Beca stood in front of the mirror, tugging gently at the edge of her jacket as stared at herself in her Service Dress, not a hair out of place as it sat fastened in a tight bun on the back of her head. It had been a long time since she'd worn this and it had fit a little better at the time, hanging a little loser around her shoulders and obviously the left leg of her pants clung a little awkwardly to the prosthetic. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she felt her hands begin to shake a little. Today was going to be hell.
It had been a week since they had discussed funeral arrangements and now… well now they actually had to do it. They had to face the fact that Chicago really was gone and he wasn't coming back. Chloe had agreed to come to the funeral in theory, but Beca was worried about whether it would work in practice. Chloe had been out of her room a lot more lately, coming downstairs to eat and to watch tv, she had made lunch a few times and would bring Beca a coffee when she was making one for herself, it was all a sign that perhaps things were going to get a little easier. But at the same time, Chloe still had these vacant looks and long stretches of isolation on her own, and she still could barely look at Emma.
Sighing softly, Beca picked up her cap and headed next door to Chloe's room, knocking softly as she gently pushed the door open a little.
"Chloe can I come in?"
"Yeah." Chloe's voice was soft and a little thick as Beca pushed the door all the way open, finding Chloe sat on the end of her bed in a black dress and cardigan, hands clasped in her lap and eyes on the floor.
"You okay?" Beca winced a little as Chloe scoffed, "Sorry, stupid question."
"Just a little." Chloe sniffed softly, lifting her head to look at Beca, eyes widening a little as she saw Beca, "Wow… I know you were in the army I just… I guess I never really knew it until now. You look so… put together."
Beca chuckled softly as she tugged at the edge of her jacket again, "Yeah, I can scrub up nicely when I want to."
"Chicago always looked so smart in his…" Chloe smiled softly, tucking her hair behind her ears, "He hated it, but he looked good in it."
"We all do." Beca walked over and sat on the bed next to Chloe, "But we do as we're told and wear it when we have to."
"You never struck me as the kind of person that liked doing as she was told…" Chloe mumbled, a smirk tugging at her lips as Beca laughed softly.
"You got me there." Beca grinned, "But Chicago? Man, I'd have followed that guy anywhere and done everything he'd asked me too. In an environment like that you have to be able to trust your CO, but it was more than that with him… it was more than a job to him, you knew that he'd put his life on the line for you not because it was his job, but because he cared about you."
"That sounds like him." Chloe hummed softly, pressing her shoulder into Beca's a little. There was a quiet, almost comfortable pause as they sat next to each other.
"Are you up for this Chloe?" Beca turned her head to look at Chloe, a concerned look on her face, "Because if you're not, I'd understand. So would Jack and Belinda."
"I'm okay." Chloe looked at Beca, taking her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, "Thank you. But I'm okay right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of going… but I- I think I can do this."
"Okay." Beca nodded with a soft smile, "Then… the car will be here any minute. We should go downstairs and wait."
Chloe nodded, taking a deep breath and getting to her feet, smoothing her skirt with her hands, "Will um… will you get Emma?"
"Yeah. I dressed her earlier, she's all ready to go."
Beca could feel Chloe shaking as she sat next to her, Chloe gripping her hand tightly. Beca's other arm was wrapped around Emma's waist, holding her on her right knee. It was already shaping up to be a long day, and being sat here in the cold was doing nothing to help the mood of the mourners. Beca wasn't really listening to the priest as he conducted the ceremony, her eyes on the coffin in front of her.
It still seemed unfathomable to her that Chicago was in there, that her best friend was gone and this was all that was left. He was a huge presence, in personality and in size, and this box? It seemed too small to contain it. This was the man that had carried her from hell, who had rescued her and brought her home, who had sat by her bed and been with her through the worst time in her life. How could she do anything without him? Without being able to pick up the phone and call him when she needed some advice?
Beca groaned softly as her eyelids fluttered open. She felt heavy, lethargic, woozy… where was she? She was lay on her back, but this wasn't the interrogation room, her hands were free and the bed was comfortable, it couldn't be.
"Beca?"
She felt a hand squeeze hers gently and she turned her head towards the voice, licking her dry lips. Chicago. She hadn't dreamt it. He really had come to rescue her, he'd gotten her out of there.
"Hey Becs, how are you feeling?" He smiled softly at her, Beca frowning softly as she tried to swallow and felt her throat burn.
"Crappy." Beca croaked, "Water?"
"Ice chips." Chicago got up to get her some, "Nurses orders, and even I'm not brave enough to go against an ICU nurse."
Beca smirked a little as she winced at the pain that fluttered through her, gratefully accepting the ice chips that were offered to her.
"ICU? We're not in Iraq anymore?" Beca mumbled, already starting to feel a little better.
"Nah, New York. We flew you guys home where you'd be comfortable." Chicago sat next to Beca again, taking her hand in his again.
"I'm home?" Beca whispered, tears in her eyes as she leaned back into her pillows.
"Yeah Becs, you're home now." Chicago nodded as he squeezed her hand, "It's over."
"How's Stacie?" Beca pushed back against her tears, turning her head to look at Chicago.
"She's okay." Chicago smiled warmly, "She's next door but she's getting discharged in a little while. You were both really dehydrated and malnourished, broken bones and things, but she's alright now. She's going home with Bella and Aubrey, you should see that kid Becs she's gorgeous. I'll make sure Stacie brings her by sometime."
"I'm not going home today?" Beca frowned, "Why- why does she get to go home and I don't?"
"It's- your condition is a little more serious Beca." Chicago sighed softly, "This is the first time you've been awake since I pulled you out in Iraq. Your injuries were severe, way worse than Stacie's… you really do have a knack for pissing people off don't you?"
"What can I say?" Beca shrugged, a smirk tugging at her lips once more, "Some people just don't get me."
Chicago chuckled, shaking his head a little, "You can say that again. Your left leg… from the knee down it was basically sawdust. The bone that was left had punctured the skin and they hadn't cleaned it, you had a really nasty infection that you're still fighting off. We didn't have a choice Beca."
"What… what are you saying?" Beca frowned, trying to sit up in bed but wincing again as pain rolled through her.
"I'm so sorry Beca. They had to amputate your leg above the knee. It was killing you and there was no way to save it, the damage had been too severe for too long."
"No." Beca shook her head a little, "No, they can't do that. I- I need my leg, no-"
"Beca it's already done." Chicago squeezed her hand a little tighter, "I am so sorry, I did everything I could to find you guys but that base was underground and the second they grabbed you guys they disappeared into it and I- I'm sorry."
"How long were we there?" Beca whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks.
"Beca-"
"How LONG Chicago?" Beca grunted, wincing as her ribs throbbed and her head pounded.
"Three weeks." He shook his head, running his free hand through his hair, "I'm sorry, I got there as-"
"Stop." Beca shook her head, "I know you did everything. I know you. It's just- it's my leg man… what- what am I supposed to do without my leg?"
Beca's voice broke as she bit her lip, looking down the bed and seeing the way her left leg ended far higher than it had before. She took a deep shuddering breath, starting to sob as her chest tightened. That was her leg, she NEEDED her leg, how could she have let them take that from her? They had been so hellbent on breaking her, and she had held on for so long… why did they get to take something so fundamental from her after she had fought so hard?
Beca barely registered it as the bed shifted, Chicago climbing up next to her and gently easing his arms around her as he made sure not to hurt her anymore than she already had been. He held her close as she sobbed heavily into his chest, every single tear that she had held back over the last three weeks flooding out as she tried to make sense of what was happening to her, of WHY it had happened to her.
"You're okay Becs. I've got you." He mumbled into her hair, "Whatever it takes, whatever you need, I've got you, I promise. You will never go through this alone, I swear."
Beca clenched her jaw against the tears threatening to run down her cheeks, feeling Chloe's hands squeeze hers tighter as a soldier knelt in front of her and handed her the folded flag. Beca released her hand so she could take it from him, putting her hand on her shoulder instead.
She was going through this alone now. She had to be there for Chloe, like Chicago had been there for her. She had her. No matter what, she had her. She'd made a promise to him and she would fight till her dying breath to honour it. The funeral came to a close with a twelve gun salute, Beca gently shushing Emma quietly as she began to fuss, not really understanding what was happening but afraid of the loud noises.
As the coffin was lowered Chloe's head dropped forward, sobbing as she covered her mouth to muffle the sound. Beca's nostrils flared as she fought harder against her tears, hand squeezing Chloe's shoulder even tighter as her thumb rubbed across it, trying to give her some level of comfort. How could she really, in the face of all of this? When her best friend was being lowered into the ground, gone for good, nothing any of them could do about it.
Beca wished there was something she could do about it. She wished she could go back in time somehow and prevent all of this. Switch places with him and give Chloe the family she had wanted, the friend she wanted to be by her side. But she couldn't, so instead she would do her best to be everything Chloe needed for as long as she was able to.
The crowd began to disperse around them and head towards the reception room for the wake, Chloe still firmly planted on her seat as she sobbed heavily. Beca wrapped her arm around her shoulders, smiling gratefully at Jack as he took the grizzling Emma from her so she could put her other arm around Chloe as she buried her face in her shoulder. Beca stroked her hair, not saying a word as she held her close and let Chloe feel everything she needed to right now. She didn't need to be quietened, or reassured, or told that everything was going to be okay. She just needed to feel and to grieve, and Beca could do that for her.
"I- I can't believe h-he's really gone." Chloe wept, clinging to Beca's jacket for dear life as Beca continued to just hold her, "I-I really t-thought that- that there was a chance he m-might-"
"I know." Beca mumbled, sniffing softly, "Me too Chloe. Me too."
"I- I wanna g-go home." Chloe stammered as she pulled back from Beca, wiping at her face as she cleared her throat, "I can't- I thought I'd be able to do all of this, but I- I can't do this, the wake I-"
"It's okay." Beca shook her head a little, "You don't have to do it, you can go home if that's what you need."
"I- Will you come with me?" Chloe asked her, eyes wide as she pleaded with her.
Beca hesitated. She wanted to stay, she had missed every other funeral for her squad and she'd seen some of their partners at the funeral, as well as Aubrey and a wheelchair bound Stacie who had gotten a day pass from the hospital to be here. She needed this, but she couldn't be selfish when Chloe needed her.
"I'll come with you Chloe." Belinda cut in before Beca could agree. She knew that Beca would need this too, and quite honestly she didn't feel up to an afternoon of people giving her pitying looks.
"Are you sure?" Beca frowned softly, not wanting Belinda to make this sacrifice for her if she wanted to stay here.
"Yeah." Belinda nodded, giving Chloe's shoulder a squeeze, "Would that be okay Chloe?"
"Y-yeah." Chloe nodded a little, sniffing, "Yeah that's okay. S-sorry I just- I don't wanna go home alone right now…"
"It's okay, you have nothing to apologise for." Beca shook her head a little, "I get it. Will you guys take Emma home too? She won't want to be here all afternoon."
"Of course." Belinda nodded, taking Emma from Jack and cooing softly at her for a moment, "Let's get you both out of the cold and into something more comfortable."
Chloe nodded softly, arms wrapped around herself as she walked with Belinda back to the car. Beca could have sworn for a moment that Chloe glanced at Emma and consider brushing her hair out of her eyes, but she shook it off. How could she possibly know what she was thinking or feeling, especially right now?
"Come on." Jack put his hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, "Let's go and get warm and get something to drink."
"Sounds like a plan to me sir." Beca managed a soft smile as she nodded.
"Beca please." Jack chuckled softly as they walked to the reception room, "We may both be in uniform but neither of us are serving officers anymore, just call me Jack. You're practically family anyway."
"I don't know if I could go that far." Beca smirked a little, "But I could try and stop calling you sir?"
"I think that could work." Jack nodded as they entered the room, "I'll go and get us a drink, is whiskey okay?"
"More than." Beca nodded, hesitating after Jack walked away. She had wanted to stay, but now she was here Beca didn't know what to do with herself. Fortunately, she didn't have to wait too long before someone found her and made the decision for her.
"Hey Beca." Benji placed his hand on Beca's arm, smiling at her as she turned to him.
"Dr Appelbaum, hey." Beca smiled sadly at him.
"Oh please call me Benji, I am no-one's doctor here, I wouldn't know where to start believe me." Benji chuckled softly, giving Beca's arm a soft squeeze before letting it go.
"I don't think I would either." Beca chuckled softly, "I'm sorry I never made it to Sam's funeral, Chloe I-"
"You have nothing to apologise for." Benji shook his head, "Certainly not to me. Sam would've understood too, you were helping someone who needed you."
"Yeah, she's doing better but…" Beca shrugged a little, "I don't know, some days I feel like I'm not doing enough."
"You are doing more than enough." Benji reassured her, "Really Beca. You're going above and beyond, just go easy on yourself. This isn't a quick process, it's going to take time. Be a little kinder to yourself."
"You sure you're not here to treat anyone?" Beca raised an eyebrow and chuckled softly.
Benji shook his head with a grin, "Sorry, sometimes it's hard to turn it off. Sam used to say I get this shrink frown when I'm getting thoughtful."
"He was really proud of you y'know?" Beca smiled sadly, "Always bragging about his little brother the PhD."
"Really?" Benji's eyes filled with emotion as he grinned back at Beca.
"Oh yeah." Beca nodded, "Used to tell us he could get us all discount psych evals for when we needed them."
Benji snorted, shaking his head fondly, "That sounds like my brother. Always willing to hand out freebies and discounts from me. And I would as well y'know? Given all of you discounted psych evals if you'd asked. Anything for Sam and his squad."
"Maybe you'd have kept me in the army." Beca laughed bitterly, jaw clenching a little as Benji frowned softly.
"I don't think I would." Benji shook his head, "I know you must carry some guilt about not being there, but I think you were right where you needed to be. The likelihood of you changing anything that happened in Iraq is… minute. But if you had been there then you wouldn't have been here for Chloe. And when she had done something drastic, there would have been no-one to help her. I think you were exactly where you needed to be."
"Huh." Beca frowned thoughtfully, "I uh… I hadn't thought about it like that."
"Will you stop fussing?!"
The sound of a frustrated yell dragged them from their conversation, Beca's eyes falling on a frustrated Stacie and Aubrey who was backing away a little, tears in her eyes as she nodded.
"Sorry Benji, will you excuse me?"
Benji nodded as Beca pushed her way through the crowd to her friends, frowning softly. As she reached them, Beca gently put her hand on Aubrey's shoulder, noticing how exhausted she was as she turned to face her.
"I've got this. Go get a drink and sit down Aubrey, you look exhausted." Beca smiled softly, voice quiet as she watched Stacie just stare at her feet.
"I-" Aubrey started, the crack in her voice revealing the emotional pressure that she had been under.
"Aubrey, I know something about this. Just give me some time with her okay?" Beca pressed gently. Aubrey nodded softly, giving Beca a grateful and emotional smile as she walked away and towards a chair. Beca caught Jack's eye and nodded her head towards Aubrey to divert her drink to someone far more in need of it.
"Alright Stace. You and I are going to get some fresh air, come on."
Beca pushed Stacie's wheelchair outside, Stacie saying nothing as she seemed to curl into herself. They walked a little ways from the reception room to a bench that overlooked the cemetery, Beca parking Stacie next to it and taking a seat next to her. She took off her cap and set it next to her, pulling her hair out of the tight bun and shaking it to loosen the knots.
"God that's better. I swear, service dress is the bane of my existence." Beca chuckled softly, looking out at the view.
Stacie said nothing as she sniffed softly, hand balled in her lap as a tear streaked down her cheek. Beca didn't push her, just let the silence hang for a few minutes. She had been so wrapped up in Chloe and what she needed that Beca had almost forgotten that Stacie might need her too. Beca felt guilty about it but she pushed that aside for a minute. There would be time enough for her to reflect on this, Stacie needed her right now.
"Y'know when we were in that bunker, strung from the ceiling like- like meat… you were what got me through it." Beca still didn't turn to Stacie, not wanting to push her too hard, "You were so much stronger than I was, I didn't know you were afraid until we got back home and you told me. And then after that, in the hospital, you were there almost every day after you were discharged, even if it was only for an hour. Bella was a newborn but you still took the time to come and visit me, to make sure I was strong enough to pull through it."
Stacie sniffed again, not looking at Beca as she felt her hand rest on top of hers and give it a gentle squeeze. Beca watched Stacie carefully as she sighed softly.
"I'm sorry. I've been a crap friend since you came back, I got so involved with looking after Chloe that I forgot to look out for you too. But I'm here now Stace, I promise, I'm going to be here from now on. I know how lost you're feeling, how alone and terrifying everything seems when you're suddenly missing a limb. It's awful, and I'm sorry that you've had to do this for this long without someone that knows a little about what you're going through at your side."
"They're all dead." Stacie mumbled, hand shaking in Beca's, "It doesn't make any sense. I- Why am I here Beca?"
Stacie's head lifted to look at Beca at last, Beca's breath catching in her throat as she saw the hollow and despairing look in her eyes, tears running down her cheeks as Beca gave her hand a tighter squeeze and cupped her cheek with her other.
"I don't know. I wish I had an answer for you Stace, I really do." Beca shook her head a little, pursing her lips as she fought back her own tears, "But someone said to me recently that maybe we're exactly where we're meant to be, even if we don't understand why at this exact moment. It's crap and cliché I know, but Stacie… you've got a little girl that loves you with all her heart and she needs you in her life. You have a wife that is bending over backwards to help you, she loves you so damn much. You are meant to be here. With your wife, and your daughter, and me. Because I need you Stace, you are the one person left that gets me, the person that makes me feel strong when I'm wavering. You are where you're supposed to be and we're going to get each other through this."
Stacie's head dropped onto Beca's shoulder as she began to sob heavily. Beca turned a little so she could wrap her arms around Stacie, stroking her back as she held her. Stacie wept like the world was ending because in a way it was; the world she knew, where she was a soldier with four limbs, a wife and mother that needed no help from anyone was over. She was missing her arm, she was scarred all down her right side, she needed help to do the most basic of things, and she hadn't felt like a wife and mother in a long time. What use was she to them now?
"I don't know what to do Becs." Stacie whispered as her sobs subsided into quiet cries, "I- I don't know how to do this. The amputation's so high… the prosthetics they're so complicated, I wouldn't… how am I supposed to do anything by myself anymore? How am I supposed to be anything but a burden to Bree and Bella? What's the point of fighting anymore?"
An odd sense of déjà vu spread through Beca as she sighed softly, stroking Stacie's hair as she held her. It was just like that night at the hospital.
"Hey Shortstack, how're you feeling?"
Beca sniffed softly as Stacie walked into her hospital room, pulling her blankets up higher as she curled into the smallest ball she could manage. The pain meds she was on masked most of the pain in her body but it still ached as she rolled onto her side. She didn't want to be seen right now, she just wanted everyone to leave her alone.
"The doctors say you're refusing any more antibiotics and getting you to take pain meds is an uphill battle." Stacie frowned softly, sitting next to Beca who sighed heavily, not saying a word as she held the blankets tight in her hands and under her chin.
"It's not like you Becs, you're a fighter, I know you. You don't give up, look at the last three weeks… let them help you, take the antibiotics and get back up again-"
Beca snorted as she shook her head, Stacie frowning deeper at the hollow bitterness in Beca's eyes as she looked up at her, "Get up again? You're kidding right?!"
"Becs, prosthetics have come a LONG way-" Stacie started, hand resting on Beca's shoulder.
"What's the point?" Beca whispered, "The rehab will take months and then… what? I'll be able to stagger from A to B before falling down. I'll be a burden on everyone, so what is the DAMN point Stacie?!"
"Do you remember what you said to me in the hospital when I asked you what the point of carrying on was?" Beca asked Stacie as she continued to hold her close. Stacie shook her head a little; it had been so long ago, and she was so damn tired…
"You said 'you need to stop trying to find a point, a reason for all this. Because there isn't one, and you will drive yourself insane trying to find it. You wanna know what the reason is for you to keep fighting? It's spite. I know you Mitchell, you thrive on spite, and you're gonna get up and fight this because it'll show those bastards that they cannot keep you down no matter what they do to you. So if you can't do it for your family because you're scared of being a burden, if you can't do it for yourself because that's too big and too abstract of a thing to do right now, then you do it to spite the people that put you here.'"
Stacie lifted her head to look at Beca, remembering that night well herself all of a sudden as Beca repeated her words back to her. She sniffed hard wiping at her cheeks with her hand as the slightest hint of a smile tugged at her lips.
"I remember now… I can't believe you still do." Stacie let her head rest on Beca's shoulder again with a soft sigh, "Spite huh? And that worked for you?"
"Look at me." Beca chuckled, "I think it's safe to say it worked wonders don't you?"
Stacie snorted, shaking her head a little, "I just… I shouldn't have snapped at Aubrey like that. She was helping straighten my t-shirt because it was riding up and I was cold, but it was under my right arm so it was at an awkward angle and I… I got frustrated and that isn't Bree's fault. She's trying so hard Beca."
"I can tell." Beca smiled softly, "It's like looking in a mirror, she's exhausted. I'm gonna help out more, especially when you start your rehab and PT, it's an exhausting and frustrating process and you'll need someone by your side that's been through it."
"I don't mean to exhaust her y'know?" Stacie mumbled, Beca squeezing her shoulders a little, "I don't remember the last time I saw her smile… I've seen what these burns look like, what I look like now and… what if she doesn't love me anymore? What if she can't love me when I'm covered in burn scars and missing an arm?"
"Oh Stacie, she loves you so much." Beca reassured her, "A little exhaustion is a small price to pay if it means she can help you out a bit. She knows that you're still the person she fell in love with, she doesn't care about these beyond what the physical effects are for you. Just be a little kinder to yourself, and to her… I know I'm not one to talk, I was a bitch for the first few months."
"Yeah you were." Stacie chuckled softly, "Remember that time you threw a bedpan at Chicago's head?"
"Oh god." Beca groaned, grinning a little as she shook her head, "In my defence he thought right after the doctor had told me it'd be another two weeks of laying up in bed to deal with the infection was a good time to tell me I needed to take a year out to recover… and it was empty."
"Oh because that makes it okay." Stacie rolled her eyes, "I um… I miss him. I keep thinking 'oh I'll call Chicago, he'll know what to do, what to say to make this all less shit' and then I remember… he's gone. I can't call him."
"I know." Beca sighed, "I would give anything to just have ten more minutes with him, ten more minutes just to put the world to rights one more time… I feel so lost sometimes and I just want him to be able to tell me how to fix it."
"I need to go back in don't I?" Stacie sighed softly, "I really need to apologise to Bree, it's just… they're all in there. Sam's brother, Jesse's wife, Bumper's girlfriend… I can feel them looking at me Becs."
"Me too." Beca nodded, "You can't help but feel like they're wondering why you're there and their loved ones aren't. But… I don't know, being here with them, I think it's what Chicago would've wanted, what they all would've. Leaving no man behind, supporting each other in grief… that'd make him so happy."
"You might have a point there Mitchell…" Stacie sniffed, looking up at Beca, "When did you get so damn smart?"
"It feels like a pretty recent thing." Beca mused, wiping away the tears on her cheeks as she gave Stacie's shoulders a squeeze, "Like in the last hour or so. I don't think it'll stick, so don't get used to it."
Stacie lifted her head from Beca's shoulder and straightened up, running her hand through her hair, "Okay. Let's do this."
"You've got this Conrad." Beca squeezed her hand again, "I'm so damn proud of you. We'll get through this, and I'll be there now, like I should've been from the start."
"Hey, stop that." Stacie shook her head a little, "Bree told me about Chloe, about what happened… of course you've been stuck to her side like glue."
"Still…" Beca smiled sadly, "I've got you Stace. Anything you need, anytime you need it, I've got you. I promise."
Stacie gave her a grateful smile as she squeezed Beca's hand tight. Beca got up and wheeled Stacie back inside, setting her next to a table and promising to go and fetch Aubrey immediately. She beelined for where Aubrey was sat, head in her hands.
"Hey." Beca put her hand on Aubrey's shoulder, smiling softly as Aubrey lifted her head, wiping at her face to remove the last traces of her tears.
"Oh um, hey. How's Stacie?"
"She's… struggling." Beca sighed a little, "But she'll be okay. It's a long road to recovery from here, but it's doable. And I'm going to be here for both of you from now on okay?"
"You promise?" Aubrey whispered, biting her lip a little as her voice cracked and tears began to run down her cheeks, "Because- I don't know how to help her. Everything I try makes her mad or upset or both and I- I feel like I'm failing her."
"You're not." Beca promised her, squeezing her hand, "I promise you you're not. Dealing with a soldier with PTSD and an amputation, especially in a situation like this when the rest of her squad is gone, it's not an easy thing to do. It's hell, for them and the people around them, trust me I've seen it. I've lived it. I should have been there for you guys more, I know that, and that's going to change from now on. But not because you're failing her, because I owe her this. She sacrificed so much for me when I was going through my own personal slice of hell, this is the least I can do for her. For both of you."
"I'm sorry." Aubrey shook her head, "I'm sorry, you have Chloe and Emma and-"
"Hey, stop it." Beca squeezed her hands tighter, "You have nothing to apologise for. There is no rule book for this, nothing that prepares you for the stress and the trauma of this. We'll help each other out. I know Chloe would love to see you, or anyone that isn't me for a change… and Jack and Belinda have to go back to Florida eventually. I'm going to need someone to help with Chloe whilst I go to my PT appointments and my therapy…"
"You- you haven't been going?" Aubrey frowned a little, "You're supposed to be going to those Beca."
"I know. But I didn't want to put anything on you, not right now. I should've checked in sooner than this, and I'm sorry you've been having to do this on your own. Never again okay? We'll tag team this, work together to get all of us through this." Beca rubbed her thumbs over the back of Aubrey's hands, pushing back against her own tears.
"Thank you." Aubrey smiled softly, "For talking to her, for… for promising to help. I'm sorry to put this on you today of all days."
"It's fine." Beca grinned, "It really is. I'm glad you did because now I can help you both, I've got you now. Go be with her, get you both a drink and just… be wives again for a moment rather than a patient and carer. You think you can do that?"
"Yeah." Aubrey nodded, sniffing again as she smiled softly, "Yeah I can do that."
"Keep wearing that smile yeah?" Beca squeezed Aubrey's shoulder as she walked past her, "See needs to see it."
Aubrey nodded, giving Beca another grateful look as she joined Stacie once more, kissing her forehead before taking a seat next her and moving her hair from her eyes as she smiled fondly at her. Stacie apologised to Aubrey, sniffing slightly as Stacie shook her head a little and kissed her again, promising her that there was no apology needed. Beca let out a soft sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose to stave off a headache as she sank into the seat that Aubrey had just been sitting in.
"Here." Jack passed Beca a glass of whiskey as she looked up, smiling warmly at her, "You just can't help looking after everyone but yourself can you?"
Beca chuckled softly, shaking her head a little, "They needed me. Stacie's all I have left from my old squad, we've been through hell together. I haven't stepped up for them like I should've done, and it's time I did. They need my help and I need theirs, you and Belinda have to go back to Florida at some point, I know that. This way I can help Stacie and Aubrey, and I'll have some extra help with Chloe when I need it."
"I can't argue with that." Jack grinned as he took a seat next to Beca, "You're doing really well Beca. Taking care of Emma and Chloe like you are doing, that takes some serious strength. You're making Chicago proud Beca, I hope you know that."
"You really think so?" Beca whispered, hand tightening around the whiskey glass in it, "I- I wanna do right by him. By his family. I loved him like a brother, he was the older one I always wanted." She shook her head as tears began to run down her cheeks, "I love Ryan to death and my mom but… I always wanted an older brother, someone to just take some of the stress away from me y'know?"
"He loved you too Beca, in the same way." Jack took Beca's free hand in his and squeezed it softly, "And he'd been blown away by how hard you're working for them all. Just… take it easy okay? Just every once in a while, for your sake and theirs."
"I'll try." Beca nodded, sniffing a little, "I miss him so much… I don't know how to do this without him, he was… he was the one person that made things make sense when I was falling apart. I don't want him to be gone."
"Me neither Beca." Jack shook his head, squeezing her hand again, "Me neither."
Beca returned home a few hours later, numb and exhausted. Belinda had met Jack at the door and they had gone back to their hotel together immediately, both of them needing each other and some quiet to be in their grief over their son.
Beca sighed heavily as she walked into the living room, expecting to find it empty as she headed to the kitchen but instead finding Chloe sat on the couch. That in itself would have been a huge step after such an emotionally exhausting day but the thing that made Beca stop in her tracks and tears well in her eyes was what Chloe held in her arms.
Emma.
Fast asleep, her head in the crook of Chloe's neck, her mom's arms resting around her completely at ease.
"You- you're holding her?" Beca grinned, biting her lip a little as tears began to roll down her cheeks.
"I'm holding her." Chloe nodded, her own eyes glittering with emotion, "We got home and she was fussing and I just- I just took her from Belinda without a second thought. I haven't put her down since."
Beca shook her head a little, beaming from ear to ear, "Chloe this- it's been such a shit day but this? This is amazing… I'm so proud of you."
"I'm gonna put her in bed, would you mind making us a coffee?" Chloe beamed at Beca as she carefully got to her feet trying not to wake Emma, "And Beca?"
"Yeah?" Beca asked, still grinning.
"Thank you. For being so patient and for… for being proud of me."
"You don't have to thank me." Beca shook her head, heading to the kitchen as Chloe went upstairs with Emma.
When Chloe came back downstairs she found the living room empty and went into the kitchen. She found Beca stood at the counter staring at the wall, her hands shaking slightly as they rested on the unit.
"Beca? You okay?"
Beca didn't say anything but her head dropped forward, shoulder's wracking as she began to sob, a hand covering her mouth to stifle the sound. Chloe went to her, pulling Beca into her arms before her legs went out from underneath her. She managed to lead Beca to the couch and stroked her head as Beca buried her head in her lap, convulsing from the force of her sobs as Chloe held her tighter.
"You're okay. I've got you. Just let it out Becs." Chloe mumbled, letting Beca finally let her grief out for the first time since it had all happened. She had been looking out for her and Emma the entire time, it was about time that she finally felt her emotions.
Beca cried for a good twenty minutes before she sat up again, sniffling as she wiped at her face, sinking back into the sofa.
"Sorry." She whispered, smiling softly at Chloe, "I uh… I don't know where that came from."
"You haven't felt a single emotion since you found me on the bathroom floor." Chloe shook her head a little, smiling warmly, "You have put so much time and effort into me and Emma that you just haven't had a minute to breathe. I think seeing me with Emma, seeing that maybe… maybe things are going to get better, it just caused it all to rush to the surface,"
"You really are engaging with therapy huh?" Beca chuckled, shaking her head a little, "What made you pick up Emma today?"
"I don't know." Chloe shrugged, "It's like the… block that was in-between us, it was buried with him today. I guess I just wanted to take what I had left of him and hold on it. I don't want her to grow up with me at arm's length. I want her to be able to come to me with whatever she needs, whenever she needs it. So I put it aside and I held her and… it wasn't scary anymore."
"That's really great Chloe." Beca nodded, grinning as she squeezed her hand, "Y'know, I think we might just get through this Beale."
"Me just might Mitchell." Chloe laughed softly, "We just might."