Chapter 5
Somewhere else in the world of Fire Emblem, a mysterious warrior in mystical robes and striking red hair wandered with her foreign long sword and a huggable plushie of Tales of Symphonia's Zelos Wilder.
"Well, Serra DID tell me I'd meet my target up ahead. It's a good thing she gained Clairvoyance when she absorbed that ugly bastard Nergal or I would just be wandering aimlessly just to find this guy! Ahh... I dunno why she didn't tell me much about the target, but I'll do whatever it takes to serve the name of the Wii! ALL HAIL THE WII!" she said to herself in enthusiasm.
Suddenly, she saw a ruckus from a fair distance away.
"Oh, that must me the target up ahead! Now I get to find out which unlucky bastard I'm killing today! Serra did tell me I'll be assassinating one of the Greil Mercenaries today. Maybe it'll be Ike himself. Nah, some ugly bitch of a pokemon was supposed to be after him. What was her name, Jirachi or whatsis? Whatever, I haven't seen her since that incident with that ugly bitch-archer Dorothy."
She then got a closer look and noticed a lone figure facing up against a bunch of giant, fearsome figures.
"CRAP! It can't be him! This is a joke, right? DAMNIT! You mean I'm supposed to be killing one of the hot guys! IT'S BAD ENOUGH ERK HAD TO TURN TRAITOR!" she roared.
She then took a moment to to clear her head.
"Waitaminute... maybe Serra made a mistake! Maybe what she meant to say is that I have an ally within the Greil Mercenaries or something! Maybe I'm supposed to be taking out the Wyvern Riders instead! ... but the last time I was at Serra's place, she had the place swarming with Wyvern riders like those... CRAP! I may actually have to kill HIM... well, if he did speak an unspeakable blasphemy as the fearless leader claimed she did, I'll just have to make the death about a hundred times worse than I would a normal person for betraying our trust like this! At the very least, I'll know that he'll die by these hands, and not some unworthy fool's, because HE'S MINE!" she inexplicably rationalized.
In the distance, a certain Sage in black ran into his own run of bad luck. While he managed to avoid the fate of being ravaged by his bloodthirsty fangirls, Soren ran into a welcoming party full of Wyvern riders, with him as the guest of honor.
"They just HAD to force me into this stupid Wii crusade. I could care less what name they went with, but that psychotic woman with the pink hair just happened to be the leader of this forces" he sighed.
He then charged up an Elwind spell to take out the riders that stood in his way.
"I can't believe I pissed off that psycho so carelessly" he groaned.
Some Weeks Ago...
In a completely lavish castle, a perkishly insane Queen Serra eagerly sat in her seat as she had an audience with the angsty mage. Standing silently right next to her happened to be her personal advisor, the ugly Bloody Beryl, Riev.
"Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd! I can't believe that Soren's here!" she squealed with delight.
"... sure, whatever. I understand that you insisted my presence here" Soren said.
Serra nodded vigorously. It appeared as though the tiara she wore bounced up and down along with her head.
"I can't believe it! The rumors are true! You're about a THOUSAND times hotter than that stiff, Erk!" she shouted.
"... okay..." Soren said as he raised an eyebrow.
"Even if you look more on the childish side, you simply EXUDE sexy darkness! Seriously hot!" she continued.
"In case you were wondering, my actual age is---"
"WHO CARES! WHAT MATTERS IS YOUR HOTNESS!" Queen Serra interrupted.
Feeling it was useless to answer, Soren withheld any further comments.
"Anyway, down to business." Queen Serra announced in a more "regal" tone.
"It is a pleasure to see some of the rumors confirmed right before my very eyes. You see, I've heard much about you, Soren of Crimea. I've heard that you were willing to sell off that annoying Princess Elincia off to the Daein Army with little second thought to it. Then there was part that you pissed off a Laguz and was about to smite him with your badass Wind Magic. And then there's the whole Racist thing you got going. To be frank, with all of these credits to your name, I would request that you join me in my crusade against the fools in the world who dare speak against the Wii!" she proposed.
Soren glared in disbelief. "W-what?"
Queen Serra's malicious smile widened with anticipation. "What I intend to offer you is actually quite generous, especially for a woman of my... position. You see, you're just far too ideal of an ally to be a mere servant. I've considered everything I know about you, and with this one appearance, I understand the true extent of your greatness. To be more precise... you would be the perfect King to my new empire!"
Soren had a tough time trying to to cope with this sudden proclamation.
"I assure you, this is no joke. You join up with me, and you'll have all the power of my empire right at your disposal! You can even have your way with me, as long as it is with my approval, of course." Serra added with a disturbingly innocent smile.
Soren took in a really big breath.
"I'm afraid I'll have to turn you down on your offer..."
"WHAT!" Queen Serra shouted with extremely veiny eyes.
"Well, you see, I have so little time to waste to make a big commitment like that. I'm way too busy brooding and being angsty, while trying to help out Ike with some things." he responded coolly.
"YOU MEAN YOU'RE REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU WANNA GO SCREW WITH YOUR FRIEND!" Serra asked demandingly.
"Uh, I never said that. Although I have deep respect for Commander Ike, I'm not into the whole 'Yaoi' thing. In fact, after working out most of my issues through therapy, I discovered that I'm actually not homosexual after all. Still, therapy didn't do anything for my brooding habbit. Go figure," he explained.
"SILENCE! IF YOU REJECT ME, THEN YOU MUST BE GAY!" Serra wailed.
"... there's also that little matter considering the Seat of Power you basically offered me. Aren't you wondering why I rejected that, too?" he astutely pointed out.
"Oh, you have a point. ARE YOU CRAZY! WHY WOULD YOU GIVE UP THE POWER?" she demanded.
"Thank you. Anyway, as most of us have learned from history, or even video game plots dealing with people desiring power, power screws people in the end. You should more or less give up the dark power you absorbed before it destroys you, or at least somehow makes you go even crazier than you naturally are" he warned.
"So... you basically turned me down for... self-preservation?" Queen Serra asked with teary eyes.
"More or less, yeah. Well, I gotta now." Soren said as he turned towards the exit.
Frustrated by her rejection, Queen Serra resorted to gnawing at the flared collar of her dark violet gown to restrain her anger. Her trusted adviser Riev wasn't about to let Soren leave, however. He teleported right in front of the only way out.
"Now, now, boy. I cannot allow my Queen to remain in her current condition. I suggest you reconsider" he insisted in a welcoming tone, which is hampered considerably by his creepy old voice.
"Get out of the way..." he growled in a menacingly low tone.
"Very well, but before you leave, I would like to ask you... what do you think of the new name of the Almighty 'Wii'?" he asked, unintentionally putting hilarious emphasis on the word, "Wii".
"It's okay name, actually. I don't see why people are so against it. I think the haters are just overreacting about the whole thing. They're just causing unnecessary conflict" he answered.
"Then do you not see the benefits of becoming our King? You could use your newfound power to smite the hating infidels to end the conflict that much sooner! It would be convenient to remove such annoyance under your tactical knowledge, don't you think?" Riev noted.
In his political act of a friendly gesture, the Bloody Beryl extended a wrinkly hand to gain the potential ally's approval. In response, Soren extended his noticeably more healthy hand out to Riev, but instead of going through with a hearty handshake, he showed his palm instead. Immediately, the Bloody Beryl was and utterly destroyed by a Bolganone spell.
"AHHH! CURSE YOU! I WANTED TO DESTROY THAT DAMNED CODGER MYSELF FOR STRESS RELIEF!" she roared as she rampaged around her throne room.
"Consider it a favor, young lady. For this one time, I actually did your dirty work for you" he rationally explained.
The disgruntled Queen of Darkness momentarily halted her rampage to take in Soren's "favor", which calmed her down. "Hey, you actually have a point. The old fool was starting to get on my nerves with his excessive ugliness cramping my style, and thinking back to the moment, you actually did look pretty sexy destroying him. Fine, you may go" she said as she shoed off her would-be king.
"Thank you," he huffed. He then left the throne room, still so full of angst.
After that little episode, Queen Serra relaxed on her throne.
"Well, I guess it wasn't THAT bad. Soren just found out he's actually straight, he actually doesn't mind the Almighty name of the "Wii", and he destroyed an unbelievably ugly thorn at my side for me. There's STILL a chance that he may change his mind and become my handsome King" she grinned with evil intent.
Outside of the halls, Soren experienced an "uncomfortable sensation" just as he was about to leave the castle and its demented owner.
"Oh man, I gotta go wee---pee. I meant pee" he randomly uttered out loud.
Unfortunately for him, Queen Serra had a highly developed sense of hearing, along with a hint of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
"KILL HIM!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Damn Freudian slip" he groaned as he slapped his own forehead before running out of the castle.
Back To the Present
Soren decided to let out his frustrations by crushing a few helpless Wyvern Riders with more Wind Magic. It was actually doing wonders for his fowl mood until reinforcements arrived with an even more menacing Wyvern in the lead.
The Black Sage looked into the sky and identified their commander immediately.
"Oh great, not that stupid pedophile" he sighed to himself.
Author's Note: Yeah, 'tis a shame Valter had to go out like that in Chapter 3. Out of all the FE badguys I've met so far, I personally thought he was one badass psycho, and I really thought he deserved a better deathquote. I mean, seriously, "...ugh..."? After dishing out the psychotic bloodthirsty talk and killing of his goodie-goodie counterpart Glenn, I would figure he would go out saying something memorable! ... And yes, I STILL don't own Fire Emblem. Quit asking me! With the whole Florina/Farina battle thing, I'm amazed I actually added authentic drama to this fanfiction! I mean, sister versus sister, and an ally of justice actually "sympathizing" with her enemy's belief! I rarely see this kind of thing in a fanfic without being thoroughly mocked! Please Review... if you feel like.