Ki Cutters: 20

The Preparations

The first half of the chapter is told from the perspective of 'the fly on the wall' the day of Soun Tendo and Hinako Ninomiya's wedding, starting four hours after daybreak. The reader should be able to identify the speaker by word use and context.

"Have we got the sake?"

"This is a Western style service, grandfather."

"Yes, but have we got the sake?"

"Hey! Out of the way, ya freak! We've all got a lot of work ta finish before they get back."

"Ranma, is that any way to talk to your…"

"My what?"

"..."

"Coming through! Oh, goodie, look at the money!"

"You're counting that out of the goodness of your heart, right, Nabiki?"

"Oh? Ha-ha! Ummm… I guess I do have other things to do, Akane."

"Do the decorations look all right? I so want things to go well. What about this vase?"

"'Sumi, they're fine! You don't have anything to worry about. Well, the vase might be a little close to the…"

"Where should I put these… oops!" (Clatter!)

"Ranma! Baka!"

"Jeez! Sorry! It's not broke, is it?"

"Coming through with tables."

"Look out! Coming through with tables!

"Showing off for Natsume, eh, Ryu? You carry two, Natsume and Kurumi carry two?"

"Can it, Ranma!"

"Where's the sake?"

"The dojo looks wonderful. You're so skilled, Kasumi."

"Thank you, Auntie.

"Where's the…"

"Somewhere else, dammit! Help or get out from underfoot! (BAM!)

"I might take that from Ranma, Kumon, but not from you." (BAM!)

(BAM!) "Listen, ya old freak! Ryu's at least helpin'. Help or get out from underfoot!"

"I just received a call from my contacts at the registrar's. They're on their way."

"Growf!"

"I know you couldn't help getting splashed, dearest, but could you please change back? Human hands will work much better than paws, I think."

"Akane, You think sensei and Father like banner?"

"It's beautiful, Shampoo. Did you do it?"

"Sisters and Mousse help."

"Are there going to be dancing girls?"

"No! This is a wedding, jerk."

"But we never had a bachelor party. I want dancing girls!"

"Ya couldn't touch 'em anyway, pervert."

"Well… I thought, maybe for this special occasion, you and the other 'talented' girls could give me a special show…"

"NO!"

"Oh, my! Must you shout, Ranma?"

"Did you hear what he wants, Kasumi?"

"But, Ranma, that's what he always wants. It's not that surprising."

"Oh… I guess yer right."

"So (SPLOOSH!) what about it, Red?"

"NO!"

"…"

"Sheesh, K-Kasumi I didn't know you could yell like that."

"It's been very stressful."

"Do you need any extra help?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Morisato! Hi, Kei… Sakurida! Where's Urudu?"

"She's still sulking about being given a reprimand."

"Reprimand?"

"That would be a bit hard to explain, but it has to do with unauthorized use of magic. Don't worry, normal for my skanky sister."

"Sakurida! Is that any way to talk about your sister?"

"Awww… Bel…"

"So… Not that it's any of our business… But what does that mean? Being reprimanded, I mean?"

(Sigh!) "It means I can't use my magic on Happosai without serious consequences."

"Oh, my!"

"Let me get that, Kurumi."

"Thank you, Keiichi."

"Wuff…! Heavier… than I thought…"

"Don't be such a wuss."

"Urd! Urudu! I thought you were staying home?"

"And miss seeing little Miss Hinako get hitched? You've got to be kidding."

"Hi, sweetie, how about a drink?"

"Hmm… You're even keeping your hands to yourself… I wouldn't normally do this, but, thank you."

"Where did you get that?"

"Happosai! That's for the party!"

"You need to hide it better."

"Ranma, I thought you hid all the sake?"

"Don't get bent out shape! He got that outa the garbage, I bet — last night's bottle. He's trying ta trick us inta showing him where the stuff is."

"If that's so, then what, pray tell, did you pour in my glass?"

"Water, sweetie."

"Water? How dare you!"

"Urd! Calm down! Lots of people drink water!"

"Not me!"

"Oh, dear, dear, dear…"

"They're here!"

"They're here?"

"Soun and Hinako are here!

"We're here!"

"CONGRATULATIONS!"

"Where's the minister?"

"Where are the dancing girls?"

I think the minister knows! Find him!"

"The minister knows! I'll find him! Here he—! That wasn't nice, Ranma."

"Hey, look! Happosai found the minister!"

"Thank you, former master."

"Don't rub it in, Soun."

"Where the hell am I now?"

"Ryoga, how nice!"

"Look out, pervert-girl, lost-boy arrive. He talk to nice sister."

"So? He's not looking for me these days, Ling-Ling! Probably he wants Ukyo."

"Wedding? Whose? Ranma and Akane's?"

"No, silly! My father and Miss Hinako are getting married. Come sign as a witness."

"You sure, Akane?"

"If not, he'll get the message after I show him this."

"It's a beautiful ring, Akane. Shhh, it's time…"

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite in holy matrimony this man and this woman…"

oOo

About an hour later…

"Miaou! Khhht! Mrrrraow!"

"Get the fly, Kiku! Get that big juicy fly!"

"What's a fly doing out in January, Ranma?"

"How should I know, Kurumi? Maybe it's because of how warm we've got it here in the dojo."

"Miau! Urf!"

(Snicker) Maybe you're gonna have to teach her, Ranma. She's a klutz."

"Kurumi!"

"Ranma! I wonder if you could do me a little favor?"

"A favor, Ms. Kamiko?"

"How would I go about becoming a student of your school?"

"Ranma! Ms. Kamiko wants to join you school? That's great!"

"It's a puzzle. Could you take Kiku back to the house, Kurumi? Thanks. Now, Urudu, just why do you want to join my school"

"Well, it has to do with my little trouble…"

"That reprimand? More to the point who enforces something like that?"

" Ah, hah!... Well anyway, I can't defend myself from Happosai with my power without getting into trouble. But if I'm a student of the school, it changes everything."

"Oh?"

"A beginner student could never be a threat to the great Happosai, could she? And the relationship between master and student is a holy bond, isn't it?"

(Long Pause) "Let me think about it. Oh, look! Here comes the bride! Talk to me after the party."

"Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Tendo!"

"Thank you, Kasumi."

"You make such a beautiful bride."

"Thank you, Baradandya. I can't tell you how happy I am."

"Having someone special to love is a holy gift."

"Waaaah!"

"What's wrong, Sakurida? Kurumi?"

"We wanna be brides, Akane!"

"Waaaah!"

"Let me guess. You want to be brides, too?"

"Yes! Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung want be brides!"

"Akane, is there good man here we can lose to?"

"No, Ling-Ling. I don't think so."

"They so hopeless."

"Shampoo, you so mean!"

"Why don't you idiots just catch the bouquet? They should throw it when dinner is over."

"What bouquet do, Ms. Kamiko?"

"It's magic. After the dinner and before they leave on their honeymoon, the bride and groom stand up in front of all the unmarried folk. The groom takes the garter off the leg of the bride and throws it. The man that catches it will get married next. The bride throws her bouquet and the girl who catches it… She's the next bride!"

"Really, Ms. Kamiko?"

"Would I lie to you kids?"

"In a second."

"Sis…"

"It's just a tradition. It's not magic, so don't let her lead you on."

"You sure, Sakurida?"

"You positive?"

"You spoilsport, Sakurida!"

"Don't let that stop you from going for it, if that's what you want, though, girls."

(Giggle—whisper—retreat)

"Make up your mind, will you, Skuld? Is it magic or not?"

"Listen, you! It's fun! And that's all it needs to be."

"Look at those two over there."

"Ranma and Akane? What about them?"

"I'm getting very tired of how circumstances keep them apart. I may just do something about it."

"Urd, leave them alone. Do you want to get in worse trouble?"

"C'mon, Skuld. Anyone can see they should be together."

"It's true. You never learn, do you? Well, not this time! I'm going to find Beldandy and we'll join to stop you!"

"Oh, please! Why are you getting so upset?"

"It would be nice if they survived your success."

"Oooh. So sarcastic this afternoon."

"I like them! I don't want your attempts at playing cupid to hurt them."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Urd, why do you want to help Ranma anyway? He's rude. You two don't get along…"

"Nice try, Skuld. He's like that for everyone – blame the Panda."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I've still got a few good potions, certainly better than what the Amazons have. I've got a few other ideas. Let me see what suits the situation."

"You're gonna be sorry…"

"Hush. Here comes Ranma."

"Hi, Ms. Kamiko. Just one word."

"What, Ranma?"

"Don't."

"Don't?"

"I have very good ears. Akane and I have enough trouble without well-meaning help. Mess with us and we'll have more than words."

"Ranma, you wound me."

"I'm sorry, Urudu, but if you mess with Akane and me forget about becoming my student, or a student of any instructor of my school."

"…"

"Woo! He told you off!"

(Sniff!) "I only wanted to help… WAAAH!"

"Why is Urd crying?"

"Oh, Beldandy! WAAAH!" (Sniff!)

"What's wrong?"

"Ranma overheard the big dummy making plans to get him and Akane together. You know what kind I mean… And he told her off."

"Oh, dear! Urd, please leave them alone. Please?"

"But…"

"Urd, review their history. You have the easiest access. You'll see why you need to leave them alone. Especially, look at the alternate lines. There have been lines where we've gotten mixed up with them before."

"I don't wanna."

"Urd, you have a responsibility."

"You don't understand! I have looked at the alternate lines! I want to do it right this time."

"Oh, dear. You're taking this badly."

"Ha! You must have really screwed them up, other-when."

"Don't get high and mighty, squirt! You've messed them up as well!"

"Oh, really? And what did I do?"

"In a couple of cases, you turned him into a girl — permanently."

"I what?"

"Regardless of what mistakes Skuld or you, or I, have made in other lines, we are dealing with this line here and now. And unlike some other lines, we have been forbidden to modify their decisions. Which is why you got in trouble."

"Not yet, you mean…"

"We're not needed in that capacity, Urd."

"Ha! Why are we here then? There are myriads of lines where we aren't assigned to Earth at all and they make their own mistakes. We're here because something's coming, and they're part of it."

"There are no accidents or mistakes, Urd?"

"Exactly."

"Then you shouldn't be concerned about what's happened in other lines, because it wasn't your fault."

"Say again, Skuld?"

"All those times when you interfered and it didn't work out weren't your fault. So you don't have to feel you have to make up for it now."

"Nice try, squirt."

"Is everyone having a nice time?"

"Hello, Kasumi. Yes, thank you."

"It's so nice to see Father happy again."

"I guess Ranma's next. What's wrong, Kasumi?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that, now that Ranma and Akane are finally taking control of their lives, their plans aren't that immediate. Perhaps Nabiki…"

"I've seen smiles like yours on my sister's face. Usually when she'd rather cry. What is it really?"

"I've seen looks like yours on my sister Nabiki's face. Usually when she's about to be sneaky."

"Gotcha there, Urd."

"Shut up, Skuld."

"Urd? Skuld?"

"Or Urudu and Sakurida. It's usually easier for you Japanese to say. I'm sorry, Kasumi, but watching them have to dance around each other makes me itch."

"Oh. I can understand that. You're not the only one who feels that way."

"It's really amazing how much like my sister you are."

"Thank you." (In stereo)

"Aaagh! Gaak! So much sweetness and light… Arrgh! Too much for me… Ha-ha! If you want me, search the bar. Toodle-oo!

"Oh, my."

"Don't worry, Kasumi, dear. I think she'll at least wait a while before she interferes. Ranma and Akane are safe enough."

"They have finally admitted what they feel, Baradandya; but… He's not as confident as he once was. Perhaps that is good, perhaps not."

"Is he so fragile?"

"I think so."

"Beldandy, if Urd messes with Ranma now, she'll get in real trouble. She's on probation. She could get hurt."

"Your concern betrays your love for your sister, Sakurida."

"Of course I love her! She just upsets me easily."

"Sounds like me with Nabiki."

"Hi, Akane."

"Hello, Akane, dear."

"Was Ranma being a baka over here a few minutes ago?"

"No, but I think my sister was."

"Skuld!"

"It's true, Bel. You know it was. Ranma merely let her know what he thought of it."

"Oh, I guess that's okay, then. Mrs. Morisato, is it really all right for you and your husband to judge Ranma's matches on Friday?"

"Of course it is, dear. Why so troubled?"

"It's just that it'll be a bit unusual to have an unbiased referee for a change…"

"Where the hell am I now?"

"There's Ryoga again."

"Ukyo's got him, Akane."

"They'd make a nice couple, wouldn't they?"

"Don't mention it to Urudu, Akane. They've a lot of issues to resolve yet."

"Look who I found, Akane.

"Oh, hi, Ukyo. You found Ryoga!"

"Heh, heh! Akane, fancy meeting you here."

"Oh, Ryoga! Look what Ranma gave me last night. It was so romantic! Right in front of everyone, too!"

"Ummm… Very… very nice…"

"And you don't have any trouble with this, cat-girl?"

"No. If Akane and Ranma do wild dance between sheets, that one thing, spatula-girl. This just jewelry in eyes of Joketsuzoku."

"Why were you hunting for that ring at the Saotome's then?"

"Misunderstanding. If gift from mother, then recognized by Law. If gift from boy, have no meaning. Besides, he get Shampoo something, too."

"Oh?"

"Like bracelet?"

"Cats… How appropriate. Look at mine."

"Oh! Silver sand dollars!"

"They look like little okonomiyaki, don't they?"

"Yes."

"I wonder if he got anything for Kodachi?"

"A charm bracelet with baby icons and good-luck symbols. They loved it."

"Rychan, I didn't get to give you my present! It's a phone card. Something new. Five hundred minutes of calls. I thought you could give me a buzz next time you get lost. Since I can find you now…"

"Gee, thanks, Ukyo. I think I have something for you, too. It's kinda funny but it sort of matches your gift to me."

"What is it? Oh, Ryoga… a cell-phone?"

"You just hang that off your belt. If you get lost or hurt you can call from almost anywhere on Earth. I'll find you… Uhhh… Well, someone can find you. I didn't want you getting lost again. I got stuff for everyone in here."

"That was so sweet."

"Ukyo…"

"Hey, thanks, buddy! Waterproof soap. That could come in handy! Yours is waiting at home for ya. Picked it up at that shopping spree."

"Ryoga no need to get Mousse, Shampoo things… but thank you."

"Ryoga, do you want me to get your missed homework for you?"

"Eeep! No, thank you, Miss Hinako. I mean, Mrs. Tendo. I'll deal with it when I get back."

"I was just kidding."

"Hey, Ryoga, the girls at the Temple asked me to say 'Merry Christmas' to you. They've got some mistletoe and want you to show them how to use it."

"Eeep!"

"Ranma, are you really going to fight Picolet in martial arts dining?"

"Uhhh… yeah, Kurumi. But I'm fighting Mikado in skating and Gambling King in cards, first."

"How can you possibly beat someone with a mouth like that?"

"You hafta cheat."

"Ranma! You better not be cheating when we're judging you."

"Mrs. Morisato, let me explain and you can decide. In martial arts dining, ya can't be seen eating; that's 'inelegant'. Winning is the result of clearing yer plate. People with mouths like Picolet's have the advantage. Ya hafta change the ground rules ta win. There was a guy named 'La Petite Bouche'…"

"Little mouth?"

"Ya know yer French. He developed a way called 'Parlay du Fois Gras' to let him compete with his big-mouthed relatives. Instead of eating yer own food, ya stuff it down yer dinner partners' throats. Since they have ta eat more, it slows 'em down and let's ya clear yer own plate. I used that when I beat him before. In fact, a counter to the move forced me to get creative. I had ta throw food into the audience's mouths and finish off eating my own desserts."

"If it's an eating contest, it still sounds like cheating."

"It sounds like fun."

"You'd think so, Kurumi. Ya gotta remember, Mrs. Morisato, martial arts is about three things: attackin' yer opponent, defendin' against yer opponent and exploitin' yer opponent's weaknesses. The bottom line is; if yer plate's clean first, ya win."

"Understand that I plan to examine the history of their Art so that I can properly judge it. I hope you can fit your methods within my understanding of it."

"Ha-ha! Does it include hidden weapons?"

"Akane!"

"What did she mean by that?"

"Actually, when Barry was here, he was considering using hidden weapons techniques to hide the food, since he doubted he could eat it fast enough, Mrs. Morisato."

"I'm really uncertain about that being fair, Ranma!"

"Awww! But… I'm sure he's been practicing! And he's sure to have changed the rules to try to eliminate my techniques! There ain't no way…"

"I will discover the traditional rules for such a competition, you can be sure. You will not have to face legalistic maneuvers designed to specifically put you at a disadvantage. And I will tell you if the techniques you've described violate those rules. But understand, Mr. Saotome, I demand an honest contest and I will declare a forfeit if I discover cheating on anyone's behalf."

"Jeez! Okay. That's fair enough. If things go the way they usually do, they'll disqualify themselves, anyway."

"That's certainly better than you could expect in the past, Ranma."

"Ranma… Akane… Could I try? I think Nuku would like to try, too."

"You'll hafta wait, Kurumi. I don't think Picolet will want…"

"I'm tired of waiting. Let's have some dancing girls! Here, Ranma! (Sploosh!) Now all three of you can dance for us!"

"This again! Ya jerk! Come back here! (Wham! Thud! Pow-pow-pow! CRUNCH!)

oOo

Senbei's face twisted in rage and some pain, as the audio pickup he had incorporated into the fly was smashed by the violence. He threw the headset to the floor and massaged his ears. Behind him, Urami and Urayami sat with notepads in their hands, taking shorthand. "Dat Happosai is a caution," he muttered. "Well?"

Urami spoke first. "I'd say that is pretty much that, don't you think? We heard them say that the martial artists were not their project this time."

"No… Urd said 'not yet'," corrected Urayami. "Still, it's a waste of time attacking them. We need to find what the goddesses are after and…"

"Why?" asked Senbei. They looked at him blankly. "This is where de boss shines and the minions whine." Senbei got an insufferable look on his face. "Marller tie up de goddesses real good goin' after Ranma and company. We do better, because we know what mistakes she make. Her biggest mistake was, she too obvious, affect too many people. De Sunari Protocols weren't broken but dey stretched plenty. Dat let de goddesses get obvious, too. De udda big mistake be: she tink de goddesses here to help de martial artists. But de goddesses not around dees martial artists to help dem; dey around dem to help demselves."

"How do you figure, boss?" asked a puzzled Urami.

"Kei-boy is now a kami, a true kami, not an earth-spirit. How long it been since a kami been made on de earth?"

"Fourteen hundred years, I think," Urayami muttered. "You say they're doing this for themselves?"

"Uh-huh! Keiichi be de brand-new spankin' clean kami… of what? Nobody know yet. Maybe it somethin' Kei yet need to learn. Somethin' from life experience."

"That makes sense. So the Saotomes and Tendos are a way to teach him that life experience?"

"Dat's what I think. We mess dem up, we stop Kei from doin' his ting."

"Are you sure this isn't because you feel stupid chasing after the pigtailed girl?" (KKRACKA-BOOM!) "…Ite!"

"Why you ask dat, Urayami?"

"NO…(cough!) reason."

"Friday we gonna cause some trouble, ya." Senbei chuckled villainously.

oOo

"Is everyone here?" Baradandya called out through the megaphone. "We're here at the ice rink as the first of the contests is martial arts singles figure skating. Next will be a best of five in cards and last will be martial arts dining. Are you ready, Ranma?"

"Ready."

"Mikado?"

"Ready."

"I thought molester-boy fight pairs," Shampoo observed.

"Normally, yes," Akane answered her. "But the argument is strictly between Ranma and Mikado, so…" There was a flurry of activity on the ice. "That was quick."

oOo

Several hours previously…

"I don't understand, master. How is warning his opponents not to cheat and cheating to help Ranma, going to hurt him?" Urami looked down from their vantage as a stretcher came out for Mikado.

Senbei sat back, a satisfied look on his face. "An honest man is the easiest to frame for cheating, girl. He doesn't expect it."

"I would hardly call Ranma honest," Urayami said sweetly.

"No… Dat boy is not honest but he is honorable." Senbei looked smug. "Dat de next best ting. He is known to push limits in past and Beldandy? She come down on him hard at de party. De boy is a little unsure of de tree sisters." His smile turned sadistic. "Maybe dey be too up righteous fo' him, yah? Maybe easy to tink he be a little shady since he like to win so much. So we cheat in little ways to help him. When it blow up in his face after de eating contest, de udder contestants come in crying…" Senbei got down on his knees, pretending to weep. 'Hey! He do dat to us, too! Boo-hoo! He plenty big cheater, yah! Maybe alla time! Boo-hoo!"

"But his friends won't buy it."

"This for his friends." Senbei snapped his fingers. "If de goddesses believe it, dat good enough. His friends, dey be colored wit' same brush. Soon maybe dey turn der backs on him to save demselves. But dey no more help fo' sisters and Kei-boy lacks what he needs. Ha-ha-hah!"

"All it needs is one of them to speak up about your plan and it goes bust," scowled Urayami.

"Dat where you two come in. Mikado, he be no problem. He jus' want crazy Azuza to stop embarrassin' him. Simple spell make her go catatonic when she steal in his presence. Gambling King be a little harder. He needs a… (Eeuw!) …lucky charm to win. We don't do tings that way, so he gets a 'disaster caster' to use on his opponents. Picolet be lookin' fo a wife…" He smiled at Urayami. Her eyes went from curious to wildly understanding in seconds.

"Oh, no! I'm not marrying that rubber mouthed monstrosity!" She shivered. "You know I can't take a religious ceremony…"

"It would be a civil ceremony…"

"I'm a demon! I can't pretend to care for him or bear his children…"

"That didn't come up."

"And just think of all that French cuisine you'll be getting," Urami added

"I don't like French cuisine!"

"I know," smirked her sister demon. "Heh, heh."

"Besides, all you gotta do," Senbei informed her, "is take control of dis girl." He held up a picture. A pretty girl sat demurely in the frame. "Dis be a distant cousin of Chardin's from France, Mademoiselle Pigeon Le Gosier. She visitin' Japan right now. It gonna be a whirlwind romance, ya."

Urayami looked at the squeaky clean appearance of her target and shuddered. "Eeuw!"

oOo

"You lose!" Ranma triumphantly held up the match to the card in his hand as Gambling King's face tightened in rage. They were playing Old Maid, once more. And Ranma had managed very well despite his past experiences. "That's three games to one, best out of five."

"I… I…" The gambler purpled then turned away. He stood there trembling with rage then looked over his shoulder. "You'll get yours, Saotome."

"Interesting that you can't seem to win without cheatin', King."

"Says you."

They stood there, exchanging random insults while the tables were set for dining. Picolet leaned against a post and contemplated the event ahead. Madame St. Paul's rewritten dueling rules for martial arts dining had been rejected by the astonishingly well-informed Mrs. Morisato. He was better than when he had faced Ranma before, but he wasn't certain it would be enough. He shrugged faintly to himself. Such was life. Ranma was truly astonishing. He had nice friends and family, too. Picolet sighed faintly.

He understood very well, that he was a 'poor little rich boy'. He had been born with a silver platter in his mouth, so to speak, and had never wanted for anything. When his visitor this morning had warned him not to cheat, he had laughed. Then the girl, rather pretty in a dark way had tried to bribe him with the offer of a wife. He had almost told her where to go but had reconsidered. He wondered what they would send his way.

Good afternoon, sir, came a lovely voice in French. He turned. His jaw threatened to hit the floor.

Before him, stood a vision of rampant feminine beauty. Short strawberry hair curled engagingly about a heart-shaped face. Full pouting lips were pursed, as if expecting a kiss. The eyes were mahogany, dark and mysterious. He could tell that her slender figure curved invitingly, despite the bulky but stylish winter jacket that covered her to mid hip. His heart flip-flopped as she blinked at him in a slow, sensuous manner. Mademoiselle, my native tongue slips from your lips in a delightfully intriguing way. I am Picolet Chardin II at your service. Might I inquire your name?

You might… She smiled provocatively and let the silence grow.

(You are delightful, he said at last. (May I know your name?

(Pigeon Le Gosier, fair sir. She held out her hand for him to kiss. (How elegant. The Chardin name is familiar to me. Are you of the Chardin family of martial arts dining?

I have that honor.

Then I am distant cousin. I am here but a short time, visiting Japan with my father on family business. A dream told me that, should I go skating today, I might meet my one true love. Her smile grew pixyish. How amazing to find someone with so similar an interest. She reached up and stretched her smiling lips and cheeks till the smile was nearly a meter across before it snapped back to her normal appearance.

Picolet was staggered. Among the Chardin family, this was a tremendous come on. He swallowed and nodded understanding. This was his payoff. Not merely a pretty girl, but one already knowledgeable in his family's art.

It appears you are preparing to dine, she commented. A competition?

Indeed. Against a most unconventional opponent, Ranma Saotome.

Surely, he will be no match for you, she said in a sultry voice.

I repeat. He is most unconventional. I cannot promise anything.

Pigeon smirked. I think I shall watch this competition. You should always treat a challenge as if your life depended on it. She slid away to join the throng in the seats.

Chardin felt tingly as he watched her go. 'By the gods, she is perfect,' he thought.

"You ready, Chardin?" Picolet jerked as he realized Ranma was talking to him.

"But of course. A Chardin is always ready for dinner."

"And breakfast, lunch, snacks…' Ranma chuckled. "You're really in luck though, Picolet."

"Oh?"

"If you had challenged me under Madame St. Paul's new rules, without Mrs. Morisato as a referee, I coulda used a technique on ya that ya wouldn't have believed. It woulda technically been legal, too, since you guys never get around ta actually sayin' the food has to be eaten."

Picolet frowned. "Is that not implicit in dining?"

"Nope. And if ya figure how people are always sneakin' out rolls and silverware from restaurants, you might say there's even some justification." Ranma grinned at the Frenchman.

"What technique would you have used, that you are not going to use, and why have you told me?" Picolet looked troubled.

"Didn't want ya ta think Mrs. Morisato was playin' favorites. She told me outright not to use hidden weapons, even if it ain't strictly forbidden by the rules."

Ranma walked around the table to stand beside his seat. Picolet took his place. He noted the cuisine was Oriental, but the tools were European. He smirked. He had no objections to Oriental. He nodded to their chefs: Shampoo, Ukyo, Kasumi and Nodoka. "You are good at hidden weapons?" he asked suddenly.

"Middlin'." Ranma smirked. "The guy that taught me could clear this entire table, silverware and all, including the table and chairs, and set it fresh in under five seconds."

"Impressive. Is he a maître d'?"

Ranma choked. "Actually, he does do that, I guess."

"Useful. Shall we begin?"

Mrs. Morisato stepped up. "This is a match of martial arts dining. In this match, any consumption visible to the referee will be penalized. Each contestant starts with 300 points. There is a 150-point penalty for visible eating and 75 point penalties for visible drinking. Food dropped from the plates also is penalized 75 points. The first diner to complete all courses gains 200 points to his score. As you can see, sloppy work can cost you the victory, even if you finish first." She raised her hand holding up a napkin. "Is everyone ready?" They nodded. "Begin!"

The napkin dropped. Food began to vanish from the plates. Shampoo and Ukyo sweated big time. As the professionals here, they had to wait the tables as the two ate, clearing away plates and serving new courses. To one side, Nodoka winced. She had seen Ranma compete with Genma but she had no idea! She opened her mouth to comment and paused. She had a mouthful of her own dim sum. Not up to her usual standard today… How did that get there? A glance at the competitors revealed nothing. Ranma was concentrating ferociously, he and his opponent blurs of activity. Glasses were emptied and refilled, at times food seemed to vibrate in the air as they parlayed and countered when they thought they had an advantage. She gasped as a roll dropped toward the floor on Ranma's side.

Mrs. Morisato opened her mouth to call the penalty. She paused. Where did the roll go? The table had a short cloth on it. The roll should be visible. She shrugged and paid closer attention to the action. Seconds later Ranma's eyes bulged as six pork dumplings filled his mouth. He strained but he just couldn't manage…

"One hundred fifty point penalty, Ranma. Visible eating," called Mrs. Morisato.

He finally got down his mouthful as he scattered his meal to members of the crowd. Kurumi glanced at Nuku to one side of her and watched the android gulp and smile. "What did I (mmmrph! Chew, chew!) tell you, Nuku?"

"This is (fwup!) fun! (gulp!)" the other agreed.

A portion of rice dislodged from Picolet's utensils to plop against the tabletop.

"75-point penalty to Picolet. Wasting food," called out the teacher's voice.

"Nice move, boss," Urami whispered. Their vantage, now atop a huge air-conditioning unit set in the ceiling, was directly above the contestants.

"Just a little more and the stage is set," agreed Senbei.

Ukyo and Shampoo almost dropped the desert courses, which came under attack almost before they reached the table. Picolet earned another 75-point penalty as half a cookie bounced across the linen. Now a dead heat point-wise, the two competitors surged to the finish... and sat back, eyeing each other respectfully. Mrs. Morisato consulted with Keiichi. "The competitors tied finishing. Each has 150 points in penalties. I declare this match a draw."

Ranma breathed out a long sigh. He had dispersed and eaten his food and yet Picolet's skill had almost defeated him again. Kami, the guy had gotten fast!

"You are incredible, Saotome," Picolet said in real approval. "If you weren't already tied to your Akane, I'd ask if you would like to meet my sister, Perche. You are absolutely astounding."

"Yer not bad yerself," admitted Ranma. "I didn't lose, but… man, was that close." They rose and reached across the table to shake hands.

"Here we go," snickered Senbei.

"Bombs away," whispered Urami.

(Plop!) A roll seemed to fall out of Ranma's sleeve and onto the table between them. They both jerked upright as if slapped. "What?" Ranma looked at his sleeve and then at the roll. Where had that come from? As he stepped back a flutter and a clatter told of further surprises. A file lay at the foot of the table, soon partly obscured by a drift of playing cards. "What the…?"

"So that's how you won so easily!" roared Gambling King from his seat near the front of the audience. "I knew an unlettered boob like you couldn't beat me fairly!"

Mikado staggered out holding his skates in one hand and his head in the other. His head bandaged sloppily, he looked vaguely like an interrupted attempt to disguise himself as a mummy. He pointed at the file and shouted almost at the same time, "No wonder I couldn't avoid him! That cunning sneak dulled the edges of my blades!"

"A roll fell off the table and disappeared," Mrs. Morisato commented, her voice filled with disappointment. "Ranma, how could you?"

"I… I… I didn't do it!" Ranma protested as he gazed, ashen-faced, at the evidence against him. His eyes darted to Mrs. Morisato's, saw the doubts there and fled to the only person whose opinions mattered to him — Akane. He saw the anger there, but his spirits were raised because he knew her anger wasn't directed against him. She was confident in him. He turned back. "I don't need ta cheat! I'm bein' framed!"

Picolet felt a hand wrap around his bicep, as he stood frozen in astonishment by the turn of events. He could already tell, that regardless of the truth, the crowd had little confidence in Ranma's protests. He glanced down and looked into the dark eyes of his cousin. Her perfect figure pressed close to his.

I see what you mean by unconventional, she murmured. What an honor-less cheat!

"He did not cheat!" Picolet exclaimed, hotly, loudly and unequivocally. "It is shameful to even suggest it!" Pigeon recoiled in surprise at his vehemence.

"What did you say?" Mrs. Morisato and her husband were staring at him.

He advanced and took the microphone from Mrs. Morisato's hand. "Please! May I have your attention? I will not be party to an attempt to ruin a good man's reputation! I believe Ranma Saotome was indeed the victim of a conspiracy! I was approached this morning by a woman who warned me not to cheat. I thought little of it, because I had no intention of cheating. But what was said now gives me cause to believe they wished to make certain Ranma's challengers would not themselves be disqualified." He vaguely felt Pigeon trying to leave his grasp. He held on grimly. If his cousin knew anything about this plot he was damn certain he would discover it. "We need to more closely investigate this incident. I am certain that he is innocent," he added.

"Let go," Pigeon whined in perfect Japanese.

"Oho! Pigeon, my little cabbage, isn't it interesting that you speak to me from the beginning in such perfect French, but alors! Now you can speak Japanese as well! You are very puzzling to me, ma cherie. Very puzzling." He scowled as Mikado wrenched the mike from his grasp.

"I say Ranma's a sneaky cheat!" the skater howled. "How else could he sneak into my locker and tamper with my skates?" He flinched as a large long-fingered hand snatched the mike from him.

"Saotome is an unlettered boob!" disagreed the Gambling King. Picolet irritably booted them off the raised stage.

"La Savate," Ranma murmured appreciatively.

"I have some expertise," admitted Chardin.

As the audience crowded closer, Azusa saw the file and picked it up. "How cute!" she exclaimed. She froze almost immediately, her features trapped in a moronic expression of wanting. Meanwhile the Gambling King and Mikado fought over the mike. Then the Gambling King's hand dipped into a pocket and Mikado seemed to contort, hurling himself into the audience. By seeming coincidence, his fall had resulted in his left hand clutching the bosom of one girl while his right had stripped the panties of a second girl down to her knees.

"PERVERT!" roared the crowd, who immediately began pummeling him. The Gambling King smirked and withdrew his hand from his pocket.

(WHAP!) The gambler's eyes bulged as a mallet stood up from the top of his head. "Let's see what he's got in his pockets," Sakurida growled. The gaijin stood there frozen, his eyes popping and a gloating smile frozen on his face as she frisked him. "Ahhh! One Nifelheim Electronics 'Disaster Caster' Mark IV." She carefully extracted it from the pocket with tweezers and deposited it in a plastic bag.

"I think I've figured out Mikado's gift," Urd called from across the stage. She pointed at the frozen Azusa. "Hypnotically induced catatonia. I'm not sure why Mikey would want it…"

The man in question dragged himself toward the stage, flinching from the growling females who hadn't decided whether he had gotten what he deserved yet. "Have you ever been around the fruitcake? She steals everything. Absolutely anything that isn't nailed down!" Mikado snarled. "I can't take this anymore!" he sobbed, slumping against the stage.

"But what was your payoff to be, Mr. Chardin?" Baradandya asked. Chardin nodded to the struggling girl he held by the wrist.

"I realized, when I saw what was happening, that no matter how lovely, I could never trust a woman who was part of such a plot—even if she is a cousin."

"Oh?" Baradandya stepped over and looked into Pigeon's eyes. Urayami, knowing the jig was up abandoned the girl and fled immaterially. Pigeon collapsed bonelessly into Picolet's arms. "Oh! So that was what was done! She was possessed!" Picolet obviously had doubts about such a prospect, regardless of the fact that it had been done to him once. He straightened out the unconscious girl, careful of her comfort, despite his anger.

"I'd trust Mrs. Morisato's calls if I were you," Ranma's hand descended on his shoulder. "Thanks, man. If you hadn't spoken up, my reputation would have been ruined."

"I still feel badly over how Madame St. Paul treated you the first time," Picolet admitted. "Being underage at the time I had no power to object to her manipulations." He finished making the unconscious girl comfortable. "It was the least I could do for the honor of my house and myself."

"Looks like she's coming around," Ranma observed. The girl's eyes blinked and came open. She squinted against the bright lights of the rink.

""Where am I? "" she asked, her face tightening in fear and confusion. She gazed up at the closed face of Picolet and the curious one of Ranma and shrank back. ""Who…"" She switched to Japanese. "Who… you both?" she asked brokenly. "Where I am here?" Her eyes were emerald.

Picolet sucked in a deep breath of astonishment. Before, her eyes had been brown, almost black. Suddenly, possession made more sense. ""Pardon us, little one. We mean you no harm. You seemed distraught. Can we help you? ""

""You speak French! "" she exclaimed. She eyed Ranma doubtfully then looked around. Her eyes met Mrs. Morisato's and she relaxed a bit more. ""Where am I? Who are you? ""

""I am Picolet Chardin II, "" he said hopefully. Was she really his cousin? ""…of the Chardin restaurant and dojo of martial arts dining. ""

She blinked rapidly. ""How… How astonishing! I think you are a cousin! "" Picolet's hopes soared. ""I am here in Japan with my father. We knew there was a branch of the family here but… Gustiere will be so pleased! ""

""Your father? "" Picolet asked gently. Perhaps fate would be kind.

""No, my fiancé! He is very interested in our family tree. He will be so excited! ""

oOo

"Sorry, man," Ranma said later. "She was cute." It had been decided that the competitions would be held again at a later date to fulfill proprieties. Now, at the Tendo's, the martial artists plus Chardin were preparing for dinner. They stood at the koi pond and watched how the snow drifted across the ice.

"Such is life." Picolet said. "We of the Chardin lineage have much trouble finding wives. Between our demanding requirements and our rather obvious abilities, we are shunned. I had hoped…"

"Life sucks, sometimes." Ranma fingered the one hundred thousand yen he had in his pocket. Somehow the moment didn't seem right to give it to him.

"Keep it for now," Picolet said.

"What?" Ranma jerked.

"The money. We still have our competition to play out."

"Oh!" Ranma shrugged and removed his hand. "Chardin… I'm sorry about foolin' ya back then, but I couldn't let ya make one of the girls marry ya against their will."

"I was disappointed at the time, but I suppose being disappointed is better than being married to a boy, yes?" Picolet chuckled.

"I can agree with that wholeheartedly," Ranma nodded. They were silent for a few moments. "Ah, Chardin, do ya ever eat normal-like? Ahhh… Ya know what I mean."

Picolet nodded. "I even know how to use chopsticks."

Ranma's face twisted into an embarrassed smile. "It would probably be a good idea…"

"But of course. No need to upset the lovely Kasumi…"

"Ranma, M'sieur Picolet… It's time to wash up for dinner," Kasumi called.

"Thank you, 'Sumi," Ranma answered. "We're coming."

Two unlikely friends walked into the house to prepare for dinner.