Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own original characters and plot line...

She Will Be Loved

Chapter 12: Not Okay

By Love Ink

Juice's phone going off pulled him out of a deep sleep the next morning. He sat up, rubbing a hand over his face with a groan. Flipping open the phone, he put it to his ear. " 'lo?" he asked sleepily. It was almost nine in the morning, not too early, thankfully. Still, he knew Elena and Graciela would be sleeping. They always slept in on their days off; something Angela had inherited too.

"Idiot, get your ass to the clubhouse. Now," Happy barked before the line went dead.

"Good morning to you too," he muttered, closing the phone and laying back down with a sigh. Pressing his face into the pillow, he could smell the remnant of Angela's shampoo from when she'd slept there the day before. The scent was comforting and made him smile; it was nice to have her close again. With a grunt, he sat up again and slapped himself gently to wake himself up. He showered quickly before creeping out of the house, careful to avoid the creakier floorboards as he went.

He rode to the clubhouse as fast as he could, wondering what the hell they could possibly need him for at 9 AM on Christmas Day. His heart was in his throat with worry. Had he messed something up on the computer? Had the mob finally found him and contacted the Sons? Was he riding to his death? "Shit," he muttered as he pulled into SAMCRO compound; why hadn't he thought of that sooner?

His stomach churned as he hung up his helmet on his handlebars. The knife Angela had given him the night before slapped against his thigh as he walked towards the clubhouse. His only source of protection, without it, he'd be a sitting duck. It was just another way Angela was protecting him.

Kozik meandered out of the clubhouse, his pace slow as usual. "Come on, Juicer," he said, his face serious as he jerked his head back to the clubhouse. "Got some shit to talk to you about."

He swallowed hard, running a hand over his hair. "Right, right. I'm comin'." He followed Kozik into the clubhouse, pausing when he saw the doors to the chapel open with all the members sitting around the big redwood table inside. He looked from the doors to Koz. "What's going on?"

Kozik didn't say anything, just gestured for him to enter. He almost tripped over his boots as he walked by him. All of the guys sitting at the table turned to stare at him. Not a single one smiled. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, a cold sweat breaking out across his back. "H-hey guys," he stammered, nodding to them. "What's up?"

"Shut up!" Tig interjected with a glare.

Juice tensed up, shoving his hands deep into his pockets lest they see the way they were shaking. He nodded slowly, unsure of what else to do. The room was silent for a long time before Chibs pushed away from the table. The Scot made his way to a safe in the corner, his stride agonizingly slow. Juice held his breath, his stomach churning as Chibs opened the safe. He turned and looked Juice over for a long moment, before the smallest hint of a smirk turned up the corners of his lips. Carefully, he lay a blank cut on the Redwood table. "Well, Juicy boy, 's been a few months since ye joined us," Chibs started, something else in his hand. "You're smart. Actually know your way around a computer. Think we could use you around here. Give us an edge we don't have. I propose we take you on as a prospect. My prospect."

Juice's heart rose up to his throat as he stared wide eyed around the table. Clay leaned back in his chair, looking him over slowly. "All right. Vote's gotta be unanimous," he stated before looking at Tig and nodding.

Tig nodded slowly. "I like 'im. Yay."

Kozik shrugged. "Kid's gonna kill me, but sure. Let's see what you got, Juicer."

"I don't give a shit," Piney stated on a gruff chuckle. "Sure. Could always use another body 'round the table."

Juice held his breath when it came to Happy. He knew Angela was staunchly against him earning that prospect's cut. Knew how much Hap respected her opinion and listened to her. If anyone was going to say 'no' to him getting that cut, it was him. It took Happy a moment before he nodded slowly. "Yay."

He let out a breath of relief; he was the only one Juice had really been worried about. He nodded appreciatively at Hap, who ignored him. Bobby nodded slowly. "Think he's gonna be a big asset with the computer shit. I don't even know how to turn the damn thing on," he stated before looking to Jax.

"Think a hacker could help us out a lot. Get us intel on people 'fore we go jumpin' into things," Jax agreed on a smile. After a moment, his smile faded, and he grew serious. He nodded towards the cut and said, "Y'know, once you put that thing on, everything changes. Your blood family, your home town, all that shit moves back a row. Once you're patched, these members are your family. This charter is your home. That somethin' you want?"

A small voice in Juice's head told him Angela was part of the equation. He was going to have to put her back a row, but after his conversation the night before with Raj, he was starting to lose hope that he was ever going to have a chance with her anyway. She would stay in New York, and he would be alone in California…unless he put on that cut. Then he would have SAMCRO by his side. He wanted that. Needed to not be alone. He nodded exaggeratedly. "Yes. More than anything," he stated, hating how hoarse his voice sounded.

Clay looked around the table before his blue eyes settled on Juice. He puffed on his cigar for a moment, the smoke filling the air around him. After an agonizingly long moment, he nodded, a huge grin spreading across his face. "You're in then," Clay said, slamming down the gavel. "Welcome to the worst year a your life, prospect."

The rest of the guys banged on the table cheering and yelling out words of encouragement. Juice couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face as Chibs handed him the leather cut, patches, and a little sewing kit. The Scot slapped him on the shoulder, smiling proudly. "Ye know how to sew, prospect?"

Juice grinned and nodded, taking them from him. "Best Christmas present ever."

Chibs chuckled, slapping him on the back. "Get to it, then. Enjoy tonight because come tomorrow, yer going to be in a world of hurt, boy-o."

He laughed, though he knew Chibs wasn't kidding. Taking the cut from him, he sat at the bar and carefully laid the cut out before him. He looked down at the needle and thread, his thoughts drifting to his older sister. He hadn't talked to Jo in months. Not since he'd left New York. She'd taught him to sew when they were kids so they could both mend their old clothes and fix the holes in their socks. They rarely had money for new clothing, so Jo would do her best to mend everything until it couldn't be fixed again. He'd asked her to teach him so he could help her. She'd done so much for him growing up, helping her sew was the least he could do. He missed his sister now. For a moment, he contemplated calling her, then immediately decided against it. Jo had her own life. Her fantastic husband and great home. He didn't want to get in the middle of it. Didn't want to worry her with his drama. She'd already done so much for him; she didn't deserve it. Plus, he had a new family now and he had never been happier.

Except...he couldn't stop thinking about Angela. As excited as he was, the anger and disappointment in her eyes he'd seen when he'd talked about prospecting kept flashing through his head. He trailed his thumb over the soft leather of the cut, a sadness filling him; he had a feeling this was going to drive a wedge between him and Angela. He contemplated if it was worth it. If it was worth risking losing her for being a part of the SAMCRO family.

"You want to ride with us back to Lena's?" Koz asked, leaning against the bar next to him. "The kid's leavin' tonight, and we wanted to say 'bye' 'fore Gemma's dinner."

That caught his attention. He couldn't remember her saying she was leaving so soon! "She's leavin' already?" he asked in shock. He'd barely gotten to spend any time with her!

Kozik sighed and nodded. "Roy has to go back to work. We were lucky we got her the few days we did."

Juice let out a sad sigh, frowning at his patches for a moment. "She's gonna be so pissed."

"She'll get over it," he assured him on a shrug.

A flicker of hope filled him; not many people knew Angela as well as Koz did. If he thought she'd get over it, maybe she would. "You think?"

"Probably. You never know with her," he said with a shrug. "Does it matter, though? You gonna give up that cut for a friend?"

"No, 'course not," he muttered miserably. "Just wish she'd be happy for me. This is somethin' I want."

Kozik nodded in understanding. "If she really cares about you like we both know she does, she'll get over it," he assured him again before slapping him on the back. "Cheer up, buttercup. You should be happy about this. You worked hard for it. Don't stress about something that hasn't happened yet."

Juice nodded, letting out a relieved sigh. "Yeah, you're right."

"I know," he replied with a smirk. "Now finish sewing your patches, we gotta head out soon or we'll miss her."

"All right, all right. 'm almost done," he said, chuckling to himself. He finished off his sewing, tying the knot expertly and smiling proudly at his work. He still couldn't believe this was happening. That he was finally part of the SAMCRO family. He had finally found a home.

Angela was soaking up every moment she had left with Elena as they played Dominoes with Raj. She knew it could be a long time before she came back since Raj was always so busy with work and school, and she did not trust herself to go back alone. Still…maybe she could convince Raj to move out to California. Her stomach did a little flip at the idea of bringing up the subject with Raj. She hadn't ever mentioned she wanted to go back to home, and he had never asked. They'd both been fine living in their perfect little dream world where they'd get a happily ever after together in New York. She didn't know what she was thinking playing into his dreams of getting married, moving to upstate, getting a Brownstone. She'd agreed with him every time he brought it up. Told him how great their future sounded. Him as a lawyer, her as a funeral home owner. And it had sounded good...until her feelings for Juice hit her like a freight train, shattering the whole dream. Now, she was torn. As much as she loved Raj, she couldn't help but feel pulled back home. Just spending a few days there made her realize how much happier she was in Oakland with her family. She wished they could be there longer, wished Raj didn't have to go back so soon, and wished like hell she trusted herself to stay there without him. But she didn't. She'd already had too many close calls with Juice, and as much as she told herself she wasn't a cheater, there was something about Juice she just couldn't resist.

As if to emphasize her thoughts, the sound of Harleys filled the air, making her heart skip a beat. She could recognize Hap and Koz's bikes, and she assumed the third one was Juice's. When her Aunt had told her Juice had left early to Charming that morning, she'd thought she wasn't going to be able to see him before she went back to New York. Thankfully, she'd been wrong.

Raj raised an eyebrow as he set down his piece. "Sounds like the goodbye brigade is here," he teased with a grin.

Angela laughed, shaking her head at him while Elena beamed. "You thought they wouldn't come?" the older woman asked, clucking her tongue in distaste. "How little faith you have in your primo. He wouldn't have missed saying goodbye. He values his family too much." (Cousin)

"I don't know how I could ever doubt him," Angela replied, fighting the urge to roll her eyes; Elena thought her son walked on water. She couldn't stop smiling, though. Excited to see three of her favorite men before she went back to New York.

They walked through the door. All three of them laughing and joking with each other. She smiled along with them until they came into view. All feelings of happiness evaporated when she saw Juice in his brand new Propect's cut. She gritted her teeth together, hands balling into fists. "You gotta be fuckin' kidding me," she cursed, shaking her head at him before pushing away from the table and heading out the back door. She needed space, needed to breathe. How could he prospect? After everything he'd been through with the Ozone crew and the mob? Why would he still want to wear that damn cut? Did he have a damn death wish?

"Angel! Wait!" Juice chased after her, as she knew he would.

She heard the back door slam behind him and whipped around. "What the fuck are you thinking, Juice? Are you really that stupid? Prospecting with those...those...gangsters? Didn't you learn from what happened in New York?"

"Gangsters?" he parroted in confusion. "You're related to two of them! They're a club, a family! My family now! We talked about this yesterday, Angel. You knew it was gonna happen. Why can't you just be happy for me?"

"Because I was the one who had to clean you up the last time your so-called family tried to kill you! I was the one who helped you escape! Don't you remember that?" she shouted back, remembering the night he'd come to her bleeding and shaking with fear.

Juice shook his head slowly. "This is different. This is a club, a family."

"A club that does just as much shady shit as the mob, Juice. Don't be so fuckin' blind! You don't know half the shit they're in to!" she seethed. How many times had she had to listen to Kozik and Hap tell her gruesome, horrible stories about crimes they committed? How many times did she have to console Koz, keep him away from doing drugs just to forget some of the shit he'd seen?

"And you do?"

"Yes! I grew up with them!" she replied, gesturing to the back door where she could just make out the backs of Hap and Kozik's cuts. She had no doubt they were listening. Ready to intervene if they had to, and she hated them just a little for that.

Juice squared his shoulders, puffing out his chest just a little to look tougher. "I can handle whatever it is, Angel. I'm not some weak idiot! I can do this shit!"

"I didn't say you couldn't!" Frustration bubbled up inside of her; it wasn't that she didn't think he could do it. She knew he could. On the contrary, she was afraid the minute he started being included in the club shit, she'd lose her happy, goofy best friend. He wasn't cut out for that lifestyle. It would ruin everything she loved about him. "I don't want that life for you! You're better than that!"

"What did you think was going to happen when you sent me here, huh?" he repeated, looking just as frustrated. "Did you honestly think I would just work in the garage until I found something better? What was I gonna find, huh? I can't work anywhere that would put my name in any system, can't do anything that would put me on any type of grid! Not without protection! Protection that being a part of SAMCRO will give me!"

Angela hated how right he was, but she wasn't about to back down. "I thought you would be smarter than that! I don't want you to do this! It is going to destroy you!"

He blinked at her for a moment before scowling in offense. He took a step closer to her, so he was in her face, anger flashing through his dark eyes. "You don't get a say in what I do! You're not my girlfriend or my Old Lady!" he fumed, his tone lower and filled with fury. "You're just my best friend and friends should be there to support each other no matter what! If you can't do that then..."

"Then what?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. She pushed him away from her forcefully, her hands on his stupid cut. She hated how much she loved him. Hated how much she loved Raj too. How she didn't want to pick between the two. Hated how she knew giving into her feelings for Juice, telling him about them might be able to save him. Hated the fact that staying with Raj meant staying in New York. She hated how right Juice was. But most of all, hated knowing she was going to lose him. Angry tears pricked at the corner of her eyes and she pushed him again. "Then what, Juice? Huh? Finish that fucking sentence!"

"Then maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore," he finally managed to say. It looked as if the words physically pained him.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek and roughly brushed it away. "Fuck you, Juice," she ground out through clenched teeth. "Have a nice life with your new fuckin' family."

She went to walk away, but he grabbed a hold of her wrist pulling her back to face him. His eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and sadness. "Angel, I need this. I need a home, a family," he said as if he were pleading with her to understand. "I'm no good on my own! You know that! I got no one out here but them. And you? You've got your own fuckin' life with Raj on the other side of the country! And you're never comin' back, so I got nothing else, nowhere else to go!"

Angela nodded slowly, feeling utterly desolate. This was it. The end of everything. She swallowed at the lump in her throat. "Good. I'm glad you found them. I hope they make you happy," she said flatly.

"Angela?" Raj called out from the doorway behind her. "Everything okay out here?"

Angela pulled her wrist from Juice's grip, wiping at her face. "Fine!" she called over her shoulder, her eyes still on Juice.

"We gotta go, love. We'll miss our flight."

"I'll be right there! Give me a minute!" she shouted back, hating Raj just a little bit for interrupting. When she heard the door close again, she sighed and met Juice's gaze. "I gotta go."

"No," Juice said, his voice shaking just a bit. His eyes were glassy with tears as he reached for her hand. This time she was smart enough to move it away from his grasp. He grimaced as if the move had physically hurt him. "Angel...please..."

Angela shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know what else to say. I don't..." she rasped, another tear escaping her hold. "I think we need some space. Enjoy being a prospect or whatever. Enjoy your new family."

He grabbed her hand this time, squeezing it tightly in his own. "I don't want space, Angel. I don't want to lose you. I-I..."

Her breath caught in her throat. Was he going to say it? Those three little words he'd said in Yiddish before he left? Had he meant them? Did he still feel them? Her anger was forgotten as she waited for him to finish that sentence. God, if he told her he loved her now, her whole resolve would crumble. She would finish school early and come back for him. She wanted to come home. Wanted to be with him. Wanted to be with Raj. Wanted a new life. She was getting pulled in opposite directions. Her head felt too loud, heart too heavy. Her life was about to change, one way or the other, and she felt helpless to stop it.

Juice faltered for a moment, his fingers brushing a stray hair from her face. Electricity crackled between them, igniting her every nerve. Her head quieted, and all she could see were his light brown eyes as they studied her face. His tongue passed over his lips, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. "Angel, please, you're my best friend. I need you. Don't...don't give up on me."

Angela's heart sunk. Unbeknownst to Juice, he had made her decision for her. She'd go back to New York with Raj. Juice would prospect with SAMCRO. Everything was about to change, and it hurt her like a stab to the chest. She nodded slowly, giving him the best smile she could muster. "Okay. I gotta...I gotta go now."

"You'll call?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

She shrugged a shoulder. "Sure," she lied, squeezing his hand. She smiled again, wiping at her eyes. The sad reality of it all hit her hard, and she realized exactly why she didn't want him to prospect. It wasn't just because of the danger or because it would change him, it was because he wouldn't have time for her anymore. He wouldn't even have time to think about her, let alone call her. He wouldn't have time for her...just like Raj. She let out a sad laugh at the irony of it all. "You're going to be busy anyway. You won't have time to talk to me."

He swiped a tear off her cheek. "Angel, I will always make time for you. I promise."

Angela nodded quickly as she sniffled. "If you say so," she said doubtfully. How many times had she heard that from Raj before? She stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Good luck, prospect. Don't get yourself killed."

With that, she turned her back on him and walked away, wiping at her face as she did so. She gathered herself together in front of the back door, taking in a deep breath, and walking in without turning to look back at him. Everything else seemed to happen in fast forward. She went through the motions of say goodbye to her Ma and Aunt, to Kozik and Hap. If Juice walked back in, she didn't see him. Before she knew it, she was on the airplane with Raj's hand in her own, holding on tightly while the plane took off. She couldn't stop the tears from falling as she watched Oakland get smaller and smaller.

Raj squeezed her hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing her knuckles. "Don't be sad, love. We'll come visit soon. I promise. Everything is going to be okay."

"Okay," she breathed, nodding for his sake. She leaned over and kissed his cheek before settling back down in her seat. Deep down in her heart she knew he was wrong. Nothing was going to be okay. Everything was changing, and she felt like she was being torn apart by all the doubts in her head. She had to figure things out before her own thoughts ate her alive.

Not the happiest chapter in the world. Angela has some big emotions and is stubborn as hell and a bit selfish as well. Do keep in mind, she's a lot younger than she is in the other story, so she's a bit more immature. ;)

I did want to ask, for future planning purposes, would you readers rather I took the story up to Season 1 of SOA or would you want me to continue writing and go through the seasons again? Bear in mind, it would not be the same as 'Hands All Over' as all the relationships will be very different. Its far in the future, but I just wanted to get a feel for what your thoughts are! ;)

~ Love Ink