Beca and Chloe were indeed getting through it together. The time seemed to fly by as they fell into a comfortable routine; Beca would get up and feed Emma and make breakfast for her and Chloe whilst Chloe took a shower, Beca and Chloe would trade off playing with Emma and doing housework or running errands, Chloe would make them all lunch and then settle Emma for a nap, Beca would get her up and bathe her whilst Chloe made dinner and then after a relaxing evening, both would put her to bed.
Beca and Chloe found themselves alone for several hours of the day when Emma was napping or asleep for the night, and the more time they spent with each other, the more they learnt about each other beyond their traumas. They had a shared love of music, they both grew in the Pacific Northwest (Beca in Seattle, Washington; Chloe in Portland, Oregon), they both took classes at NYU before all this happened. Getting to know each other had proved good for them; whereas once they had lived in a kind of Cold War tension in the house, there now existed an almost homely vibe, comfortable with each other for the first time in the seven months since they had met.
That wasn't to say there weren't bad days. Chloe still struggled with her mental health, still had her days when she could barely get out of bed. Beca would bring her whatever she needed, move Emma and her toys into Chloe's room, have Roxie go and sit with Chloe whilst Emma was napping and she was busy with things she had to do. Beca was getting better at asking Aubrey for help too, not just when she had PT or therapy sessions to attend, or helping her with Stacie's recovery; Beca was also taking time off for herself and making sure she wasn't burning herself out again either. Stacie and Aubrey were doing better too, Stacie having been discharged to outpatient services not long after the funeral and beginning to learn how to function with only one arm.
It had been decided that Emma's first Christmas would be lowkey, given everything that had happened that year, and that Beca would be staying with them rather than making her usual trip back to Seattle to see her mom and Ryan, Beca still a little uneasy about leaving Chloe on her own despite her progress in the last month (although that was arguably more due to her own unresolved guilt than Chloe herself). Beca knew that she would miss her family over Christmas, but she had been around Chloe and Emma for so long that they were starting to feel like family and the prospect of the holidays was a little less daunting in that respect.
It was Christmas Eve and Beca was currently trying to dissuade Chloe from putting the Christmas jumper that she had bought specially for her on Roxie.
"Dude, she's a dog, she doesn't need a Christmas jumper!"
"No-one needs a Christmas jumper Beca, but they all want one!" Chloe's smile was bright as she held up the red jumper with a green trim, Beca raising an eyebrow at what was written on it, "And look how cute it is!"
"Santa Paws? Really?" Beca rolled her eyes, "It's not bad enough that you want to put a jumper on her, you had to find one with the laziest pun I have ever seen on it?"
"It's adorable, c'mon Becs just let me put it on her, she'll love it!" Chloe pouted a little causing Beca to sigh as she masked the way her heart soared at hearing Chloe call her Becs. She'd come so far from where she was, even in the span of just a month, and the familiarity and comfortable way that they interacted now just went to show that.
"I'm telling you, she'll hate it!" Beca couldn't help the smirk that crept onto her face, "But if you want to try, be my guest."
Beca watched as Roxie looked at Chloe quizzically as she approached with the jumper. It took very little manoeuvring to get Roxie into the jumper, Roxie panting happily and wagging her tail as she sat proudly in her new jumper, Chloe grinning at Beca in triumph.
"What did I tell you, she loves it!" Chloe ruffled Roxie's fur and scratched her head, "Don't you girl? Yes you do!"
A knock came at the front door as Beca rolled her eyes at both Chloe and Roxie as she went to answer it, "Traitor." She grumbled, smirking to herself.
Beca opened the door, missing the excited glint in Chloe's eyes as she scooped Emma into her arms from where she had been babbling happily to herself whilst playing with her Duplo bricks. Beca's jaw dropped as she saw who was on the other side, finding herself immediately swept into a warm embrace.
"Mom?! What're you doing here?!" Beca hugged her mother back tightly, beaming from ear to ear.
"You didn't think I'd let you get out of spending Christmas with me that easily did you?" Erica Mitchell chuckled, pulling back a little so she could cup Beca's face in her hands, "You look tired, are you sleeping okay?"
"I'm fine mom." Beca rolled her eyes a little as Erica continued to look her over in a way only a mother could, "Really, I'm fine! How did you get here?"
"By plane. Obviously."
Beca looked over her mom's shoulder, grinning at her teenage brother as he smirked back at her. She gave her mom's hand an affectionate squeeze as she moved them from her face and pulled Ryan into her arms, Ryan protesting a little.
"Oh please dude, you're not too cool to hug your sister." Beca chuckled, Ryan sighing dramatically but hugging her tightly for a moment.
"Alright, get off." Ryan groaned, Beca rolling her eyes as she pulled back and ruffled his hair, "Hey!"
"Seriously, how did you guys get here?" Beca was beaming at her family as Chloe watched from the living room doorway, leant gently against the frame with an endearing look on her face.
"Your new friend invited us for the holidays." Erica nodded towards Chloe, Beca turning to face her with a shocked but broad grin on her face.
"You've done so much for me and Emma." Chloe shrugged a little as Beca struggled to find her words, "It's the least I could do, with a little help from Jack and Belinda."
"Chlo…" Beca grinned, shaking her head a little, "I- thank you. Seriously, this is… it's so kind of you."
Chloe smiled warmly at her, Emma reaching out for Beca with a wide grin on her face, "Beca, Beca!"
Emma had started talking a few weeks ago, and had gotten the hang of three words: "Momma", "Beca" and "toast" (the third was a mystery to Beca and Chloe, but was no less amusing when she would point to something she wanted and loudly yell "toast!"). Beca still found herself getting a little emotional every time Emma would say her name, that she was so important to her that her name was one of the first things she had ever learnt to say. She gently lifted Emma from Chloe's arms into hers, giving Chloe's hand a grateful squeeze as she did. Chloe grinned at her before moving to greet Erica and Ryan properly.
"Hey, I'm Chloe, I'm so glad you guys made it!" She offered her hand to Erica who shook it, grinning warmly at her.
"Thank you so much for inviting us." Erica beamed at Chloe, "It's so good to finally put a face to your name after all your emails."
Chloe offered her fist to Ryan for a fist bump and he looked at her with the same level of sarcasm and disbelief as his sister often would, Chloe unable to help herself giggling at the fact.
"Yeah so… I'm not gonna fist bump you." Ryan mumbled, eyebrow raised, "But it is nice to meet you."
"I told you fist bumping wasn't cool Chlo." Beca rolled her eyes at Chloe who pulled a face at her, inviting Erica and Ryan into the living room.
The rest of the night passed in a happy blur until Erica and Ryan left for their hotel room, Beca soaking in the comfort of being around her family and finding herself doing the same thing she did every time she was around them; wondering why she didn't make more of an effort to go and see them. The answer was a simple one: Beca couldn't get on a plane for that long without breaking out in a cold sweat and having a panic attack; but that didn't mean she didn't wish things were different.
Still, having her mom here had eased Beca's guilt somewhat. She went back to Seattle at Christmas yes because they were her family and she missed them, but also she liked to check on them, to make sure that her mom was managing okay. It had been years since she had a serious depressive episode and both her mom and Ryan were thriving, but Beca had never quite been able to shake the gnawing worry that at any moment things would relapse and she'd have to swoop in again. Staying here to keep an eye on Chloe had meant that Beca couldn't make sure that things were okay with her mom in person, and that had bothered her a lot, but then Chloe had brought her here instead and Beca couldn't help but wonder if Chloe knew that she needed this in the same way that she needed to stay in New York this year.
On Christmas Day, Beca, Chloe and Emma were joined by Erica and Ryan, and Belinda and Jack, Beca surrounded by almost all the people that she would consider family, which after the year that she'd had was exactly the Christmas she needed. Chloe seemed to thrive surrounded by this many people as well, loving the opportunity to play hostess and focus on something that wasn't the horrific events of the last several months and her fragile mental state as a result of it. It was still a lot for her though, and once dinner had been eaten and everyone else had retired to the lounge, Emma settled for a nap by Beca, Chloe found herself shaking and struggling to push down a welling sense of panic.
It was ridiculous, she'd had a really good day, there was no reason for her to be having an anxiety attack right now. So why was she having to grip the edge of the kitchen sink, her ears beginning to ring, her heart in her mouth?
"Hey. It's okay, come and sit down."
Chloe felt two hands gently cup her forearms from behind and guide her over to the table to sit in a chair. As she sat down, breathing ragged, Chloe lifted her head to find Beca's mom smiling softly and kindly at her as she knelt in front of her and gripped her hands tight in order to ground her.
"Deep breaths Chloe. It's okay. You're okay." Erica's voice was soft and gentle, and Chloe realised it had the same effect on her as Beca's did when she was spiralling like this; it soothed her, wrapped around her like a blanket and helped her to come out of her spiral because she knew she was safe.
"I don't… I don't know why this is happening…" Chloe mumbled as her breathing started to even out, "I'm such a mess…"
"No you're not." Erica shook her head, "You've spent all day pushing the way you're feeling way down deep, and now you have a moment to yourself it's all swelling to the surface. It happens, it's normal."
Chloe sighed heavily as she slumped, elbows resting on her knees, holding her head in her hands. Erica squeezed her shoulder a little before getting up to pull a seat up next to Chloe and wrap an arm around her.
"I never used to be like this." Chloe whispered, "Really I didn't, I love Christmas, I love hosting things like this, but ever since Emma came along everything's been all… messed up. Not that I don't love Emma, god that sounded awful, that's not what I meant, I just-"
"I get it." Erica cut through Chloe's panicking with a soft chuckle and a squeeze of her waist, "It's not Emma that messed everything up, she just happened to coincide with everything that was messed up."
"Yeah." Chloe sighed, "I hate that. It has been the worst year of my life, and I don't want to associate that with Emma y'know?"
"I do." Erica nodded, "I love Ryan to death, but the first two years of his life? God they were horrendous… and sometimes when I'm having a really low day, I end up looking at him and remembering all of the crap things that happened. It's shit, but it's part of the postpartum depression parcel."
"Am I always going to be like this?" Chloe looked up at Erica, sadness making her eyes glitter, "Is it always going to be… lingering in the background like this?"
"It's not always going to be this intense." Erica mused, "Hell most days I forget it's there, there'll be weeks, months, hell years even where everything is fine and I'm not even thinking about everything that's gone wrong, but there's still days where I wake up and it's a chore to even get out of bed."
Chloe sagged slightly against Erica with a heavy sigh. Beca had entered the kitchen with a concerned look but Erica had gently waved her off. Beca did so much for Chloe, but right now Chloe needed someone who had lived this first hand to reassure her.
"I know that doesn't sound promising but it is Chloe." Erica smiled softly as she pulled Chloe into a gentle hug, "It gets so much easier to deal with, and with Beca helping you out? God you'll be better then you ever were!"
Chloe sniffed a little as a grin spread across her face, "I can't argue with that. She- she's been my rock, I wouldn't be here without her. You must be really proud of her."
"Oh I am, don't worry about that." Erica grinned, "I hate that I put all that on her shoulders when she was so young… but it seems to have worked out pretty well for you!" Erica laughed warmly as Chloe pulled back from her, wiping at her face with the back of her hand.
"My therapist has been saying that almost everything happens for a reason." Chloe smiled softly as she brushed her hair from her face, "Like… even if at the time it makes no sense at all, if it just seems terrible for no reason whatsoever, somewhere down the line you'll look back and it just… clicks. So yeah, Beca had it tough when she was young, but it meant that she was here to look after me when I needed, to- to save me… so thank you for that. For raising her to be the amazing person that she is to make sure that she was here to look after me and Emma."
Erica's eyes were bright with emotion, swallowing the lump in her throat as she took Chloe's hands in hers and giving them a tight squeeze.
"Thank you for that." She beamed, "I'm so glad she was here, that she's been able to help you through this. My Becs is one of a kind and I'm so proud of who she's grown up to be, but to know that I didn't screw her up completely, that she was able to help someone else… it means a lot."
Chloe grinned at Erica, "Definitely not. I wouldn't be able to do this without her."
"God, look at us getting all emotional at Christmas." Erica rolled her eyes a little at herself, "C'mon, I'll help you wash up and then we can go and drink wine with the others."
"Sounds like a good plan to me." Chloe giggled.
Later, when Beca had insisted that Chloe relaxed whilst she washed the last of the glasses, Erica joined her daughter in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen side with a soft smile on her lips and the last of a glass of wine in her hands.
"You are getting enough rest though Becs, right?"
"Yes mom." Beca rolled her eyes softly.
"I just worry about you." Erica nudged Beca with her shoulder, "What with you being on the other side of the country, and with all this happening… are your night terrors back?"
"Yeah, they were really bad for a while." Beca sighed a little, "But I got back into therapy and after the funeral I've been doing better."
Erica gently ran her hand into Beca's hair, moving it from her eyes, "I'm really proud of you Beca, of everything you've been doing lately. But you have to promise me that you're looking after yourself too."
"I am." Beca turned from the washing up to look at her mom, an eyebrow raised but her expression full of sincerity, "I swear I am. Aubrey comes over a lot to help out, I'm on top of my PT and my regular therapy and my meds. I can do this mom."
"I know you can." Erica cupped Beca's face in her hands, "I just worry that's all. I'm allowed to, I'm your mom, it's my job."
Beca laughed softly as she shook her head a little, "Doesn't make it any less annoying though."
"It's also my job to annoy you." Erica grinned, "That's the fun part of having kids."
Beca rolled her eyes, drying her hands with the tea towel before wrapping her arms around her mom's waist. Erica froze briefly at the unexpected show of affection from her daughter before returning the embrace, pulling Beca into her.
"I'm really glad you were here for Christmas." Beca mumbled, head resting on Erica's shoulder, "I needed this."
"I know baby." Erica pressed a soft kiss into Beca's hair, "You've had a really crap year, it's okay to need your mom after everything that's happened."
Chloe didn't rouse until late afternoon the next day, exhausted from a day of socialising after months of seeing no-one but Beca and Emma. She came downstairs to find Beca and Emma sat on the living room floor, Emma between Beca's legs as they worked together on one of the wooden puzzles that she had gotten her for Christmas. Roxie was on the sofa behind them, dozing with her head resting on Beca's shoulder.
The scene made Chloe's heart swell as she leant against the doorframe, watching fondly as Beca gently guided the puzzle piece away from Emma's mouth and pointed at the spot where it needed to go. Watching Beca play with her daughter like it was the most natural thing in the world had gradually become one of Chloe's favourite things to do. There was something about it that made her feel warm and tingly, that seemed so natural. It was a far cry from the fear and the anger she used to feel when she saw Beca with Emma, and Chloe welcomed it.
Emma was garbling happily, haphazardly slotting pieces into place, only stopping when she noticed Chloe watching them.
"Momma!" Emma reached towards her, Beca lifting her head to grin at Chloe as she approached them and scooped Emma into her arms.
"Hey, sleep well?"
"Yeah." Chloe nodded as she kissed Emma's cheek, "Thanks for taking her so that I could lie in."
"Of course." Beca shrugged, Roxie grumbling a little as the action woke her up, "You worked really hard yesterday, and it's the least I could do after you brought my mom here."
"I did that as a thank you, you don't owe me anything for it." Chloe raised her eyebrow, amusement in her expression as she shook her head a little.
"I know." Beca grinned warmly, "But I'm still really grateful. Thank you Chloe."
Chloe simply grinned back, her attention turning to the cooing Emma in her arms. When Emma had been down for a nap later on, Chloe brought Beca a coffee and settled herself on the couch next to her. There was still a distinguishable gap between them, but as perhaps a side effect of them growing closer with each other emotionally and mentally, Beca and Chloe often found themselves physically closer as well.
Beca gave Chloe a grateful smile as she cupped her coffee in her hands, the two of them sitting in comfortable silence for a moment before Chloe sighed softly.
"You okay?" Beca frowned softly as she turned to look at Chloe.
"Yeah." Chloe nodded a little, "Yeah I am. It's been a really nice Christmas. It's just…"
"It's not the same without Chicago." Beca filled in the blank for Chloe who was waving vaguely.
"Exactly…" Chloe mumbled, "Which isn't to say that I haven't had a really great time with you and your mom and Ryan!"
"I know." Beca reassured Chloe, placing a gentle hand on Chloe's arm, "But that doesn't mean there isn't this void where he should be."
Chloe sighed again as she leant against Beca, head resting on her shoulder, "I really miss him. He loved Christmas."
"Yeah I know." Beca grinned, fighting against the blush that rose on her cheeks and the way her body stiffened at Chloe's touch, "That Christmas we were out in the desert he found this fake snow machine and decorated a cactus like a Christmas tree…" Beca was laughing fondly at the memory, "It was a pretty good holiday all things considered."
"I remember that." Chloe chuckled, "He sent home so many photos of his Christmas set up, he was so proud of it."
"It's okay to miss him y'know?" Beca moved her arm around Chloe's shoulders without even thinking about it.
"I just don't want you to think I'm not grateful you're here." Chloe looked up at Beca with a warm smile, "Because I really am."
"I'm glad I'm not annoying anymore." Beca grinned.
"Oh no you definitely are." Chloe giggled, "But it's bearable now."
"Gee thanks." Beca snorted, their eyes meeting as they shared the same look of bemusement.
There was a quiet moment as they looked at each other, Chloe curled into Beca's side as they just soaked in this feeling of comfort in each other's presence. It was Chloe who cleared her throat a little and pulled back, a shy look crossing her face as her cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink.
"I'm gonna check on Emma and get in the shower, is that okay with you?"
"Of course." Beca nodded, trying to ignore the way her heart pounded in her chest.
"Merry Christmas Beca." Chloe's tone was soft as she turned to look back at Beca.
"Merry Christmas Chlo."
They had a quiet week following Christmas and when New Years Eve rolled around Beca and Chloe decided they just wanted a quiet night in.
"Honestly I don't know if I'll even make it to midnight." Beca shrugged, stood next to Chloe as they did the washing up together.
"Tell me about it." Chloe laughed softly, "Are we old now, is that what this is?"
"Hey speak for yourself." Beca snorted, nudging Chloe with her shoulder, "I'm still young and spritely thank you. I've just had a long year, I'm allowed to be tired."
"Spritely?" Chloe raised her eyebrow, "You're 'spritely' now?"
"Oh shut up." Beca smirked, blushing a little, "It was the first word that popped into my head."
Chloe simply giggled at Beca, her attention returning to the washing up in front of her as Beca walked over to where Emma was cooing in her highchair. She stole a look at Beca, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she watched Beca scoop her daughter into her arms, holding her over her head as Emma giggled and cooed at the way Beca would swoop her through the air. She was so good with her, Chloe was so lucky to have her. They both were.
Chloe cleared her throat quietly as she caught herself staring, and not for the first time. She had to stop doing that, it would weird Beca out. She didn't know why she kept staring at Beca, why her heart was fluttering so much in her chest lately whenever she was around lately but it worried her. She thought she'd moved past being nervous around Beca, past the fear that made her chest tighten and her palms sweat. Chloe longed for the days when she was able to be around people and it not cause her to feel anxious and sweaty.
Beca was having a rough day, sleep had been alluding her for the last week or so and on the rare occasions she did manage to drift off she was awake within half an hour because of the terrifying images in her mind. She wasn't sure what had triggered this particularly bad string of night terrors, but it had left her on edge and exhausted, the slightest noise making her jump and her mouth go dry. Chloe had noticed this and had been making sure that Beca was resting, even if she wasn't sleeping, and doing most of the stuff around the house and with Emma that needed doing. Whether Beca had noticed that Chloe was taking the burden off her didn't matter to Chloe, the important thing was that Chloe was able to do that for her now.
At quarter to midnight Chloe glanced over at where Beca was curled up on the end of the sofa and realised she had indeed not made it to midnight, snoring lightly with her legs tucked up underneath her, Roxie's head in her lap. Chloe smiled fondly and got off the sofa as quietly as she could manage, taking the blanket that was draped over the armchair and tucking it around Beca to make sure she'd be warm enough.
"Happy New Year Beca." Chloe whispered, fingers ghosting gently over Beca's cheek before she caught herself again.
Chloe shook her head a little as she made her way to the stairs as a loud bang echoed around them. It made Chloe start and roll her eyes as she realised that one of her neighbours must have gotten their hands on some fireworks but she thought nothing more of it until an arm wrapped around her waist and a hand clapped over her mouth, Chloe finding herself pulled tight into Beca's arms.
"You have to be quiet Chloe." Beca's urgent whisper in Chloe's ear did nothing to dissuade the panic rising in Chloe's chest but it did bring her a sense of realisation, "They're here, you have to be quiet."
Chloe knew what had happened; the loud bang and pop of the firework had woken Beca up whilst she was having a night terror and it had caused her brain to convince that they were in Iraq and in danger rather than safe at home in New York. Chloe had been through this once with Chicago a couple of years ago when a particularly difficult tour had left him with horrendous nightmares and a car had backfired as it had gone past the house. Chloe knew how to deal with this.
"I have to get us out of here." Beca whispered, her grip still impossibly tight around Chloe who was putting up no fight so she didn't freak Beca out anymore than she already was, "I won't let them hurt you. I- I just have to get us out of here."
Chloe moved with Beca as she headed towards the kitchen, offered very little choice in the matter with Beca's grip so vice like around her. Another loud bang and whistle sounded and as Beca lept in fright her grip slackened, Chloe wriggling from her grip quickly and turning both of them so that Beca was the one now pressed against Chloe. Her arms wrapped tightly around Beca's shoulders, trapping her arms by her side as Chloe turned herself into a koala, legs wound tight around Beca's waist. Beca was struggling against her but Chloe held on, her forehead pressed against Beca's temple.
"You're okay Beca." Chloe mumbled into her ear, "You're in New York, it's New Year's Eve, they're just fireworks. You are safe. It's just you, me and Emma. There's no-one else here. No-one is going to hurt you I promise. You're okay Beca."
Chloe repeated herself over and over as Beca squirmed in her grip, trying to free herself as another firework screeched above them.
"No, you don't understand!" Beca cried, "You don't know them, they'll hurt you, let me go! I have to get us out!"
"No-one can hurt us Beca." Chloe shook her head a little, her voice remaining soft as she clung to Beca's trembling frame, using the same deep pressure techniques that she had learnt to help Chicago to try and ground Beca, "We're safe in our home. They're just fireworks, I promise you there's no-one here to hurt you. You're okay Beca."
Beca seemed to struggle less and less as her breathing finally started to even out and grow deeper. Chloe still held her tightly but sensed Beca beginning to calm even as her body began to shake more furiously.
"Chloe?" Beca croaked, voice breaking as she pressed herself into Chloe.
"Yeah Becs. I've got you." Chloe smiled softly, letting her legs unwrap from around Beca and plant firmly on the floor just as Beca's started to crumple underneath her.
Beca was sobbing a little as Chloe slowly lowered them both to the floor, turning herself so that her head could bury into Chloe's neck. Chloe gently rocked them back and forth as she stroked her back soothingly like she would do for Emma when she was distraught. It wasn't that she was trying to patronise Beca, but rather knew that it would work as a universal way of calming anyone that was distraught. Roxie had been close by their side the entire time but content to let Chloe take the lead, but once they were on the floor she settled her head in Beca's lap, pushing her nose into Beca's ribs. It took a couple of minutes for Beca to calm but once she did she lifted her head and pulled away from Chloe a little, looking embarrassed as she sniffed and wiped at her face with her sleeve.
"I uh… I'm sorry about that." Beca mumbled, face bright red as she looked at her feet, "That um… that's never happened to me before. Not with fireworks. I don't know what happened."
"It's okay." Chloe smiled softly, "You have nothing to be sorry for. We're okay. Do you wanna talk about it?"
Beca shrugged a little, clearly uncomfortable as she wrung her hands in her lap, "It was just a stupid nightmare, I guess when the firework woke me up I just thought I was still in it."
"You've been having them a lot lately." Chloe frowned softly, Roxie turning her head to lick Beca's hand, "Do you know what triggered it?"
"No." Beca shook her head as she reached out and scratched Roxie's head, "No it's just been since Christmas my head's been all over the place."
"Is it because your mom was here?" Chloe mused, "When was the last time she came here to New York rather then you going to Seattle?"
There was a pause as Beca frowned, trying to remember when her mom had last been in New York.
"Oh." Beca looked up from her hands, her eyes meeting Chloe's as realisation hit her, "It might be that… the last time mom and Ryan were here was- was when I was in hospital after losing my leg."
"Beca?"
Beca's eyes fluttered open as she swallowed against the lump in her throat, feeling irritation well up inside her. She was in a lot of pain, she was exhausted, why wouldn't everyone just leave her alone for five minutes?
She felt a hand take hers and she turned her cotton ball stuffed head towards her left. Her eyes fell on the worried face of her mother and she groaned softly.
"Who called you?" Beca mumbled, frowning, "I told them not to…"
"Well I'm glad they ignored you." Erica raised her eyebrow, softly brushing Beca's hair from her face, "Why wouldn't you want them to call me?"
"Ryan needs you." Beca sighed heavily, "Just… go back to Seattle. I'm fine."
"No you're not." Ryan shook his head as Beca looked over to him, "Your leg is missing dude, that's like the opposite of fine."
"Ryan." Erica warned him, eyebrow raised a little, "He's right though. You're not fine. Oh Beca…" Erica ran her fingers through Beca's hair, emotion clouding her expression as tears welled in her eyes, "My poor baby."
"I'm fine." Beca grunted, rolling onto her side and turning away from her mom, trying to supress a wince but failing miserably.
"Becs-"
"Just go away." Beca's voice was thick as she slowly curled into herself, "I don't want you here."
"Okay." Erica pushed away the sense of hurt she was feeling. Beca was scared and in pain, she'd been through hell, of course she was pushing people away right now, "I'll come back later. I'm not going anywhere."
She leant over Beca and pressed a gentle kiss to her temple before leaving the room, gesturing at Ryan to follow her.
"One second." Ryan mumbled, moving over to Beca and sitting on the edge of the bed so that he could look at her. He hated seeing his sister like this, Beca had been the stable and strong force in his life, it wasn't like her to just roll over and give in.
"Don't push mom away like that." Ryan muttered, "You know how far she's come, let her help you idiot."
"I don't need help I'm not a child." Beca grunted again.
"Yeah, right." Ryan raised his eyebrow, "That's why you're sulking rather than fighting this?"
"Fuck you." Beca growled, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Fuck you too." Ryan snorted, leaning back on the bed next to Beca, concern in his eyes as he sighed softly, "Look, dude… we're worried about you okay? We thought we'd never see you again and now you're here but you're really messed up… you've always been there for us, just let us help you for a change."
Beca sniffed hard, lifting her eyes to look at Ryan for a minute, "I don't want you to see me be weak."
"Please." Ryan laughed shortly, "You're missing a leg and you're still stronger than anyone I know. I will deny ever having said this, but I'm really proud that you're my sister y'know?"
"Yeah?" Beca whispered, chewing her bottom lip, "Because I don't- I don't know how to do this Ry. I need two legs…"
"Nah." Ryan shook his head, smirking a little, "Two legs are overrated."
Beca scoffed a little, shaking her head as she sniffed again, "Will you um… will you get mom to come back? Please?"
"Course." Ryan nodded, getting off the bed, pausing for a moment to awkwardly pat Beca's head, "Love ya."
"Love you too." Beca whispered, wiping at her face with the back of her hand, "Thanks Ry."
"God it'd be so nice if I could do something and not have a ridiculous reaction to it afterwards." Beca sighed heavily, shaking her head as she sniffled.
Chloe moved herself across the floor and wrapped her arm around Beca's shoulders, resting her head on it, "I know what you mean. It's crap, but it's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"Yeah I guess." Beca mumbled, running a hand through her hair.
"I think that's the first time you've ever told me anything about what happened to you." Chloe smiled softly, "Thank you for trusting me with that."
"You're so weird." Beca smirked a little, letting her head rest on top of Chloe's, feeling her heart pound as the fireworks continued to explode outside, "But yeah… I guess it is. I just… I don't like talking about y'know? It's not just because it was a really shit time in my life, it's that I don't want the pity or the looks that people get…"
"I get that." Chloe nodded a little, joining Beca in scratching Roxie's head, "But I won't look at you like that. No pity from me at all. Maybe a bit of quiet awe, but no pity. Scout's honour."
Beca rolled her eyes a little, "Thanks Chlo. For all of that. How did you know how to do that?"
"It happened once with Chicago." Chloe shrugged, "About two years ago, I guess it was just a really bad tour and he had a bad episode when a car backfired on the way down our street. You were way easier to subdue by the way, he was twice your size and build, and you didn't throw me against a wall…"
"He threw you against a wall?" Beca frowned, turning to look at Chloe.
"Oh it's fine." Chloe shook her head, "It was a little scary but he wasn't… there y'know? It's not like he made a habit of it, it was this one time."
"Yeah still… I'm really sorry." Beca sighed softly, "That's so unlike him, I- I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's not your fault." Chloe frowned deeply.
"It is." Beca sniffed a little, shaking her head, "Two years ago… that was the tour that I lost my leg. He- he sacrificed everything to rescue me, put his life in danger… I'm sorry."
"No." Chloe took Beca's hand in hers and squeezed it tightly, "Don't do that. He would hate that you're blaming this on yourself. He did everything that he was trained to, everything that he wanted to. So that's the end of it okay? No more blaming yourself."
"You got it." Beca chuckled a little, "And you're right. He'd be mad that I was putting this on myself."
"Exactly." Chloe grinned as she squeezed Beca's hand again before glancing at her watch, "Oh, guess what?"
"What?"
"Happy New Year Beca." Chloe beamed, pressing a soft kiss to Beca's cheek.
"Um, yeah… Happy New Year Chlo." Beca blushed furiously, but grinned at her, "Here's to a better one than last year right?"
"God yes." Chloe groaned, pushing away the weird fluttering in her chest again.
A brand new year, a new start was just what they both needed.
The beginning of the new year was thankfully quiet and uneventful, Beca and Chloe's comfortable domestic routine continuing to serve them and Emma very well. Emma's birthday had passed with a similar happiness and underlying quiet grief at not having Chicago with them, but as the cold winter started to mellow into spring Beca and Chloe seemed to find that their lives were doing the same thing.
Beca's night terrors were lessening, both in number and intensity and she was starting to remember what a good night's sleep felt like. Chloe too was sleeping better, beginning to feel like her old self again a little as the combination of her meds and her therapy seemed to be working for her. Benji had lessened his home visits to once a week because Chloe didn't need them as much anymore, and whilst she had been nervous about the change, Chloe found that she was actually doing better than she'd realised.
Beca and Chloe were getting closer every day too, Beca had been opening up to Chloe about what had happened to her in Iraq, Chloe listening quietly and making sure that Beca knew how proud and in awe she was of her and everything she had been through. Beca had found it surprisingly easy to talk with Chloe about all of it, far easier than she'd ever spoken to anyone about it. And whilst Chloe didn't understand the fluttering in her chest and the feelings inside her when she was around Beca, Beca understood her own feelings very clearly, much to her disdain.
"Dude, I can't feel this way about Chloe…" Beca sighed heavily, leaning against the wall as she watched Stacie do her physio exercises with the prosthetic that had been fitted nearly a month ago, "What am I doing?"
"Okay, but why can't you have the hots for Chloe?" Stacie raised her eyebrow, sweating a little with the exertion of her physio but grateful for Beca's presence and her distraction.
"Because! She's Chicago's ex-wife for starters." Beca threw her hands in the air in exasperation, "And she's- she's Chloe, she's been through so much and been in so much pain… I can't be feeling like this when she needs me to help her still."
"I thought you said she was doing better?" Stacie frowned, still moving the ball between her prosthesis and her remaining arm as she glanced over at Beca.
"She is. She really is…" Beca smiled softly at the thought of Chloe and her recovery, "There's no comparison between where she was last year and now…"
"So… she doesn't need your help like she used to?" Stacie quirked her eyebrow as Beca opened her mouth to argue, closed it again, and then opened it once more, looking akin to a goldfish.
"She- I- well, she-" Beca tried to find an argument but couldn't.
"That's one excuse dealt with." Stacie grinned at her, "As for the ex-wife thing, please! You know they split amicably, that Chicago loved her like a sister and not a wife, you're not crossing a line Mitchell." Stacie set the ball down, panting a little as she wiped the sweat from her forehead, "So tell me again why you can't be crushing on Chloe?"
Beca frowned as she tried to find her words after Stacie had so skilfully shut down her arguments, sighing heavily as she moved over to Stacie and handed her the bottle of water she'd gotten for her on the way in. She watched as Stacie took it and managed to hold it securely against her body with the prosthetic, using her good hand to unscrew it, and a broad grin spread over her face.
"Look at you Conrad." Beca rested a hand on Stacie's shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze, "I always knew you were awesome, but this is something else."
"Shut up." Stacie beamed, nudging Beca affectionately with her shoulder, "And stop changing the subject. Give me a good reason you can't get your flirt on with Chloe, I dare you."
Beca sighed again, her grin faltering, "Because I don't want to freak her out or set her back for the sake of a crush."
Stacie wound her good arm around Beca's shoulders, smiling softly at her, "I know Becs. And that's what makes you a really good person. But you spend so much time worrying about other people and taking care of other people that you forget that you're allowed to be happy too."
"Well… yeah but-" Beca started, frowning.
"But nothing Mitchell." Stacie raised her eyebrow, "You haven't dated anyone since Charlotte dumped you, and honestly good riddance to that bitch. No-one is saying that you have to rush into something really serious with lots of feelings and all that. Just test the water, flirt a little, see if she flirts back. Just take it easy Becs."
Beca leant against Stacie a little, smiling softly as she did so, "Alright, alright. I'll test the waters, but I'm not making the first move. If she flirts back, great. If she doesn't, I'll get over it."
"Positive thing Mitchell." Stacie unwound her arm and moved from Beca's side, giving her a sly wink as she picked up the resistance bands to start her next lot of exercises, "You think I hesitated with Bree?"
"No." Beca smirked, "I think you seduced her in a bar and spent the weekend, and I quote, 'ruining her for everyone else'."
Stacie laughed as she shook her head a little, "Never tell her I told you that." She raised her eyebrow.
"Hey, what's said on tour, stays on tour." Beca held up her hands defensively, "How are you guys doing now?"
"Better." Stacie's smile softened, "That shrink you recommended is no joke is she?"
"She's the best there is." Beca nodded, "I'm glad she's helping. You seem more like yourself again."
"Yeah, well…" Stacie sighed softly, "It's uh… it's a long road. I can't wait for the day that I can finally sleep through the night again honestly. But I'm getting there."
"Yeah you are." Beca agreed, "You should both come over for dinner one night, bring my favourite niece with you, we'll have a great time."
"Planning double dates already Mitchell? Getting ahead of yourself are we?" Stacie chuckled as Beca blushed, ducking with a loud laugh as Beca threw a ball at her head.
"You're such a dick Conrad."
A routine had developed between Beca, Chloe, Stacie and Aubrey quite by accident. Beca would go with Stacie to her physio appointments whilst Aubrey and Bella spent the afternoon with Chloe and Emma. It wasn't that Chloe needed constant supervision anymore, it was more that she liked the company, and this way Aubrey wasn't fixated on Stacie and her appointment.
It was nice for the two of them to catch up like this, like friends and not two worried people trying to figure out what was best for the other without letting on that they were worried. Bella had taken on a big sister role with Emma, loving to dote on her and do her puzzles with her whilst her mom and her aunt watched lovingly on.
"So come on." Aubrey raised her eyebrow as she settled back on the couch, cup of coffee in hand as she kept half an eye on her daughter and Emma, "There's something bothering you, out with it."
Chloe scoffed lightly, eyebrow raising a little as she shook her head, "I- I'm just… I'm so sick of being anxious around Beca all the time."
Aubrey frowned, head tilting a little in concern, "Why are you anxious around her? What did she do?"
"Nothing!" Chloe answered quickly with a grin, seeing a concerned flash of anger in Aubrey's eyes at the idea that Beca might have done something to upset her, "Honestly, she's… amazing. The way she looks after me, after Emma… god I got so lucky that she and Chicago served together. That's what makes this so frustrating!"
"Tell me how it feels when you get anxious around her." Aubrey crossed her legs underneath her, coffee resting in her lap.
"It's…" Chloe sighed heavily, waving her hand vaguely in the air, "We'll be having a really nice moment, like she'll have made dinner or she'll be playing with Emma and my heart just starts fluttering in my chest, and my palms get all sweaty, and my mouth goes dry… I hate it, I just want to be normal around her y'know?"
"Chloe…" Aubrey shook her head a little, a grin spreading across her face, "I love you to death, but you're an idiot."
"What?! Why?!" Chloe squeaked, eyebrows shooting in her hairline.
"That's not anxiety. You like Beca." Aubrey was grinning at Chloe as she lifted her head from the coffee in her lap to Chloe's startled expression.
"Well… yeah, of course I like Beca, she saved my life…" Chloe frowned in confusion, "She's great with Emma, she's funny, she's smart…"
"No, Chloe." Aubrey chuckled softly, "You like Beca."
"Oh don't be ridiculous!" Chloe rolled her eyes, "Sure she's gorgeous, and she's got that lopsided smirk, and that sort of cocky swagger and her… eyes, oh…"
Realisation dawned on Chloe as she sank back into the couch, hand running into her hair. Aubrey reached and took her other hand, giving it a soft squeeze.
"How long have you been feeling like this?" Aubrey's tone was soft, all traces of teasing gone as she ran her thumb over the back of Chloe's hand.
"Um…" Chloe swallowed hard, wracking her brain as she reassessed the last few months, "Maybe since Christmas? Or just before? Definitely after the funeral… I don't know, I- what… what does this mean Bree?"
"It doesn't have to mean anything." Aubrey shook her head a little again, setting her cup of coffee down so she could take Chloe's other hand in hers, "You don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to. But it's a sign that you're on your way to recovery Chloe, these are normal things to be feeling, especially for someone you're as close to as Beca."
"Yeah?" A grin started to tug at Chloe's lips, "So it's not totes inappropriate then?"
"No." Aubrey grinned back, "No, not if you've been feeling this way for a while Chloe."
"So if I wanted to do something about it?" Chloe whispered, cheeks going a little red as she cast her gaze downwards, "Y'know if Beca wanted to as well and this really is… something… it would be okay?"
"You really want to?" Aubrey's grew bright with excitement. This was a great sign for Chloe and her recovery.
"Yeah… I mean, I didn't know what it was until now, but now I do?" Chloe shrugged a little shyly, teeth tugging at her bottom lip, "I want to move on with my life Aubrey. I miss him so much, don't get me wrong, this isn't about forgetting Chicago. Look at Emma, how could I?"
Chloe glanced over at her daughter who was babbling happily, playing with Bella who was creating a vividly complex story with the dolls she had brought over to share with Emma.
"But I know he wouldn't want me to be miserable forever, or alone because I was missing him." Chloe sniffed softly, "And Beca? She's… she's incredible Bree. I wouldn't have gotten through this without her, and there's been so many reasons for her to bolt and she hasn't… but I'm scared Aubrey."
"What scares you?" Aubrey asked, frowning softly as she squeezed Chloe's hands again.
"That she doesn't feel the same." Chloe sighed softly, "That I'll make a move and it'll freak her out, and I'll lose her as a friend. That if she does react in the wrong way that it'll set me back and there'll be no-one here to help us-"
"Hey." Aubrey squeezed Chloe's hand tight as she saw her spiralling, "Hey come back. It's okay. Take it slow. You remember how to flirt right?"
There was a teasing glint in Aubrey's eyes as Chloe feigned outrage, "Hey, I've got better game than you! You don't have to flirt anymore, you're happily married with a beautiful daughter, it's not like you have to flirt anymore…"
"Excuse me!" Aubrey scoffed, "You think I've been married this long without putting a little effort in? Sometimes you need to create the romance of the early days to keep things exciting."
"Sorry, sorry, you're right." Chloe giggled, relaxing a little, "About all of it. I don't have to go running into this, just… flirt a little, see if Beca flirts back. It'll be fine."
"Yes it will." Aubrey nodded firmly, "And you'll tell me everything right?"
"Of course." Chloe frowned with a grin, "You're my best friend, you're getting all the details!"
"Excellent. So what are you going to do about it? What's your game plan?"
Over the next few weeks, Beca and Chloe (unbeknownst to the other) tested the waters with each other. They realised that a lot of their friendship lately had evolved into soft flirting, what with the gentle touches and the easy smiles, but now they built on that with teasing comments and veiled compliments. Both Beca and Chloe were so wary however of overstepping and making the other uncomfortable that they seemed to exist in a state of stalemate, neither of them daring to make the first move just yet.
It was frustrating, because they both suspected that the other was flirting back, but after everything that had happened to them, both together and on their own, it was terrifying to think that one wrong misstep or misinterpretation could send them both into a dark place, this time without the other to help them out.
But Chloe was getting restless with the uncertainty of it all, just wanting to know if Beca felt the same way so that either way she could move forward with her life. Ever since Aubrey had pointed out how she really felt about Beca, Chloe found herself falling deeper into her feelings for her, wanting to spend as much time with her as she could, wanting to touch her arm, hold her against her, kiss her. It felt like her life had been on pause since the day Emma had been born, and now a year later, Chloe just wanted to move forward. She wanted to move forward with Beca. So it was time to take a chance.
"So what do you think?" Chloe chewed her nip nervously, phone pressed to her ear with her shoulder as she changed Emma, voice low to make sure that Beca couldn't hear her from downstairs.
"I think you're adorable." Aubrey laughed softly, "And it's a great idea, a perfect one actually."
"Yeah?" Chloe beamed, "Okay great. I'm doing it tonight, will you come and get Emma after I get rid of Beca?"
"Oh wow. Yeah of course! Are you sure you're ready?"
"Yeah." Chloe nodded firmly, "Yeah I am, I- I'm sick of not knowing Bree. I want her, and I think she wants me, but unless I do this I'm never going to know am I?"
"That's true. I'm really proud of you Chloe. You've come so far."
"Thanks Bree." Chloe mumbled, emotion thick in both of their voices as Chloe sniffed softly.
"So what time do you want me there to pick up Emma?"
Beca had complained profusely when Chloe insisted that they had Thai food from the restaurant she liked all the way across town, knowing it would take nearly an hour for her to get to and from the restaurant and wait for the order. But when Chloe flashed her blue eyes at her like that, Beca couldn't argue with her, and besides she didn't really feel like cooking tonight. By the time she got back, Beca was ready to just curl up on the sofa and watch crap tv with her dinner, her feet pressed against Chloe's with Roxie in between them patiently waiting for scraps off their plate. It was as domestic as they got lately, and Beca could think of nowhere she'd rather be on a Friday night.
She sighed softly as she unlocked the front door, relieved to be done for the day as she walked into their home. Beca ran her free hand through her hair after pocketing her keys, frowning softly at the ambient glow that greeted her and the soft sounds of music that Beca didn't recognise floated towards her. What was going on?
"Most days I wake up with a pit in my chest, there are thoughts that I can't put to rest, there's a worry that I can't place…"
Beca knew that voice. She'd heard it from the shower, from the kitchen, from Emma's room. That voice was Chloe…
"Most nights, I am restless and quiet won't come, so I lay there and wait for the sun, there's a trouble that won't show its face…"
Beca slowly walked into the living room, expression quizzical and emotional as her eyes fell upon the candles set around her and the marigolds set in a vase on the coffee table. They were Beca's favourite, they were the only flowers that grew in the desert.
"You came out of nowhere, and you cut through all the noise. I make sense to the madness, when I listen to your voice…"
Beca's emotional gaze found Chloe who was stood just behind the couch, beaming at Beca with a shy expression on her face. Her hands were clasped in front of her, bottom lip tugged between her teeth as she watched Beca carefully, trying to gauge her reaction.
"Darling, only you can ease my mind. Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind…"
"I uh… I've been writing music to try and work things…" Chloe mumbled, shrugging sheepishly, "And I- I wrote this one for you."
Beca took a deep shuddering breath, gently setting the food down on the coffee table as she stepped around the couch. Her hands were shaking as she reached Chloe, stood in front of her as she tried to find something, anything, to say to Chloe right now, but no words felt good enough, right enough, succinct enough to convey what she was feeling right now.
"When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind… darling, only you can ease my mind."
"It's dumb isn't it?" Chloe winced a little, "Or too much, it's too much I just… I wanted to tell you how I felt about you, about us, about all of this now that we're on the other side of it, now things are getting better and I just-"
Chloe stopped talking as Beca's finger gently rested on her lips, watching as a grin began to spread over her face, "It's amazing Chlo… you really wrote this?"
Chloe just nodded softly, Beca's finger still resting on her lips as their eyes locked, Beca moving closer to her as her other hand rested on the side of her neck.
"God… you're incredible. Every time I think that you couldn't possibly amaze me anymore you do. You've talked over and over again about how I saved your life but…" Beca shook her head a little, nostrils flaring as she pushed back the tears welling in the corners of her eyes, "You saved mine first. You let me into your home, into your life and gave me a reason to carry on when I thought I'd lost all purpose. I know it wasn't easy to have me here when you were struggling, when you didn't know me or trust me, but I owe you everything."
Beca ran her thumb along Chloe's jaw as she moved her finger from her lips, cupping her cheek instead as her fingers tangled lightly in Chloe's hair.
"You are the reason that I was strong enough to help you and Emma. Whether you know it or not Chlo, you saved my life before you even really knew me. And all this?"
Beca moved her hand for the briefest of seconds to wave at the room around them, "It's all I needed to know that we're in the same place. That when I kiss you in a minute you're not going to freak out or be upset or be set back… because I have been wanting to kiss you since Christmas, but the only thing that mattered to me was your recovery. So… can I kiss you now?"
"Yeah." Chloe nodded, tears running down her cheeks as her hands rested on Beca's hips, "Yeah Becs. I'd really like that."
Beca chuckled tearfully as she leant in, lips brushing over Chloe's as a tingle ran down her spine. There was a brief pause as their eyes met again before Beca pushed aside the last of her anxiety and pressed her lips against Chloe's. Her eyes fluttered shut as Chloe's hands gripped her hips a little tighter, pulling her into her as the kiss deepened. Beca's hands ran deeper into Chloe's flame coloured locks, heart beating faster in her chest as Chloe pressed into her, Beca able to feel her trembling slightly against her.
They were lost in each other, in the realisation that whatever hell they had been through to get here was suddenly worth it because it had lead them to this. A moment of perfect finality as they moved past what had been the worst year of their lives and began a whole new chapter. Together.
It was Beca who finally broke the kiss, needing to breath other wise she would have stayed in the moment forever. She grinned at Chloe, forehead resting against hers as she stroked her cheeks with her thumbs, brushing away the tears that were a mix of both of them.
"Are you okay?" She whispered, not daring to speak any louder in case she shattered the perfect moment they were sharing.
"Better than okay." Chloe nodded softly, "I- I love you Beca."
"I love you too." Beca pressed her lips softly against Chloe's again, only briefly this time as she wound her arms around Chloe's neck, "You know I'll never try and replace Chicago right? For you or for Emma?"
"Of course." Chloe's expression grew a little more serious as she let her arms rest around Beca's waist, "I never thought you would. I love him still, of course I do, but… I want to forward with my life Becs. With you."
"That's what I want to." Beca grinned, "That's all I want. We don't have to rush this, we'll take it slow. Just you, me and Emma. We'll figure it out. But I just wanted you to know that I'm not trying to fill a void, I just want… I want you."
"You have me." Chloe beamed, nudging Beca's nose with hers, "You have me all night because Emma is with Aubrey and Stacie, and you get to share me with Emma for as long as you'll put up with me. How about we take it a day at a time? Just… me and you against the world?"
"That sounds perfect to me." Beca breathed, smirking against Chloe's lips as she pulled her into her again.
"When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind… darling, only you can ease my mind."