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She Will Be Loved

Chapter 8: Realizations

By Love Ink

Juice sat at Angela's desk, idly going through one of her sketchbooks he'd found on her desk. He had a feeling she'd kill him if she found out he was snooping through her stuff, but he was bored, and she wasn't there, so he snooped away. He'd seen her art before in New York, but it was mostly anatomical parts for her notes. Not the designs and sketches he found withing the pages of the sketchbooks. Most of it looked like the typical tattoo art. A lot of tribal shit. He could tell she was trying to mimic the way Happy drew tattoos and realized why when he got to a tribal scorpion design that looked exactly like the one Kozik had on his arm. Clearly, she'd been designing tattoos for Koz. Turning the page, he got to a larger one of what only could be described as a lightning bolt. It was bold and big with bending and curling lines; a great tattoo for a bigger area.

His thoughts went back to his own image. Since he'd shaved his head into a mohawk, the Sons had been treating him a little better. Asking him for more help with shit. Actually acknowledging his presence. He was so close to having them ask him to prospect, he could taste it. He just needed something extra, something that would show he was a badass. His mind went to Hap, thinking about the tattoos visible on almost every inch of his body. Everyone respected Happy. When he walked into a room, every single person in it sat up a little straighter, the hint of fear in their eyes. Juice wondered if getting more ink in a tougher place might make the Sons take notice. See him as less of an idiot and more of a warrior.

He grabbed his little black burner, pulling out a little paper with phone numbers from his wallet. Dialing Kozik's number, he held his breath as he listened to the other line ring. He wondered if he was about to make a huge, permanent mistake.

"Yeah?" Kozik's voice came over the phone.

"Hey, its Juice. You with Hap?"

"Yeah. What happened? Did you fuck somethin' up?"

He cringed a bit at the assumption. "Nah, I was wondering if he had time to maybe...do some ink."

"Yo Hap! Idiot wants some ink! Think you could fit him in?" he called out. He heard Hap shout something back, but he couldn't quite make out what it was. Kozik chuckled roughly into the phone. "All right, Juicer. Come to the clubhouse. Better be good."

Kozik was waiting for him outside the clubhouse when he pulled into the compound. His heart was racing, stomach churning just a bit. He'd gotten tattoos before. A Sanskrit saying under his peck, Chinese symbols on his inner arm, a Latin phrase on his other arm. He had a big one on his arm of a Japanese mask with different types of heavy metal music tattooed on scrolls around it. It was a stupid tattoo he'd gotten on a dare. Angela had laughed for a long time the first time she'd seen it, which had been fine by him; he loved making her laugh.

Kozik stood from the table, a big grin on his face. "You ready for this, Mohawk man?"

He nodded slowly, digging his hands into his pants pockets as he did; he didn't want Kozik to see them shaking. "Think so," he said, following Koz into the clubhouse.

The SAMCRO clubhouse never failed to make his skin crawl with the need to clean. Empty bottles and cigarette butts littered the floor and the ashtrays around the bar area. He knew Gemma attempted to have the Croweaters keep it clean, but it never stayed clean for long. The floor was slightly sticky, making his boots squelch against the ground as he walked. Despite its dirtiness, Juice had to admit he loved being in there. The fact they allowed him to be there meant they somewhat trusted him. True, he'd never been allowed to go past the double doors that led to their "chapel", but that would come in good time, he was sure of it.

Kozik gestured to a table in the back corner where Happy was sitting with his tattoo gear laid out in front of him. Happy looked up from the tattoo machine he was putting together and smirked at them. "What d'ya want?" he asked, snapping a pair of black latex gloves on.

Juice swallowed hard, grabbing the piece of paper he'd ripped out of Angela's sketchbook out of his pocket and carefully unfolding it with shaking hands. "Thought we could do this design."

Kozik whistled appreciatively. "That's a cool one. The kid draw that?"

"I um...was lookin' through her sketchbooks and saw it," he explained handing it over to Happy, hating the way the paper shook as he did so.

Happy raised an eyebrow at the shakiness but didn't say anything about it. He nodded in approval as his dark eyes went over the sketch. "Where do you want it?"

"I um...don't really know," he answered, scratching at the back of his neck. "Somewhere visible, I guess."

Kozik grinned, a mischievous look in his eyes. "What about that big dome of yours?"

"That'd be sick," Hap agreed with a wicked smirk.

Juice's eyes widened as he looked between Hap and Koz. "M-my head?"

"Yeah. Do it on either side of the mohawk. If you don't like it, you just grow your hair," Kozik explained on a shrug. "It'll hide it."

"Eventually," Hap added on darkly. He set a large hand on the top of Juice's head, using his hold to move it this way and that, his dark eyes scrutinizing the area. "It'll be perfect."

Koz nodded encouragingly. "It'll look sick, dude."

Juice looked between the two, feeling their excitement. He considered the design and wondered if it was worth it. Head tattoos were a big decision. Hapy and Koz both looked pretty stoked about it though, and Juice desperately wanted their acceptance. If getting tattoos on his head put him in their good graces, he could swing it. It might help the other guys notice him more too. Make him look tough like Hap. Plus, Kozik was right, if he ended up hating the tattoos, he could always grow his hair out to hide them. Swallowing hard, he nodded. "Y-yeah, let's do it."

"Atta boy!" Kozik exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

Happy smiled too, his smile just a more sinister. "Sit down."

Juice sucked in a quick breath and sat down in the seat he'd gestured to. "This gonna hurt?"

"Yep," Hap drawled, taking out a Sharpie and looking over the design. "Good lines on this one. Think I can curve it to fit with your big ass skull."

He grimaced in response, fighting the urge to flinch when Happy put the Sharpie to his scalp. "Can I get like a bottle of booze or like a pill or somethin'?"

"No liquor. Thins the blood. Don't need you fuckin' bleedin' everywhere."

"Don't be a pussy. You don't need that shit," Kozik teased, taking a nearby chair and turning it around so he could sit backwards on it. "Just grin and bear it. You want to hold my hand?"

Juice slapped away the hand he offered, scowling at him. "I'm fine."

"Sit still," Happy instructed, getting comfortable on his chair as he leaned forward, tattoo machine at the ready. "This is gonna be one long ass night."

Angela grinned to herself as she crossed another day off of on the calendar hanging in Raj's kitchen. Next week, she and Raj would be off to Oakland for Christmas for two weeks. She couldn't wait. She'd been slowly making plans to take him on a whirlwind tour all around Northern California. The front door opened, and she could help but smile as Raj came in with a gigantic, excited smile on his face. "You'll never believe what's happened!" he exclaimed, catching her around the waist and pulling her in for a long kiss.

She laughed, framing his face with her hands and kissing him again. "What?"

"I got chosen to assist the firm as a junior for that case I was telling you about!" he told her, his dark eyes sparkling. "I haven't even been accepted to law school yet, and they're going to let me help with research!"

Angela grinned back at him, feeling just as excited. "That's fantastic, Raj! Congrats!" she said, laughing as he picked her up and spun her around. "When does it start?"

"Next week," he breathed, setting her down at her feet. "I have to get a new suit and maybe...maybe a new briefcase. Fancy one. Leather."

She felt her heart sink as she took a step away from him. "Next week?" she asked her smile fading.

"Yeah. Just before Christmas. I have so much to prepare for," he said, raking his hands through his hair. He caught her gaze for a second, his brows furrowing in concern. "What? What's wrong?"

Angela twisted her ring around her finger a bit. "Our trip is next week, remember? We've had the tickets for months."

Raj cursed under his breath, his own smile fading. "Babe..."

"No. No, we are not cancelling again," she said, stepping away from him as he stepped towards her. "Those tickets were fucking expensive!"

"I know. I got insurance on them, though! We can easily change the dates! We can go for your birthday when its nice and sunny over there, right? The weather's not great there right now, anyway!"

"It's not great here! Its fucking snowing outside!" she replied, her voice a little louder than she wanted it to be. "I've spent the last three Christmases here with you and your family, and while they are great, I wanted you to meet my family! You promised me it would happen this time! That you wouldn't flake out!"

Raj's body tensed, his shoulders squaring up as he puffed out his chest a bit. "Flake out? I am not flaking out! It's not like I don't want to go! This is a big opportunity for me, Angela! I'd be remiss if I passed it up!" he exclaimed, gesturing with his hands. "I'm doing this for us! For our future!"

"There's not going to be any future if my family hates you!" she shouted back angrily. "And they will if you keep cancelling this trip!"

"Are you giving me an ultimatum? My career or you?"

Angela's answer stuck in her throat. She knew which one he'd pick, and she wasn't ready to lose him just yet. He was all she had left in New York. "No, 'course not! I'm just..." she paused for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. "I'm just tired of this shit! The cancelling and the studying! It's always something with you!"

"Angela, be reasonable!"

"I have been!"

"I beg to differ! Lately, all you do is badger me to forgo my studies and go out!"

Angela scowled at him, anger bubbling through her veins. "Badger you? Are you fucking serious? If it weren't for me, you'd be some hermit stuck inside for days on end! And for what?"

"A fucking career, Angela!" he shouted back.

"Fuck your career! What kind of life is that to live?" She shook her head at him, taking a deep breath. "I'm working towards a career, and I can still make time for you!"

"Oh yeah, undertaker. Some career that is!"

His words stabbed at her heart so painfully, she pressed her hand to her chest as if he'd actually wounded her. "Fuck you, Raj. You know how hard I've been working at this," she ground out, so mad she felt like crying. She went for the door, desperately needing to get away.

"Ang, wait," he said, grabbing for her arm. "I didn't mean it."

She pulled away from him with a scowl. "Don't fucking touch me," she growled, opening the door. Without looking at him, she stepped out of it and slammed the door behind her. She could hear him calling after her, but she ignored it, climbing up the stairs to her own apartment. It took her a minute to make sure all of the padlocks were locked so Raj couldn't get in. Slowly, she walked to her room, her finger trailing against the hallway wall as she did so. Surprisingly, she didn't feel angry. Just...disappointed.

Taking a deep breath, she headed towards her closet and slowly got dressed in her warm winter clothes. The multiple layers of clothing only served to make her miss home even more. She missed the California weather. Missed being able to leave the house in a sweatshirt and jeans during the winter, none of this extra gloves and jackets and shit. She stepped outside into the cool, crisp air and took a deep breath as she looked down the street; she didn't know where to go. So she just started walking, finding herself drawn to the little diner down the street Juice had loved.

She sat down at their usual booth, hating how the other side was empty. The owner, an older lady who absolutely adored Juice, made her way over, the smallest smile on her face. "Ah, there's one half of my favorite duo," Mrs. Zelman said with a warm smile. "Where's the boychick?"

"Just me today, Mrs. Z," she answered on a frown as she played with the salt shaker. "Juice is...he left. Had to move away like a month or so ago."

Mrs. Zelman clucked her tongue, shaking her head as she put her hands on her hips. "He got in trouble, didn't he?"

Angela hated the lump that formed in her throat as she nodded. "Yeah. He's safe where he is. Hopefully staying out of trouble."

She patted her shoulder lovingly. "I'm sure they will. That boy will be okay. He's bit of a putz, but he's always had chutzpah. He'll land on his feet. He always does."

"Just how long have you known him?"

"Since before he was 'Juice'," she answered with a wink. "His Ma used to work here the days she was sober, then his sister when she was old enough. He's a good boy, good heart."

Angela nodded in agreement, so many questions filling her head. She wanted to know more about Juice. Find out what he was like when he was young, know what his family was like. He'd talked about his sister many times, but she had yet to meet her; apparently, they'd had a falling out of some sort. "What's his sister like?"

"Just like him, but smarter. She put that big brain to good use and met a nice boy. One of those Italian types. Both of 'em are starting some kind of company," she explained, nodding to a group of customers who walked in. "I gotta stop with the schmoozin' and get with the workin'. You want the soup?"

"Yes, please."

"Comin' right up, my little bubbala."

The Yiddish word caught her attention, making her smirk. "Hey, Mrs. Z. What's Ikh hab dir lib mean?"

"Sounds like you're tryin' to say 'I love you'. Stick with the Spanish, sweetheart. Yiddish ain't your language," she teased as she walked away.

Angela felt like she couldn't breathe as she let what Mrs. Zelman said sink in. Juice had told her he loved her. Said it with that look in his eyes that told her he'd meant it in some way. Her heart skipped a beat, her cheeks warming as she relived the moment he left. She had thought Juice's feelings for her had disappeared long ago. They were friends. Had been for years. So why did he tell her he loved her? And why did he say it in a language he knew she wouldn't understand? If he meant he loved her as a friend, why didn't he just say it in English, so she could say it back? Did he mean he loved her as more than a friend? No, it couldn't be. He was just messing with her. Giving her something to remember him by. Something he knew would bug her until she figured it out. He couldn't love her like that. Could he?

And if he did, did she love him back? Lino had certainly thought she did, and he'd only seen a picture of them. She thought about that picture, feeling butterflies form in her stomach. She always felt happier when she was with Juice, lighter somehow. Maybe there was something else there. Shaking her head, she stopped herself from going down that path. She was with Raj. She loved Raj. She didn't even want to entertain the thought of having feelings for Juice. Still...that moment they'd shared before he left stuck with her. She'd really wanted to kiss him then. Had felt drawn to his lips, curious about the way he tasted. Just thinking about it made her feel hot all over. But he was gone. Even if she wanted to be with him, it wouldn't work. She had to finish her degree, and he was clear across the country. By the time she got home, he might have a new girl by his side. He may have forgotten all about her.

She shook her head, raking a hand through her hair. Even then, it didn't matter! She was with Raj! Where had those thoughts even come from? As angry as she was at Raj at the moment, it didn't mean she wanted to write him off completely! They'd had a fight, but that didn't mean it was over, and it certainly didn't mean she should leave him for Juice! She didn't even know if Juice still liked her! Her mind was reeling with millions of different scenarios now. Staying with Raj in New York, going back to California to be with Juice. She closed her eyes, willing her brain to shut up. Her thoughts were overwhelming and scary; the opposite of what she was looking for when she'd left the house.

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and almost jumped out of her skin. Mrs. Zelman raised an eyebrow at her, carefully setting a big bowl of soup in front of her. "You okay, bubbalah?"

Angela wiped a hand over her face and managed a smile. "Yeah, fine. Just got a little too...in my head, I guess."

"Whatever it is. The soup will make you feel better," she told her, squeezing her shoulder softly. "It makes everyone feel better."

She nodded slowly, letting out a shaky breath. "Thanks, Mrs. Z."

She patted her shoulder once more before leaving her alone with her bowl of soup. Angela took one spoonful of the soup, but as amazing as it tasted, it did nothing to soothe her racing thoughts. Instead it reminded her of the cold nights she'd spent at the diner with Juice, fighting with him when he'd finish his own bowl of soup and try to steal pieces of the matzo ball in hers. She swirled the soup around with her spoon, her appetite suddenly gone.

Sighing, she grabbed her little cellphone out of her pocket. She flipped it open, her thumb hovering over the dial pad. Her instinct was to call Juice. Maybe talking to him would make her see how crazy she was. She could call him out on what he'd said to her, and maybe he'd laugh and tell her he was joking. Messing with her because he knew not knowing what he meant would drive her crazy. And it had. Now that she knew, it was driving her even crazier, though. What if it had all been a joke? Something he'd done to keep her from forgetting him. She had to admit it would hurt if he told her it was a joke, brushed it off like nothing.

As if making the decision for her, her phone rang. Raj's number flashed across the screen, and she let out a long breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in. "Hey."

"Angela, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said," he said, without giving her a greeting. "Not at all. I...I was angry and just saying stupid things. I know what a good career you're headed for. We did the numbers together, remember?"

Angela laughed sadly, remembering the night they'd stayed up together putting the numbers for both of their professions together and figuring out what kind of life they could live together in the future. "Yeah."

Raj sighed softly. "I love you, Angela," he murmured, his words filled with meaning. "I love you so much, and I'm sorry. I-I-I'll tell them I can't do it. We'll go to California for Christmas. It'll be...fantastic."

Guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders. As happy as she was to hear Raj wanted to forgo his internship for her, she knew it wasn't worth it. He was right, this opportunity was huge for him, and she shouldn't ruin it just because she was being stubborn. "Nah. We can hold off on it. California and my family will always be there, this opportunity won't be."

"Maybe we can just do half the trip? Go fast for Christmas and then come back? They have to give me time off for Christmas. It'll be like a compromise. Or...or you can go for the full time, and I'll meet you there for Christmas. We can try to stay through New Years and come back."

Angela smiled; that was the Raj she loved. "We'll go the two of us for Christmas," she agreed, feeling a little bit of weight slide off her shoulders. She didn't want to go without him anyway. It wasn't a smart move to go with all these doubts and feelings swirling around in her head.

"Where are you now?"

"At that little diner down the block. Having some Matzo ball soup."

"Yum. That sounds fantastic. Mind if I join you?"

"Do you have time for that?" she shot back, pettily.

He groaned, and she could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose. "I deserved that. And while I should study, I would much rather spend time with my girlfriend who I love very much. Did I say that already?"

Angela felt her heart warm at his words. "You may have mentioned it. You can come, I guess," she replied, eating another spoonful of soup. " 'm not sharing my soup, though."

"I'll be over in just a minute then. Love you."

Despite the fact he couldn't see her, she nodded slowly. "You too."

Chibs watched from his place at the bar as Happy tattooed the thick tribal lines on the young new mechanic's scalp. The tattoos had to hurt like a bitch, but to Juice's credit, the pain barely showed in his face, though his white knuckled fists and the tight set of his jaw did give it away somewhat. He took a sip of the whiskey in his cup, nodding to Juice as Bobby leaned against the bar next to him. "What do you make of Juicy-boy over there?" he asked the club's secretary.

"I like 'im," Bobby answered on a shrug. "Smart kid computer wise, not too bright anywhere else, but none of us are real geniuses. Learns quickly, seems loyal. Might be able to update us a bit since Jax and Ope know shit about computers and they're our youngest members."

"Aye. Tha's what I was thinkin'," Chibs replied, nodding slowly. He stroked a hand over his beard pensively. "Been helpin' him learn to box at Lumpy's. He ain't a bad fighter."

Bobby smirked in response lookin' from the kid to his brother. "You gonna sponsor him?"

"Thinkin' about it," he said with a nod. He looked over to where Clay and Piney were sitting at a table talking to Gemma and then back in the other corner where Jax and Opie were talking to some Croweaters. "We could use some more young blood 'round here. What do you think?"

"Better you than me," he replied, taking a long drag of his joint. "I don't got the patience anymore."

Chibs chuckled, shaking his head. "I'll ask Koz and Hap. See what they think. Know Juice and Hap's cousin are close. Don't want to step on any toes."

Bobby caught Kozik's attention and gestured him over, handing him a cold beer once he was close enough. "What do you think of him?"

"Who? Juicer?" Kozik asked, eyebrows raised. Juice hissed in pain as Hap went over a line again and the blonde smirked. "He's a good kid."

Chibs nodded in agreement. "Think he's prospect material?"

Kozik seemed to consider it for a moment, nervously pulling his sleeves over his hands. "Think so. Hap's cousin likes him, trusts him. Says he's loyal, knows how to keep his mouth shut. I trust her judgement."

"He's smitten with her ye know," Chibs put in on a smirk. "That gonna be a problem for Hap?"

He looked over at Happy and Juice for a second before shaking his head. "Nah. She's done worse. If anythin', it'll earn him brownie points with Hap if he's got a cut on. Plus, she's with someone now. Poor Juicer doesn't really got a chance."

"So we'll vote on gettin' him a prospect's cut," Bobby stated, signifying his own approval. "You want the sponsor job, Kozi?"

Kozik grimaced and shook his head. "No, thanks. I got a feelin' Hap's cousin isn't goin' to be too thrilled about him gettin' a cut. Don't want her to have my head for it."

"You think Hap will want to?"

Juice hissed in pain again which made Hap smack him. "Stop moving," the Tacoma killer growled through gritted teeth. "Idiot."

Kozik chuckled. "That's a hard no. Hap'll kill him. You up for it Chibbies? Think if Tig tried his hand at it, poor Juicer would end up dead or seriously fucked up in the head."

They all shared a laugh at that one before Chibs nodded. "I'll take 'im."

"I'll float the idea around. We'll give him a coupla days. Vote on it after Christmas," Bobby stated, stubbing out his joint in the ash tray. He chuckled as Juice whined again, only to have Hap tell him to shut the hell up none too kindly. Bobby smirked, nodding to Chibs. "Good fuckin' luck with that one."

A little bit of background on Juice's head tats just for kicks. 😉And there's some rough waters ahead for Angela. 😬

Let me know what you think!
💕

~Love Ink