Chapter Fourteen

Too Stubborn to Settle For Second Best

Why am I here?

Woody rolled the thought around in his mind for a second. He knew, but he didn't know exactly how to verbalize it. And it had him so addled he had asked twice about Joanna.

Because when you boiled the reason for his visit down, Joanna was at the core.

His mind had replayed a thousand flashbacks today when Sarah had gone into labor on that Greyhound bus. Seeing Jordan return to Boston pregnant. Deep down hoping the baby was his. It would have kept him and Jordan connected for the rest of their lives by DNA, blood, and the love and concern for a child.

Being disappointed when Jordan had told him her initial due date.

Then having his hopes raised again when the baby came early. Delivering a child he had dared believe by a wisp of faith could be his. Holding Joanna and praying that the blue eyes she was born with genetically linked the baby to him.

Then dealing with the reality that like Jordan had told him, Joanna was Pollack's daughter, not his. Swallowing the disappointment and going on with his life, exquisitely aware that at any point in time the woman that still held his heart could leave Boston and disappear out of his life. And he couldn't stop her because he had no DNA anchor to hold on to her.

He thought he had dealt with his bitterness: Jordan fleeing Boston and not telling him, yet trusting him enough to let him deal with the evidence she shipped back; The fact that Joanna wasn't his child; That he totally fucked up whatever he had with Lu because deep in his heart, he was praying for a reunion that was not likely to happen.

But the bitterness erupted again when he had told Jordan he wished she had never told him that she loved him. He knew the statement would hurt her. Jordan Cavanaugh, if nothing else, told the truth. It may be rough around the edges and jagged at the seams, but she had told him what she felt. Honest. Open. Everything that he wasn't.

So he knew it was true. On some level, at some time, Jordan had loved him. And he knew it would make her wince just a little when once again he threw it back in her face. Bitterness had been eating him alive and was a cold, lonely bedfellow at night. He had wanted her to share the experience.

That was then. Now…he just wanted…"Do you ever wish you could go back and change the past?" The words were out of his mouth before he knew it.

"What?" Jordan looked up, startled. He had been quiet for so long, she had nearly assumed he wasn't going to answer her question.

"Do you ever wish you could go back and change the past? Undo what you did…change history?"

Her lips quirked up at the corners. "Sometimes…I wish I wouldn't have been so obsessed with my mother's murder…it cost me time with my dad and damaged friendships nearly beyond repair."

Woody nodded. "Anything else?"

Jordan sighed. "JD. In one way I wish I would have never gotten involved with him. At least he might still be alive. But then I wouldn't have Joanna. So I guess there's a silver lining behind every cloud."

"Ohhhhh, so Jordan Cavanaugh does have a pair of rose-colored glasses somewhere…"

Jordan chuckled along with him. "Just don't you dare tell a soul. My cynical persona cover will be blown." She paused for a moment. "So what about you? Is there something in your past you wish you could change?"

Woody rubbed the back of his neck. "Cal."

"Well, there's a whole boat load of issues there."

He nodded in agreement. "Everything would have to be changed…."

There was a quiet pause in the conversation, but Jordan knew that it wasn't over. "Is there anything else?' she prompted quietly.

"I wish Joanna was mine." The words came out in a rush, as if he didn't get a chance to say them quickly enough, he never would get them out.

Smiling sadly at him, Jordan replied. "I'm sorry. But she's not. She's a great kid, I can see why…."

"She would link us."

"What?" Jordan shook her head. "I'm not following."

"Don't you see? If Joanna was mine, we'd have this link between us…something that would always be there between us…"

"Woody…" Jordan felt all the breath squeeze out if her lungs. "She's not yours…but a child can't serve as an emotional bond between two adults. It's not fair to the parents or the kid."

"I know…I just….just…"

"Spill it, Woody. All of it."

"I wish I could go back and change us. That night on your birthday when I gave you the friendship ring? I wish I could go back and change it. See you take it. The Lucy Carver Inn? I wish it would have snowed us in for a week. I would have kept you in that bed, but I wouldn't have pushed you away once we got back to Boston. I wish there had never been a Lu…or even a JD…except for Joanna…I wish…"

Jordan's head swam. The sheer earnestness in his voice swept her away. There was no doubt in her mind that he was being truthful with her. That a large part of his history, he wished he could go back and rewrite.

But the emotional pain that was playing across his features made her ache for him. "Oh Woods," she got out on a whisper.

"I know." His lips twisted up into a wry grin. "Too late. There's a reason they call it history, right? And a reason you can't travel back in time." He turned to face her….to try to salvage the scraps of their relationship and see if he couldn't fashion them into some kind of friendship, at least.

And was surprised to find her whisky-colored eyes swimming in tears. Pity? Regret? He wasn't sure. Maybe he didn't want to find out. "I guess I should go," he murmured, getting his plate and walking over to the sink. "Thanks for dinner…"

"I was going to take it." Her words, said so low he had to strain to hear them, still cut him to the soul.

"Take it?" He turned from the sink to face her.

"Yeah. The ring. I was going to take it." She moved across the floor to stand in front of him. "That night…when you came back to my office and said it was better that we just be friends…do you remember what I was doing when you came in the door?"

Woody flipped through the files in his mind. "You were on the phone," he said slowly.

"I was calling you. I was going to ask you if it was okay if I changed my mind…if I could wear your ring. Be your friend. And something more…but then you said…"

Woody let out a breath he felt like he had been holding for seven years. "You were? And then I said…What a fuck up…." He ran a trembling hand through his hair. "That means…everything…everything would have been different if I just would have let you talk…"

Jordan nodded. "If you were that undecided…first wanting to give me a ring and us move the relationship to the next level…and then less than 24-hours later change your mind, I figured you really weren't sure…so I didn't push the issue…."

"Jesus…"

They both stared at each other for a long moment…the realization that their present could be very different if they could have re-written the past. Joanna could have been Woody's. The fact was by this time, if Woody would have let Jordan talk, not only would they have Joanna, but probably at least one other little Hoyt running rampant through the house.

A house. Their home. Together.

Woody bit his lip. Jordan fought back another round of tears. "I have a big mouth," he finally said. "that I seem to constantly be putting my foot in when it comes to you, Jordan."

She nodded in perfect agreement. "Yes, you do."

He chuckled then. She was still honest. Still blunt. And still as sexy as hell. "I guess the past has bit us both in the ass today."

"I guess so…"

Woody shifted nervously from foot to foot. "So…."

"I don't know," she replied to his unasked question. "I don't know where we go from here. I just know we can't change the past."

"The future? What about that?"

"I don't know that, either. I'm many things. Psychic isn't one of them, though," Jordan replied wryly. "But I know one thing, Woody. What we had…it was real. In many ways, it still is. We've both been through hell, but here we are still together…still friends, at least. We've both had relationships with other people, but look at us. You're standing in my kitchen in your workout clothes and I'm in my bathrobe. I had another man's child that you delivered and wish was your own. That's something. I'm not sure what…but it's something…electrical…chemical….whatever. I just know that we keep ending up with each other because any other relationship is always second best. And we're both too stubborn to settle for that."