Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, Gainax does. I make no profit from this piece.
Warnings: This story is meant to be dark and somewhat saddening. It will be Rated Mature for mild to strong language, sexuality, and violence. Recommended that viewers under the age of 17 have parental guidance.
Notes: This story takes place before Episode 22, and the attack of Arael.
Story Title: Love and Pain
Author: Mosher-24
Rated: Mature R
Length/Completion: One-Shot/Complete
"It seems to me, Shinji, that love and pain are so closely related that people often confuse one with the other," Kaji had said, his face even, and somewhat drawn. He had come over to visit Misato, and had asked for a word with Shinji before he left. They were standing outside the entrance to the apartment, the bright of day shining in their eyes. It was beautiful.
"Don't be one of those people. I regret that I am one of the ones who have worked for that closeness, though I didn't mean to. People like you Shinji become afraid of pain, which is not wrong, but do not become afraid of love. There is a whole world out there that will not hurt you, if you learn to look at the best in life. I wish I had had that knowledge eight years ago, Shinji… I was only a few years older than you, and if you learn now… You'll be way ahead of your game. Take care," he said, walking off without another word.
Shinji could smell the cigarette being lit, and didn't respond to Kaji's comments.
Why is he talking to me about it? Did Misato..?
Shinji didn't get to finish his thought, because Asuka came up behind him and shoved him out of the way. He gave a sharp yelp and covered his face.
"Why didn't anyone tell me Kaji was here?" she demanded of Shinji, who stuttered in response.
"Cause you were in your room, and the threatening note on the door kept me from…" he said, but she gave a huge growl and smacked Shinji upside his head. With heavy, loud movements, she went back into the apartment.
"S-sorry," he whispered after her. She turned to stare at him, and he could see she was deciding whether or not to say anything. With a sigh, she turned and continued on.
"Idiot…" she murmured before slamming the door to her room behind her back. Misato came from the couch and sat at the table with a Yebisu, shooting an inquisitive glance from Shinji to Asuka's door, then back. Shinji shrugged.
Kaji sighed, feeling his gun heavy in the shoulder holster. He went to the telephone to dial a few numbers, and eventually dial Misato's. He knew she'd be going to work soon, only to find out what had happened. She'd be taken into custody, and released upon his death.
He sighed, looking at his identification card. Blood…
Shinji and Asuka both decided to stay home from school, feeling it would be better for their health. Misato reluctantly left them alone about it and left for work, because NERV had to prepare for another Harmonics test for the children.
Misato's mind wandered to Asuka's dropping synch ratio and she shook her head. The girl had such promise and talent, and she was wasting it away because she was too competitive and prideful. Misato saw a pothole coming from a mile away, but didn't think there was anyway to avoid it, so she continued on without making any evasive effort.
Like a robot, Misato got in her car and sat rigid and prepared. She drove to work, expecting an angel, or a virus to attack, knowing that a day couldn't go by without a black mark on it.
When she arrived at NERV, however, she got a nasty surprise.
"Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki? Kidnapped?" She yelled, before informing the security personnel they were idiots.
"I'm sorry ma'am, we were given false information regarding the Sub-Commander's schedule," the man replied, unperturbed at Misato's insult.
"And you think you know who did it..?" Misato said, trailing off. She had a sinking feeling in her stomach like she didn't want to know exactly who, or she already knew. Or both.
"Ryouji Kaji," the man replied sharply.
"Then that's why you're here…" Misato said, taking her gun from her holster and handing it to the man, along with her access card. She had known it before he said it. Kaji had been known to be a spy, a double-agent, but she didn't know he'd go that far. Her stomach curled into a ball, and her throat tightened.
"We appreciate your cooperation, Major Katsuragi," the man said, before telling his flunkies to lead Misato off to an interrogation room. Misato closed her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to bite back tears, for she could see the outcome already.
"You idiot…" she whispered.
"You idiot! You're so boring. Don't you do anything except listen to that stupid cassette player?" Asuka said, her tone not threatening, but more whiny. Shinji was used to her complaining, and only turned up the volume on track 25.
"I like it," he replied, his eyes closed. Asuka sighed and got up and moved around, trying to find something to do. She had called Hikari, who was busy, and couldn't think of anything else to do to occupy her enormously valuable time.
"Wanna kiss me again, Shinji?" Asuka asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Shinji sighed and took his earphones off.
"What?" he asked, having honestly not heard her.
"Do you want to kiss me again, or not, Shinji? You get better with practice, you know," she said, a strange, desiring look crossing her face. Shinji gulped, remembering what had happened last time. His face turned red, and he felt burning at his cheeks as if she had lit a fire.
"But, last time you…" he stuttered, but she rolled her eyes and closed in on him. With light footsteps, the gap between the two was closed in only moments. Shinji had little time to prepare before her lips were inches from his, and her eyes were watching him intently.
"Last time you were tickling my nose," she said softly, before closing her eyes and leaning in. Shinji did the same, his heart beating so loud in his ears, he could hear nothing else. His pulse was pounding inside his head, and for a moment, everything disappeared except for Asuka.
A searing hot feeling swept through his chest as his lips met hers. The kiss was different than it had been before. Her lips were softer, and so was the kiss. He could feel all the skin on her lips rub against his and he felt her tongue gently run across his lower lip, and he emulated her.
A pain shot through his mind, and he found himself unable to break the kiss. Her hand rose up and touched his cheek, and another pain flashed through his cerebrum.
Momma.
Shinji opened his eyes only to see Asuka's eyes closed, as if she could not feel or hear it. He tried to make a noise, but could not force himself to do so.
I hate dolls!
Images that were not from Shinji's memory began to cycle across his vision. There was a doll, badly damaged, and old, and then a woman holding it. Asuka stood, only a little girl, and still so grave.
"What is the matter, Asuka?" Shinji asked, but the little girl didn't look up. She only crossed her arms.
"Nothing. I can take care of myself, thank you," she replied in a snotty tone. Shinji couldn't find it funny, however, that she had never changed that same tone throughout her life.
Just then Shinji noticed that Asuka began to wince also. Her eyes opened, and they stared at each other while kissing. Her brows furrowed and they stood there for a few moments more, before the connection was broken and each fell to the floor.
Shinji felt more drained then he had in a long while. His energy seemed to have left his body and soaked through the walls, out into the sky. Asuka was the same, and both sat heaving in air, heaped on the floor. Pen-Pen gave a wark as he passed by and entered his refrigerator.
"What-the-fuck-just-happened?" Asuka demanded, forcing herself up on her elbows. Her eyes rolled, then searched Shinji's face, and he knew that she knew something more than she had before. He felt something looking at her, a bond of some sort that had formed during the unbearable memory-probe.
"I don't know…" Shinji whispered, forcing himself up as well. The two of them stood up and panted for a while more, before they stood up and looked at each other. There was a small part in the corner of his mind that somehow felt foreign, as if it belonged to Asuka before him.
Asuka stared Shinji in the face for a long time before smacking him across the face. Shinji gasped and grabbed his cheek, feeling fire all over again.
However, Asuka didn't say anything, just stared into his face. She had a look of slight violation, and more than anything, fear of that which she did not understand. Shinji didn't reply, and the two just naturally sat down at the table, silent for hours longer.
What the hell just happened?.. Shinji asked. He had no way of knowing the repercussions of the act.
"Oh, you're late… I was getting worried I had lost you…" Kaji said as the man entered the room. He was cloaked all over, with a black mask and black clothes. His gun shined in the light that the fan let through, and Kaji smiled as he heard the report of the gun and felt a searing pain in his side.
Bastard. Couldn't just shoot me in the head, eh?.. Must have been one of the underlings…
Misato ran to her car when her gun was returned. She didn't care if she had unfinished work, for there were other days to finish it. She had ice all over her body, and she couldn't stop shivering as she raced the car home through rather empty and unkempt Tokyo-3 streets.
She ran up the flights of stairs to her apartment, and threw the door back. The dining room was empty. No one sat at the table, nor in the adjacent room. Presumably, both children had gone to bed, and Misato was left alone in her apartment to lament over the news that did not have to be given to her.
She had to confirm it anyway. With trepidation, she reached for the button on the phone that would play her one and only message. The button seemed to be unnecessarily easy to press, and she couldn't stop it once she had hit it.
"Katsuragi… It's me. I except that you are pretty angry at me after all the trouble I've caused you. Sorry. I only have one thing to trouble you with. I've been growing some melons, and I'd like it if you watered them for me. Shinji knows where they are. The truth is with you Misato, don't stop moving forward. If I ever see you again, I will say those three words I couldn't eight years ago. Bye," the message said, and Misato felt her head hit the table beside the phone before she knew what was happening.
Tears, hot and salty fell down her face, but she couldn't feel them. She only knew because they were hitting her folded arms. With agony, she heaved a sob and grated her teeth.
"You fucking idiot… I hate you so bad… Why did you have to be such a dummy?... Kaji…" she whispered to herself, her mouth becoming overwhelmed with tears, snot and spittle. She heaved again before wiping her face. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing, so she went to her bedroom and cried through the night.
Just down the hall, Shinji's ears perked up at the sound of the door being forcibly opened. He paused his SDAT and listened to her sobs, and sighed as she went to her room. He hadn't heard what had made her cry, but he assumed it was nothing good.
He closed his eyes and started his player again on full volume. The classical tune blasted in his ear, but he gritted his teeth and got used to the loudness. As he drifted off to sleep, he was dimly aware of another presence in the room, and groggily rubbed his eyes and opened them as a blurry image of Asuka became clearer.
She was wide awake and staring down at him from a sitting position. He gulped, not sure what she was there for, or what he would say.
He paused the player.
Mother…
For the whole of an hour, they sat there staring at each other before Asuka laid herself next to Shinji and fell asleep. Shinji blinked once, twice, and even a third time. He gulped again and closed his eyes and started his player.
The third child was slightly creeped out, very confused and also very peaceful all at once. He couldn't complain, though he thought for sure he'd regret it in the morning.
You're just a kid yourself… but… that means we actually do have something in common. Neither of us have parents, and we both watched our mothers die…
Shinji thought as he drifted into a dream. The dream was only a replay of Asuka's memories, memories he had intruded upon somehow, and could now not forget.
Look at me, Momma!
When morning roused the two children, Misato was fast asleep, having drank herself into bed, and under the covers. Asuka yawned and didn't say a word to Shinji as she moved into the bathroom and shut the door. Shinji stared after her and shook his head, feeling happy and sad all at once.
Outside, a slight rain fell even though the sun shined brightly. Today he had to go to school, and from school he had to go to a harmonics test. He was starting to feel good as his synch ratio stood above everyone else, but felt horrible that Asuka's was dropping.
Shinji sighed and closed his eyes until Asuka freed the bathroom for use.
All the way to school, Asuka was quiet. Shinji conversed with Kensuke, who was rather talkative, but he mainly remained reserved. His eyes shot over to the flowing red hair of the Second Child, but never stayed there long. Kensuke noticed and made a slight raise of his eyebrows, but never said anything. He just pushed his glasses up and continued to talk about the infrastructure of a proper battleship.
"Man, what's with Asuka today? She hasn't tried to rip my head off or anything!" Kensuke said as Asuka entered the building before them and ran off to meet Hikari. The two stooges walked down the hall and entered class 2-A, prepared for their daily lesson. Toji, of course, was not in class.
"And what's with your wandering eyes, Shinji? I saw you looking at Asuka," Kensuke said, though his voice lacked very much of the libido edge it had contained only weeks before.
"What? It's nothing," Shinji stuttered in response, turning red once again. He narrowed his eyes and looked at the ground.
Coward! Why do you have to apologize all the time? You just run away, that's all you do!
"Shinji?" Kensuke said, and Shinji looked up from his momentary lapse of attention.
"Oh, I'm sorry. What did you say?" Ikari replied, feeling even more embarrassed.
Stupid, stupid.
"I said that my family is moving out tomorrow. I only came to school today so I could say goodbye to you Shinji. We're moving to Tokyo-2. It's safer there," Kensuke replied, his tone strangely serious. Shinji had never quite heard its equal before in Kensuke's speech, and it did something to nail the fact home in Shinji's brain.
"You're leaving me?" Shinji asked, his voice a slight whine, and his face falling. Kensuke sighed and shook his head.
"I'm sorry, buddy, but I have no choice. You take care, Shinji, and remember to always fight your hardest. Don't go dying in an Eva on me," Kensuke said, before turning and leaving the classroom.
"Aren't you going to stay for the lesson?" Shinji whispered to the silence, and knew he'd get no response.
Alone… Again, another loved one leaves because of the pain caused by knowing me…
-Oh, shut up, you pathetic doof! It wasn't caused by knowing you, it was caused by the Angels! Why don't you grow up enough to realize not everything is your fault!
Shinji looked around abruptly. The words that had just formed in his head had been a direct answer onto his previous thoughts, and hadn't been in the loop of left over memories of Asuka's.
Asuka looked at him with deep, sad eyes and then looked back at the Sensei, who continued his lesson despite the lack of a class. There were only a couple students, including Shinji and Asuka.
Shinji wasn't even sure why he went.
"How did you..?" Shinji started, but trailed off, unsure of how to word the question. He and Asuka had left the school as the final bell rang, and were now headed to the nearest train station to take a transport into the Geofront and NERV headquarters.
"I don't know. I have no idea what you did to my mind, idiot," Asuka offered, though her words were non-threatening. Her face was paler than usual, and Shinji could almost feel all the chaos in her head threatening to burst out and strangle everyone around.
Shinji gave no reply as the two took the steps up to the station departure surface. They waited in the government train line, though there was absolutely no line in sight. As the transit approached, Shinji looked back to see Rei Ayanami coming up the steps as well.
I fucking hate dolls!
"Hello," Shinji said with a smile as Rei stepped up behind them.
"Hi," Rei offered in response, her voice so soft that it made Shinji turn his head to hear her.
"Oh, great… Wondergirl," Asuka murmured, and didn't turn around to offer a greeting.
You're just a doll…
Shinji felt embarrassed at the awkward silence that followed as the first three children boarded that train. He couldn't think of anything to say, however, so he just sat in silence as the train went down the long, underground rail to NERV headquarters. He had been on this train more times then he could count, and yet he never got used to the feeling of looking down on the Geofront.
You're so pathetic. You just want to make up for silences with stupid apologies. Grow some balls.
Shinji looked at Asuka and saw a small angry fire somewhere inside her, and felt the heat of her temper flowing off her.
He chose not to reply.
"Take it down a little more, Hyuuga," Ritsuko said, biting her lip. Her face showed annoyance, but did not convey the utter terror inside her that the second child was failing. Unit-01 was in cryostasis and Unit-00 had to have repairs, and Unit-02's pilot was struggling to keep even a minimum synch ratio.
"Asuka, what is going on? Concentrate on the Eva!" Ritsuko said over a sound-only transmission.
"I'm trying!" came the annoyed response of a failing and prideful girl.
"Asuka isn't feeling well. She started her period today," Misato said, but was cut off from any further comment by Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.
"Harmonics are not affected by physical changes. She should have no problem synching… The problem lies in her subconscious…"
We may have to take her off the combat roster… Misato thought, never having thought that Ritsuko was way ahead of her.
"Begin the search for the fifth child," Ritsuko whispered to Maya Ibuki. Maya nodded in response, feeling slightly sick to her stomach.
"Okay, it's over. You can get out now and go shower," Ritsuko said, punching a few buttons on a keypad. Asuka sighed, as did Shinji, but Rei only nodded.
The three children got out of the entry plugs, and Ritsuko went over to a computer screen to look at the data.
"Asuka's synch ratio has dropped over 8 in a short period of time, Misato. I'm afraid she is slowly becoming obsolete as a pilot," the doctor said, running a hand through her blonde hair.
"I want to give her another chance in combat," Misato said firmly. Ritsuko made no reply.
"Oh, my God, Doctor! Look at this," Maya called, and Ritsuko came over to look at her screen, which displayed the psycho graphs for each pilot. Misato came over after a slight gasp from Dr. Akagi.
"What is it?" Misato asked.
"Major Katsuragi… Look at Asuka and Shinji's psycho graphs," Maya said, and pointed to the two, which where right next to each other. In a single click, she overlaid them on top of one another.
"They… they are so similar. Have you ever noticed this before?" Misato asked, and gazed at the screen. The lines were nearly identical in all places, and only carried minor differences. Shinji's synch ratio was still higher, but his thought patterns were unusually close to Asuka's.
"No, I haven't… I want to run another test tomorrow to research this," Ritsuko said, and Misato could only nod.
What in the hell?...
Why won't you work? Asuka thought in despair as she changed.
"Oh, wonderful Shinji…" she began, but stopped as she said it. Rei looked around with a disinterested look and finished changing. Asuka changed in silence, feeling dejected and hurt, and feeling a chaos in her brain like no other time. There was a part of her there that was foreign, and worse, it reminded her of Shinji.
She hated that. Shinji was everything she stood against. He was weakness, in its purest human form. He ran from anything, avoided conflict, and hid away from the world.
It was like becoming part of something one loathed so much that they would destroy it if they had to.
"Bah…" Asuka spat on the floor, and cursed Shinji's stupid name.
"I'm leaving…" Rei informed Asuka, who only balked.
"Fuck if I care… Stupid doll," Asuka said, and Rei turned around to face the second child, who stared back at her.
"I am not a doll," Rei said evenly and as quietly as ever. Asuka snorted.
"Yes you are! You'd do anything you're told to! You have no thoughts of your own, no soul, you are a doll!" she said, getting overly upset. Tears began to rise in Asuka's eyes, and she felt a sob hide deep in her chest.
Oh, not now… Don't cry now…
"You represent everything I hate! I hate you, you stupid fucking doll!" Asuka screamed, this time a tear rolled down her cheek and she had somehow forgotten to breathe.
With a deep breath, Asuka fell to her knees as Rei left without another word. Rei ignored her comments, which hurt Asuka's pride deeper then it had been before. Not only did Rei represent that which her mother cared for more then her, but Rei didn't care. Asuka cried to herself, slamming her fists against a locker.
"I hate you…" she whispered over and over, before feeling a pain in her stomach that led to nausea. She covered her stomach with her right arm and went to the toilet.
"I hate being a girl…" she said to herself.
Shinji sat up and looked around. He had felt a sudden jolt of anger, and then heard a single line being screamed. He was walking home from NERV, and there was no one else around, but he still got the feeling that there was someone screaming right next to him.
He saw an image of Rei Ayanami and then looked behind him to see her exit the building as well. With a gulp, he slowed down to speak to her.
"Hi Rei," he said conversationally.
"Hello Shinji," she said, throwing him off guard. He had only heard her refer to him by his first name a couple times, and it still threw him off guard.
"Was Asuka just yelling at you?" Shinji asked, looking over at the first child as they walked down the street together. He had to shield his eyes from the setting sun to see her, but it was no bother to him. A butterfly flew by his face, and temporarily distracted him, before he realized that Rei had spoken.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Shinji asked, his face reddening a bit.
Stupid… You should stop getting distracted by stupid things…
"Yes, how did you know?" Rei's face was as close to quizzical as he had ever seen it. It was almost a shock, but he didn't say anything.
"I don't know…" he replied.
"Were you outside the changing room?" she asked seriously. Shinji sputtered and turned a deep purple shade.
"Of course not! I wouldn't do that!" he replied, and Rei only said, "oh."
An almost comfortable silence followed, and the two continued walking without conversation for almost ten minutes. When Rei began to go a separate way, Shinji followed.
"Would you mind if I walked you home, Rei?" Shinji asked, feeling that he'd rather spend as much time away from home as possible. Asuka and he had had the strangest interaction he had ever experienced, and he wanted to avoid her because of it. He knew she didn't like it, and felt that Shinji had violated her mind.
She's so stupid sometimes! I didn't mean to do anything… Shinji thought angrily.
"No," Rei replied to Shinji's question. The two walked further in silence.
Shinji could tell they were getting close, because the sounds of construction filtered through the air. The third child couldn't help but wonder if the crews ever stopped working.
The buildings came into sight, and Rei led Shinji up several flights of stairs to apartment 402. The door was filled with unopened and unread mail. Shinji sighed and smiled. Rei opened the door, which was perpetually unlocked.
"May I come in?" Shinji asked, bowing slightly and closing his eyes. He never liked to look at people's faces when asking to intrude, because he felt it pressured them. Rei never thought about it before she replied, "yes."
Shinji stepped across the threshold to her apartment and took his shoes off. He walked inside and looked at the mess and smiled. If there was one thing that took his mind off anything, it was cleaning. There wasn't a whole lot to do, but he could do it and not think about Asuka.
Rei sat down on her bed, and Shinji grabbed a plastic bag from beside Rei's garbage. He proceeded to pick up all the little pieces of paper and bandages laying on the floor. He found it strange that the blood-stained bandages did not affect him at all.
"What are you doing?" Rei asked inquisitively, looking down from the bed.
"Cleaning…" Shinji replied, humming slightly. In only minutes, he had picked up the floor, had cleaned out her garbage, and then moved on to the kitchen, where he dusted her otherwise spotless kitchen. Rei's crimson eyes followed his movements carefully, but she did not speak a word.
"Could you get up for a second?" Shinji asked shyly. Rei stood up and watched with neutral eyes as Shinji made her bed, then looked around and dusted various other spots and then arranged her medication so that they were all in order by day. Rei never needed that kind of thing, for she had perfect concept of time, but she was appreciative none-the-less.
Appreciative? Is that the word?.. Rei thought to herself.
"There you are," Shinji said with a smile. Rei looked at him for a long time before her cheeks turned a slight crimson shade, which was easy to see as she was pale.
"Thank you," she said softly, marveling at the words. She had never spoken words of that kind to anyone. They seemed strange to her, yet appropriate and somehow right. Shinji bowed in return and looked around.
It was nighttime now, the sun having retreated in the sky. The stars began to show up and street lights were illuminating the streets all across Tokyo-3. The city was battered, bruised, and yet it still hummed with life. Shinji sighed and bowed again.
"I apologize, Ayanami, but… May I stay here tonight? I do not wish to go home, and I have nowhere else to go. I will make you tea now and food if you want," Shinji offered, bowing deeply and closing his eyes. Rei regarded him with as close to wonder as she could get.
"Yes, you may. I would like some tea," Rei said, and watched Shinji immediately move off into the kitchen and look around her cupboards. Rei had tea, though she never made any. She had never really tried it, because she was not told to do so. The reason seemed so silly to her now that there was a boy in her kitchen making it for her just because he was being polite.
"Shinji…" Rei whispered, though she wasn't trying to get his attention. She wasn't sure why she said his name, but every time she tried to think of Commander Ikari, Shinji's face was there instead.
"There you go, it's done. It's a little hot, so don't sip it just yet," Shinji said, taking two cups of hot tea into the room. He handed one to Rei, who took it in her steady pale hands. She was seated on her bed, and Shinji went to sit in her chair. He laid his cell phone on the table with her medication and reluctantly turned it off.
He didn't think Misato would call, but Asuka might, and she would be angry if she knew where he was staying, so he chose to avoid it.
"It is good," Rei said after letting the cup sit for a few moments. Shinji laughed and thanked her for the compliment, but she did not respond.
"Where will you sleep, Shinji?" she asked after another small silence. Shinji gulped down his tea and almost choked.
"I didn't think about that…" he said, and he smacked his forehead.
Oh no… I can see where this is going to go.
Shinji couldn't go home to get his sleeping gear, because that would raise too many questions. He didn't have the courage to tell Misato that he didn't want to stay there anyway.
"You could share my bed. I do not move when I sleep," Rei said calmly, and she thought absolutely nothing of it. Shinji, however, spit hot tea across the room and sprung a nose bleed, all of which he cleaned up soon thereafter with profuse apologies.
Rei almost laughed.
Asuka sat at the table and felt a tear fall down onto the surface. Misato was gone, Shinji was gone, and she couldn't find Hikari. Kaji was missing somewhere, and didn't want her anyway. She was completely and utterly alone in the darkness.
"Wark," spoke Pen-Pen. Asuka ignored him and swallowed hard.
Why doesn't anyone want me?.. What did I do? Why am I alone… Even Shinji would help…
Shinji whimpered, feeling despair make its way into his mind for no reason. His eyes moved sharply, but he remained asleep. Across the City, Asuka was in bed holding a teddy bear and crying herself to sleep.
Shinji subconsciously curled up and grabbed the nearest thing to him, which happened to be one Rei Ayanami, who was sharing her bed with him.
Her crimson eyes shot open immediately, and her cheeks were flooded pink as she felt Shinji wrap his arms around her. They were both fully clothed, but it still made her feel slightly strange. She stared into space silently, before falling asleep in the third child's arms.
Shinji's eyes opened and froze that way. He made several unintelligible sounds that resembled gurgling, and turned as red as Rei's eyes. He jumped up, startling the first child awake, who looked at the boy who was standing on her bed, red as a turnip.
"I'm sorry Ayanami!" he yelled, bowing. She tried to speak to tell him that it was no problem, but his bow threw him off balance and he tried to step on the bed and correct himself, but only stepped on Rei's hand. She started, and the two of them fell into a heap on the floor for the second time.
This time, however, it hurt. Shinji rubbed his head and felt it droop down, but he wasn't quite aware of what exactly was happening until his head had sagged so much that his lips were touching Rei's.
His eyes shot open and he looked into her deep crimson eyes, which had a strange look in them now, unlike any he had ever seen.
He couldn't help it. He didn't withdraw, but instead kissed her. She, surprisingly, also kissed back, and soon the two children were in a slightly estranged, and inexperienced miniature make-out session.
Shinji shot up, and stood, tears almost in his eyes. He was so confused as to what had happened that he bowed to Rei, thanked her for her hospitality, and apologized for the incident before running out the door.
Rei stared after him, touching her lips as she stood up. She stared for a long time, running her index finger across the entire surface of her top and bottom lip. The feeling inside her was the strongest she had ever felt, and wasn't sure she liked it. It was intense, and somehow calming all at once.
"It is okay, Shinji…" she whispered to no one before changing her clothes and sighing. She didn't want to go to school, and she had another synch test later that day. Instead of going to see Commander Ikari, she chose to sit on her bed and think about the puzzling events that had transpired in her apartment.
Asuka awoke to the sound of Misato snoring. The woman had come in late in the night and had gone directly to sleep. Asuka had retired to her room and laid awake most of the night, listening to see if Shinji would come home.
She checked his room in the morning and found that he had not returned while she was sleeping.
"Baka… Where is he?" she whispered, but she didn't know why. She didn't particularly like Shinji's company, but then again… it was better than nothing. She hated nothing.
The shower was cold, but she didn't mind it that way. Asuka was having a hard time feeling, and wasn't even sure why she was up. It was probably the comfortableness of the monotonous routine that kept her doing it. It was what she knew, when all else she knew was gone.
"I hate it. I don't fucking need anyone," she muttered to herself, looking at her reflection.
You ugly bitch… Look at you. You say you don't need anyone, and yet you really do more than anything… You're pathetic… she thought to herself, and harshly brushed her teeth.
"Dammit," she cursed as she spit into the sink and noticed the blood in the toothpaste.
"I can't even brush my teeth right…"
"Alright, start the neural link ups on all three children," Ritsuko said as the harmonics tests began. She stared hard at Asuka, then at Shinji, then at Asuka again. The link between the two that had mysteriously appeared intrigued her greatly, even enough to give up some of her other projects just to research this one.
"Everything is green."
"Good. Now, start the exercises and get me a full detailed report by the MAGI on this phenomenon. I would like their input on it first," Dr. Akagi said to Maya Ibuki, who nodded and complied with her orders. Ibuki worked fast and typed in the correct commands on her console, and then watched in wonder.
"Asuka's synch ratio is down a couple percent from yesterday! This does not look good," Ritsuko said, her face neutral. She knew that a fifth could be found at any point in time, since the entirety of Shinji's class were candidates, but it was a heck of a mess to keep re-writing the personal data files in each Evangelion.
"Um… I have even worse news. Major Katsuragi, there is an unidentified object entering Earth's orbit. Pattern is orange as of right now, but one of the MAGI is already saying it's an angel," Aoba said, his voice harsh and loud above the gibbering of everyone else.
"Dammit! We can't finish this test. Get all the children into their EVAs immediately! Put Rei and Unit-00 in point position at elevator…" Misato began, but was immediately cut off by Asuka.
"No, let me take point, Misato. I can do this," she said, though her own face betrayed her. Misato looked her over, and then nodded her approval. Ritsuko growled, but waited until the communication was terminated to say anything.
"How could you put Asuka in point with her synch ratio so small?" the doctor asked harshly, feeling the sudden need for a cigarette.
"I am the one in charge, Ritsuko," Misato said coolly. Ritsuko glared at Misato, but relented and sighed.
"If Asuka fails, she will never pilot EVA again," was all that Doctor Akagi could say. Misato nodded in agreement, though it pained her to do so.
Asuka rode the elevator up to the surface of Tokyo-3. Her face was set with grim dedication, eyes straight forward, and mouth pulled tightly shut. She was trying to synch with 02 with all her might, concentration almost too hard.
"Blood type: blue, confirmed! The MAGI all agree that this is an angel!" Hyuuga informed the bridge as the information screamed across his screen. Klaxon's were going off all over NERV headquarters, warning all personnel to go to their battle stations. There was a brief moment of chaos, and then everything was organized and deadly.
"Asuka, this angel is…" Misato started, and then looked at the screen, astonished. It was the only angel so far that looked that the traditional human view of an angel. It was orbiting the Earth with wings spread, glowing bright in space.
"It's in orbit. We're not entirely sure at what point it will come into our range, but the MAGI are working on it now, so your mission is to sit back and watch, okay? Don't try anything right now, just move forward a few kilometers, grab a rifle, and watch," Misato said, after looking at the data across the screen. The angel was getting slowly closer, and they weren't sure what kind of weapons it possessed.
"Shiest," she whispered as she did as ordered. Unit-02 reached out and grabbed a rifle, and then looked to the sky. She could see the angel clearly with a few times magnification. Eyes wide, and desperately hopeful, she gaped at the beautiful, probably deadly angel.
"Wait… I'm sensing a little activity inside the angel. It's moving forward, and now it's shooting a beam straight at Asuka!" Hyuuga yelled, but it was too late. The angel had launched a strange rainbow-colored beam at Unit-02, and suddenly Asuka let out a scream.
"What's happening? This isn't a particle beam. It's not a physical attack," Aoba said, punching up key after key on the computers.
"Asuka's psycho graph is going crazy! I think the angel's attempting mental contact with Asuka!" Maya said, pulling up the information on her computer screen. Ritsuko swore and went over to look. The angel was now maintaining it's orbit.
"Get out of my head!" Asuka screamed. Everyone in the bridge felt a chill run up their spine as the blood-curdling scream pierced their hearing.
"Rei, you'll have to get within range of the angel and fire your rifle. Take some of that heat off of Asuka!" Misato ordered, and heard Rei give a quiet reply of acceptance. Unit-00 moved forward, and aimed.
"Rifle charging. Fire in 10…9…8…7…" Hyuuga started the countdown. When it reached zero, Rei pulled the trigger and Unit-00 jumped as the powerful beam shot into space straight towards the angel's core. It was blocked by a powerful A.T. field, though, and ricocheted off into space.
"Damn! What do we have that can kill that angel?" Misato yelled to Ritsuko, who only stared.
"Nothing? Oh shit, Asuka!" Misato yelled, and fell to her knees as Asuka screamed yet again.
"NO! No, no, no, no, get out of me! It's defiling my mind!"
"Rei, go get the lance," Gendou Ikari said from his command desk. Ritsuko turned around and eyed her commander. Misato spat.
"I thought that third impact would happen if an angel comes into contact with EVA," she said, but received only a cold, condescending gaze.
So, another lie that NERV has fed me… she thought.
"But sir… the committee… SEELE will not stand for this. They need," Fuyutsuki started, but Gendou waved his hand and dismissed the others thoughts.
"Rei, this is an order from Commander Ikari. Get the lance," he said firmly. Everyone else shut up and watched as Unit-00 proceeded into Central Dogma and pulled the Lance of Longinus from Lilith's chest.
"Please… get it out of my mind…" Asuka cried, her voice only a whimper through the bridge's sound system. Misato rubbed her eyes to keep from crying.
"Father! Let me go! Let me go help! Father, you bastard!" Shinji yelled, thrashing in his entry plug. His mind was a muddled mess, and he somehow knew that Asuka was in deep pain. Images, clearer than before, began to run across his mind. The images were all of suicide, death, and dolls.
I fucking hate dolls.
Shinji held back a tear and screamed again, and thrashed his control yokes to no avail.
"First Child, calm down. Unit-01 will not be brought out of cryostasis," Gendou Ikari said to his son, who whimpered and curled up into a ball in the throne.
"I'm sorry Asuka…" he whispered as Zeppelin crossed his mind, but he wasn't sure why. He felt the intrusion slightly, as if there were a needle being slowly driven into his brain.
Momma…
Shinji held his head in his hands.
"The lance has been retrieved, Commander," Maya Ibuki informed Gendou. The commander nodded and looked to the screen.
"Rei, you know what to do," he said, and heard no response.
Unit-00 stood on the surface of Tokyo-3, the lance in a ready position for throwing. It shifted form to be more aerodynamic, all on its own.
"Calculating for shift in Earth's orbit. Gravitational pull calculated. Air speed and direction determined, compensating… Okay, go!" Hyuuga yelled, programming the data into Unit-00. Rei pulled the lance back farther and let it fly as Asuka let out a scream. The lance tore through the angel, which seemed to disappear in a void.
"Pattern Blue dissolved. Angel defeated," Hyuuga said with a sigh of relief.
Asuka's crying could be heard from the entry plug.
"Get the pilot out of there, and quarantine her until further notice. Let's get a psychologist down there to examine her," Ritsuko said to her bridge mates, and moved off the bridge. Misato only stared after, knowing that had probably been the straw to break the camels back.
"Asuka…" Shinji whispered as he came up to the quarantine line. She was sitting, still in her blood-red plug suit, staring at Tokyo-3. She offered no reply. Shinji felt a throbbing in his brain, as if he had just been hit over the head with a hammer.
I hate you…
"I'm sorry I couldn't help you, Asuka," Shinji said, a tear hitting the ground.
"Oh shut up! You think I need your help, you fucking pathetic, worthless idiot! You can't even help yourself! Look at you. You run from reality on a daily basis, and you were going to save me? Fuck you! I hate you, and I hate everything!" Asuka screamed, turning around and pointing an accusatory finger at Shinji.
Shinji stepped across the quarantine line, and ran over to Asuka before NERV security could grab him.
"I'm sorry," he yelled at her.
Asuka punched Shinji across the face, as hard as she could. He fell to the ground, grabbing at his face. Asuka's eyes were contorted with anger and hatred, but Shinji couldn't feel angry. He got up as the security personnel grabbed him by the shoulders.
"I know how you feel… I'm sorry!" he yelled as they dragged him off.
"No you fucking don't! I AM ASUKA LANGELY SORHYU! You are Shinji Ikari, and you are fucking stupid! You are not me," she screamed, crying now. He could see that she was only trying to convince herself.
Shinji wasn't even sure anymore.
When both Shinji and Asuka were out of quarantine, they were released back to Misato's apartment. Misato was at work, so Shinji and Asuka were left alone, in silence, once more. Shinji stared at Asuka across the table, and she refused to look back. He closed his eyes and probed the part of his mind that was still foreign, and felt a slight repercussion.
Asuka smacked him, without a word.
"Get out of my head, rapist," she whispered, a tear in her eye. Shinji stared in disbelief, and bowed his head.
"I'm sorry," he said, but she didn't say anything back.
They sat in silence longer, until Asuka stood up to go to her room.
"Where are you going?" Shinji stuttered, though he wasn't sure why. He stood up, and she turned around, her face a mask of neutrality.
"I don't have to explain myself to you," she informed him. He stepped closer and attempted to put a hand on her shoulder, feeling a need for consolation. He still felt an enormous amount of hurt through the bond that he and Asuka had formed.
"I'm sorry," he repeated.
"Fuck you," she said softly, trying to throw his hand off her shoulder. She half-way succeeded, but ended up struggling more than was necessary and tripped on a roaming penguin, only to end up in Shinji's arms.
They stared at each other, before their heads leaned in and their lips touched once more. The kiss this time was passionate, and almost violent. Asuka grabbed Shinji's hair with one hand and his waist with the other. Shinji was scared, turned on, and confused all at once. He had absolutely no idea what was going on, but he didn't have the courage to stop it.
Shinji's arms slowly encircled Asuka, and the two stood there for a while, until Asuka forced Shinji to the floor. He hit the ground fairly hard and muttered an, "Ow!" He was about to ask her what she was thinking, but she got on top of him, instantly turning his cheeks red.
"What?" he stuttered.
"Shut the fuck up," she said, and she ripped his clothes off, not caring if Misato or the whole world walked in. She didn't care about anything in that moment, not herself, not her self-respect, and certainly not Shinji. He was just there.
I fucking hate dolls…
Shinji ran to Ayanami's apartment after the deed was done. He felt dirty, used, and somehow hurt. Asuka hadn't done all that much to physically hurt him, except scratch him a couple time, and he enjoyed it… but… he knew there was no feeling in it for her, and she was only doing it because he had been there.
I hate her…
He knocked on the door, and to his surprise, got an almost instantaneous response. Rei answered the door, wearing her normal school uniform, even though she didn't go to school anymore. Her eyes almost lit up at seeing Shinji at her door, but she kept them cool and normal.
"Rei…sorry to bother you, but can I come in?" he asked, and was invited into Rei's apartment.
After taking off his shoes and walking further inside, he turned around to ask Rei a question, but the question was soon forgotten as Rei pressed her lips against Shinji's. He was too jaded to care at that point, and proceeded to do to Rei what he had just done to Asuka.
"You didn't come home again last night, Shinji," Asuka said quietly over a sound-only communication during their synch test the next day. Shinji gulped, and looked at his camera into Unit-00 and looked over Rei's cool, calm face. The night he had just spent with her was the most incredible night of his life, though Rei really hadn't shown much reaction. She had still professed to enjoying it, though he had only been able to get a small smile from her.
A very small smile.
I fucking hate dolls…
"Asuka…" Ritsuko muttered, looking at her scores.
"She barely has a high enough rate to activate Unit-02," Maya said to Misato. Major Katsuragi sighed, and nodded. She knew that Asuka's dangerous mental problems were keeping her from being a good pilot, and now it was going to keep her from being a pilot at all.
"So where were you last night, third child?" Asuka persisted.
"I was at a friend's," he replied coldly.
"You have no friends left in Tokyo-3, idiot," she shot back.
"Rei is my friend," Shinji said, and was sorry he had said it. He felt as if there was a physical punch in his brain, and furrowed his brow.
"Alright, go wash up. The tests are over," Ritsuko informed the children. She shot a furtive glance over to Misato, who nodded.
"I'll go talk to Asuka… She won't be fighting the next angel…" the purple haired woman said, though it pained her to say so.
I hate you.
Shinji finished changing and exited the room to see Asuka standing there, waiting for him. She stood up, and walked over briskly. She stared him in the eyes for a long time and then smacked him across the face.
"What was that for?" he demanded, feeling his almost numb cheek.
"I gave myself to you, and then you go over and fuck a doll? If you wanted to fuck a doll, you could have just convinced some adult to get you one at a porn shop," Asuka said, a tear in her eye.
"Now wait a minute," he started, but she stopped him by slapping him again.
"I hate you. I fucking hate dolls. I hate Misato, and Ritsuko, and most of all I hate you, Shinji. You fucking weak, pathetic, spineless, worthless excuse for a human being," she said, her voice becoming softer and softer by the minute.
"Stop it…" Shinji said, but she continued, and he repeated the statement until he was screaming it in her face.
She wiped his specks of spit from her face and growled.
"I am Asuka Langley Sorhyu, and you raped my mind, you idiot. We are different people," she said, and she slapped him again.
"Stop that!" Shinji said, and he shoved Asuka hard against the wall. The hallway was empty, but NERV security was already on their way. They had seen the fight begin on the cameras.
"You asshole!" she yelled as she kicked Shinji between the legs.
"You… bitch…" he winced, holding his stomach. He stood up and flung his arm at her delicate, red, and beautiful face. Blood came from her nose as his fist contacted her. He could see security running for him now. He winced as he felt Asuka punch him across the face once more.
With one fatal movement, Shinji knocked Asuka on the ground and mounted her, and closed his hands around her throat.
"You fucking bitch," he whispered, snot and tears running down his face. He ached all over and the spot in his mind that was Asuka was searing with unidentified pain. He squeezed as hard as he could, and watched as Asuka stared up at him through it all, her face turning a slight shade of purple.
And then he was hit hard over the head with something and blacked out.
Asuka was taken to the hospital as she stared down at Shinji from the stretcher.
"I hate you," she said to him the moment that his eyes opened. He looked at her, and began crying for all that he had done. His entire body ached with the strain of his sobs, and she just stared at him longer in bitter contempt.
Shinji's eyes stared into Asuka's, and he felt the connection increase once more. His vision began to get lighter, and he felt Asuka's breathing and wincing through her damaged throat.
"I love you," he said. Her eyes opened wide and she stared at him all her way through the hallway.
END
Notes: Strange? I hope you enjoyed it…