So…I bet you're all wondering when you're gonna find out what all the secrets are, right? And it's driving you nuts cuz you know there's only four chapters left? Well, guess what…you get to find out something in this chapter! Woo hoo! And the next one! So…hope you like my little paragraph intro, kind of deep-ish and summarizing what's already happened. Sort of came to me when I was trying to sleep. Enjoy!

The next two chapters are essentially joined together in one big miasma of revelations, angst, and some fluff. These two planned sections were part of my inspiration to write this story…they're a bit complicated at times, though, so don't hesitate to ask questions if something isn't clear. A lot of deeper stuff is introduced, as you can see here. No summary, sorry…you'll just have to read on!

Disclaimer: Bartimaeus belongs to Jonathan Stroud. Phasma Mortuus belongs to me.

Choices to Fates (Part 1)

"If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time…"

- Time after Time (Cyndi Lauper)

There they were, the four of them: Nathaniel, the magician; Kitty, the commoner; Bartimaeus, the djinni; and the strange young girl called Kathleen, for the sake of love. Standing at the foot of a mysterious mountain that could change the course of life for all of them, for better or worse. There was love and unusual friendships shared between them, choices they had made that had affected the futures of many. Above all, there was mystery surrounding their lives and fates; mystery that involved death, and pain, and strangest of all, foresight. Answers were needed, but where could they be found?

Kitty had been climbing for an hour already, but she still couldn't see the top of the mountain through the thick growth of trees. Was it just her, or was Phasma Mortuus far too 'earthly' to be given to the spirits and magical creatures alone?

Although, she had to admit, Nathaniel's being here had changed all that. If humans were being brought here as well, who knows what changes could arise? Resulting in the ground suddenly spewing forth a mountain for her purposes, in any case.

Her recent vision had been strange, and it was eating at her mind. No warnings, no memories…just an image filling her mind's eye. She had no idea what she expected to find on the mountain, but maybe at last they would get some answers.

A young man's grip on her hand tightened, and she glanced at Nathaniel beside her. He worried her, no matter what he had said since the dragons, and Kitty watched him constantly for any new signs of weakness or pain. His predicament was strange and terrifying, yet Nathaniel did not seem to have broken before it yet; she fervently hoped that her presence made it easier for him.

He caught her eye and gave her a small smile, which told Kitty he was worried as well. What if there was nothing that could help him get off Phasma Mortuus and return home to London, where he would be safe and well?

Don't think about that, Kitty told herself sternly. There had to be a way; there was always a way through everything, no matter how dark or overgrown the path. Hell, it was possible to find a way through a solid brick wall if you had the mindset for it; their current situation shouldn't be much of an obstacle. Or that, at least, was what she had to keep telling herself.

She bit her lip. Kitty was under a lot of strain; if this was all fruitless, she might be the first to break down. First the disturbing visions, then the shock of finding him here, alive…it would take its toll. In what way she was not certain.

Kitty looked above her at Bartimaeus, flitting through the trees as a red squirrel. His was a solid presence in her life; something she could depend on, when everything fell down around her…she just hoped she wouldn't need that.

Then there was Kathleen, walking ahead of them solemnly, instead of chasing a butterfly or the squirrel like most little girls would be doing. For what seemed like the hundredth time Kitty wondered why she was here, and how. Was it merely coincidence that she had met Nathaniel? And the eyes…Kitty could never forget her preternatural green gaze, which more than once now seemed to have brought on one of her visions. It was merely speculation, but she had a feeling that Kathleen's oddities weren't just her imagination; it made Kitty reluctant to trust her. She frowned.

"Kitty? You all right?" Nathaniel was watching her as well. She smiled wanly.

"Yes, I'm fine…just thinking."

"About what?" Sometimes he was overly inquisitive. She took an easy track.

"About what we're going to do when we get back home, Nathaniel." Kitty leaned sideways and kissed him on the cheek. She was surprised to see him stiffen at her words.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." The obvious answer, but very like the one she'd just given him.

"I think we're almost at the top."

"That's good."

Simple conversation, but it told her, perhaps, too much; Kitty felt a certain sense of foreboding. What was he still concealing from her?

A clearing, the summit of the fairly small mountain, loomed into view. Kitty could not help but hold her breath as she and Nathaniel stepped into it, wondering now if everything was about to change.

He knew, just as he'd known at the tower, that when they entered the clearing at the top of the mountain there would be nothing. Nothing to ease the pain, or take him back, or even release him from the cursed half-life Nathaniel now seemed to lead.

But that didn't stop it from hurting when his eyes to in the empty grove.

It was no different from the forest by the beach, back where their long and fruitless journey had begun, except for the absence of any sort of life. There were no fairies, this time, trying to ease his heart and his troubles; no hope, no life, no release.

And it hurt.

Nathaniel's eyes flicked to Kitty, who wore a blank expression; he could almost see, however, the torrent of emotions twisting again inside her, and he knew it hurt for her, too.

Which meant that he had to tell her why there was nothing there.

"Of course, it wouldn't be in plain view," she said quietly. Three pairs of eyes watched her as she made her way around the clearing, searching for something that was not there, that would never be there.

"Just here, perhaps?" She looked behind a rock. "Or maybe -"

"Kitty…" Bartimaeus began.

"What? Maybe it's up there…" Kitty shaded her eyes and looked up into the treetops. "Or buried somewhere…we could dig…"

"Kitty, please." The djinni's voice was apologetic. "There's not -"

"Just…around…here…" Her voice was desperate.

"There's nothing there, Kitty."

"Maybe we just don't know what we're looking for…it might not have to be an artefact or a spell…" She stopped. Nathaniel opened his mouth, but she beat him to it, crying out suddenly.

"Why isn't there anything?" Kitty turned her face to the heavens, and Nathaniel felt a hand twist around his heart. He spoke again.

"Kitty…please…"

"There has to be something!" Kitty said wildly. "I saw it…we were here, the four of us…we need to find a way…there has to be a way!"

"No, Kitty."

She turned to him, her expression full of pain.

"Why? Why was I brought here?"

"I don't know, but you have to listen…"

"No I don't! We have to find it, it has to be here!"

"Kitty…there's nothing here. There's no way for me to get back…listen to me!"

She stared at him.

"You don't know that," Kitty whispered, "you don't…"

"That's the problem, Kitty…I do know it."

Bartimaeus, who had changed to Ptolemy's form, turned his head suddenly and stared at him, surprised. Kathleen, too, looked at him, goading him into speech.

"N-Nouda…" It was so difficult to begin. "He-he did this to me. When he brought me here…"

"Did what, Nathaniel?" Kitty's voice was stronger, and fury laced her tone. She knew he had lied to her before, knew now that their entire journey had been pointless.

He could not look at her.

"He trapped me. In – in time itself, the way I was…"

Kitty looked confused and frightened.

"What – what do you mean, how would that -"

Nathaniel closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I mean," he continued, "that my body is, essentially, frozen in time. I cannot move forward to my death, or be hurt by anything other than what had hurt me before I was transported…"

"I don't understand," said Kitty faintly, although Nathaniel thought she maybe did.

"I wouldn't expect you to," he replied, and she looked up, hurt. "I'm sorry, Kitty. But I was ready to die, then…I knew I wouldn't come out of the Glass Palace alive, and I didn't want to hurt you with that."

"So that's why you lied." Kitty whispered, her eyes wide and staring at nothing at all. Bartimaeus' dark, otherworldly eyes met his own and the djinni nodded once. He'd known this.

"Yes. But, Kitty – Nouda knew as well. He knew I would make his destruction my final act, knew that it was what I wanted…and so he took it from me."

"What's wrong with that?" she asked. "If he saved your life…why would he do that?"

Nathaniel turned away from her. He was silent for a moment.

"Do you have any idea," he said, his voice barely above a whisper, "what it is to have everything taken from you? Of course you do, Kitty...that goes without saying. But you, like many, probably believe that to have your life taken from you is the worst thing of all."

"Nath -"

"It's not, Kitty." He turned toward her slowly, torturously. "You have no idea what it is to face death, to accept it and even yearn for it, and to have that taken away. That's what Nouda did, before he made his choice and disappeared. He left me here, alone and trapped, without a single possibility of release. Because that's what death is, Kitty; it's a release from everything. Without even that, the pain will remain constant, perhaps worsening over time as I've felt and you've seen, until I've gone mad with it. That is my punishment, in the end, and Nouda's revenge on me for what I did."

"How – how could you possibly know all this?" Kitty's eyes were wide with horror.

He laughed sourly.

"How do you think, Kitty? Nouda told me, laughing fit to burst, exactly what he'd done. Or rather, what he hadn't done; he's gone now, leaving my pain to take its course without his help." Nathaniel closed his eyes. Why did the burden of the truth seem no less?

"So you did lie to me."

Nathaniel looked up into her furious eyes.

"You don't understand -"

"No, I don't! Do you have any idea what I've been through to get us this far? And now you're just telling me that it was all pointless!"

This was the breaking point, then, when it all crumbled into dust…Nathaniel turned away and fled, his heartbeat seeming as dooming as a death knoll.

Kitty stared after his retreating back, the horror of Nathaniel's words filling up every inch of her until the walls she had long built up against her emotions strained for release. It was too much; she covered her mouth with her hand.

A hand on her shoulder; she jumped, realizing Bartimaeus had crept up soundlessly beside her.

"I guess that's it, then." Kitty whispered to him.

"Don't give up hope, Kitty."

"Don't give up hope? Bartimaeus, you heard what he said! There's no way out; he's trapped here forever, and I've done nothing but give us all false hope the entire time!"

She twisted her lip, lapsing once more into silence and gazing at the path where Nathaniel had ran away from her…

"I think you're forgetting something, Kitty."

"What could I possibly have forgotten at a time like this? Oh, right, I should have brought him an eternal supply of painkillers to stop him from going mad!"

"Shut up, Kitty; I have enough experience of hysteria in five thousand years to be annoyed by it. I mean your visions."

"They were wrong, Bartimaeus."

Kitty broke off, glaring at him.

"Everything I've seen or wished for has just been proven wrong. The only reason I was given those visions was my own mind wanting to cause me pain!"

She looked up at the sky again.

"Do not struggle, isn't that what you said? Well, I'll struggle all I want to get out of here! Just leave me alone!"

"Kitty…at least go talk to him."

"What?"

"Go talk to him. You never know…"

"All right," she said quietly. Kathleen watched her from the centre of the clearing.

Kitty traipsed down the path once again, calling for him.

"Nathaniel! Please, I need to talk to you…Nathaniel!"

She tripped over a tree root but ran doggedly on. Please don't let it be too late…

"Nath -"

She saw a dark figure leaning against a tree, his head in his hands.

"Nathaniel?"

Kitty walked cautiously towards him. Nathaniel didn't move or respond, merely giving a shaky sigh.

"Please…don't do this…"

She sat down in front of him.

"Nathaniel, there might be another way to get you out…to break the spell and bring you back to London…"

"Perhaps you don't understand the expression 'frozen in time'?" he snapped, without looking at her. "When Nouda did this to me, I was less than a minute from death. That's where he trapped me; even if I were to go back to Earth, that minute would progress, and I would die of my wounds anyway. I don't want you to see that."

"How can you be so defeatist all the time?" Kitty's anger leapt to the surface again like a hissing cat. "There might be a way to save you from that, if you would just -"

Nathaniel looked up; his face was white and his eyes were red-rimmed. Kitty looked at him, abandoning her sentence mid-way and biting her lip. He was already so frail…

"I'm sick, Kitty," he said faintly. "I'm sick, and I hurt, I hurt all over. I just want out, I don't want this any more…"

"Nath -"

"I wanted death and I didn't get it," he continued doggedly, and she could see tears glistening at the corners of his eyes. "Now I'm scared to face it again, but it may be the only way I'm released from this…"

Kitty reached out to touch his cheek, but he flinched away.

"Please don't," he said. "I don't deserve anything, not after I lied to you all those times."

Neither of them spoke for a moment. Then Kitty had her last try, her last straw of hope.

"Please, Nathaniel," she said. "If you know anything else, anything that could save you, please tell me now."

Nathaniel shook his head from side to side, as if every movement caused him pain. He had never looked younger or more helpless before a power greater than either of them could ever have known.

"Kitty," he said, so quietly she could barely hear the dooming words, "I don't."

She withdrew her hand and stood up so fast it surprised even her.

Doom.

"Please don't say that," Kitty said desperately, her breath coming shallow and fast. "Please tell me something…anything…"

Doom.

Nathaniel buried his face in his hands. Kitty backed away slowly.

"No…" she said. "No, please…"

It was her turn to flee, her hopes crumbling faster than ashes in the fire.

Doom. Doom. Doom.

Ahem, sorry for all the dooms. But it is doom for everything…so, what do you think? I know its horribly tragic and all. But I did promise you at least a semi-happy ending! Up next: Choices to Fates (part 2), and Kathleen's secret!