A/N : The exams are driving me crazy. I'm really sorry for keeping everyone waiting. Here's a longer chapter as a compensation. Hope you like it! Reviews and feedbacks please!
Chapter 7 : Heart-to-heart
Harry was discharged from the hospital wing after one day's rest. He still had no appetite, especially after having few consecutive nightmares despite the sleeping draught. He was grateful that both Ron and Hermione seemed to accept it as an aftermath of the cold, for he wasn't keen to talk to them about the nightmares anytime soon. Their pestering was of course due to kind initiative, but Harry had found the situation awkward and frankly, quite useless. The nightmares don't just disappear after talking about them.
Still, even though Ron and Hermione weren't bothering him, Harry found the nightmares very disturbing. It always started as a memory lane, where he was forced to recall the killings of Cedric and his parents. Then, Voldemort's high-pitched laugh would take over, asking him how many lives would be sacrificed because of him. In the past, the nightmares would stop here, but after relieving his memories of being cold-shouldered by his relatives, the nightmares had often involved blames and accusations from those sacrificed. Cedric's had been most taunting, with Cedric chasing Harry everywhere, demanding why he had to die as a spare. The dreams kept reminding Harry that it was him, Harry who offered Cedric to take the cup together, finally resulting in his death. After being brainwashed by several 'visions', he truly believed that he was solely responsible for Cedric's death, and that Cedric was more than angry about it.
Harry was really tired. He hadn't been able to sleep for more than one hour without screaming himself hoarse each night. So, when it was time for Occlumency lessons again, he seriously considered skipping it. But considering that Snape knew all his dark pasts, and might very possibly 'let slip' of it to the Slytherins during breakfast, he unwillingly trotted to the dungeons. Snape must have seen his misery as he for once didn't criticise him for being late. Harry usually gets scolded for being on-time, so this was saying something.
"Harry, we'll start our usual lessons now, but I want to have a word with you after this." Snape stated. Harry heard a tone of authority in it, and wasn't sure how to refuse, so he didn't reply, neither verbally nor through gestures. Snape took that as an acquiescence. "Legilimens."
Harry was immersed in his memories once again. Tired was an understatement, but Harry was still fighting to keep his mind clear. He knew Dumbledore had his reasons for wanting him to master Occlumency, and frankly speaking he didn't enjoy Snape's lectures every time he failed either. All in all, Harry tried hard. And Snape was less aggressive too, for unknown reasons. Thus, after putting up a fight, Harry had managed to push Snape completely out of his mind for the first time since their first lesson ten weeks ago. Needless to say, Harry was very pleased with the achievement, and one could argue that Snape had a tiny smile on his lips.
However, Harry's high spirit was quenched too soon for his liking. "Well, it's nice to know that you still have some potential in you. We will try to make it a constant ability next lesson. Now, I would like you to enlighten me about your life with your relatives." As if he felt Harry making his mind that particular moment to lie, "truthfully" Snape added. Harry tensed visibly, he still wasn't prepared to tell Snape willingly about his dark secrets. Instead, he put up a defiant mask and asked, "who are you to ask and why would you care?" "It's not like you ever care about me, and we aren't exactly friends."
Snape wasn't at all taken aback by Harry's reaction. He was even expecting Harry to storm out of his office. So, he merely raised an eyebrow, as if he was amused by Harry's question. "Well, I guess the whole school knows that I'm not exactly fond of you, but that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore signs of abuse. No child deserves that."
"Good to know you have a heart. Still, how do you know it's abuse, not just punishment for something I deserve? In my perspective, your detentions are more abusive than my relatives'. Seeing that you are the main cause of my misery, you have no stand to pry into my personal issues with the reason that you are worried for my well-being, or any reason you are planning to use." With that, Harry stood up to leave, but this time, Snape wasn't going to back off so easily.
"Fine. If you are so reluctant to be cooperative, let's do it the harsh way." Before Harry knew it, he was binded with full-body bind. "What…?" he spluttered. "Veritaserum, my boy." Harry visibly panicked. "Seriously, you don't need to care, it's not like I'm dying in my relatives' hands, and they have been good for the past five years," he tried to reason with Snape. However, Snape wasn't listening. He was pretending to be rummaging through his cabinet for veritaserum.
Snape's sleeve slipped down when he raised his hand, and Harry saw a rotten bit of flesh on his right hand. It was looking nasty. Harry gasped. "Professor, what happened to your arm?" "The Dark Lord wasn't always kind to his Death Eaters," Snape simply stated, "even a dunderhead like you should know that, keep that shocked look off your face." "And how did you cross Voldemort?" Snape flinched slightly at the name of his master. "Apparently, you being a defiant brat contributed to that particular injury."
Harry was bright enough to put two and two together. So Snape was under Voldemort's order to get the secrets out of him huh. And if he refused to cooperate, Snape would be suffering for that. Without needing to think twice, he made his decision. So when Snape came back with a flask of colorless liquid, the Veritaserum, Harry gently shook his head. "Just prompt me on what you are interested in, I won't dream of wasting your precious flask of Veritaserum for this." Snape had to suppress a grin. Harry's pleasure of playing the hero made him an easy target for manipulation. But he put it in mind that he had to talk about this with Dumbledore someday. It just wouldn't do for Harry to be risking his life saving others when his head was worth so much.
How, Snape focused on the weary looking Harry sitting in front of him. Harry had partially let down his mask, it wouldn't make sense for him to look indifferent when he was supposed to be relieving memories of being abused. "So, tell me, when did all this start?" Snape's question pulled Harry's wandering mind back to reality. "Huh?" Harry blinked, "oh, since I have memory, I guess." Snape inhaled.
"And, what exactly did they do?" "Well, you saw them through my memories, they weren't being exactly nice. They leave me to do all the chores, starve me, and treat me as a boxing cushion to vent their anger on, but other than that, it's fine. Not like it's life-threatening anyway," Harry shrugged. "Fine huh? Would you mind holding up your pants?" Snape asked softly while Harry visibly shrank.
Before Harry could reject or run away, Snape took hold of Harry's robes and trousers beneath, and gently rolled it up. Snape's touch was much more tender than Harry's expectation, and he seemed too stunned by the gesture of his Potions Master to give any reaction other than gape. When Snape had a full view of Harry's thigh, he inhaled sharply, again. Other than the 'FREAK' scar he saw in the memories, there were a few more, stating 'RUBBISH', 'USELESS' and 'UNWORTHY'. "Did your relatives often address you as...with these words? Snape asked cautiously. It wasn't usual for him to be lost for words, but he had enough experience of being abused and treating abused kids to know that mental abuse almost always brought longer and deeper damage.
"They never call me by my name, it's always some not so nice words. But…" Harry bit his lips as he thought about the nightmares he had previous nights "they were quite right about it too, I'm only a incompetent, useless freaks who brings trouble and misfortunes to others." Harry was shaking uncontrollably now, and was trying to fight back tears that welled in his eyes. Saying those thoughts out loud made it seem so concrete and factual, there's no room for denial. "I'm a burden," Harry thought soberly to himself, as if admitting defeat to the internal battle he had been having all year. Harry's dam broke, and he could no longer contain his sobs. Without knowing, he clung on Snape for comfort while crying his heart out, something he had never done since five.
Snape knew the words had prickled Harry, but he never realized it had hurt him so deep. Looking at the sobbing, wounded bot in front of him, he couldn't steel his heart to push him away. Instead, he patted the boy on his back, gently caressing his nest of black hair. Snape had not shown compassion to any emotions through physical contact, not even with Lily, but oddly, it felt right, or rather, nice. After several minutes of melt down, Harry started to get a grasp on his emotions again. Shocked beyond words for finding himself cuddling the cruel, heartless Potions Master, he pulled away immediately. When he spoke again, he looked at Snape in his eyes with a mixture of awkwardness and defiance. "That's my story, just go and tell your master and feel free to join the Death Eaters laughing at me." Snape felt guilty and opened his mouth to tell Harry the truth before he heard Harry add softly, "maybe you won't get hurt because of me again next time."
"Oh, Harry. The only reason I'm discussing this ordeal with you is because I truly care for you. True, the Dark Lord asked for information but that was after I volunteered to get close with you. You know, I never hated you, nor did I liked you in the past. I always refrained myself from showing emotions to you because I could endanger both me and you. . Don't interrupt me yet," Snape ordered, when Harry tried to get a word in between. "Now that the Dark Lord sees our relationship as a conspiracy for me to worm your weaknesses out of you, there is no such fear. When I saw your past, I saw that we are so alike, and I couldn't resist the urge to offer help. From my memories you saw without permission, you must have gathered that I was an abused teen too?" Harry nodded. "I would like to share my feelings about that past with you. Are you a willing audience?" When Harry nodded again, Snape proceeded to talk about the misery of being treated as rubbish, and the happiness when he found he was useful for the order, fighting for a better cause.
"Harry, bought the wizarding world thirteen years of peace when you were a baby, and delayed the return of the Dark Lord for four consecutive years. You still deem yourself as useless, then who are we? Me? Black? Lupin? Or even Dumbledore? Give yourself some recognition, you truly deserve it." When Harry nodded for the final time that day, he felt his heart become lighter. Of course he knew all the facts, but listening to them from the mouth of Snape, it's just so consoling.