A/N: Let's pretend it hasn't been nearly a decade since I updated, yeah? Let's pretend I'm still thirteen and I don't know anything about writing and I'm just going to make this plot go because I can now. I didn't stop writing over this long ass break, but I did write some original stuff for myself, drag myself kicking and screaming through the end of middle school, all of high school, a bachelor's degree, and now a masters in creative writing. I just want to thank this platform for helping me find something I love doing so much. This fic was once a labor of love, no thoughts, no editing, just me and a very disorganized plot, and I want to continue writing in a space that isn't for profit, no pressure to make it my full-time job. The writing style, I have to warn you will feel different now, just because… well I'm not thirteen anymore, but I will do my best to keep it as true to myself as I can. I'm also going to pretend that this is 2014 in terms of all the tropes and fan content that I really remember engaging with, so it probably won't fit current trends in fandom. Thank you everyone who read this long author's note, and without further ado, though you have waited eight years already so what's a few extra words, here is chapter 12.

Disclaimer: Not Mine! Even Now! Thx

Ch. 12

Lily had moved, thankfully, by the time James popped his head in to check on her.

"This isn't happening, you know?" She demanded. "It's just not true. I'm going to write Petunia… and then… and then everything will be fine. Because this isn't happening."

She paced around the room intensely, the lacing down the back of her costume undone, though she had made no move to take it off and get changed into James' old quidditch jersey Missy had brought out for her.

"Hey, here have you had some water?" He asked, pouring her a glass from the bedside tray that someone had brought her.

"Water?" She asked, unable to really process what he was asking her. "Oh. Right. No." She took the glass he held out gratefully, though her hands were shaking and she spilled a bit on the carpet. "Thank you. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Evans." He watched her walk around the room a few more times before she sat down on the foot of the guest bed. Hard. He was still standing stiffly, unsure of what to do with his hands. What he really wanted to do was reach over and hold her tight, try to take some of her pain away, but he knew she would hate that. He ran his hand through his hair nervously and tried to think of something helpful to do like Remus had done with the tea.

"What am I even doing here, Potter? I… we were never even friends. Why am I…"

"The Manor is safe. Ancient magic protects it. Same charms that protect Hogwarts. I thought it might be safer than your place." He spoke evenly, pretending that he hadn't been sobbing on the grounds a few moments ago.

"I need to be home! My things are there, and I didn't bring a toothbrush or make up remover or my shampoo—" she stopped speaking, stared at him in horror and whispered, "Did we leave their bodies where they lay?"

"Dumbledore took care of them. Took them to the muggle funeral home in your area."

She whimpered softly. "Oh God. James. How do I explain this to the Reverend? I don't know how to make funeral arrangements."

The way she said his first name made James's heart pound against his ribs. It was just a quiet, broken whisper, a desperate plea for him to make her feel better. It killed him how much he couldn't.

"Leave that with me and Dumbledore, alright? We will take care of everything. Come on. Why don't you change out of your dance things? Missy brought you a change of clothes for now, and I'll put dinner together."

"My dance… oh. Right. Right. Yeah. Where's the…"

"Right through there. Call for Missy if you need anything at all."

"Missy?"

"Our house elf."

Lily shrugged the spaghetti straps of her dress off her shoulders and walked into the bathroom, ready to wash the day off her skin.

She was numb as she let the hot shower pour over her for nearly an hour. She didn't want to leave the comfort and the warmth of the bathroom, even when her skin went red from the hot water. She felt disgusting, and dirty, and no matter how much she scrubbed herself, she couldn't feel clean. She couldn't get the grief off her body. It burrowed into her skin violently. Painfully.

Even when she dragged herself out of the shower and put on the clean clothes that Missy had laid out for her, the barbs of her grief still clung to her, and all she wanted to do was crawl into the bed and not face her friends and their concern. Instead she forced herself downstairs, where Potter was in the kitchen, cooking up a feast. Remus was clearing away the tea cups he had brought out but he stopped when he saw Lily come down the stairs.

"Lil," he said, hugging her tight. He was one of the few people who could understand her pain, the only other orphan in the group. "I am so sorry, Lily."

She clung onto him, unwilling to let go. "Remus… they're gone. All of them."

"I know. I know."

It was a long while till she let him go, just to be wrapped up in a giant hug from the three girls. James stuck his head out of the kitchen and called "Dinner time!"

There were only six of them for dinner, Peter and Alice had to go home to their worried families. Sirius and Remus were practically permanent fixtures of the Potter home. Mary and Marlene had sent messages home by the floo system and begged to stay the night with their friend. James left some dinner under a warming charm for his mum when she got home from her shift at St. Mungo's.

"Mum's going to be late tonight. The attack brought in a lot of patients," James said, serving the roast. He wasn't able to rip his eyes off of the girl of his dreams wearing his Puddlemere United Quidditich Jersey. It should have been a dream come true, but instead he felt like he was trapped in a waking nightmare.

"Anyone we know?" Sirius asked.

"It's too soon to know," James sighed, about to take a bite.

"Wait!"

"Evans?" James froze.

"We should say grace," she said, surprising even herself. She had never been particularly religious, and even less so after getting into Hogwarts, but her mother had been a devout catholic. At home, no meal was eaten without giving thanks. She didn't really care about giving thanks to God, but she wanted to feel like she was at home again.

"Grace?" Sirius asked.

"Muggle thing," Remus explained. "A way to give thanks to god for the food."

"God?" James asked.

"I'll explain later. Join hands," Remus instructed. "Lily, if you will."

Lily bowed her head and said the words her mother had said before every family meal they had together for seventeen years, choking up every now and then until she couldn't speak at all. Remus had to take over for her.

"Through Christ our Lord, Amen."

"Amen." She whispered.

Marlene squeezed her hand and Mary rubbed Lily's back. "We're here for you Lil. Whatever you need." Mary promised.