Aren't Little Girls Made of Sugar and Spice?

by Jagged Epiphany

Tired of the cliched and overused couples? Then this story is for you! Post-Hog. Alicia Spinnet is tired of the twins setting her up till they set her up with...Harry Potter

9. And Then There Were Letters

A/N: You all asked for it, so here it is! It's even longer than the last one. Thanks for the reviews. Once again I wasn't expecting such a big response. Special thanks to my 200th reviewer who is Inkzblde if I counted back correctly…I hate counting. Ok, I shall shut up now.

Just need to do my authorly duty then you can read. This chapter contains adult themes and sexual references, particularly towards the end. Overall, the rating is still T and I'm going to try to keep it that way. I am trying my utmost to be discreet and demure and ladylike. Insert obligatory curtsy here. 'Tis going quite well.

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Chapter 9

Alicia was sound asleep. Events of the previous night had completely worn her out. As soon as she had arrived home she changed into her pyjamas and fell into a deep sleep. Unfortunately this blissful sleep was disrupted at six o'clock the next morning.

"Mmph!" She groaned and pushed Jasper away from her head. She rolled over and fell back to sleep immediately.

Alicia was awoken again when Jasper put his front paws back on her head. "Go 'way," she mumbled, shoving the fluffy white feline away.

Jasper meowed loudly and rubbed his face into her neck. He licked her cheek with his small rough tongue and her eyes fluttered open as she rolled onto her back. "Leave me alone, Jas. It's way too early for this."

The cat ignored her and rubbed himself all over her face. Alicia copped a mouthful of fur. She spluttered and pushed Jasper away again. "For Christ's sake!" she growled, wiping her mouth with the edge of her sheet. "I had a long day yesterday. Let me go back to sleep!"

Jasper jumped up onto her chest and meowed at her again. Alicia glared at him. "Right. If you don't get off me I'll take you to the vet to have that operation we've been talking about. Snip, snip. Would you like that, smart guy?"

Jasper sat down on her stomach and licked his paw leisurely. The threat of 'snip, snip' obviously didn't bother him.

"You can't be hungry because I filled your bowl before I left for the party last night. Are you sick? No. You'd be moping around, not jumping on me. What's wrong?" Jasper swished his tail back and forth and Alicia scratched him behind the ear. "I bet you just want to show me your latest dead mouse. I'm too tired now, but I'll look later."

Jasper didn't move. Alicia sighed and stared at her cat. He didn't have that satisfied look that he always wore when he killed a helpless little creature. There was something else wrong. "Are you trying to tell me something? Are we having a Lassie moment here? Has little Timmy fallen down the well? Is Farmer Jones caught in a barn fire?"

Alicia began to giggle and Jasper leapt off her to avoid being thrown off by her shaking. He sat beside her and stared at her blandly. "That was a joke, fluff ball."

If Jasper had have been capable of rolling his eyes, Alicia was quite certain he would have done it at that moment. "It's a pity that my astounding wit is lost on you. I'm sure Harry would have appreciated that joke. I'm sick of waking up next to you. No offence, darling, but you're not exactly-"

BANG!

Alicia screamed and almost fell out of bed. Something had exploded in her house! Jasper hissed and shot under the bed. Alicia stared at her bedroom door. It was slightly ajar, but from her spot on the bed she couldn't see into the hallway.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Someone was in her house. "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" she whispered angrily at her cowardly cat. "Some guard cat you are."

There was a thud followed by a rustle just outside Alicia's room. Was that a voice? She slapped her hand over her mouth and fought down the natural panic that was rising in her mind. The events of the previous night came flooding back. Had an overzealous journalist broken into her house? One of Harry's crazy fan girls? Of course, it could just be Fred and/or George.

Alicia sat up and tried to catch her breath and think clearly. No. If it was Fred or George they would have come into and her room and tried to write a swear word on her forehead as she slept. It could be Lee. Why would he want to blow something up though? He'd be more likely to start singing.

BANG!

Alicia twitched and couldn't hold back a shriek of fear. Where was Harry when you needed him? If he were to suddenly appear to save her she would never call him Wonder Boy again or tease him about his hero complex.

Alicia clutched her sheet to her chin and stared at her bedroom door apprehensively as she imagined the rescue. Harry would knock the front door down and stride into her house. He'd have to be wearing tight trousers and no shirt, of course. A mysterious breeze would ruffle his hair as he pulled out his wand and blasted the intruder away.

"You're safe now, Alicia," he would say gallantly.

Alicia would swoon and clutch her chest. "You saved my life, Harry. How can I ever thank you?"

They would make love on her bed. Twice. And once in the shower. Then on the-

BANG!

Right. Matter at hand.

Alicia slid cautiously out of bed and searched through her handbag for her wand. As hot as it would be, she didn't really need Harry to come and save her. She seized her wand in her hand and straightened up. She would sneak out of her room and hit the intruder with a – a…

Uh-oh.

Evidently Alicia's knowledge of spells had deteriorated since she left Hogwarts. All that came to mind was the spell she used to dry her hair. That probably wouldn't be terribly useful. She knew that she must have learnt a helpful spell at school. She was in the DA, for Merlin's sake! The problem was that her mind had gone horrifyingly blank.

There was another loud thump from somewhere in the house. Alicia bit her lip and tried to remember anything she had learnt at school. In second year all she could remember was following Oliver Wood around like a puppy dog. No spells came to mind from fifth year either. All she remembered from that year was crying when Harry fell off his broomstick. Something from her time in the DA must have stuck in her head.

Alicia closed her eyes and thought hard. All she could remember from her last year was George Weasley groping her in the change rooms after Quidditch practice.

She was going to die because she hadn't paid attention in class. She'd been too preoccupied with boys and now she was going to pay for it. Her father had been right all along! The intruder was bound to come to her soon and hit her with Expelliarmus.

The Disarming Charm! Alicia remembered how to do that! She'd had to use it on Fred only a month ago when he had tried to turn Jasper's fur purple. She definitely knew how to do it.

Alicia grasped her wand tightly and crept over to her bedroom door. She grabbed the handle and took a deep breath. Before she could lose her nerve she threw open the door and pointed her wand into the complete emptiness of her hallway.

"Thank God." She sighed in relief before her eyes slowly fell to the floor. "Oh, that can't be good," she breathed ominously.

The floor was covered in letters. Hundreds of them covered the entire length of the hallway. Alicia kicked her way through them and headed for the living room. "What the hell is going on?"

BANG!

Alicia ducked quickly as a firework flew in the general direction of her head. A box on the sofa was shaking and smoking dangerously. Every square inch of her house was covered in letters, Howlers and packages. Keeping her wand at the ready, she walked around dazedly. There were even letters in the bathtub, the sink and the shower.

She was in the kitchen when three more owls came soaring through the open window and dropped letters on her head. As soon as the owls left, Alicia waded through the ankle deep parchments on her floor and slammed her window shut. She always left it open for the owl that delivered the Daily Prophet. She hadn't imagined anything like this would happen.

Speaking of the newspaper. It had to be on the kitchen table somewhere. Alicia began sifting through the envelopes and scrolls to find the paper. A rustling sound by her feet distracted her momentarily. A bright scarlet envelope was quivering by her right foot. The Howler was going to explode any second. She jumped away from it quickly.

It burst into flames suddenly and Alicia dropped into a crouch and pressed her hands to her ears. Unfortunately, she still managed to catch most of the words.

"DIRTY TRAMP…NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! YOU ARE…AT LEAST DANNI WAS PRETTY…NOT AS SMART AS THE GRANGER GIRL EITHER. LEAVE…ALONE!"

Alicia blinked rapidly at the pile of ash. Was that what people thought of her? They really thought that she was a tramp? She gritted her teeth against the inevitable wave of humiliation and stared around her kitchen. Several more red envelopes were scattered around.

"Right." Alicia held out her wand and clearly said, "Accio Howlers!"

It only took a second for all of them to jump into her hand. She ran over to the fridge and shoved all of them into the freezer. "Ha! That ought to fix that problem for a while," she said triumphantly.

If the explosions hadn't already woken her neighbours, the angry Howlers would so Alicia began the task of collecting up all the Howlers in her house. For ten minutes she ran back and forth to the freezer. The job took her mind off her predicament for a while and soon the freezer was stuffed full of quietly sizzling letters.

Alicia sat at the kitchen table eating ice cream straight from the container. She'd had to take it out in order to fit all the Howlers into the freezer. It wasn't a terribly healthy breakfast but it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Besides, she figured she deserved a little something to make her feel better. Her team had won the Cup the previous day and it was a public holiday for Merlin's birthday. She wasn't supposed to feel crappy.

"What am I going to do?" she asked quietly as she looked around and licked chocolate ice cream from her spoon.

Her eyes settled on the letters on the table in front of her. It probably wasn't a very good idea, but she was itching to open one of them. Just one. Just to see if there was anyone in the world who thought she was worthy of Harry. She randomly picked up one of them and eyed it shrewdly.

It seemed safe enough. Just to be sure she ripped it open away from her face. Nothing happened so she peered inside the envelope tentatively. Unexpectedly, there was a photo rather than a letter inside. Intrigued, she pulled the photo out. It was a picture of an unattractive, overweight, thirty-something man. He was wearing a wizard's hat and…nothing else.

Alicia made a guttural sound of disgust and dropped the photo. The wizard waved up at her from the moving picture and she quickly turned it over. The words scrawled across the back of the photograph read: When you're done with Potter, send me an owl. You look like you're worth a good go.

Alicia's face turned bright red and she jumped up from the table. She didn't know if being called a tramp or being propositioned by a naked stranger was worse. She put a shaking hand to her throat and stood in the middle of her living room. Something was going to have to be done to fix things. How was she going to get rid of all the letters? How was she going to stop owls delivering anymore? How was she going to explain the strange noises to her neighbours?

It was all too much for her at the moment. The room began to spin and she stumbled over to fall onto the sofa. She lay down and stared at the ceiling for a while then sighed and grabbed another random letter from the floor. This time she took particular notice of the return address.

Doris and Gladys Bloomfield. 34 Hope Rd, Dover.

Alicia had a vision of two lovely old ladies sitting in rocking chairs knitting scarves. Surely they meant her no harm. She gingerly opened the envelope and pulled out the folded letter. So far so good. She unfolded the letter and immediately wished she hadn't as a wall of icy cold water hit her in the face.

She screamed and leapt up from the sofa. She had swallowed a large quantity of the water and was subsequently staggering around the room hacking up salt water. Unless Alicia was terribly mistaken, she'd just had a bucket full of the English Channel thrown in her face.

"That's it!" she yelled. "That's all I'm going to take from you crazy people! You can all burn in hell!"

Alicia swiped water from her face and marched back into her kitchen to retrieve her wand. She had to get out of her house for a while. Anywhere would do. Perhaps an early morning visit to Katie and George was the answer. She had promised to visit Katie today anyway. Alicia was about to Apparate when she shivered and looked down at herself. Her white singlet was plastered to her body and she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Bloody Doris and bloody Gladys!" she swore vehemently.

Alicia threw her wand back on the table and seethed and dripped everywhere. Now she had to go and get changed out of her pyjamas. In her haste she stumbled on the sea of hate mail and had to grab a chair to stop herself from falling over. She swore viciously and kicked at the parchments. To her surprise, her foot connected with something solid.

A box that had previously been covered by envelopes tumbled across the room and hit the kitchen wall. There was a loud hissing sound and the lid fell off. An angry brown and green snake slithered out of the open box, flicking its tongue frantically.

Alicia screamed like she'd never screamed before. The snake was sliding between the letters as if they were simply leaf litter. It was moving rather fast and Alicia's kitchen wasn't terribly big. Still screaming, she jumped up onto the chair then scrambled onto the table, sending letters flying everywhere.

"What is wrong with these people?" she demanded, trembling violently in a combination of shock, fear and anger.

Alicia hated snakes. The phobia had begun when Fred and George thought it would be funny to put a little water snake into her bed in first year. She had claimed not to be scared of anything and the twins had been eager to disprove this. Needless to say, she hadn't slept for a whole week after the incident.

"Oh my God."

Could the snake possibly climb up the leg of the table? They climbed trees, didn't they? Alicia watched the serpent's progress from where she was standing. It slithered right under the table and didn't come back out the other side. She slapped both of her hands over her mouth to stop herself screaming again. The snake reappeared and Alicia relaxed slightly.

She was Apparating out of there, wet shirt or no wet shirt. She looked down at her feet for her wand. Alicia had never fainted before, but she almost did it at that moment. Her wand was nowhere to be seen. She must have knocked it away when she clambered onto the tabletop.

Trying not to panic, she searched around on the floor for it. She spotted it by the door, not far from where the snake was.

"Accio wand," she said, stretching her hand out towards it. It twitched slightly, but didn't move from its spot. "Accio wand!"

This time it didn't move at all. Alicia closed her eyes and tried to gather her composure. Plenty of people could summon their wands. Surely if Luke Skywalker could call his lightsaber to his hand whilst hanging upside down in the ice cave of a Wampa, she could get her wand to jump five feet to her hand. Ok, the situations were rather different, but it's nice for everyone to feel like a Jedi at some point in their life.

"Accio wand!" she said firmly. It jumped straight up and landed back in the exact same spot. "Come here, dammit!"

A loud knock at her back door saved Alicia from having a nervous breakdown. The downside was that there was no way of knowing who was knocking. Could it be a reporter or a photographer? She glanced down at the snake, which glared back at her angrily.

Obviously she wasn't actually an expert on reptile facial expressions, but it certainly didn't appear to be very pleased. Given that a cranky snake was staring her down, it didn't really matter if it was a reporter or photographer at the door. At that moment she would have welcomed the naked man from the photograph into her house.

"Come in! Oh God, please come in!"

xxxxx

Harry Potter ran around frantically Summoning Howlers in Alicia's backyard. Owls swooped overhead, dropping more letters and the odd package. Strangely, there weren't really as many letters as Harry had expected. Still, Muggles were bound to notice the unusual activity and come and see what was going on. Ron and Hermione had better hurry up at the Ministry.

Harry caught the last red envelope and jogged to Alicia's back step. He had tried to Apparate straight into her house, but her full wards were up so he resorted to her backyard. A loud hoot drew Harry's attention to the sky. A snowy owl that had been gliding towards Alicia's house suddenly veered off and wheeled back around without delivering its letter.

Ron and Hermione had done it. Thank God. Harry thumped on the door, hoping that none of the Howlers in his hand were due to explode. He waited anxiously for an answer. A vision of Alicia asleep soundly in her bed made him smile. She probably had no idea what was going on. Maybe she was dreaming about him.

"Come in! Oh God, please come in!"

Harry's heart jumped into his throat. That was Alicia yelling, and she didn't sound very happy. He tried to open the door but it was locked. Without bothering to take out his wand he shouted, "Alohomora!"

The door only popped open a bit and Harry tried to push it but found that something was blocking the way. He was surprised to discover that a large pile of letters was the culprit. So much for there not being many of them. He gave one last push and slipped into the house.

"Alicia?"

"Kitchen, Harry!"

Walking carelessly over the hundreds of envelopes and scrolls, Harry made his way to the kitchen. The scene he was met with was truly perplexing. There wasn't a surface in the room that wasn't covered in letters. A carpet python was curled up in the doorway and Alicia was standing on the table, her head brushing the ceiling.

"What the hell's going on?" he asked.

"That!" Alicia snapped, pointing a shaking finger at the snake.

"Where did it come from?"

"Some psychopath sent it to me!" she shrieked. "I don't like snakes. C-can you get rid of it?"

Harry dropped to his haunches and said something in Parseltongue to the snake, which replied with a string of hisses. There was an audible gasp from the direction of the ceiling and Harry looked up in mild surprise. "I thought you knew I was a Parselmouth?"

"I do. I don't…just don't do that anymore. Those noises don't sound right coming out of our mouth. Please stop it."

Harry picked up the snake and she immediately twisted herself comfortably around his forearm. "You can get down off the table. She's only a harmless carpet python. She said you frightened her."

"I scared it!" Alicia said shrilly. "It was going to attack me!"

"She was just looking for somewhere to hide."

"It has been holding me hostage up here for ages."

Harry took a few steps towards the table and Alicia squeaked in alarm. "Look, I promise she won't hurt you if you come down."

"I'm not coming down until it's gone."

Harry smiled reassuringly and stroked the snake's smooth scales. "They aren't as bad as you think. Between Slytherins, the Chamber of Secrets and the Bible they have a bad reputation, but they're rather nice creatures."

"Are not," she said stubbornly.

"If you come down to meet her I bet you'll start to like her. Maybe you could even keep her as a pet," Harry said. He held the snake up to his face and said something else in Parseltongue.

"I told you not to do that!"

"I was just telling her that you're her new mummy." Harry stepped up to the table and held the snake out to Alicia. "Touch her back gently."

Quite expectedly, Alicia began to cry. She stepped back to the edge of the table and it tilted precariously. Harry slammed his hand down to stop it tipping over. Tears trickled down Alicia's cheeks and she sobbed.

"All right," Harry said quietly, looking up at her in concern. "You really don't like snakes. I'll put her somewhere safe and you can get down. Did she come in a box or something?"

Alicia pointed to an open box near the wall. Harry grabbed it and carefully placed the snake inside and put the lid back on. He put the box on top of the stove and went back to the table. "Take my hand," he said softly.

She glanced apprehensively at the stove then took his hand and let him help her down from the table. Her knees wobbled as she stepped down from the chair and Harry had to steady her. She was deathly pale and she looked just about done in. When he grabbed her arms he realised she was cold. It was only then that he noticed that her white shirt was wet…and rather transparent.

Harry struggled to keep his gaze above her neck. "Uh, what happened? Why are you wet?"

Alicia gasped and crossed her arms over her chest. She tried to move away from Harry but he kept hold of her and repeated his question. "Doris and Gladys," she finally said.

"Who are they?"

"Just two of the millions who now hate me," she said morosely.

"What are you talking about? No one hates you." Harry put his hand on her wet cheek. "I meant to get here earlier but I slept in."

"You might as well just say it now."

"Say what?"

"I told you so," she answered, sniffling. "I know you want to say it. Go ahead."

"I'd never say anything like that to you. None of this is your fault."

"I didn't listen to you yesterday. I was too busy getting revenge on Kieran and rambling stupidly about Margaret Thatcher." She paused and winced. "Did I really compare myself to her?"

Harry smiled and nodded. "Along with Germaine Greer and Winston Churchill."

Alicia smiled weakly in return. Her tears had now stopped but she still looked ill. "I think I better go take a shower and change into something a little more appropriate."

"Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"Are you offering to join me?"

Harry kissed her tear stained cheeks. "That depends. Are you offering?" He pulled her arms away from her chest so he could hug her properly. She slumped against him gratefully and draped her arms weakly around his waist.

"How am I going to fix all of this?" she asked.

"I can take care of it. I've already sent Ron and Hermione to the Ministry to have your mail redirected to there. You'll just have to pay a visit later to let them know which owls you still want to deliver to your house."

"Thank you."

"I figure it's the least I can do since-"

"DIDN'T YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON LAST TIME?"

Alicia jumped and tightened her grip on Harry. "What's that?"

He grimaced. It was one of the Howlers that he had left outside the kitchen.

"FIRST KIERAN KINGLY AND NOW HARRY POTTER! WHY DON'T YOU STICK TO MEN WHO ARE AT YOUR OWN LEVEL?"

"Just ignore it," Harry said firmly as Alicia stiffened in his arms.

"THE SAME WILL HAPPEN AGAIN BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HARRY. GET OUT OF IT BEFORE YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF! YOU'RE A DISRACEFUL GOLD DIGGER AND HARRY DESERVES BETTER!"

Alicia struggled to get out of Harry's arms, but he refused to release her. "You don't really believe that rubbish do you?"

"What if that woman's right about me?" Alicia pushed against him but wasn't able to muster much strength.

"You can't be serious! That woman doesn't know you. She's just jealous."

"Jealous of what exactly? Jealous of the fact that my house looks like a particularly disordered post office? I'd gladly swap lives with her."

Harry abruptly let go of her and she stumbled back. "Does that mean you'd swap me as well?"

Alicia walked over to the doorway and snatched up her wand. Without looking back, she strode in the direction of her bedroom. Harry set his jaw then hurried after her. "Alicia! Don't walk away without answering me!"

She paused at the door to her bedroom and turned back to face him. "Fine. I don't think I can do this. How's that for an answer?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded. "Are you talking about us?"

"Of course I am. I don't think I can date a famous person." Alicia disappeared into her room and Harry followed her.

"Hey, I never asked to be famous. I'd rather not be, frankly."

"But the fact remains that you are famous. This morning I've seen what it would be like and I don't think I'd cope very well."

Harry stared in bemusement as she rummaged through her wardrobe and pulled out a yellow shirt and a pair of jeans. He said, "Your mood swings are incomprehensible! You were fine before you heard that Howler. I assumed you didn't care what other people thought of you."

"Don't be ridiculous," Alicia scoffed, digging through a drawer. "Everyone cares what other people think. People who say they don't care are only saying that because they want others to think they're all well adjusted and emotionally superior."

"I don't understand what you're saying," Harry said helplessly. "Can we sit down and talk about this properly?"

"I'm going to take a shower and get dressed. Today is bound to be a busy day and I'd prefer to start it feeling refreshed."

"And what about me? I just have to wait around here till you're finished?"

Alicia tucked a bra and a pair of knickers under her arm and marched off with Harry in hot pursuit. "No, you don't have to feel obliged to stay at all," she said casually. "Go home and take that horrible snake with you."

"I'm not going anywhere till you've told me exactly what's going on."

They stopped at the bathroom. Another Howler burst into flames and Harry swore.

"HARRY ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX THEN HE'S GOING TO DUMP YOU AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT WOMAN!"

"That's not true! You know that's a lie, Alicia!"

"Of course I know that's a lie. I just don't like the idea of complete strangers yelling it at me in my house."

"Look, I don't want to fight with you, Alicia."

"Then don't," she said simply, slamming the door in his face then locking it firmly.

Stupid women! Why did they have to do stupid things all the time? If they were at least stupid things that he could comprehend it wouldn't be so much of a problem. As it was, Harry had no idea why Alicia was suddenly panicking and trying to back out of their relationship.

He looked around at her house guiltily. Well, he had some idea of what the problem was. How could he be responsible for what other people said and did? If he had his way all the people who sent Alicia Howlers would be severely punished, but he couldn't stop them from sending stuff to her in the first place. He could do his best to protect her from them by making sure she didn't hear them, but that was about it.

If the knowledge that there were people in the world who disliked her really was a problem for Alicia then there was nothing Harry could do.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OUR HARRY! THE LAST THING HE NEEDS IS ANOTHER WHORE RUINING HIS LIFE!"

Harry groaned and listened to the running water inside the bathroom. Hopefully that meant Alicia hadn't heard the latest Howler. He was going to make sure she didn't hear another one. Taking his wand out of his pocket, he went back to the spot where he'd left the Howlers. He gathered them up then Disapparated back to his house. Thankfully Ron and Hermione weren't back from the Ministry yet so he didn't have to answer any questions.

He hid the Howlers in his bedroom so that if they went off no one would hear it through the strong sound proofing charm. With that done he Apparated back to Alicia's house. He ducked through her back door and almost ran right into Lee.

"What are you doing here?" Lee asked suspiciously.

"I've been here for a while. I just had to take care of something at home," Harry answered, distantly wondering why he even had to explain himself to Lee. He had every right to be in his girlfriend's house. If she was actually his girlfriend still.

"Oi! Harry's here!"

Fred and George appeared from the general direction of the living room. "It sounds like she's in the shower," Fred said. "Oh, hi, Harry."

"Happy Merlin's birthday, Harry! Aren't holidays swell?"

"Yeah. Why are you three here?"

"Checking up on Alicia of course."

"How is she?" Lee asked.

Harry shrugged. "To be honest, I'm not really sure. She's obviously shaken but I only know bits of the story. We kind of just had an argument."

Lee rolled his eyes. "Tell us the whole thing from the beginning and leave nothing out."

"But some of it's private," Harry protested.

"Do you want to know what's wrong with her or not?"

"Lee's right. We've known her longer. Tell us all of it and we'll work it out."

Harry groaned inwardly. He really hated being reminded of the fact that he didn't know Alicia as well as the twins and Lee did. Still, he did want to know what was wrong so he could fix it. "Fine, I'll tell you everything, but as you're listening you can help me get rid of these letters."

Harry conjured four large garbage bags and handed one to each of them. "You'll have to put the letters in without magic. If some of them are hexed or charmed the magic we use on them could cause a bad reaction. I don't think Alicia would appreciate it if we set fire to her house. We'll have to collect them all by hand and send them to the Ministry to be properly sorted and disposed of."

As the four of them stuffed their bags with letters, Harry began the whole story, from the moment he came through the back door and saw Alicia on the table. Lee became very agitated when he got to the part about the snake.

"You tried to make her touch it?" he demanded. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"I didn't realise she was so terrified of them!" Harry said defensively. "Hermione never liked snakes either, but she was fine once she had met one face to face. I thought the same thing might work with Alicia."

"Alicia is not Hermione," Lee pointed out tersely. "You should have backed off when she told you she didn't like snakes."

"I didn't realise it was such a big fear!"

"She was just up on the table for fun?"

Harry tightened his fist, crumpling a handful of letters. "Look, she didn't come with a God damn manual, all right! I have to learn as I go!"

"You're lucky she didn't pass out and break her head open on something. Then you'd be in for it," Lee muttered darkly.

Fred stepped between the two of them, uncharacteristically averting trouble rather than causing it. He turned to Lee and said, "Give him a break, mate, he wasn't at Hogwarts when it happened."

"When what happened?"

"When Fred and I put a baby water snake in Alicia's bed."

"You did what?"

"She was meant to see it! Unfortunately she was already under the covers before she felt it and apparently snakes don't like being put into people beds. Who'd have thought? Naturally, it-"

"-wasn't a venomous snake, but it still bit her toe. Gave her nightmares for years."

Harry shook his head angrily. First Ron and spiders then Alicia and snakes. "Do you two enjoy scarring people for life?"

"Hey, we've apologised a million times."

"Never mind that now. What happened when she got off the table?" Lee asked snappishly.

Harry continued his story, recounting the argument virtually word for word. When it was over they noticed that the water had stopped in the bathroom, so they all lowered their voices and moved into the kitchen.

"I know that she hasn't had a very good morning, but I wasn't expecting her to change her mind about me," Harry said, picking a container of ice cream up off the floor.

"She hasn't changed her mind about you," Lee said with a sigh. "I thought even you would have picked up on that much."

"But she said-"

"It doesn't matter what she said," George interrupted. "What happened this morning frightened her, but all you need to do is remind her that the positives outweigh the negatives."

"That's it?" Harry asked dubiously. That seemed way too easy.

"Reassure her that you want her and make sure she knows that you'll protect her from all the crazy people out there. It won't matter that people hate her if she knows that you'll stick by her side."

Harry looked at Lee a little sheepishly. "That kinda makes sense."

"Yeah, well you owe me a Butterbeer sometime," Lee said, the corners of his mouth twitching.

Feeling considerably better, Harry put the lid back on the ice cream and opened the freezer door. He was instantly hit with a barrage of Howlers.

"Holy crap," George said, his eyes wide. "That's a lot of Howlers. People really don't want her to be with you."

"Don't just stand there!" Harry snapped. "Come and help me get all of these in my bag before Alicia comes out!"

As quickly as they could, the men scrambled around and threw the cold Howlers into Harry's bag. When they were all in there, Harry grabbed the snake box from the stove and Disapparated again.

xxxxx

After double-checking that her hair didn't resemble a bird's nest, Alicia left her bathroom. She wasn't exactly expecting Harry to jump out and throw his arms around her, but she had at least thought he would be there. Frowning, she walked down the hallway and into the living room. He wasn't there either. Perhaps she had been too hard on him. It wasn't really his fault that she was being harassed like this.

Whistling was coming from the kitchen and Alicia hurried there in case it was Harry. She bit back a groan when she saw Lee sitting alone at the table. She plastered a smile on her face and pleasantly said, "Good morning, Lee!"

He gave her a tiny wave and a smile as she crossed the room. "I thought you might like some coffee," he said, gesturing towards the steaming cup on the table.

"Thank you," she said gratefully, taking a seat across from him after checking that the evil snake was gone.

"So, what's new, pussycat?"

"Hmm. What's new?" Alicia repeated, tapping her chin and looking around in mock thought. "Well, my microwave's broken. It doesn't cook stuff properly anymore. It's probably because I use it too much. Anyway, I'm going to get a new one tomorrow."

"That's nice. Anything else?"

"There is something else, but I can't seem to remember…oh! That's right!" Alicia said, snapping her fingers triumphantly. "My house is full of letters from people I don't know and I've been called an ugly stupid tramp and a gold digger all in one morning."

"That's not-"

"Oh, there's more, honey. That's just the tip of the iceberg! I've also had water thrown in my face thanks to some nasty old ladies. Did you know that the English Channel is really cold? Then if that wasn't enough of a wakeup call, I was almost killed by a snake. Apparently it wasn't a killing sort of snake, but it almost scared me to death. And perhaps worst of all, I had to look at a yucky naked man."

"That's no way to talk about Harry," Lee said, smirking at her.

"You know very well I wasn't talking about him!" Alicia snapped, her head throbbing. "My head hurts so don't bait me because I won't be responsible for what I do to you."

"Be quiet and drink your coffee," Lee said calmly. "You'll feel better in a while."

Alicia sipped her coffee, breathing the familiar aroma in deeply. It made her feel only mildly better. "Where are Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?" she asked.

"If you're referring to the twins, they're in the backyard picking up letters." Lee watched her closely and added, "Harry's gone home."

"I didn't ask about him."

"Just thought you'd like to know," Lee said, giving an unconvincingly casual shrug. "We arrived just as he was leaving. He mentioned something about hating you and never wanting to see you again."

The last part was a blatant lie, but Alicia's stomach registered the fact that he was gone by twisting around guiltily. "Why are Fred and George picking up letters? I was going to use a spell to get rid of them all."

"Best not to use magic on them since we don't know what's in all of them. We started clearing them by hand while we waited for you. I got a paper cut and everything," Lee said, holding his injured thumb out to her.

"Oh God, we better get you to the hospital for stitches before you pass out from blood loss."

He cradled his hand against his chest and pouted. "If you're going to be sarcastic about it then I'll just stop putting my body on the line for you."

Alicia sighed and took large gulp of coffee, welcoming the way it burnt her mouth. "I appreciate you trying to help, but you and the twins can leave now. I can handle it by myself."

"I don't think it would be a good idea to leave you alone. You seem a little on edge."

"Well, can you blame me? It isn't very nice to be insulted by strangers, you know."

"But they're right about you. You are an ugly stupid tramp, Alicia."

"Shut the hell up, Lee."

He ignored her and continued, "They must be right, mustn't they? These people obviously know you really well to evaluate your character so correctly."

"I'm not a…" Alicia began immediately. She paused when she recognised the smug look on Lee's face. She rolled her eyes at almost being caught. "Oh, ha ha. Nice try with the reverse psychology, Dr Freud."

"Well it worked, didn't it? I got you to admit that you don't actually believe what these people are saying about you. Isn't it more important that Harry likes you?" Lee asked evenly.

Alicia put her head in her hands. When had Lee become so smart? "Poor Harry. I was pretty hard on him earlier."

"You can be a right bitch sometimes, Alicia."

"That I shall agree with," she said regretfully. "I guess I should go and apologise to him."

"Wear your short skirt when you do it," Lee advised. "He'll be more likely to forgive you if you show a bit of leg."

Alicia finished her coffee and squared her shoulders determinedly. "Right. Time for me to go and grovel. Without the skirt," she added quickly.

Lee grinned and nodded approvingly. "No skirt at all. Even better."

Alicia opened her mouth to explain that wasn't what she meant, but figured she might as well save her breath. "I really don't know why I still talk to you."

"Because you looove me."

"Hardly. I barely tolerate you most of the time."

"You insult me because you looove me."

"Stop saying that." She got up from the table, trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile.

"I looove you, too," he called after her.

Alicia smiled widely for the first time that morning. Intending to retrieve her wand from her bedroom, she left the kitchen…and ran straight into Harry around the corner. She shrieked involuntarily, her heart leaping into her mouth for the tenth time in an hour.

"Now's not a good time to sneak up on me," she said shakily.

"I didn't sneak up on you. You walked straight into me."

"Right. I didn't think you were still here. Lee said you left."

"I did," Harry said easily, sliding his hands into his pockets. "I decided to come back. You can start whenever you like."

Alicia frowned and wondered if she had missed something. "Er, start what exactly?"

"Grovelling."

Crap. She was hoping he hadn't heard that part. "Oh. Let's go into my bedroom for some privacy then. Lee's probably listening to us."

"No I'm not," a voice called from the kitchen. "Do continue."

Alicia rolled her eyes and led Harry down the hall to her bedroom. Once inside, she sat down on the edge of her bed and he stood in front of her, his hands still in his pockets.

"Off you go, then."

"Right." Alicia took a deep breath and wondered where to start. She hadn't done a whole lot of grovelling in her life. "Uh, I'm really sorry I got angry at you, Harry."

"I think you can do a little better than that, Alicia."

"Well, what more do you want? Will it make you happy if I get down on my knees or something?"

There was a loud guffaw from the hallway at this point. Alicia groaned in annoyance and stomped to the door. Lee, Fred and George were huddled around the corner, all stifling their laughter in their hands.

"I didn't mean it like that! Go and make yourself useful by picking up letters, you perverts," she ordered.

"I bet that'd definitely make Harry happy," George said, sniggering and nudging his brother.

"Bugger off!"

She stormed back into her room and slammed the door. The laughter and footsteps slowly faded away and she turned back to Harry to find him smiling. "It's not funny!"

"Actually it kinda is," he said, not bothering to wipe the smile from his face. "Look, all I want you to do is explain why you got so angry at me."

"I'd had a shitty morning and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

"We both know there's more to it than that. Were you lying when you said you didn't think you could date a famous person?"

Alicia hesitated as she searched her feelings. "I'm not really sure. I guess I just want to know that I'm not going through all of this trouble for nothing. I'd like to know that it's worth it."

"I'm serious about this. I honestly thought you knew that. I don't think of you as a re-bound girl or anything like that."

"I'm serious about it as well. That's why I got worried when things weren't going perfectly to plan. Do you think things will get better?"

"Absolutely!" he said briskly. "You won't be getting anymore letters and no one can come to your house without risking breaking the Statute of Secrecy."

"So I'm fine as long as I never leave my house? That's just great."

"It'll be all right. You just need to keep your wards up and not answer the door to strangers. When we're out together I'll make sure no one harasses you."

Alicia smiled and moved closer to Harry. "I guess that means we have to go everywhere together. Are you going to become my bodyguard?"

"If you need me to be," he said earnestly.

"Have you considered wearing a cape?"

"Again with the Wonder Boy thing?"

"You might look good in lycra," she said.

"I very much doubt that. Besides, I haven't been much of a superhero today. I tried to make you become friends with that snake, didn't I?"

Alicia shrugged. "Well, you got the point when I started crying and almost fell off the table."

Harry blushed slightly and looked at his feet. "Fred and George told me what they did to you. I'm sorry I pushed it. I brought you a present to make up for it."

"Is it a pony?" Alicia asked excitedly. "I've always wanted a pony."

"It isn't a pony but I'll remember that for next time I traumatise you." Harry removed his fist from his pocket. "Hold out your hand."

Alicia did so and he dropped a small black seed into the palm of her hand. She stared at it. She hoped he didn't expect her to plant it somewhere. Gardening was not one of her strong points. Everything she touched turned to dead. "Thank you. It's…nice. Very nice. Thank you."

"It's a prototype Fred and George gave me last week. Blow on it."

"It won't explode and spray me with green goo?"

"You'll just have to blow on it and find out."

Alicia blew gently on the seed, figuring that if it did explode it would at least spray Harry as well. The tiny seed began shaking in her hand.

"What's it doing?" she asked apprehensively.

"Just watch," he whispered.

The seed cracked open and several thin green tendrils peeked out. They grew before her eyes, unfurling, expanding and separating. In less than ten seconds Alicia was holding a bouquet of a dozen pink and yellow roses.

Harry smiled at her stunned expression. "Nice, huh?"

"Wow. They're…wow. Fred and George Weasley made this?"

"Yep. They can be pretty clever when they want to be. The flowers are supposed to last for a month and they come in heaps of varieties."

Alicia smelt the roses and sighed. "They're beautiful. Thank you. I wish I had something to give you in return."

"I'd settle for a kiss," he said softly.

She obligingly looped an arm around his neck. "I never got around to giving you a good morning kiss, did I?"

"You were too busy crying and yelling at me."

"I guess I'll have to give you an extra big kiss to make up for it."

Harry grabbed her waist and pulled her against him. "That would be the polite thing to do."

Alicia kissed him softly on the mouth, planning for it to be a sweet, romantic kiss. The kind you see in romantic movies as the camera sweeps around the couple and everyone says 'Aaaw'…or throws up in their mouths a little bit.

Harry (obviously not a fan of Meg Ryan or Hugh Grant) disagreed with Alicia's intentions and reacted roughly, causing her to stumble back. She dropped the flowers and reached behind herself to grab the wall. Harry pressed her up against it ungently, which knocked the wind out of her lungs.

She pushed him away and he switched his attention to her neck. "Christ, Harry, a little warning might be nice."

"Sorry," he mumbled insincerely.

"What's with you? You're suddenly very eager. Getting a little anxious?"

"No, I have plenty of restraint. In fact, I'm renowned for my restraint."

"You don't feel very restrained at the moment," Alicia said, squirming as his hand crept up the back of her shirt.

He stopped kissing her collarbone for a moment. "Well, it has been almost six months."

"Oh dear, that must have been excruciating. You're lucky it didn't fall off from lack of use."

Harry blushed then buried his face in her hair. "Don't even joke about stuff like that. My predicament is no laughing matter."

"So it's a predicament now?" Alicia asked, amused despite herself. "You lot make it sound like a life or death situation."

"Well, it's different for 'my lot', isn't it? How long has it been for you?"

Alicia quickly counted back. "Just over a month," she answered.

"Ah. That's why you can afford to be so smarmy."

"I'm not smarmy!"

"Yes you are," he replied, snapping her bra strap.

She squeaked indignantly. "That hurt!"

"Promise to spend the rest of the day alone with me?"

"But my house is full of letters!"

"Make the promise, Alicia," Harry said sternly.

"Fine. I promise."

He nodded in satisfaction and stepped back. "That wasn't too difficult. Now, how long will it take you to get the twins and Lee out of the house?"

"Five or ten minutes."

"I'll give you two minutes."

Alicia brushed her hair out of her face and straightened her clothes. "And they say Hermione is the bossy one."

"Well, ordering you about seems to be the only way to get you to pay attention to me."

Finally, something to look forward to! Alicia nonchalantly said, "Fine. I'll go and get rid of the boys and we'll be-"

"Alicia!"

Katie had come bursting into the room. She had a thick book in one hand and a piece of parchment in the other. She didn't appear to be having a good morning either.

"Go away, Katie!" Alicia said, irritated that she and Harry had been interrupted. "We're a little busy in here."

"Yuck. I don't want to know what you're doing, but you had better stop it!"

Harry, who was looking rather embarrassed, stepped away from Alicia quickly. "Hello, Katie, you look well this morning."

"I look fat," Katie said matter-of-factly. "Come on, Alicia, Angelina is waiting for us in the kitchen."

"She's here as well? Why?"

"I knew you had forgotten," Katie said, stamping her foot. "You promised to help me name this stupid baby."

Alicia slapped her hand to her forehead. "Oh crap. I'm sorry, Katie, but Harry and I just made plans for the day. Can we do it tomorrow?"

"No! My doctor says I can't get stressed and baby names are very stressful. I need to get it out of the way now before everyone gets preoccupied with the World Cup. This kid needs a name!" Katie exclaimed, pointing at her swollen stomach.

"Uh, can't you name it after it's born?" Harry asked.

"Not if I want him to have a normal name!"

Alicia sighed and turned to Harry. "Katie and George can't decide on a name so they made a deal a month ago. They both get to come up with five names they like and the baby's name will be chosen from one of the lists."

"Exactly! This is George's list of names." Katie waved the parchment in her hand. "He's beaten me to it so if I can't find anything we'll end up using one of these."

"They can't be that bad," Alicia reasoned rather naively. She'd momentarily forgotten that they were talking about George. He had famously named his owl Godfrey Dwight Buford III.

"Not bad? They're all awful! He's done it deliberately to annoy me. His first choice is Alberic! What kind of bloody name is that?" Katie demanded.

Harry sniggered and Alicia elbowed him. "Not a good idea to piss her off," she said out of the corner of her mouth.

"What's so funny, Potter?"

"Oh, nothing really. It's just that Alberic is the first name of the man who invented the Dungbomb. I assume that's why George chose it."

Katie's face turned bright red and Alicia could almost imagine steam coming out of her ears. "That idiot! Wait till I see him! He tried to trick me into naming my son after the Dungbomb man!"

"Calm down," Alicia said soothingly. "What about the other names?"

"Reginald, Fernando, Clarence and Gilroy," Katie answered dully.

Harry put his hand over his mouth and turned away. Katie looked stricken so Alicia hurried to her side. "Oh, just ignore him. Not all of them are that bad. Fernando might work. It's very…rustic."

"It's also an ABBA song," Harry added unhelpfully.

"Be quiet, Harry," Alicia said, putting her arm around Katie.

"It's a song?" Katie asked. Tears sprang to her eyes. "I just want my baby to have a nice name. Is that too much to ask?"

"Of course not!" Alicia assured her quickly. "You know, it's not really a bad song."

"Really?"

"There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernaaaaando," Alicia sang. Katie began to cry violently. Alicia winced and looked over at Harry questioningly. "Was I that bad?"

"Yes."

"All right, Katie, that's a no for Fernando. Angie and I will help you find the perfect name."

Katie wiped her eyes and nodded forlornly. "I knew I could count on you. We'll be waiting in the kitchen for you, Leesh."

Katie left and Alicia sighed and retrieved her roses from the floor. "Sorry about this."

"Is it always going to be like this?" Harry asked. "Am I constantly going to have to fight to get you away from your friends?"

"We girls learn very early on that friends always come before boyfriends. Someday it'll change but right now my friends have to take priority. I expect you'd do the same thing if Ron or Hermione was having a crisis."

"I guess so," Harry admitted reluctantly. "I don't have to like it though."

Alicia went over and gave him a consolatory kiss on the cheek. "I don't particularly like it either, but it should only take about ten minutes. Then I'll kick everyone out."

"I suppose I'll just keep clearing up letters while I'm waiting. Would you like me to start in the kitchen?"

"That would be lovely."

The couple left the bedroom and walked down the hall to the living room. It suddenly became apparent that there were even more people for Alicia to get rid of. At some point, Ron, Hermione and Sophie had joined the twins and Lee. Everyone was busily gathering up letters.

"Where'd everyone come from?" Alicia asked.

"We've organised a spiffy little working bee," George said proudly. "You can thank us later."

"I won't thank you at all. I was going to leave the letters for later and spend the day with Harry."

"It wouldn't be a good idea to leave these letters around for much longer. A few of them contain some pretty dodgy magic," Hermione said.

Alicia looked over at the younger woman and couldn't help but wonder if the 'dodgy magic' was just an excuse to keep her away from Harry. "Well how bad is it exactly?"

"We found an envelope by the television which was leaking an icky grey puss. It burnt a hole in your carpet," Fred answered.

"There's also the matter of that letter," Ron said, pointing to the ceiling. "We can't work out what's been done to it."

Alicia looked up and saw an envelope crawl across her ceiling. That definitely hadn't been there before. She watched in fascinated horror as it circled the light fixture. Some people had serious problems.

"We could leave it there if you really want," Lee said brightly. "You could name it Larry and feed it ink."

"Can't you use a spell to get it down?" Harry asked.

Hermione shook her head. "I have a feeling it's a trick. I think that whoever made it is expecting us to do what you just suggested. If we try to hit it with magic it'll do something horrible."

"I want them all out of here as soon as possible," Alicia said firmly. Harry gave a small sigh and she squeezed his hand. "You can wait till tomorrow, can't you?"

"Wait for what?" George asked, unsuccessfully hiding a grin.

"Mind your own business and get back to work. I have to go name your baby so you better be nice to me."

George winked at Harry who looked awkward at the attention. Ron saw his friend in trouble and stepped in. "You know, Alicia, technically you don't have to be here while we get rid of the letters. You and Harry can go somewhere else."

"Like where?" Alicia asked. "I'm public enemy number one in case you haven't noticed."

"Oh!" Fred exclaimed suddenly.

"Of course!" George said a second later.

"We should have thought of it earlier!"

"It'll be perfect!"

"Stop doing that weird twin ESP thing," Ron said, eyeing his brothers unnervingly.

"We know where Alicia and Harry can go!" Fred announced triumphantly.

"I don't think I even want to know," Alicia groaned.

"Where's the Portkey we got you for your birthday?" George asked.

Alicia frowned. "I'd forgotten all about that thing. It's over on the bookcase. Where does the Portkey actually go?"

"Can't tell you that." Fred crunched over letters to snatch the Portkey box from the shelf. "Lee and I will go and let the company know that you're going to do it today. They'll secure everything and give you a departure time."

"I don't think I like the idea of using a mystery Portkey that you guys organised," Harry said, glancing briefly at Alicia.

"It might end up being nice," she said slowly. "At the very least we'd be alone for a while."

Alicia could see Harry's mind sift through the pros and cons. His countenance shifted several times as his common sense struggled to assert itself. When he looked at Alicia it was clear to everyone that his common sense has lost badly.

Fred took his wand out of his pocket. "The hormones win!"

"Yay for hormones!" Lee shouted.

The pair Apparated abruptly and Alicia's own common sense reared up. "On second thoughts, this might not be such a good idea."

"Alicia Spinnet, get your damn arse in here!"

"Coming, Katie!"

xxxxx

Two hours later, much progress had been made. The living room and hallway were completely free of letters and Hermione and Ron were making trips back and forth to the Ministry with overflowing bags. Katie had fallen in love with the name Caelan and she was now fighting with George over a middle name. Harry had almost finished clearing the kitchen and Alicia had not had a panic attack. Things were good all around.

"What's taking them so long?" Harry asked for about the fifth time.

Alicia shrugged, not looking up from whatever it was she was reading. "I don't know. Fred and Lee are easily distracted. They probably saw some bright flashing lights and stopped to stare for a while."

Harry kicked the envelopes at his feet, checking that they were safe to touch. There had been a nasty incident when a letter bit Sophie on the hand. Nothing tried to bite Harry, but he did find something very interesting.

"Tired of me already?" he asked Alicia.

"Huh?"

"Is this my replacement?"

"What are you on about?" she asked, too engrossed in her reading to look up.

Harry held the photograph of a naked man in front of Alicia's face. She screamed and almost fell backwards off her chair. "That is thoroughly disgusting! Do me a favour and burn that photo."

Harry waved the picture at her as she tried to fend him away. "You don't like him? I think his hat is rather fetching."

Alicia snatched the photo and tore it up into tiny pieces. She smirked and dropped the remains back into Harry's hand. "Be a dear and throw that away."

"Poor naked man. He put himself out there like that and you just shoot him down. He'll be heartbroken," Harry said, dropping the shredded photo into the rubbish bin.

"Like I care," Alicia muttered, going back to her reading.

Harry, deciding it was time to take a break, sat down across from her. "What are you reading?"

"Letters."

"You were told not to open anymore," he scolded.

"This time I recognised the logos on the envelopes. These two are from the Daily Prophet and Witch Weekly."

"How much are they offering?"

Alicia looked up at him, seeming more than a little surprised. "How did you know what the letters were about?"

"Wasn't hard to work out. I knew everyone would be after you for an exclusive interview. How much is the Weekly offering?"

"Ten thousand Galleons."

"Wow. They only offered Danni five thousand. You must be really interesting." Harry smiled at her startled expression. "Everyone already knew Danni and she isn't exactly demure when it comes to publicity. I think they've done their homework and know that you're going to be a little harder to coax out. Is the Prophet going to double the offer?"

"Yes."

Harry nodded. "I thought they might do that. Either way, you should do an interview as soon as possible."

"You're saying I should actually accept one of these offers?"

"You can choose any magazine or newspaper you like. Donate the money to charity if you don't want it. Just set the record straight before the crazy rumours start."

"People are willing to pay thousands of Galleons to ask me questions?" Alicia asked, looking incredulously at the parchments before her.

"You're the new 'it' girl. By tomorrow the world will know your life story. Everyone will have their own opinion on you, but people will be cautious because of what happened with Danni. Don't take any of it to heart."

"This is terrifying."

Harry was about to say something comforting when George and Katie interrupted him. He began to wonder is Alicia's friends ever left her alone.

"Alicia! Tell George that he can't choose Cornelius to be Caelan's middle name!"

"The deal was that I get to choose any middle name I like if I let you have Caelan as the first name! You can't change the rules now!"

"Stop shouting in my house," Alicia ordered. "If you keep arguing I'll take the baby away and neither of you will get to play with him."

"Cornelius," Katie repeated urgently. "He'll be beaten up at school."

"Cornelius is a very regal name," George said matter-of-factly. "It's the name of that Emperor fellow, isn't it, Alicia? You know, the one we learnt about in Muggle Studies?"

"Emperor Cornelius?" Harry said, wondering (not for the first time) if Alicia's friends were altogether in the head.

"I think he's talking about Napoleon," Alicia replied calmly.

"That's who I meant! Caelan's middle name is going to be Napoleon."

"You made it worse, not better!" Katie accused Alicia.

"How did he manage to mix up Napoleon with Cornelius?" Harry asked blankly. Furthermore, how could Alicia just sit there calmly when her friends were obviously in need of serious medicating?

"You could give him a family member's name," Alicia suggested. "Plenty of people do that. I have my grandmother's name as my middle name."

"That sounds like a nice idea," Katie said enthusiastically, elbowing George. "I could put up with Arthur."

"Too late. Bill's son has Arthur as a middle name," George said. "Would it be too weird if his middle name was Molly?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer," Katie snarled.

"What about your grandfather?" Alicia asked.

"Ignatius?"

"Alicia, you're making it worse again!"

"Relax. I meant his other grandfather."

"Joseph?" George and Katie said at the same time.

"Caelan Joseph Weasley," Alicia confirmed.

"That's not bad actually." Katie put her hand on her stomach. "Do you approve of it, baby?"

"What does he think?" Alicia asked as Harry looked on in bewilderment.

"He didn't kick me in the spleen so I'm going to take that as a yes. He loves the name."

George crouched down and kissed Katie's stomach. "We'll see you soon, Caelan Joseph. Do you think you could make it a Sunday afternoon? I finish work early on Sundays."

"He's talking to her stomach," Harry whispered.

"He does it all the time," Alicia said, watching her friends and smiling fondly.

"I love you, Georgie."

"I love you, too, Kit-Kat."

They began kissing rather passionately and Harry raised his eyebrows at Alicia. She cleared her throat. "That's enough, guys, you're frightening Harry. Take it somewhere else or I'll throw cold water over you."

George and Katie left, still sneaking kisses as they disappeared. Harry let out a loud breath. "Your friends really need you, don't they?"

"Of course they do. I'm the relatively sane one of the group. If I weren't around they'd have ended up in padded rooms years ago."

"And you need them as well."

Alicia smiled and shrugged. "My life would be a lot more boring without them. Besides that, I do love the nutters. Maybe that makes me crazy by association."

"Perhaps a little," Harry agreed with an affectionate grin. He was really beginning to like her. She was quite unlike any woman he'd ever met. Technically, he didn't know many well, but Alicia was definitely nothing like Hermione, Ginny or Danni.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"No reason," he lied.

Fred poked his head inside the kitchen and smiled at the couple. He came into the kitchen with an envelope clutched in his hand. "I just had to check that you weren't doing anything indecent in here."

"Not another one," Harry groaned. "I can't wait till we can get away from these people."

"What do you want, Fred?"

"I think you should read this letter." Smiling, he handed her the envelope.

"She's not supposed to open any of them," Harry said, snatching the letter straight back out of Alicia's hand.

"This one is perfectly safe. Do you recognise who it's from?"

Harry looked down at the envelope. In the corner there was overlapping W's beside a picture of a wand shooting sparks. He recognised the logo instantly. "What do they want with Alicia?"

"That's what I'd like to know. Let her open it!" Fred insisted as Angelina joined them in the room.

"I think I better open it just in case." Harry tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter. Wordlessly, he handed it to Alicia.

"Who is it from?" she asked hesitantly.

"Another magazine. Have you heard of Wicked Witch?"

"Isn't that the magazine with all the half naked women in it?" Angelina asked.

"What the hell would they want with me?"

"Read it and find out!" Fred ordered, bouncing with excitement.

Alicia unfolded the letter and read through it quickly. Her face grew redder by the second. She stared at the letter as if in disbelief. "Er, it seems they want me to be in their bikini calendar next year. Apparently I even get to pick my own month."

"Be Miss February!" Fred exclaimed. "She's always the hottest one. I'll definitely buy the calendar if you're in it."

"You'll buy it anyway, you perve." Angelina turned to Alicia. "You aren't going to do it, are you?"

"Of course not," Alicia said firmly. She fanned her warm face with the letter and giggled. "It was nice to be asked though."

Harry smiled at her. "I believe that proves that not everyone in the world hates you. The magazine wouldn't ask you to be in their calendar if they didn't think people wanted to see you in a bikini."

Flushed with embarrassment and pleasure, Alicia stared at her hands. Harry decided it wouldn't be a good time to mention that Danni had been in the Wicked Witch bikini calendar for four straight years. He definitely wasn't going to mention that she was Miss February for this year

"Where's Lee?" Alicia asked quickly, changing the subject before Fred could make another lewd comment.

"He's in the living room talking to Sophie. We've sorted out your Portkey. You need to be ready to leave at exactly eleven this morning."

"I have to wait two hours?" Harry asked, his voice a little more desperate than he meant it to sound.

"Can't even wait two hours," Angelina said with a wistful sigh. "Fred used to be like that."

"Now all I have to do is snap my fingers and you come running."

"Keep dreaming, Fred," Angelina said, patting him on the arm.

"You've certainly changed your tune since last night on Alicia's desk."

"Hey! I specifically told you not to go near my desk!"

"Do I even want to know?" Harry asked.

Alicia glared up at her friends. "My desk has been defiled and now I shall have no choice but to burn it."

Angelina at least looked a little ashamed. Fred just smiled lasciviously. "You're such a hypocrite, Leesh. Lee told us about the time the two of you christened your office."

"Excuse me?" Harry said, hoping he had misunderstood.

"Shut up, Fred. Lee should learn to keep his mouth shut as well," Alicia snapped, her cheeks rosy.

"He also mentioned something about the locker room."

"Fred!" Alicia cried, half jumping out of her seat.

"Don't worry, I'll yell at him for you," Angelina offered, taking her fiancé by the arm and dragging him from the kitchen.

Harry raised his eyebrows at Alicia and she began nervously shuffling parchment around the table. Plastering on a horribly forced smile, she said, "So, doesn't this Portkey trip sound like fun? Lots of fun. Fun, fun."

"How long were you with Lee again?" Harry asked, opting to ignore her attempt at changing the subject.

Alicia groaned angrily, obviously realising that she couldn't get out of it. "As I've already explained, I wasn't really 'with' him."

"The two of you just shagged all over the place?"

"Not all over the place…"

"Was it nice?" Harry asked lightly.

"I don't know," Alicia said, awkwardly getting up from the table and randomly straightening appliances.

"Well, it was either good or it wasn't. You can tell me because I really don't care either way."

"If you don't care then why are you asking?"

"I'm just curious," Harry said nonchalantly, taking small pleasure in watching her squirm. "You know all about Danni and me thanks to the media. It seems a little unfair that I know nothing about your previous relationships."

Alicia began shaking the toaster over the sink to dislodge crumbs. "You're nosy."

"You're evasive."

"You're both idiots," Lee said from the doorway. "Stop arguing like children and go pack your bags to stay overnight."

"Overnight?" Alicia asked, as Harry glared at the latest intruder

"That's what I said, sugar. I never got around to buying you a birthday present so I figured I might as well pay for you to spend the night in a hotel after your Portkey tour."

Alicia slammed the toaster down and folded her arms. "What kind of hotel, Lee?"

"It's a very nice one and I got you the best room in the place. It was a very kind gesture on my part. Don't go getting all stroppy about it," Lee said. His dark eyes glinting, he turned to Harry and said, "By the way, it was spectacular."

"What was?" Harry asked, glancing at Alicia for help.

Lee just raised his eyebrows suggestively then left the kitchen as suddenly as he had entered.

"Oh. He was talking about that," Harry said listlessly. Now he wished he hadn't asked in the first place.

"Just ignore him." Alicia sighed and turned back to wash the crumbs from the sink. "He's definitely up to something. I bet the twins are in on it as well and that's a bad sign."

"They wouldn't put you in danger, would they?"

"No, but they can still cause a lot of harmless mischief. I don't expect you to come, you know."

Right. As if he could leave her at the mercy of those troublemakers. Hero complex and all that. "It's all right, I want to go with you," Harry said.

"I guess we should go pack then. Since we don't know where we're going we should probably wear layers. I'll also bring some money in case they try to strand us somewhere."

"Good idea. I'll go home and be back at quarter to eleven." Harry stood up and hesitantly took his wand out of his pocket. He didn't know if he should kiss her goodbye or not. They'd only be apart for an hour and a half. He didn't want to seem desperate. Well, more desperate, at least.

Alicia solved the dilemma by kissing him enthusiastically as he stood there contemplating his choices.

Suddenly he didn't feel like leaving.

xxxxx

"Red or black?" Alicia asked, holding up the only fancy lingerie she owned.

"Red," Angelina answered. "Do you really think it'll happen tonight?"

"You saw Harry today. What do you reckon?"

"Better take the black as well," Angelina conceded.

"Caelan Joseph Weasley, put down that Dungbomb!"

Alicia and Angelina stared at Katie as she shouted at the ceiling. "What are you doing?" Alicia asked gently.

"Practising," Katie answered. She pointed at the ceiling angrily. "Caelan Joseph Weasley, what have I told you about blowing things up?"

Angelina narrowed her eyes at the ceiling. "Go to the naughty corner, Caelan Joseph Weasley!"

Alicia put her hands on her hips and glared up as well. "Stop licking the television, Caelan Joseph Weasley!"

"Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"Definitely." Alicia smiled and went to lie down on her bed beside Katie. "You're going to have a beautiful baby."

"I know," Katie said immodestly. "Hopefully he'll take after me in personality as well."

"We can only hope," Angelina said, joining her friends on the bed. "And who knows, after your beautiful baby, Alicia could be next?"

Alicia let out a bark of laughter at this suggestion. "As if. Babies and husbands are your thing, not mine. I like sleeping through the night and not being covered in vomit, poop and drool. That scary stuff can wait till much later."

"Harry might have something different to say about it."

"No way. He's too young for it to even cross his mind."

"I think Caelan agrees," Katie said, taking Alicia's hand and placing it on her stomach.

"I can already tell this kid is destined to be one hell of a Quidditch player," Alicia commented, as the tiny Weasley shifted around beneath her hand.

"Don't say hell in front of my baby," George said from the doorway. "He can hear us, you know."

"What are you doing here, George?"

"At the moment I'm imagining the three of you naked. Oh, I'm also meant to tell you Harry's back."

"Bloody moron," Alicia said, rolling off the bed and returning to her packing.

"Cover Caelan's ears, Katie."

"Like I know where his ears are!"

Alicia was really beginning to look forward to the Portkey trip. Even if she and Harry ended up in the middle of the Sahara desert, she'd at least get a break from the craziness for a while. She picked up her small suitcase and elbowed roughly past George on her way out of her bedroom.

In the living room Alicia unexpectedly found Harry on his hands and knees alongside Ron and Hermione. "What are you all doing on the floor?"

Harry jumped up, looking a little embarrassed. "They managed to coax that letter down from the ceiling, but now it's hiding under the sofa."

"Don't worry, we'll get it," Hermione said confidently, grabbing a thick book from the coffee table and flicking through it.

"She always did love a challenge," Ron said, getting to his feet and patting his girlfriend on the head.

"Ready to go?" Lee asked. He was sitting in an armchair eating peanut butter from the jar with his finger.

"Is that entirely necessary?" Alicia asked, scrunching up her nose in disgust.

"It's not like you have any other food in the house."

"Go and eat all of Sophie's food then."

"Can't. She kicked me out about an hour ago."

Alicia slapped her hand to her forehead. "Oh God, what did you do this time?"

"The Portkey is glowing," Harry said, stepping in front of Alicia and blocking her view of Lee.

"Leave your stuff here and I'll take it to the hotel for you," Lee offered kindly.

"You aren't going to get away with not telling me," Alicia warned.

While she was still glaring at Lee, Harry placed the glowing crystal ball Portkey into her cupped hands. He placed his hands on top of it.

"Ten seconds," Fred said, staring at his watch.

"Don't worry, I'll stay here tonight and look after Jasper for you," Lee said, smiling cunningly at Alicia.

"Hey!"

"No need to thank me."

"Seven seconds."

"Don't set anything on fire or try to teach Jasper how to fetch food for you. He'll just scratch your eyes out," Alicia said quickly. "Don't use the microwave and remember not to stick knives in the toaster. The television is not a toy!"

"Three seconds."

"No house parties!"

Lee saluted her. "Yes, ma'am."

Alicia's stomach twitched and she was suddenly whirling away from her house in a blur of colour and sound. The spinning got faster and her stomach roiled. Alarmingly, the spinning still wasn't letting up a minute later. Normally, Portkey trips didn't take so long. The only thing that kept her from panicking was the fact that Harry's hands were still touching hers.

Most Portkey landings Alicia had experienced were slightly bumpy, but otherwise tame. This particular trip ended with the two of them being thrown violently on the ground. Alicia fell face down and Harry dropped on top of her.

"That was certainly different," he commented as he eased himself off her. "Are you all right?"

Alicia rolled onto her back. "I think I swallowed some grass. Can you die from that?"

"I doubt it."

"Then I'm fine."

Wherever the pair had ended up, it was the middle of the night. And cold. Alicia zipped her jacket closed and stared up at the starry sky.

"Where are we?" Harry asked, looking around.

"Very far from home," Alicia answered. She pointed up at a constellation. "That's the southern cross. We're in the southern hemisphere."

"Well that would explain the long trip and the crap landing." Harry stood up and turned around to get a better look at where they were. He gasped softly. "Whoa. Check this out, Alicia."

She got to her feet quickly and stood beside him. She gasped at the view as well. They were about fifty metres away from a large shimmery lake, which was surrounded by snow-capped mountains. "It's beautiful."

She took a couple of steps forward, but stopped when she reached a ring of candles. Apparently they were surrounded by unlit candles. "We could be in South America somewhere. I think there are cold places there. I doubt there's any snow in Africa, though."

"We aren't in South America or Africa. Welcome to New Zealand, Alicia."

Alicia turned back to find Harry reading a piece of parchment by wand light. "Where'd that come from?"

"You were lying on it. Sit down and I'll read it to you."

"We should light the candles first."

"I'll do it," Harry said. He closed his eyes and held out one of his hands. Two dozens candles flickered to life around them, bathing them in gentle light.

A shiver ran down Alicia spine. That was magic at its rawest. She could feel it in the air; hell she could almost taste it! She'd never seen anyone do such overt wandless magic. While she was hero-worshipping Harry, a glint of glass caught her eye at the other end of their circle.

"I love Fred and George." She sighed happily as she retrieved the bottle of champagne and the two glasses.

Alicia poured the champagne and Harry began to read. "Welcome to your first destination of the Moonlight Portkey Tour. You have travelled all the way to the other side of the world thanks to the latest improvements in Portkey travel. You are in New Zealand-"

"Yay!" Alicia interrupted excitedly.

"Ssh. You are in New Zealand, but this is not your final destination. The very same Portkey you just used will reactivate every hour. At midnight you will be sent to a new destination."

Alicia zoned out and stared at Harry as she sipped her drink. She was alone in New Zealand with Harry Potter! Talk about perfect opportunities. He was now saying something boring about the International Date Line and Greenwich Mean Time. There was no way she could let such a promising situation pass her by.

She placed her glass beside her and crawled closer to Harry. He glanced at her suspiciously but kept reading. She suppressed a giggle and took his glasses off.

"Hey, I can't read without those."

"Oh, what a pity. That was so riveting."

Harry tried to grab his glasses back, but Alicia held them behind her back. "I know you're being sarcastic, but I was finding it rather interesting. I was about to read you some information about New Zealand. Did you know there are lots of sheep here?"

"Really?" Alicia whispered as she pressed her lips to his neck.

Harry swallowed loudly. "Yes. Lots of sheep. New Zealand is referred to as The Land of the Long White Cloud."

"Fascinating."

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to pull your jumper over your head. Put your arms up."

"Here?" Harry asked. He snatched her hands and held them tightly in his grasp. "You're insane! I'll get frostbite and bits of me will fall off. Bits I need."

"Don't worry about that, I know how to keep you warm." She tried to kiss him but he held her back.

"We can't do it here!"

"Why not? It'd be fun to tell everyone I shagged Harry Potter in The Land of the Long White Sheep."

"Cloud," Harry corrected tersely. "You aren't going to be able to shag anyone if I don't cooperate."

"Come on, who else can say the first time they made love was beside a lake in New Zealand?"

"Quite a few sheep, I'd imagine."

"Where's your sense of adventure?" Alicia asked morosely, realising that Harry wasn't going to change his mind.

"I think I lost it either the second or third time Voldemort tried to kill me. May I have my glasses back now?"

"Fine." Alicia handed them back and retrieved her champagne, which she drank in two gulps.

"I'm really sorry, Alicia."

"Forget about it. There's still the hotel room." Alicia sat next to him and pulled his arm around her shoulders. "For now you can tell me more about New Zealand."

Alicia kept her hands to herself for the most part and a minute before midnight the Portkey began to glow. They each put a hand on it and were soon whirled off to their next destination. This new place excited Alicia beyond belief.

"A beach! I love beaches!"

Harry lit the candles again and picked up the parchment. "Says here that we're in Vanuatu."

Alicia sat down in the sand and began to pull her shoes and socks off. "Come down to the water with me."

"But Muggles can see you if you leave the circle of candles."

"You're a real worry-wart. I bet there isn't another soul for miles."

"I'd still prefer to stay here."

"Your loss!"

Alicia rolled up the bottoms of her jeans and ran down to the shore. She stomped and kicked around in the shallows like a five-year-old on her first trip to the seaside. Afraid that she might actually go for a swim and be eaten by a shark or a giant squid, Harry called her back after a few minutes.

"How was it?"

"It's colder than it looks. Totally worth it though. Did we get more alcohol here?"

"Nope. Cheese platter this time."

"Mmm. It's lunch time back home, isn't it? I suppose that's why I'm so hungry."

They ate their cheese in the sand as Harry read the information provided about Vanuatu. Alicia was trying to dare Harry to eat some strange smelling blue cheese when the Portkey began to glow again.

"Looks like it's almost midnight again," Harry said, placing the Portkey in Alicia's hands.

"I think you mean that it's one in the morning."

"No. If you had listened to me back in New Zealand you would have heard me say that every time we go to a new place we jump back an hour because of the International Date Line. That means we always arrive at eleven and leave at midnight. Of course, that doesn't account for local stuff like daylight savings."

"Ok. So it's midday in England?"

Harry shook his head and smiled at her. "No, it's one in the afternoon."

"You just said we jumped back an hour." Alicia frowned intensely. "How can that work?"

"Look, don't strain yourself trying to work it out. Women's brains aren't made to work out complicated problems."

Alicia shoved the stinky blue cheese into his mouth.

Their next destination was Australia. They were high up on a cliff-top lookout in the Blue Mountains of New South Wales. From their high perch they could see the Quidditch stadium, which was the venue for the upcoming World Cup.

Voldemort's rampaging followers had destroyed it when Harry defeated the Dark Lord in his last year at school. It had taken a while to get more financing and to re-build, but the Cup was postponed till it was done. Harry became a lot more animated when he saw the stadium and he was reluctant to leave. Alicia assured him that he would be returning to the Blue Mountains in August.

After Australia they went back to the northern hemisphere. This time they were in Japan overlooking the bright lights of Tokyo. They went back to Australia next, this time overlooking the Indian Ocean on the west coast. Their final foreign destination was Thailand. Beside a river deep in a jungle, Harry and Alicia were very surprised to find a large tiger prowling along the riverbank only metres from them.

"Have I mentioned that I love Fred and George?" Alicia whispered in awe.

The tiger pricked up its ear and looked around. Inside their protected circle it couldn't see them, but it could still hear them and smell them. This seemed to confuse and annoy it. So, Harry and Alicia sat in silence, alone with their own thoughts for the last hour of their tour.

Now that the tour was over, they were to be taken to Lee's special hotel room. The tired pair was treated with another long trip and rough landing. Harry managed to keep his balance this time, but Alicia fell heavily on her backside.

When she opened her eyes she squealed and shut them again. "Oh my God, where are we, Harry? Did we Portkey straight into hell?"

"It's a hotel room," Harry said, helping her up and pulling her hands away from her eyes.

The room was so red that it hurt Alicia's eyes. The lurid wallpaper was red and pink striped. The red velvet curtains were all pulled shut and some stupid person had replaced the normal light globes with red ones, giving the room an evil sort of tint. A heart shaped bed by the wall had red silk covers and rose petals had been scattered over it. Big surprise – the petals were red as well.

Alicia's eyes jumped from one horrid thing to the next. Perhaps the worst thing of all was the mirror that hung on the ceiling above the bed. Lee was really going to be in for it when Alicia next saw him.

"Rather tacky, isn't it?" Harry asked.

"Tacky? It's vomit-inducing!"

"I guess subtlety isn't really Lee's strong point."

"I bet he thinks he's really clever. Wait till I see him," Alicia growled. She walked over to the heart shaped bed and kicked it. "I thought these only existed in pornographic films."

"Why is there a mirror on the ceiling?"

Alicia turned to Harry and raised her eyebrows. "Yeah right."

"What? It was a perfectly normal question."

"You're actually serious!" Alicia began to laugh loudly.

"What's so funny? I only want to know why someone would put a mirror on the ceiling where no one can see it."

"I'll tell you when you're older, honey." Alicia laughed harder, stumbling away from him and falling onto the (red) two-seater sofa.

"What did I do?" Harry asked, not enjoying being laughed at.

"Nothing. You're just too cute for words."

Harry made a displeased sort of noise and flicked off the lights as Alicia found a bowl of strawberries on the coffee table. Harry threw open the curtains and looked out to see the sun setting above a familiar skyline.

"Hey, we're in London. I can Apparate home from here."

"You want to leave?" Alicia asked.

"Don't you?"

"I don't know. It's not like we can go anywhere else. Lee is at my house and Ron is at yours."

"We should probably just wait to…you know."

Alicia frowned, wondering if she had something wrong. "You weren't saying that earlier today."

"I've had too much time to think about it."

"Come and sit down beside me," Alicia said gently. "Have a strawberry? Lee left them for us with a note saying that we should eats lots because they're aphrodisiacs."

"Are they really?" Harry asked, sitting beside her and taking the proffered fruit.

"I doubt it. Lee once told me that marmalade was an aphrodisiac. I suspect he just thinks everything is an aphrodisiac."

"Were you thinking about Lee in New Zealand?" Harry asked, not meeting her eyes.

"No. Were you thinking about Danni?"

"Yes."

Alicia almost choked on her strawberry. "What? Why were you thinking about her?"

"She was the first and only one for me."

That was definitely news to Alicia. "But I assumed-"

"Assumed what? I can't exactly go and have anonymous one night stands, can I?"

That made sense. Alicia didn't think it would be prudent to tell Harry that he would be her fifth. "So what? None of this matters to me."

"It will. I'm not spectacular like Lee."

"Oh, just forget about him. He fancies himself too much. Is that what this is all about? Afraid you won't be able to perform?" she teased.

"Don't say it like that!" Harry snapped, jumping up from the sofa and stalking away.

All sorts of alarm bells started going off in Alicia's mind. She'd accidentally hit a nerve and now Harry was freaking out. Somewhere along the line she'd forgotten that he was only twenty-years-old. He was barely out of his teens and she was heaping pressure on him.

Not that sex really mattered. Of course it didn't. Relationships survived without it all the time. He probably wasn't as bad as he thought he was. He couldn't be that bad. It didn't make sense.

If Alicia wasn't careful, she'd start freaking out as well. She could keep telling herself that sex didn't matter, but her sweaty palms told the real story. She was panicking.

She'd never been in a situation like this. The men she'd been with had always been more experienced than her so she hadn't had to worry. They had all been confident and they all knew what they were doing. Even Kieran had at least deluded himself into to thinking that he knew what he was doing. It was going to be up to Alicia to fix things this time around.

"She never liked it," Harry mumbled from across the room.

"Who?"

"Danni. She never said she liked it. She didn't initiate it like you did in New Zealand. We hardly ever did it at all."

Alicia relaxed a great deal. That explained it. "Oh, Harry. Are you basing all of this on something Danni did? You know what she's like. She wanted to have control of you. What better way to do that than through sex?"

"But she never had a…you know."

"Never?" Alicia asked hesitantly. That wasn't a very good sign.

"I don't think so." Harry was standing by the door now, looking like he wanted to make a run for it.

"Relax. That isn't necessarily your fault. She could have been holding back or purposefully making sure you weren't doing it right. There is any number of explanations for it."

"One of which is that I'm just rubbish at it," Harry said morosely.

Alicia put her head in her hands. She was thoroughly thwarted. Somehow Danni had managed to ruin Harry for every other woman in the world. Alicia had no idea how to fix it. Might as well sit back and have some strawberries in the hellish hotel room that she hadn't paid for.

"So…strange weather we're having, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

Shrugging, she got up from the sofa and headed for the mini bar. "Just trying to find a non-sexual topic of conversation. Hmm. Weather is kinda sexy when you think about it though. There's a high-pressure system moving in from the south. It's going to be a wet weekend!"

"That's not helping," Harry muttered.

"Sorry. I need something to drink. Ooh. Vodka in a tiny bottle. You want something?"

"No."

"Suit yourself." Alicia twisted the lid off her drink and held it aloft for a second. "Here's to tomorrow being less psychotic than the last two days."

---

A/N: Will they or won't they? If they do, will Harry mess it up? Will the pervy author have to bump the rating up to M? The way things are going she'll have to. Sorry if it was too full on for some people. Sometimes it's just needed. They're consenting adults, after all. I hope I was sufficiently tactful though!

Next chapter will hopefully be out sooner than this one. Before HBP if all goes to plan. Look forward to the usual hilarity and craziness as Harry meets Alicia family!