mind danced in all the whimsical lies she could tell right now, it pulled itself out of the ground and dusted itself off as if nothing ever happened.
"Oh..."
Her smile lived again.
"It was such a dark and stormy night!"
On the outside, she looked dramatically distraut, as if she were reliving such a night. Inside, of course, she was giggling uncontrollably. Ever since she was little, she loved putting on these melodramatic, attention grabbing exaggerations of truth (or just bold faced lies, in some cases).
"Cold, hard rain pounded on me as I travelled back to my humble home. And such a bitterly cold wind blew! I was drenched, and numb, and I only wanted it to end! That's when I came to...the bridge."
There was a bridge in the city, wasn't there? Well, fancy that. Her fibbing actually fitted in conviently with reality.
"My life...it was so sad, so empty. Just as cold and black as the waters below and the night sky above."
Good line. She had to remember that one.
"I had no friends, no family. I was just some girl that was always there, hoping to be noticed. I never was, though. Surely, no one would miss me if I were to simply disappear into the darkness."
Starfire was totally enraptured, her spoon dangling out of her mouth as she lost interest in her ice cream. Jinx could see her trembling with anticipation, as if the outcome wasn't obvious.
"As I looked into the inviting darkness of the waters, I heard...her."
"Her?"
"Yes...her. She wrapped an arm around me, commenting that was such a stormy night. She said I should get home before I caught my death. That was the only time I could remember anyone being kind to me. I was always a fan of hers, but I never thought she would ever talk to me. I even thought she might hate me, but she didn't. She loved me back."
Jinx caught herself using the "L" word.
"And we've been best friends ever since!" she quickly added, "Well, until...you know, that fight."
She cringed a little when she saw those big tears in Starfire's eyes. Was she actually feeling guilty?
She was so whipped.
"It is so sad!" said Starfire with much quivering in her voice, "I, too, love Raven, but she was always so cold and distant!"
Guilt was quickly pushed aside by old fantasies. Jinx knew that wasn't the context she meant, but a girl could still dream. Dream impish little dreams.
So easily that dream faded, though. Each and every one of her little Raven/Starfire scenerios had Raven in it, giving her a swift kick back into reality.
"What is with her?" she grumbled, "I mean, I know how her powers work and everything, but...argh! That's still no excuse to be a total frosty bitch! She...she could relax once in a while, right? Maybe let go of being a crank for a few minutes?"
She had so often found herself at home in chaos. Everything made so much sense to her and she could dance through it all with ease. In this mess, though, she came to a harsh realization: She was pathetically helpless. This was one of those things that reminded her why she took on the role of thief and mercenary. If you're desperate enough, you should just take what you want. Helpless people only had themselves to blame. They played by the rules, so they deserved every lose they got.
So why was she helpless? It was just a fact. What she wanted just didn't exist.
But what she needed? That was looking across the table at her with sad green eyes.
Though she wouldn't admit it to even herself, this is how she socialized. Sitting out in the living room, quietly reading her books in plain view of everyone.
"Dude! Hold up! I can't...GAH!"
"Sorry, Beebs! Survival of the fittest!"
She glanced over to them for a second. To her.
"Dude! I...ah, Terra! C'mon! Just...lemme...geez."
What Raven assumed was victory music played, followed by Terra's triumphant laughter.
"Ha ha! The queen retains her title! Who's next? How 'bout you, Raven?"
She just looked over at her for a moment, then turned her attention back to her book.
"Translation?"
"That's Raven for...sure, I'll play!"
Terra had just popped up one day and re-entered their lives as if nothing happened. That wasn't right. People couldn't just do that. They couldn't just disappear and re-appear as they pleased. It was total nonsense.
"Really, Raven? Well, if you insist. You done reading?"
That's exactly what she did, though. Crazy little weirdo.
"You haven't turned that page in a while."
Whether she wanted it or not, she had now received Raven's full attention.
"I wasn't staring or anything. I just...didn't notice you turn any pages."
Truth be told...
"Beast Boy!" Cyborg's voice boomed from the hallway.
"Here, Raven!" Beast Boy said as he tossed Raven his controller and scanned the immediate area for a place to hide.
"What did you do?" Raven asked, casually brushing the controller off her lap.
"I...just used the Titan mainframe to download one or two little freeware games...but-"
"Pop-ups again?"
"It's like the chimera! Cut off one head, and two more-"
"Hydra. You're thinking of the hydra. And you only have yourself to blame. You should just be mature about it and take responsiblity for your dumb mistake."
"Well, when you put it like that..."
Beast Boy turned into a mouse and scampered between Cyborg's legs just as he entered the room.
Just her and Terra now.
"So, you gonna play?"
Black light engulfed the other controller and dropped it down next to her.
"Eh. I was getting bored, anyway."
She turned off the TV and directed a lazy gaze in Raven's direction.
"So, whatcha wanna do?"
"Nothing."
"Cool. How do we do that?"
Who was she to chastize Beast Boy for not learning from past mistakes? He would always try to bait her into that trap. Little wonder that Terra did the same.
"Are you still all uppity about how I'm controlling my powers? The reason I don't have to lock myself up in my room all day is because- sit down for this this-"
"I am sitting, as you can plainly see."
"Oh, yeah. Anyway, it's because I don't lock myself up in my room all day, and I learned not to totally freak out over controlling my powers!"
"I don't freak out."
"Not what I...uh..."
As their eyes met, and not on friendly terms, Terra shyed away.
"Sorry. I didn't mean...but don't you wish you could be more normal? No! I didn't mean it like that! I mean, don't you wish you didn't have to worry about controlling your powers?"
It was a rare lapse in judgement, the slightest hole in her defenses.
"Yes."
"Oh."
It was there, though, and Terra saw it.
"H-Hey...if you ever wanna talk or anything..."
"I won't."
"Won't"? Didn't she mean "don't"? To deny any problem rather than to deny any help?
Whatever. Terra was the one that was supposed to be under a microscope, not her. Maybe it was because of her low opinion of people in general, but she really doubted Terra ever just got over her baseless accussations of betrayl. Something was up with her, and until she found what that something was, there had to be a nice, healthy distance between them.
And it was time for just that. She pulled up her hood and-
"Wait! What am I doing wrong!"
She had just about made it to the hallway when she said that.
"Why do you hate me!"
She couldn't turn around. She would just see her tearful eyes, her pouting lips. She just needed to push her away and head back to her room.
"Please! Just tell me! Please!"
She couldn't turn around. She just couldn't.
But she couldn't move on, either. She was just standing there, listening to Terra's ragged breaths degenerate into a hushed sob.
Finally, she walked away.
She just walked away.
Looking back at it now, with that picture of Terra she kept tucked away in dark corners now firmly grasped in her fingers, she thought about how things could have been different. Would it be any different if she turned around and told her she didn't hate her? That she envied her, admired her? What would happen if she wiped away the tears and held her? Told her she wasn't doing anything wrong?
It was pointless. She didn't, that's what happened. There was no changing that. If she did, maybe she would just be asking a different set of questions, or maybe things would have played out exactly the same. Either way, Terra would just crush her heart.
She replayed that paticular night one last time. Terra had been wrong, not her. She wasn't doing anything wrong. After all, she wasn't the one who turned traitor.
But-
Raven stopped herself at that word. It was best never to think about what would follow. Terra betrayed them, then did the right thing in the end. Simple as black and white.
"Bum drawf?"
To Jinx, the thing Starfire was holding just looked like a big, freaky maggot.
"No!" Starfire laughed, "Bumglorth! Silkie is my bumglorth! Give him a hug!"
One more step back and Jinx hit a wall. She couldn't take her eyes off the...thing. It's pulpy, pulsating body, threatening to rupture and spill all manner of fluids on her. It's drooling, gaping maw, excellent for sucking faces off the unwary. All those squirming little legs...
"It...isn't gonna puke acid on me, is it?"
Oh, sure, Starfire thought it was funny, but she was probably immune to whatever diseases the bulbous grub carried in it's swollen body.
Reluctantly, Jinx took Silkie, trying to block out all the gurgling noises he was making.
"So..." she said, trying to take her mind of the beady-eyed grub in her arms, "Your room sure is...pretty."
"Thank you. Oh! And I am reminded that we must prepare a room for you!"
"Oh, I don't wanna impose..."
That was a lie. She really wanted to impose, especially seeing as how she had nowhere else to go.
"Do not let it trouble your mind, friend! Come!"
Ever grateful to put down Starfire's pet mutant caterpillar, Jinx wasted no time in following her.
As she passed Raven's room, a thought just accorded to her. She had a place to stay here, in the very home of her bittersweet Raven. And if there was a just and merciful God in Heaven...
"This shall be your room."
And there was, it seemed. Just pass that cold metal door labeled "Raven" was the room Starfire stopped at. The inside was painted a dull cement gray, but it still filled the ex-super criminal's michevious heart with whimsy.
"Please forgive the barrenness of the room. It has been a long time since we put this room to use."
"It's perfect!" Jinx cooed, "Oh...there is so much I can do with this! You guys got any paint?"
As Starfire went to retrieve paint, Jinx stared at the wall. She was just on the other side, wasn't she?
"RAVY!" she screamed, "YOU HEAR ME!"
Nothing.
"ME AND STAR ARE GONNA PAINT MY ROOM! WANNA JOIN IN!"
Still nothing.
"C'MON! DON'T BE THAT WAY!"
"Jasmine?"
While she had been trying to get Raven's sweet, precious attention, Starfire had returned with the paint.
"Why are you yelling at the wall?"
"Raven's just on the other side, right? Just thought I'd invite her over."
"By screaming through the wall?"
"Yeah, sure."
Jinx knew exactly what she wanted. She would just blast open the cans, splattering the whole place like a hard partying rainbow just threw up in the joint.
But that was what Jinx would do. Jasmine, as far as anyone knew, didn't have any super powers.
"Which latex based pigment would you like?" said Starfire, "Might I suggest lavander?"
Jinx pondered her dilemna for a moment before realizing the solution was eagering awaiting her response.
"Hey, Star...could you maybe...blow up the paint cans!"
Starfire reeled back a little at Jinx's deranged smile.
"I'll throw up a can up, and you hit it with a starbolt. It'll be awesome!"
"Um..."
"Great!" Jinx said before Starfire could protest, "Let's start with..."
Jinx saw she had grabbed a can of navy blue.
"Red."
Jinx giggled to herself, eagerly awaiting the inevitable explosion that would follow as she toss the paint can into the air. Maybe she should have took the lid off, though, because the result boom brought Robin running down the hall.
"Hiya, Chief!" said Jinx, totally, literally red faced, "We're painting the guest room! Got any more goat's blood?"
Robin backed off without a word.
Raven gave a grief stricken sigh as she closed her book and got up. That series of booms coming from down the hall were Jinx's doing, no doubt.
Just as she reached a small portion of paint-splattered wall, she groaned. They had given her a room, hadn't they? And it was the one facing the setting sun, the one that was smack dab next to her own room.
The one that used to be Terra's.
"What disaster struck this place?" she droned when she entered.
"We are giving color to Jasmine's new room by detonating containers of paint!" Starfire said cheerfully.
"RAVY!"
Before she could react, Jinx gave her a hug with paint splattered arms.
"You missed out on most of the fun. Saved you a can of your favorite color, though."
Jinx dangled a can of blue in front of Raven's face.
"Dare I ask why she has a room here?"
"I'm homeless!" Jinx said with an unusual amount of enthuseasm, "Like I told your friends, my butt got kicked out of my boarding house yesterday. Couldn't make rent, and they just couldn't deal with my bad self!"
"Mm hmm. And Robin was okay with this?"
"Sure. Totally okay with him."
"It is true." added Starfire, "She is your friend, so she is our friend, as well."
Her friend? After how she stabbed her in the back? Jinx was their enemy. She would point it out if only...
If only what? If it wouldn't reveal the affair they had carried on? Or was it because she didn't want to be her enemy? Was it because there a gaping hole in her heart, and she was just the right size to patch it up?
She pulled up her hood and walked away just as Jinx screamed "Pull!", an explosion of blue paint misting her back.
"Little weirdo got paint all over me." Raven grumbled as she headed back to the sanctity of her room.
What a mess this was. How could Robin do this? Maybe it was just as well, lest things get too complicated to avoid telling the truth. And the truth? That was something Raven wasn't too keen on looking too deeply into. She needed to focus on one thing at a time, like changing into a new outfit.
She threw off her stained uniform and reached for a fresh one. Her hand stopped short, though. She was in the safety of her own room. What was the rush?
She drifted down onto her bed. Stupid silly, crazy Jinx. Everything had been so simple until she ruined it all. Everything used to make sense. It use to be so simple, so clear cut. Now there were feelings that shouldn't be there, craving that couldn't be there. If only...
There was no use fretting over it. She should just relax while she could, before Jinx blew open the wall in her redecorating frenzy.
Love was overrated. Everyone always preached about how wonderful it was, but really, it just hurt. It made her miserable. She wanted to hate Jinx because of it. She wanted to stomp right in there, grab her, and toss her right out the window. She couldn't, though. She couldn't help but feel helpless. As much as she struggled, this was out of her hands.
She hated love so much right now. It made her loose her edge, it made her loose her focus, it made her forget everything that had been drilled into her mind since birth. And now- laying on her bed in her underwear- it made her think dirty, wrong things.
She wondered what Jinx and Starfire must be doing in there.
What naughty little things they must be doing.
Jinx yanked off of her paint freckled shirt, and...ah, she didn't like wearing bras, did she? Starfire dabbed her fingers on a wet patch on the wall and traced her fingers along Jinx's back, forming little wings of blue on creamy white skin. Blue lines traced along her stomach, crisscrossing as they made their way up to her chest. Jinx's own hands- stained in pink- held Starfire's there. Soft kisses caressed her neck, leading to a playful nip of her ear. She broken away, to Starfire's dismay, and teasingly covered herself. If Starfire wanted her, she would just have to come get her.
And of course, she came for her. She pressed her against the wall, hungry lips parting only long enough for Starfire to remove her top. Jinx's hands formed wings on Starfire's back, pink as her eyes. They cascaded down her back, underneath her dress...
What was she thinking? She was above this. Save that nonsense for the hormone crazed boys of the world. She didn't think those kinds of thoughts. She was mature, dignified, sophisticated. Lust wouldn't make a fool of her.
But it wasn't lust she was trying to suppress, was it? It ran so much deeper than that, and it was bound and determined to make her loose that precious maturity she took so much pride in.
What she tried to supress...it wouldn't get the better of her...
When was the last time she had taken such a long shower? Not once did anyone bang on the door, or just force it open without bothering to knock. She even made it to her room without anyone trying to yank off her robe. Jinx's old teammates could learn a thing or two from these guys.
That beautifully long shower reminded her she was once again starting life anew. Her life was a blank canvas again.
And now it was time to get back to work on her next piece.
She felt a shiver go up her spine when she saw Raven's eyes. How long had it been since she looked into her eyes? Minutes? Hours? Too long. Far too long.
"Seriously, thank you for your constant interruptions. I thank you from the bottom of the cold, black mass of organic matter I call a heart."
"Ah, no thanks necessary! C'mon! Come see what me and Starfire did with my room."
"No."
So flat, so cold. But that was how Raven was. Underneath that smooth, cool surface...
"Will you...please go away now?"
Was several more feet of ice, encasing a frozen heart.
Complicated, her ass.
She had said it so easily. She had pulled out a cold dagger, and with one quick stroke, she cut the canvas in half and shut the door, leaving Jinx quietly reeling.
That coldness that Raven always carried with her spread through Jinx's body. As she slumped against the wall- the one between her and Raven- she let herself accept the awful truth.
This was all her fault.
"I'm here, aren't I? Doesn't that tell you something? Don't you get it!"
She spun around and kicked the wall, shaking off the numbing cold that had been enveloping her.
"ANSWER ME!" she screamed, "C'mon! Yell, scream, cuss me out! I'm right here! Just get it over with already!"
All that she heard was cold, dead, uncaring silence.
She slumped back against the wall, her fiery passion once again being snuffed out. The air was stifling in here. Everything was squeezing in on her. Suddenly, she missed her former life. The lack of privacy, the seemly characteristic stupidity of young males, the sound of someone else's voice. The silence was so cold, so cruel. It refused to listen to a single word she had to say.
Well, then, she would just have to get the silence's attention, wouldn't she?
"Wha...Starfire?" she spoked up, "What are you do- Oooh! Starfire! Don't!"
She was grinning so wide, it hurt. She could just image Raven picking up on that, sticking her ear to the wall in hopes of hearing more juicy little bits of naughtiness.
"Star...that tickles!"
Oh, what was her little Raven doing now? Gasping in disbelieve, perhaps? Giggling with mischevious glee? How much was she straining to hear her little act?
"Mm...Star, I never knew...what are you..."
She bit her lip, trying desperately not to burst into laughter at the next dirty thing that popped inside her twisted mind. She almost couldn't say it, lest her laughter escape.
"Oh! Oh, Starfire! Oh yeah...eat me..."
That was bound to bring Raven coming. She always squirmed so bad when she even implied dirty talk. She was so cute when she did that. She could be aggressive when she wanted to be, but one dirty little word and she would act like she was caught with her hand in a cookie jar. Any second now, Raven would come running into her room, and boy, was she going to be in for a surprise. She would rush through the door, afraid her love was being taken away. She would be whimpering, trying so hard to push down the tears. She wouldn't dare let know Jinx she was scared of loosing her again. But she would be there, though. She would wipe away the tears, kiss her cheek, and all would be as it should.
But the seconds kept passing.
"Ravy!" she whined, "You're missing out! Am I gonna have fun all by myself! Star could use some help! She'd say it herself, but her mouth's full!"
Oh, how fun it was being the bad girl! All the best things in life were those bad, naughty, totally taboo things that no one wanted you to have.
More seconds passed, and Raven didn't come bursting through the door, trying to push down her tears and look tough in front of her.
She didn't do anything.
"Fine!" Jinx said with a huff, "Be that way! I don't need you!"
She slumped back down again. Well, fine. Her loss, wasn't it? And just for not playing along, Starfire was going to take her place in her little fantasy.
Starfire...what wonderful planet of amazons bred that gorgous creature? Those long legs ending in that cute butt, that top so tightly hugging her chest...
She was a tall girl, wasn't she? Jinx could hop up and cling to her like a dirty little sloth. She would crane her neck to plant her kisses, but Starfire would only allow quick pecks, giggling and drawing back. They would take their tops off and as Jinx clung to her, they could feel each other's heart beats. They would make a game out of trying to kiss each other in time to each others heart beats, but ultimately, they would give up on that and Starfire would let her nurse on those sweet lips like a hungry babe. One long, fulfilling, intoxicating kiss...
No. It wasn't the same. That should be Raven. Raven's lips, Raven's taste, Raven's heart. Those weren't hers anymore. But that's what she wanted. Her sweet Raven.
Her only Raven.
"Ow!"
As she leaned back, she banged her head on the wall. As she rubbed her head, a dark little thought popped into her head.
She banged her head against the wall again. Hard.
Would Raven care now? How long would it take?
She banged her head again.
Would she come to tell her to be quiet? Could she even hear her? They probably had decent soundproofing here.
And again.
Would she be unconscious by the time Raven came?
Again.
Would she ever wake up again?
Again.
That would show her, wouldn't it? Maybe then she would care. She would cry and cry, and regret ever ignoring her. It would serve her right, wouldn't it?
"QUIT THAT!"
Jinx hung her head as she realized where that voice came from.
"I'M TRYING TO READ! QUIET DOWN! I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING!"
"EVERYTHING!"
"YES! EVERYTHING! IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, TELL ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND QUIT SCREAMING THROUGH THE WALL!"
Jinx smiled to herself.
Terra was raising a ruckus again, singing along to some song. Raven really needed to get that wall soundproofed better, but for the time being, she was content with listening in on her. She wasn't that bad a singer, really.
So, what purpose was this serving? She had a reason for listening, right? Of course. The runaway returned out of the blue, just like that. She was still reckless, still moody, still a disaster waiting to happen.
Who was she kidding? She wasn't that much different, was she? No matter how calm she made herself, no matter how deep in meditation she got, it was all just lurking under the surface. She was a walking time bomb herself.
What was Terra doing in there? It wasn't fair. She was having her own one woman party while Raven was trying- and failing- to meditate.
It wasn't fair? Life wasn't fair. That was something Raven came to terms with a long time ago. Why was it bugging her now? She didn't want any part of Terra's life. That wasn't her. She didn't want...
What did she want? When she thought about that, a strange little thought creeped into her mind. Maybe, just maybe...
When Terra opened the door, she would just smile at her. That certain took her off guard. With that, she would grab her and-
No, maybe not. Let Terra be the one to take charge. Let responsiblity be lifted from her shoulders for once.
It would be Terra that came to her door, that wild, predatory grin on her face. She would pin her aginst the wall, but she wouldn't offer any resistance. Curiousity had gotten the better of her. She wanted to know where this would lead.
Her face grew closer, that wild grin still on her lips. And then, a kiss. A quick little taste of things to come. Raven leaned forward, unsatisfied with that little nibble, but Terra pull back just out of reach. She cradled her, drawing their bodies together at her own pace. That was fine by Raven. At her touch, her body was as air. She was helpless in this girl's arms, but it was alright. In her arms, she was free.
Her kisses were a sweet wine that she took in slowly, taking the time to admire the unique flavor. Electricity followed her roaming hands, everywhere they touched leaving her tingling. And then...
She reached downwards.
Raven shuddered, holding her breath to keep from screaming out. But her lip quivered. A light moan escaped, along with her name.
The music went silent. For a moment, Raven honestly thought Terra might have picked up on her dirty little thoughts. On the other side, Raven could hear footsteps, the door opening and closing. Terra had just stepped out for no reason of any importance. She and her naughty thoughts remained safe. It was a bit of a rush, though, wasn't it? It was as if she actually wanted Terra to know.
There was a knock on her door. Good lord, there was a knock on her door. And of course, there could only be one person on the other side.
"Terra?"
"Hi." she said shyly, "I just wanted to say sorry for...y'know, last night..."
"Don't worry about it."
"I'm sorry. After what I said the last time- when I ran away- I really wanna make things up to you guys. I got really scared, and I thought Beast Boy told on me, and-"
"Terra?"
"I-I thought you would hate me because I couldn't control my powers, and-"
"Terra!"
The poor girl was still an emotional wreck, still just as fragile as that night she ran away. How long had she been on her own? How long did she have to struggle with her powers by herself?
"Raven?"
Her hand was on Terra's shoulder. She just realized that. Just standing there, with her hand on her shoulder.
"It's okay. Really. I forgive you."
That wasn't how she really wanted it to play out. She wanted to take her in, tell her that she knew how she felt. She wanted to say had been vulnerable and insecure once, too. She wanted to sit down with her, hold her. She wanted to be her friend.
She wanted...
"Thanks, Raven."
She smiled. And then, to Raven's discomfort, she hugged her.
"It really means a lot."
Why did she have to hug her? She was too warm. She was going to burn up if she didn't let go. But deep down, the warmth, as strange as it felt, was nice. It was a comfort she denied herself for her own good. Comfort dulled the senses, lowered one's guard. It would only make her vulnerable.
There was a knock at the door.
"You just can't leave me in peace, can you?"
"Nope."
That damned girl was grinning again. Always with that half cocky, half deranged smile.
"You can't just abandon me and expect that I'd be happy to see you."
She tried to close the door, but Jinx stuck her foot in the way.
"I meant it when I said I was sorry. And I mean it when I say I love you."
Did she have to use that word? Out in the hallway?
"What do you want?" Raven hissed, "You want me to sleep with you?"
"I just want the truth. If you hate me, just come out and say it. Kick me out, if you want. But if not..."
She couldn't say it. She had to retreat.
"Raven! Don't-"
She kicked Jinx's foot out of the way and firmly closed the door.
"You're gonna leeeaaave...her. You have deeeceeiiived...her."
Jinx turned her MP3 player off.
"Ah, whadaya know, Martina? She's more than just a girl."
Oh, whatever. What did she care about love? Not a whole lot had changed since the days of that pink haired, paled skinned little pariah who barely spoke a word of English. Still craved attention, respect, recongnition...
Love...
What did she care about this? She never should have lost sight of what was really important: Being better than everyone else. Rising up above everyone so high, that no one could hurt her. She would be the greatest, the best, the girl everyone admired and envied. No one would make fun of her, no need to force a cocky grin. It would all...
Be like it was with Raven.
Jinx took one more breath of vanilla scented air, then uncrossed her legs and went about extingishing her Hello Kitty candles.
Okay, since when had she ever cared about anyone else's opinion? She was Jinx, or "Jasmine Onyx", given the present circumstances. Either way, her soul was free. She never let anyone keep her down. Who she presented herself as was the real her. She didn't cry. She didn't cry and whimper and sit in the corner like a good little girl. She'd never cry, and she'd never stop smiling. No one would ever bring her down.
Except Raven.
She clenched her fist. No one should be making her feel this bad. That wasn't her. She didn't feel bad. She never felt bad about all the bad things she had done. She shouldn't. Luck was never on her side, so...
So...
So why did she feel bad?
She did have a conscience. Maybe she didn't listen to it much, but it was still there. It nagged at her, telling her a nasty little truth.
She wasn't good enough for Raven.
And then she stopped smiling.
And then she cried.
It was the little pains, again. Every small pain she thought she could shrug off, every bigger one she thought she could overcome...it all got to her. Every failure and every flaw.
For a moment, she didn't want to live anymore. It wasn't to get attention or to make someone feel bad. It was utter hopelessness. Uselessness. Her life didn't hold any value, not even to herself.
After a few quiet seconds, the feeling went away. She could feel a bit of her old self returning, unburdened by little pains. It was just a bit, though. Just enough to reminder her she wanted to live, no matter what. She was still wounded.
"Hey..."
She needed to be held so badly.
"I...I'm sorry to bother you, but..."
She needed her.
"I-I'm not feeling well...and..."
Who else could she turn to?
"Jasmine?"
She collapsed into the comfort of Starfire's arms.
Toss. Turn. Russle. Squirm. Shift.
Where...was it?
Deeper...deeper into the covers...
Wrapped in a blanket cocoon...
Only a bitter moth would tear out in the morning.
Where...
There. Right there. Floating. Held. Warm. The gentle scent of spring rain-
Floating?
"GAWH!"
Raven crashed back down onto her bed.
"Sleep floating?" she groaned, "What am I, five?"
It was an old habit from her childhood. One she had outgrown.
She cast a weary eye over to the clock, then at the window.
"Meh." she muttered, "I suppose sleep is overrated, anyway."
As autumn colors bled into the morning sky, Raven dragged her weary self out of bed and into the shower.
"Sleep floating. Azar above, when was the last time I did that? And why...oh. Yeah. Jinx. Wonder of wonders, she's throwing me off center. Of course. This is why..."
Just as she reached for the shampoo, she paused.
"You were the one to call it off. But...you came back. Why? What's the point? I...I can't be who you want me to be. I never had that chance, and it's not as if I can change now. Things are the way they are, and you're not making them any less difficult."
Her groan echoed about the bathroom, bouncing off the tiles and back into her ears.
"Alright. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses. But things were in their proper place before. I shouldn't be bothering myself with childish fixations and vulgar urges. I should try to make myself as pure as anyone like me can."
She leaded her head back, a deep breath as water hit her chest and cascaded downwards.
"And why is that? Am I really better off like this? Trying to keep anyone from ever touching me? It's selfish, I know, but...maybe I do want someone to touch me. To hold me. To make me feel like I'm destine for something other than suffering. Is it so much to ask for that small comfort? For such a simple, sweet illusion?"
Perhaps she shouldn't speak so lightly of it. It didn't feel light. It felt like the weight of the world was hanging around her heart.
"Why haven't I grown out of this? My whole life, I conditioned myself against this. Emotional attachment leads to nothing good. Jealous, paranoia, obsession, possessiveness...and in the end, it all just hurts you. I will not...ever..."
The weight grew heavier.
"Love you..."
And heavier.
"Jinx."
And then...
She turned the faucets. She dried herself off and fixed her hair. She got dressed and left the bathroom.
Dragging her disobedient little heart behind her.
author's notes: Okay, you're sick of waiting, I'm sick of waiting, and this chapter isn't showing any signs of ending soon...so the story will end with a FOURTH chapter! Will Jinx's cover be blown? How far did Raven go with Terra? Are Jinx and Starfire gonna get it on with each other? And most importantly, will Raven and Jinx ever be together again? All shall be revealed in the fourth and final chapter of Forbidden Fruit!
Obsessed with lesbianism as much as I am? Well, head on to my corporate headquarters (or "corporate headquarters", rather) at Words of a Madman! It's insane how female homoerotic things are getting there (thanks in part to the breast molesting antics of Neko Yogurt)! You can find a link on my profile. Just click on my name. Also, checking my profile can keep you abreast of what's going on with my fanfic projects (yes, Masturbation chapter 2 will be done eventually).
Oh, and if you need some more incentive to check out WOAM, the first script of the yuri drama "Elf Porn" is gonna be up soon. Yes, that's right. "Elf Porn". (And the number of visitors skyrockets!)
update: FUCK IT! For God's fucking sake, what is wrong with this shit! I recently looked at how this looked up, and I can see now what people are complaining about! People, I'm sorry. I'm truly, deeply sorry, but you have to blame for this. Good God, this looks like shit. SPACE EVERY LINE! Jesus Christ, I am not making tons of hard returns just to try and alleiviate this crap! Reveiwers, take this fomatting nonsense up with itself. Anyone who wants to see how this is supposed to look, pop on over to WOAM, and I'll get to work on posting copies there. And if you wanna see it in all it's original, unmolested glory (with fancy pants indents and stuff), I'll be glad to email a copy to anyone who wants it (assuming, of course, the library computers quit freaking out over attachments).