Disclaimer: Rowan is tired and can think of no clever way to say this. So: Rowan does not own FMA. She did not write it, she did not create it.

AC (Author's Claim): The OCs in this chapter belongs to me, got it? Julie Hakuro, Caleb Wells, Rosette, and the Julie-clone are my characters! Yay, some things here are totally and completely mine!

Note: Okay, I've only seen up to about Episode 41, so naturally, I have no clue how the show ends- so DON'T spoil the show, okay? Thank you in advance, it is much appreciated. For my story's timeline, when Ed was 16 and Al 15, they managed to get Al's body back. Chapter titles taken from the ending theme song "Kesenai Tsumi" (you FMA fans should be familiar with that, ne?)

Darling

Chapter Three- Shinji ikiteyuku

"I'm back!" Edward loudly declared as he entered the office. "So, Sheska, what d'you have for me this time?"

Mountains of paper surrounded the woman, who, when she tried to see Ed, could not see over the stacks far enough down to see the young man. "Edward?" she asked.

Ed walked around to the side of the desk. "Who else?" he said with a grin. "How's it going?" He nodded at the paper in front of her.

Sheska slumped over her desk. "Soo slow," she moaned. "I hate fires."

Ed approached the paper on her desk and began to look through them. "Did you finish all this in the past week?" he asked. She nodded heavily. "Wow." Ed grinned. "You truly are incredible, Sheska."

Edward had been in Central for three weeks now. Sometime during that first week, a part of the main Central Library had caught fire. Luckily, the fire did not spread throughout the building, though the library lost a wall and a shelf (or ten) of books before the fire was quelled. It was in a section of the library open to the public, so nothing of too much significance was lost. However, the military decided to take some precautions in the future (this being the second fire within the past ten years) and ordered all rare books to be copied and put in a fire-proof vault, in case of emergencies (Edward was the one who suggested this. He still remembered the panic he felt when he realized Dr. Marcoh's research notes were consumed by a fire years before. It was only luck that let him read it.) It was a tedious task, but Sheska, who loved books, was very eager to help. Sheska was given a stack of books and research notes to read- the books were so rare that they were not allowed out of the library- and then she had to copy the books out and give them to Colonel Mustang, who was overseeing the project. Sheska eagerly devoured the books, but the writing them out was much harder and took up a lot of time. She managed to copy them in three days if she worked fast, but most usually took five or six days.

This week was easier, as the books she had copied were mostly text (many of the books contained illustrations of arrays and such, and those took longer to copy out) and she had, in fact, managed to complete three books in one week. Edward shook his head in amazement as he lifted the manuscripts up in his arms.

Oh, yes, Edward was Mustang's errand boy. Edward called himself the official transporter of rare documents; Roy came up with the errand boy title. Needless to say (but I will anyway) Edward did not like that. But he made the most of it. At least it was something to do besides stay at Al's all day.

Three weeks, and Edward was still living in Alphonse's home. He knew it was wrong, and his heart hurt every time he saw them kiss, or hold hands, or even smile, but something like morbid curiosity compelled him to stay. Like if he could find it, some way to break them apart. But all he saw was their attraction grow.

Maybe he was a masochist. Maybe he felt closer to what he could never have, watching them share the kisses he so desired, watching the sparks he wished he felt. Watching them fall in love, imagining it was him and not Julie staring into Al's eyes, haunting him, taunting him, loving him.

Maybe he needed a life.

"Edward?" Sheska said.

Ed glanced up. "Huh?" He had zoned out again.

"Um, how are things?" she asked.

Ed grinned. "Oh, just fine. Why do you ask?"

"Oh!" Her eyes grew wide. "N-no reason! You looked a little out of it just now, so I thought there might be something wrong."

Ed shook his head and tried to wave away her anxiety. "Oh, no, I was just thinking over some research I'm doing right now. That's all."

Sheska nodded. "Oh, okay. Well, see you next week Edward?"

"Yeah. Don't work your hand off!" Ed dropped the books in a crate. "See you, Sheska."

That night at dinner, Alphonse finally asked Edward the question he had dreaded to ever hear.

"Brother, when will you get yourself a girlfriend?"

Ed nearly choked on his spaghetti. "Ex-excuse me?" he gasped once he swallowed the pasta.

Al smiled at him. "I'm worried about you, brother. You don't date, and you've never shown any interest in a girl. Do you want to have a girlfriend?"

Ed shrugged. "Not really," he said honestly. "I've been too busy." It was true; girls never interested him, not even Winry, though he always wished something would happen there.

Actually, Edward had once thought he loved Winry, back when Alphonse was still a suit of armor. But they were both hot-headed, and one day would end up killing each other. The reason Edward felt what he thought was love for her was because of what she represented to him. Innocence. Naivety. And a time when Alphonse had a body, when he was a whole. She reminded him of the past, when he was happiest. But like their house, she would be going back for him. So it could never be. Don't forget 3.Oct.11. In a sense, loving Winry would be a form of forgetting.

However, the real reason Ed had no time for girls was he was too busy pining for his brother. Well, time is time, and Ed's was spent on Al. That was just the way things were.

"Too busy?" Julie giggled. "Who could be too busy for love?" She looked towards Al, as though to tell him something.

Al, however, did not seem to understand that look; at the very least, Julie was not happy with his interpretation. "Julie's right, Edward! I mean, look at Colonel Mustang! He has plenty of time to date dozens of women and at the same time, he is an excellent officer."

Ed frowned. "He's only that good because he has Hawkeye to make sure he finishes his work. And if you look at her, she's never had time for a boyfriend. And unlike Mustang, Al, I am not a womanizer."

Alphonse sighed. "Sometimes I wish you were more like him, brother. I worry that you'll end up alone, brother." He smiled sweetly at Ed. "I want you to find love, brother, someone who will appreciate you and take care of you. I can't take care of you forever, Ed."

"Oh, I get it," Ed said, placing his fork down and staring across the table at his brother. "You want to get rid of me, Alphonse? I apologize for being such a burden to you. If you want me to leave, just tell me."

Al shook his hands anxiously. "Oh, no brother! That's not what I mean at all. I mean in the future, if I get married. I mean, you wouldn't want to live in the same house as me then, would you?"

Ed felt his heart tearing inside his chest. Marriage. He had often thought of Alphonse getting married, and every time he did, his heart could barely stand it. The idea that Al would share his bed with someone for the rest of his life, or that he would have children with that woman...Ed imagined a house filled with children, Al's children, the children Edward would never be able to give. To anyone, much less Al. Because once Al settled down, if he were still single, then Ed knew he would never marry. If he did, it would be out of spite, and any children made from that union would be envy's children, and not Edward's own. The mother and her young would live inside an icebox, for Ed would love his nephews and nieces better than them, for they would be a part of Al, and he would always love Al. But his children would be a part of him, and Ed would hate himself for hating them.

"Alphonse, why are you so interested now?" Ed asked to change the subject.

"Oh!" Al cried, a smile spreading across his face. "Today in the mail there was a letter from Winry, announcing her engagement to..." Al pulled the letter out of his pocket. "...to Kenneth Morgan." Al looked up at Al. "Did you know about it?"

Ed nodded. "Yes, I was staying with them when Kenneth proposed."

"Brother, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Uh, it slipped my mind." Ed shoved a mouthful of spaghetti into his mouth to discourage the conversation.

"Oh." Al contemplated the letter for a moment, then passed it over to Julie. "Winry Rockbell is an old childhood friend of ours, as well as Edward's mechanic," he explained. "Edward, Winry's getting married, I have a steady relationship; you are the only one left."

Ed blinked at Alphonse, his eyes innocent enough to be believable. "And how do you plan to remedy that?" he asked, expecting no answer, but more that Al would quit.

It was not Al who replied. "Perhaps we should set Edward on a date, Alphonse. Since you want to see your brother date, that seems the logical explanation. And you know your brother well enough to know what kind of girl he would like."

Al turned to Julie's smug smile just as Ed turned his horrified eyes to her. "That's a brilliant idea, Julie!" Al said, just as Ed's stomach sank. Sometimes, but sometimes, his mouth said some pretty stupid things.

The first girl was shy, sweet, polite, and had brown hair. That was all Ed could differentiate between her and Julie. He still called her Julie in his head. What her real name was he never recalled. Julie's suggestion, no doubt.

The second girl was better: she was blonde, liked to work on cars (so, an automobile mechanic.) Al's choice, her name was Rosette. But she carried jumper cables in her back pockets, and Ed feared she would use them if ever provoked. She was scarier than Winry, and that was saying a lot.

After that, they began to blur together until Ed did not even bother to remember their names for more than five minutes. Al ruled the whole project a failure, declaring Edward hopeless, and bemoaning the fate of his doomed-forever bachelor brother. Julie insisted they not give up on Ed yet, though Ed saw through her forced concern. She must have felt that Al was concentrating too much on his brother and not on her, and if Ed got a girlfriend, then Al would return his attentions to her. Julie suggested a double date, that way she and Al could ensure that Edward got along with his date. Al agreed, and so Ed reluctantly joined them for dinner that evening to meet their final attempt to force him into a relationship.

To Edward's surprise, his date turned out to be Sheska. The bookwormish girl no longer wore a turtleneck, but instead a dark red v-neck shirt that looked surprising on her. She wore a little make up, and while Ed would never say she was pretty, at least she was normal. At least she might understand his awkward behavior. At least she would understand him.

Alphonse glanced at Ed when they first entered the restaurant and caught sight of Sheska. Expecting a look of delight, all he saw was Ed's initial surprise, and then, indifference. But maybe Edward was just hiding his feelings.

The evening started off rather one-sided, with Al and Julie talking quite loud to encourage conversation between the other two, even if it was an agreement that Al and Julie should just shut up. But neither seemed willing to talk. Sheska stared down at her mat, while Ed watched Al out of the corner of his eye.

At one point, while waiting for dinner to come, Julie stood and announced that she was going to the ladies' room. Al stood a moment after saying he was going too. And while Edward puzzled over Al's statement- now, did he mean he was going to the bathroom, or the ladies' room too- Sheska cleared her throat and said, "Hello, Edward."

Ed glanced up. "Um, hello Sheska," he replied, feeling silly.

She laughed nervously. "I did not expect to see you this evening."

"Neither did I," Ed admitted. Sheska smiled, but only warily.

"This is really awkward to admit, Ed, but..." Her eyes flickered up to meet Ed's, then fell down to her lap again. "Well, Edward, I don't really think of you this way."

"What, you mean romantically?" She nodded.

"Yes. I'm sorry, but you are my friend, and if I'm not attracted to you yet, I never will be." She scrunched her napkin in her hands. "Knowing that, do you want to continue this...date?"

Ed grinned and grabbed her right hand in his left. "You don't know how glad I am that you said that, because, truthfully Sheska, I don't think of you that way either."

Sheska glanced up, her eyes full of relief. "Really?" she said. "Thank god. So what about this date?"

Ed shrugged. "Oh, let's just humor Al and Julie for the rest of the evening. They think I'm a hopeless case and this is their last ditch effort to find me a girlfriend." Ed laughed at the expression on her face. "Besides, we have to eat, don't we?"

Sheska nodded again and Edward released her hand. Just then, Al and Julie returned to their seats, Julie's red hair mussed up and Al's face flushed pink. Ed tried to notice, but their lips were gently bruised, and Julie had to subtly adjust her skirt as she sat down.

"By the way," Ed said to distract himself. "Sheska, what are you working on now?"

Sheska, who also noticed the rather disheveled state the pair returned in, turned back to Ed. "Huh? Oh, what am I working on?" She smiled. "A very interesting log of...women!"

"Huh?"

Sheska bobbed her head up and down exuberantly. "Yes! Well, it seems they are so afraid of fire, they want every State Alchemist to create a copy of their research notes. Colonel Mustang was so busy he asked me to copy his for him. It's rather long too, about four hundred pages long, in about four or five journals cumulatively."

Edward smirked. "Hey, Sheska, when you have the time, do you think you could make a copy of it for me?" he asked.

"What for, Edward?" she asked.

Edward just grinned, but Al, who, so happy that they were talking, took it upon himself to hear what they were talking about. Disappointing, it was only work, but certainly interesting nonetheless. "Oh, Edward, don't even think about it!"

"Think about what, dear brother?" Edward asked innocently.

"You're going to try to break the Colonel's code, aren't you?"

Ed shrugged. "Only when I'm bored. And then I can use it against him, proving that I'm much smarter than him!"

Alphonse rolled his eyes, Ed continued to grin craftily, and Sheska thought that, indeed, she had saved herself just in time, before Julie and Al trapped her with Ed. Genius, but strange.

One afternoon not too long after that, Edward had delivered the manuscripts from Sheska and as he left Mustang's office, Havoc, Fury, and Breda were heading down for lunch and invited Edward to join them. Well, he had not really seen them in a while, at least not in a way that he could socialize, and while he did not do that often either, it was better than returning to Al's house. It was still not home to him; he doubted it ever would be. Anyway, he headed down to the mess hall with Havoc, Fury, and Breda, to eat and chat.

It was during lunch that the subject turned to gossip, and Edward finally turned to Havoc, whom he was sure knew all the rumors buzzing around headquarters, and Fury, whom he was sure would actually share them with Ed. "So, I understand there's a pool around based on when I'll lose my virginity," Ed said nonchalantly.

The reaction was immediate. Breda coughed and looked away, Fury turned bright red, and Havoc smirked around the cigarette in his mouth.

"You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Havoc shrugged, Breda stood with his tray in his hand, and Fury glanced down at the table with guilt.

Edward smirked and leaned forward towards Fury. "So, what's your bet, Sergeant?" he whispered.

"...twenty-five," Fury admitted, his face growing even more red with embarrassment.

Ed sat back. "You're very kind. The Colonel, I understand, has me pegged at thirty."

"Twenty-one," Havoc said, leaning into the conversation.

"Second Lieutenant?" Ed said, turning to him. "Is that your wager?"

Havoc smiled slyly. "Actually, my bet is within the month before you turn twenty-one."

"That's rather specific, don't you think?"

He chuckled. "Well. Anyway, Edward, you asked if there was a pool here? Well, there is, and nearly everyone you see in here is swimming in it."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "I understand I'm the topic of many rumors, Havoc. Care to share any others?"

Havoc smirked again though, stood, and left. Edward frowned. "What the hell-" he muttered under his breath.

"Um..." Fury said, looking up bashfully. "Edward?"

Edward turned to Fury. "Yes?"

Fury glanced away as he began to talk. "Um, well, there's a rumor that you no longer have...that is, that you are...um..."

"A eunuch?" Ed supplied. "Where'd that come from, anyway?"

Fury's face was beet red. "Well, from the 'equivalent exchange' principle. It's rumored that, in order to bring your brother's body back, you had to sacrifice, your, um..."

Ed stood up in a rage. "Hey! My brother is worth much more than my balls!"

All eyes in the mess hall turned to Edward, standing on the table above everyone. Ed sank back down, grateful once again to be sma-

"AARG!"

That evening, as Edward lay in bed, the moonlight washing over his face, he found sleep evasive. Try as he might, he could not fall asleep. Slipping out of bed, Ed pulled on his coat and tiptoed into the hall. He stopped at the sound of voices coming from the living room.

"Alphonse, I have been wondering. Who was your first love?" It was Julie. What was she doing here so late? "I know you have probably known lots of girls, but who was your first love?"

Alphonse laughed, but Edward heard a little bit of hesitancy in his brother's voice. "My first love? Promise not to laugh?" She promised fervently. "Well, my first love was Edward."

Ed and Julie gasped at the same moment; Ed in his head and Julie in his ear. "Your brother?"

Ed flattened himself against the wall, his heart thumping so loud he felt it resound across the world.

"It was right after my soul was put in that suit of armor. I watched my brother undergo the painful surgery of automail grafting for both his limbs. He pushed himself through the recovery, all for me, determined to correct everything." Ed could hear the soft smile on Al's face as he spoke. "It was such a shock. There I was, nothing but a suit of armor, but amazing that I was even that. My brother sacrificed his arm just to save my soul; at the risk of his own life, he saved mine. How could I not fall in love with that?"

"How long did that last?" Julie whispered.

"Not long. I think, when we reached Aquroya, that's when it ended for me. It was a silly, confused crush, but we were brothers, and anyway, it was kind of hopeless. After all, I was just a suit of armor. I doubted even brother could love me that much, looking like that."

Edward turned away at that moment, and walked towards the back of the house. There was a large garden back there, surrounded by a large stone wall. Pushing the back door open, Edward slipped outside, the plush, dewy grass soft against his pair feet.

He approached the wall slowly, contemplating it, then clapped his hands together and pushed them against the stone. A loud flash of blue sparks lit up the yard for a moment, then fizzled out. A large section of the stone wall was missing; in its place, a perfect replica of the suit of armor Edward used to call brother. Lifting the helmet up, Edward slipped inside and curled into a ball.

The metal replica was cold, but cozy. Edward traced his hand along the back of the armor, resting his fingers at the spot where a soul was once attached. Bringing his left hand to his mouth, Ed bit on his finger until he drew blood, then brought the bloody finger back to the spot, tracing the old array. He smiled, then closed his eyes. Within minutes, Edward was fast asleep.

The next morning, Edward woke up shivering. Glancing around, for a moment he forgot where he was, but then he saw the array of his blood on the metal and remembered. Slipping out of the metal, he clapped his hands together and transmuted the replica back into a stone wall. Then he walked into the house.

Chatter floated from the kitchen down the hall. Laughter and Ed's stomach twisted. Had his worst fears finally come to fruition?

Ed shuffled into the kitchen, where Julie sat at the table talking to Alphonse at the stove. Al wore only a pair of pajama bottoms; Julie wore the matching top. Ed's blood turned cold in his veins, and since neither of them had seen him, he rushed back to his room and flung himself onto his bed.

So. Julie had stayed the night. And if Ed had slept indoors (or rather, waited hours and hours for sleep to find him) he would have heard the whole thing, every little moan, scream, groan...still, his imagination could provide him with enough. His imagination supplied him with too much.

They must have slept together. That was the only explanation, no matter how Ed looked at it. There were only two bedrooms in the house, and since neither knew he slept outside last night, Julie must have slept in Al's bed.

It was too much, too much, Ed told himself. Too much torture staying in this house.

Outside, a car horn sounded. It was Falman, who for the past month had given Edward a lift to military headquarters. Edward stood, changed quickly, then glanced into the mirror. His eyes had a haunted look; his face was paler than usual. In short, he looked horrible. But then he set his eyes, as though reaching an agreement with his reflection.

He would have to move out, that evening. He could no longer live here without dying.

Edward came out late that evening, when the street lights were all out, as were the ones in the house. The front door was unlocked, so his absence must have been noticed. Slipping inside, Ed crept down the hall to his room, pulled the suitcase out from under his bed, opened his closet and flung the few clothes in there on top it.

And that's when he heard it.

Moaning, coming through the wall, from Al's room. The headboard of Al's bed knocked against the wall.

Ed stiffened, his hands clenched in a red cloak, his eyes staring blankly ahead of him. His imagination went wild with jealousy, filling his head with images of them, images of something he could only imagine. A loud cry from Julie, a scream proclaiming Alphonse a god, broke him from his frozen shock. Ed shoved the rest of his clothes into his bag, then rushed out of the house, leaving his key on the counter on his way out. He jumped into the taxi waiting at the curb for him and directed him to a hotel, where Ed had rented a room for the night. Then he closed his mouth and shut his eyes, trying desperately to hold back the cry building up inside his broken heart.

Fifteen minutes later, the taxi pulled up to a hotel, the lights still on below in the bar. Ed crawled out, paid the man his fare, then hesitantly entered the building. No one took notice of him as he climbed up the stairs and into his room. Dropping his suitcase at the door, Ed fell face first on the bed, the course cover rubbing against his moist cheek. Below, Edward heard laughter, boisterous conversation of people much happier than him, people intoxicated with life and liquor. But inside Ed's head, all he could hear was Alphonse, imagining his brother whispering in Julie's ear, telling her how much he loved her. Now the tears flowed easily, and Ed buried his face in the pillow to smother his sobs.

After a while, the tears stopped, and Ed sat up. The debauchery from the bar below permeated his depressed mind and brought a thought to him, that perhaps it would be better to go down there and pretend he was happy. Join in the revelry and maybe, if they believed him, he would too. Maybe it was time to move on. Maybe it had been time for a long time.

Ed stood up from his bed and slipped out of his red coat, dropping it to the floor. He pulled on his black jacket and left the room, closing the door behind him and climbing down the stairs. Ed emerged from the dark corridor into the cheerful yellow light of the room below. Faces red with drink and love smiled all around him. Ed felt strangely out of place, but even as his heart clenched with unease, he made his way into the room and over to an empty table.

Edward gazed around the room, at all the bright, happy faces around him, and it reminded him of that time up at that coal-mining town. He remembered Al's kindness, how he brought Ed his dinner, so he would not starve.

"Excuse me sir?" A woman bent over him, placing a pint of beer on the table. "Compliments of the gentleman in the corner," she said.

Ed looked at the glass of pale drink, up toward the man in the corner, who, when he saw Ed's eyes on him, tipped his hat in his direction. Edward blushed, then studied this stranger. He was blonde, handsome, and the hand he tipped his hat with was metal. Ed was intrigued, stood from his table, and approached the man in the corner.

The man smiled once Ed stood above him. "Hello, Edward Elric," he said. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

Edward frowned and crossed his arms. "You're not from around here," he said, nodding at the man's automail arm.

"Well," the man said, "this is an inn. I'm from Rush Valley. My name is Caleb Wells."

Ed nodded. "So, what's with the free beer?" he asked.

"You looked like you could use it," he replied, smirking.

Ed contemplated him for a moment more, then bent over him and whispered, "Why to come up to my room?" Caleb sat back and grinned.

"Sure."

Edward led him up to his room, wondering what he was doing. He wondered what he could be thinking, even as Caleb took off his clothes. He wondered what was going on, even when the lights went out. And even as he cried out in release, he wondered how he could betray Al like this. He swore to himself, only Al would do this.

Even though, the entire time, he imagined that it was.

Chapter Three- And with it, I will go on living.

So, first things first. References to the anime/manga (which means spoilers, if you didn't get the allusions, and want to understand, read on.) "Don't forget 3.Oct.11" is the message that Ed carved into the lid of his pocket watch, to remind him that he cannot turn back, but must keep moving forward. Mustang's log of research notes are in code, like most alchemists do (Dr. Marcoh's was a recipe book, Edward keeps his in a travelogue, and Roy uses women's names as code. Volume 3 of the manga, I think.) The part in the mess hall after Ed's loud proclamation on Al's worth, where he is very grateful to be sma- AARG is in reference to when Ed and Al were investigating Lab 5 and Ed nearly thinks how happy he is to be small, otherwise he would never be able to crawl through the ventilation system into the building. The he realizes he almost called himself "small."

My favorite thing in here was Rosette, the automobile mechanic! Ah, the jumper cables...ahaha...well. I am sure you all want Julie to die now, ne? Shout out loud if you do! I hope you enjoyed this chapter despite the fact that Al is sleeping with Julie and Ed just lost his virginity to a stranger. Mwahaha, this was a very fun chapter to write. I am looking forward to writing Chapter 4 for next week! Until then- Rowan