Title: "From Mouth to Journal"
Words: 2541
Pairing: Mouth
Rating: PG
From Mouth to Journal
Marvin McFadden or as most people know him as Mouth, opened a black leather diary (or journal as he preferred to call it,) and started to write some of the most important journal entries of his life.
June 12th 2006
I don't understand why there are so many questions in life. Questions usually don't get answered until later in life or when it is not as important as it was in the past. There is always the question of 'why did God do this' or 'what did I do to deserve this?' To tell you the truth there is a reason why I am ranting on about questions and how no one answers them. I am having many of those questions now because last week my grandpa died. There is so many emotions going through me right now that I don't even know where to begin, but yet if I don't I think I could explode any moment. I will try anything to get this pain to go away, even if it means writing in a diary.
Usually I am a pretty open guy, but with this it is different. No one can say anything that will make it all go away. Most of the time no one knows what to say or all they can say is "Oh my God, I am so sorry." How is sorry going to make everything better? No one can bring him back. No one can change time just so I could tell him that I love him. So why even say anything?
They are just making it worse. Leave me alone to deal with it. My other favorite thing everyone says is "I am here for you if you need to talk." Why? So they can say nothing again. Supposedly silence will make it better. Yes, silence will make everything better.
I guess there are five steps in the grieving process. One thing I don't get though is how can doctors tell me what I am feeling. They cannot classify how everyone grieves. Everyone is different. Isn't that what the Catholic Church teaches us. The first thing that you learn in Sunday school is that you are a unique person and there is only one of you. Then how can they classify you in the in-crowd of over 6 billion people in the world? Jeez, I hate it when people tell me how I feel or how I am supposed to feel. They don't know me; therefore they should not be able to say anything about my feelings. Just to make a point I will have a theme each day I write in this journal. Everyday it wills a different step of the grieving process. I will see how accurate "they" are.
A day had passed and Mouth wasn't feeling any better, but he figured that it only could inspire him to write another journal entry.
June 13th 2006
Denial
This is supposedly the first step of the "process." I just want to get one thing out there; I am not in denial about my grandpa being gone. I know that he is dead. Sure, sometimes it does seem unreal. It was so fast and unexpected, but then again you are never expect news like that to come through your phone. One minute I was hanging out with my friends and all of the sudden, I got a phone call that changed my life. He was gone. At that time I was in denial. I didn't believe that he died. He couldn't have died is all I kept saying to myself. I just went and saw him at his home a couple of days ago. It was his birthday and I came over with a pizza and cake. We took pictures and he told stories of when he was little. He also told jokes. Some of his jokes were so corny, but we would still laugh together. They wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but we were both rolling on the floor laughing. He couldn't be gone was all I managed to play in my head. There is still so much that I needed to say to him.
Him being gone is saying that there will be no more stories or jokes or that I can't visit him once a week. Yes, he was sick and I realize that, but he just left with no warning. That's why he can't be dead. He just went on a trip. He will be right back because I cannot see life without him. Now that I read this, it may seem that I am in denial, but I know that he is gone. Which makes the situation totally different, by the way. Without him my life is incomplete. Oh my God, I just sounded like a Backstreet Boys song. So I choose not to accept that he is really gone.
Okay, so I am in denial. Is that what you want me to say? It doesn't change anything. It does not change the way I feel. What did I achieve by admitting that I am in denial? Nothing. Maybe because I admitted that I am in denial, grandpa will come back. No, he won't. The only that I achieved by admitting that I am in denial is now I can move onto the next step. Great, just what I want, to feel another goddamn emotion. That emotion will be anger.
Mouth lay on his bed thinking about his grandpa. What would he think of me now?
Before he got into any deeper thought he decided to take out his journal and write his thoughts on paper.
June 14th 2006
Anger
To answer the obvious question, yes I have felt anger towards my grandpa before, but how could I be mad at him? He is dead. I have never stayed mad at him for very long, but that doesn't mean that I haven't. There are so many reasons why I am angry. One is he never said goodbye to me. He never told me that he was leaving. He knew that he was going. He didn't prepare me for this. He broke promises that he said he would always keep. I made him promise that he would always be because without him I wouldn't have my buddy.
I do not only feel anger towards my grandpa, but also towards God. I prayed to god every night asking him to keep grandpa here because I need him. Why would God take something away from me that I need? I don't understand. Why would God take someone that was not ready to go? Yes, he achieved much throughout his life. I guess you can even say that he lived a full life, but he wasn't done with me yet. He still had so much to teach me, so many things to tell me. He still needs to give me many more hugs and I need to give him "grandpa kisses." Sure, I might sound like a girl, but when you lose someone you realize all of the things you don't have and appreciate them more. Somehow I guess I am not supposed to understand. Where the connection between God and humans is complicated and no one understands it. The reason why God takes people's lives is sometimes unknown. Which lets us put the blame on him. It is yet another sacrifice that God makes for us. Yet this does not answer our questions of fear and hate of death. We fear it because we do not know what comes next and we hate it because God takes away the safeness of having someone who loves you.
There is many "whys" in life. There are questions that have yet to be answered. Those types of questions not only get me frustrated, but also angered. I guess you haven't lived life until you have had those kinds of questions or you have lost someone close to you. It doesn't make losing someone okay or hurt any less.
The person that I am most angered at is myself. I keep blaming everyone else for his death. It's time to blame myself, but I guess I am getting ahead of myself because guilt is tomorrow's theme or step.
June 15th 2006
Guilt
I should have went that day. I should have gone/ I overslept that day. I ended up not visiting him. I should have. I was just so tired; I was up all night doing a paper. I know that it's not an excuse and even if it was, it wasn't a very good one. I thought that because I saw him for his birthday and then I saw him at the hospital I would just be able to call him and be done with it. That's not an excuse either. Maybe in that visit he would have said the things that I oh so desperately needed to hear after he died. He could've had the chance to give me warning and tell me to be good and that he loves me. There is too many 'what ifs' with this situation. We will never know what he would have said or done if I went and visited him that day. I think that is what bugs me so much.
I had to be so stupid and sleep. I let it take over me. Note to self: Sleep is evil. I realized that I knew he was sick, but I guess you never believe that people die and when they die they never come back. I was so selfish. I can never forgive myself for that day, that moment. What if I visited him that day? What would he have said to me? What stories or jokes would he have told. I guess that we could play the "what if" game for hours if we wanted to, but you never cease to wonder.
I guess I was scared because I didn't want to see him dying. I never thought he would leave me. I was scared for him and scared for me. I might seem crazy, putting all the weight and blame on me. I could have changed the outcome of the way he remembered me and that's something I am going to have to live with. It will always be my fault.
June 16th 2006
Depression
Depression is the feeling of being sad or despondent. Sure I have felt sadness because of the death of my grandpa. It's not like I am suicidal about it though. Anyone that has experienced a death of someone or something has been upset and cried. I'll be the first to admit that there are times where I couldn't stop crying because everything saw reminded me of him. It does get easier though, one day you may think about him sixty times and then the next week only thirty times. The first week it kills when you think of him because you know that he's not with you anymore.
I cried that week and wasn't able to stop. There wasn't anything I could without crying. I guess you could call that being depressed. After you get past that stage of all-you-can-do-is-cry-your-eyes-out you start to cherish the times you had with them.
Everyone at the funeral said that my grandpa would be mad at me for crying, but I think that crying doesn't even give him enough recognition for the man he was, if that makes any sense. Also crying didn't even begin to express my feelings. What I have learned is that death is that it's not as easy as it seems. People can act like they are fine with it, but still be hurting. There are so many things that you want to do, to say, and to feel, that you can't anymore. You want to change time and changing the past is impossible. It's mistakes that you can't fix or sorry's that you don't know if they are forgiven. It kills you. It hurts from your head to your toes. Along with all those feelings, you lost someone that you truly care about. Someone that you loved enough to die if you can just have one more minute with.
Do I believe that depression is bad? Yes, because you feel like there is no end to the sadness some days. In the end is depression really that bad? No because it does end and the pain goes away. You will be able to look at those pictures and think about those memories again. Now I am in no way saying this will happen overnight because it does take time. With depression you come out a changed man or woman for that matter. I can't be sexist now. I am also not saying that this will happen overnight also because depression can be one of the most "steps" to get over, but do not get discouraged or lose faith.
June 17th 2006
Acceptance
This one journal entry will be shorter than all the rest because to tell you the truth, I don't accept it. There has to be more steps to the grieving process. I possibly couldn't have gone through them all. Now I am not saying that I want to grieve more. I just don't want to accept it and move on. Just forget him and never remember or acknowledge him again. I know that will never happen, but I am scared that it will. Scared that one day I will remember his scent and all the wonderful stories and jokes. The next month, it will all be a blur. I will start to forget his scent. After that I will forget one or two of his jokes and so on so forth.
I know that someday I will have to accept it, but right now I just want to live in a fantasy and forget reality. I want to live in those memories just for a little but longer. That's not wrong is it? Just give me a more moments to savor the dream. Remember the aspect of every little thing, and then I will gladly accept it.
Mouth was done with all the steps, but he felt that there was still more to be written and still so much unsaid. He decided that today's journal entry would be different.
June18th 2006
Grandpa-
I know that you had to leave. I just don't like that you left. I will never forget the things you taught me. You taught me how to laugh and I can never forget that. I loved all the days we spent together. I miss you and will always miss you. I'll miss you at all the birthdays and other holidays. I know that you will be there though. Please know that I am sorry for the times when it seemed I was not paying attention or frustrated when you couldn't figure something out. You were and always will be a wonderful grandpa. You have made me a better person. You will never be forgotten and always be in my heart. I'll meet you there someday, as long as you wait for me.
I love you.
We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.
-Madame de Stael
Marvin