Chapter 22

A hollow stillness filled the bedroom without a sound to be heard. The sun was shining outside yet it almost seemed dim as Elsa sat in the emptiness. At first she'd tried to ignore it, to push it towards the back of her mind, only to find it slipping back up through an endless stream of thoughts. At first she'd hoped that escaping outside might help, but of course that had to be interrupted. Not that it mattered. Running away was never going to rid her of the dilemma before her.

So, after that brief yet futile attempt, she'd slinked back to her quarters. If nothing else then just to be away from everyone else. Elsa had no idea what Kresta had been going on about and she really didn't care. She had enough problems rolling around her head without having to worry about someone else's. And to hear her mention Aaron… jealousy was the last thing she needed at the moment. It certainly didn't help that Kresta appeared to be more appropriate by the day…

She couldn't think about that now, though. Not after what Cyrus did.

His words kept echoing in her ears over and over, whether she wanted them to or not. The way he'd shed his sleazy exterior to reveal logic and reason underneath, which was so much worse. Why couldn't he have just stayed the offensive rogue she'd thought he was? That way she could just ignore him forever. Instead he'd made everything so much harder by offering a proposal she wasn't sure she could refuse.

But Elsa had to refuse it. How could she not? It wasn't like she could just throw away the last two years of her life like it was nothing. Even so, upon reentering her chambers, she'd found the foyer unbearable. Any reminder of him was. And how right she knew he probably was.

She was so lost in thought that she didn't notice that the room around her actually wasn't completely silent. Instead there was a subtle yet deep grating that filled the air. The sound of ice scraping against ice. It flowed onto the floor beneath her, completely ignored as it fanned out in all directions in the form of thick slabs. Slabs that ever so slowly swirled around her, like glaciers grinding through a valley that were inevitably growing larger.

But they grew still when her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock on the door.

"What?" Elsa snapped in response before she could catch herself. Clamping down on her agitation, the best she could manage was, "Who is it?"

The response was hesitant as they answered, "Lady Helena, your majesty. I have something for you."

The last thing she felt like doing was talking to someone, even if it was Aaron's sister as she wearily replied, "Can't you just leave it in the foyer?"

"It's important, your majesty."

Her insistence only aggravated Elsa further and were it anyone else she would have dismissed them immediately. She couldn't just do that with Helena, though. She was Aaron's sister, after all, and if she really did care about him then she had to show her at least some courtesy, didn't she? Because she would always care, no matter how complicated things got. Or at least that was what she kept telling herself.

After some silent wrestling, she eventually sighed and gave in by uttering, "Enter."

It was only then that Elsa noticed the plane of frost beneath her feet and felt a stab of panic. Again? It couldn't just keep acting without her consent, not if she didn't want something horrible to happen again. Yet, try as she might, the forces within her refused to obey completely, no matter how hard she tried. Fortunately it still only took a flick of her fingers to dissolve it all back into nothing as the door started to open.

Looking up, she did her best to look calm as Helena gingerly stepped into the room. She was almost wary as gave a short bow, not that Elsa could blame her. Given their last real encounter she would have been careful as well. "Good day, Queen Elsa. His grace King Cyrus bade me to deliver this," she said with her eyes lowered, offering a small scroll in her hand.

Oh. Elsa hadn't realized it until now but when Helena said it was important she'd been hoping it didn't have to do with him. But of course it did. She worked for him so what else could it be about. Doing her best to swallow her disappointment, she waved towards her bedside table while dismissing her. "Ah. Please set it on the table there and shut the door behind you when you leave."

Elsa should have known better than to say that, considering what she knew was on that table, but it didn't occur to her until Helena mentioned it. "What's this?"

Looking up from her gloom, Esa felt another jolt of panic when she saw that Helena had crossed the room to deposit the scroll and had also opened the small box resting there to reveal the petite flameshard nestled within. Undoubtedly she could sense it or something but that didn't mean that Elsa was looking to share it with her as she quickly answered, "Oh, that's nothing." Instantly regretting her words, her eyes sank shut with a sigh before she muttered, "It's just a… memento of sorts."

A vestige of simpler times that she would have loved to go back to.

"I guess I know who from." A long stillness followed as Elsa silently wished for her to leave, so that she could be alone with her shame. Only Helena didn't leave. Instead she said, "Actually, before I go I wanted to say something."

The anger that always seemed to be lurking just beneath Elsa's fear these days reared at her insistence, causing her to grumble, "Why does everyone want to talk to me all of a sudden?" Why couldn't she just be left alone?

"Sorry. I just wanted to say thank you."

Opening her eyes at how heavy the response was, she noticed that Helena wasn't looking at her. Instead she was just gazing down at the stone as confusion overcame ire. "Thank you?"

Helena didn't say anything for a while. All she did was watch the warm light rolling within the small orb before eventually speaking very slowly. "For finding my brother. If you hadn't brought him here I don't know that I ever would have found him again. And I know that our bond may seem… strained. But you'll never know what he means to me."

She never looked at Elsa once as she spoke, instead just standing there as the weight of her young life seemed to crush down on her. There was a weariness far beyond what someone her age should have had in her eyes but that vanished when she glanced over. Recalling where she was, Helena cleared her throat while stiffening back into a professional stance and turning towards the door. "Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I'll let you get back to what you were doing."

Instantly Elsa's anger melted into regret as she sat there depressedly. She'd just been trying to connect with her over someone important in both their lives yet Elsa just couldn't meet her halfway. Not with what she was actually considering. If Helena knew she was even thinking about hurting her brother, who knew how she'd react. Of course, she was also one of the few people Elsa could even mention that to. Not that she wanted to. It was better if she just buried it and kept it to herself as always.

But she couldn't just say nothing.

"Wait."

The word slipped from her almost unbidden as Helena hesitated. She'd been about to step out of the room only to give Elsa an uneasy look. "Yes, your majesty?"

Elsa was doing her best to look calm as a silent war raged within her. Years of instinctually bottling everything up struggled to restrain the rising need to talk to someone, anyone about the torment clawing further and further into her. Eventually, though, one side won out and in spite of her pain she choked out, "No, never mind. You may go."

In spite of her efforts, signs were clearly slipping through as Helena's uncertainty started to turn into concern. "Is something wrong, Queen Elsa?"

"Not at all." Just tell her. But I shouldn't trust her. But I can't not talk about this. "I'm just…"

"Elsa." Dropping all formality, Helena turned to address her directly. "Are you alright?"

Just like that, her question leveled Elsa's attempts to remain proper as it also cleaved deep into her reluctance. After all, without her status between them, it was just one woman talking to another. And she so badly wanted to talk. Only she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Instead Elsa gave into a sigh followed by a sad smile as her gaze fell. Her words also seemed to drop to the floor as she muttered, "You know, Aaron wants me to trust you so badly."

"But you're not so sure that you should."

Her smile became even more meek as she glanced up. "Can you blame me?"

She was worried that her words might offend Helena somehow but she hardly reacted as she shrugged. "Hardly. It's like you said that night. I literally work for a foreign power, so how could you not be suspicious?" With that her gaze tightened as she gazed at Elsa before she glanced at the door to swing it shut silently. She only continued after it was closed. "But I haven't waited this long to find Aaron again to let anyone get in the way. Not even Cyrus. And if you're as important to him as he says you are, then that applies to you as well."

"He said that?"

Once again Elsa found herself speaking inadvertently before managing to clamp up again. Helena didn't mock or rebuke her, though. Instead she just gave a soft smile as she gently crossed the room to the chair Elsa was sitting in next to the window. Leaning against the window sill while looking down at her, she asked, "So. Do you want to talk about whatever's bothering you?"

The last shreds of Elsa's reluctance were evaporating under her kind approach, already weakened by her desire to do exactly that as she replied, "That depends. Can I trust you?"

Helena's eyes almost looked excited as she nodded. "Of course."

"So I can ask you anything and you'd tell me the truth?"

Hesitating, she mulled for a moment before answering, "I wouldn't go so far as anything but I'll say what I can."

With that, Elsa felt her grip on her doubt slip free as she took the plunge. "In that case, did you know Cyrus was going to propose?"

She didn't know what to expect in response. Surprise, maybe, or perhaps a quick denial to knowing anything. Helena didn't do either of those things, however. Instead she just looked down thoughtfully, her smile fading as she muttered, "Already? That was fast."

That was all the confirmation Elsa needed as, for some reason, she felt the urge to accuse Helena. As though she was somehow complicit in his offer. Not that she was, although it wasn't like she tried to warn Elsa either. "So you did know."

"Obviously." In spite of Elsa's tone, Helena looked back up at her unabashedly. "Why else do you think he came all this way?"

"To attend Anna's wedding?" she replied weakly, although she couldn't even fool herself anymore.

"Really, Elsa. I don't think anyone, much less you, ever believed that for a moment." Helena's gaze was dubious as she eyed her before something occurred to her and her expression gave way to confusion. "But why are we even talking about this? Obviously you said no." When Elsa didn't answer right away that confusion began to turn back into concern. "Right?"

Her concern only made Elsa feel more ashamed as she looked away. She also asked so sincerely that she couldn't have known what Elsa's answer had been. "He gave me some time to think about it."

Helena's voice had become so quiet she could barely hear her when she asked, "Are you thinking about it?"

"No, of course not. I mean, maybe… I don't know!" Elsa exclaimed, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed as she surged to her feet, unable to sit still any longer.

Helena, meanwhile, remained where she was, her gaze a mixture of hurt and befuddlement. "But Aaron."

She said it so softly it nearly tore Elsa's heart out as she squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back the tears while trying to speak past the lump that was forming in her throat. "I know."

"Don't you love him?"

"With all my heart." At least she still knew the answer to that right away. Even so, her shame compelled her to add, "But I love Arendelle too."

A long silence fell after that and when she opened her eyes she saw the perplexity written across Helena's face as she tried to comprehend what Elsa was saying. Eventually something clicked and realization dawned on her, compelling her to mumble, "You're not sure if marrying Aaron is the right thing to do." That realization didn't linger for long before it was replaced by a stern scrutiny. "Why?"

That simple question was the root behind it all, but the answer wasn't quite so simple. Not that Elsa could explain it all. The best she could manage at first was, "Because I'm the queen."

It was beyond unsatisfactory, though, as Helena continued to probe. "And?"

"And that means I have a responsibility to think about others, not just myself."

"But that doesn't mean you can't be happy like everyone else."

"Maybe, but I can't just be selfish like everyone else."

"Selfish?" Rejecting the response outright, Helena shook her head. "Why would marrying Aaron make you selfish?"

Doing her best to collect her thoughts against the seething tide threatening to burst out of her, Elsa tried to think of a way to explain. "Do you know why we've kept our relationship hidden for so long?"

"Aaron told me it was because you wanted to keep it to yourself. And to let him acclimate to the aristocracy without all that attention."

"Those were the original reasons, yes. Why we hid ourselves in the first place," she replied while nodding slowly. If only that were all as she reluctantly added, "But they're not why we're still a secret."

"No?" Helena's curiosity was only peaking higher as she cocked her head to one side. "Then why?"

Elsa's eyes were heavy as she thought back to that revelation, her shoulders sagging as she recalled how that wedge had inevitably fallen between them. "I'll always remember how Aaron reacted when he first found out I was a queen. The shock on his face. The confusion in his eyes. But those were nothing compared to the terror he felt when he realized that being with me would one day make him king."

Helena was doing her best to keep up but now she just looked confused again. "Terror? Why would he be afraid of being king? Don't most men salivate at the thought of wielding that kind of power?"

"That's what I said. More or less," Elsa replied before shaking her head. "But Aaron isn't most men. He's terrified of the crown. Of ruling Arendelle beside me."

"Why?"

That was another good question, only she was running out of answers. "Honestly, I don't know. He's never told me. But I know him well enough to guess. Aaron never got over… what he did." Remembering who she was talking to, Elsa glanced over to see that Helena's face had hardened back into an impenetrable mask at the mere mention of their past. Trending carefully, she continued by saying, "I don't need to explain that to you of all people. And I know he hurt you with what he did, but he can't just blame himself forever. No matter how horrible it was, it was only an accident. Right?"

That last question was more of a plea than anything else. After all, Aaron should be haunted by something as foul as patricide, accident or otherwise. He'd have to be a monster himself to not feel guilty, but he couldn't just dwell on it. Even Elsa didn't hold it against him when she'd found out. She'd nearly done the exact same thing to her own sister, hadn't she? Either way, she was just trying not to upset Helena by accidentally treading on old wounds.

In spite of her efforts to soften the reminder, Helena just sat there quietly for a while, her eyes fixed on something else. Her lips were tight, her jaw strained when she eventually managed to look back at Elsa and say, "You want to know the truth? Nothing will ever change the things that Aaron has done. Nor do I think I'll ever be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Not really." With that she let out a long, steamed breath before adding, "That being said, the only one who will ever be able to reconcile Aaron's past is him. No one can do that for him."

A few more seconds ticked by with Elsa not wanting to provoke her before Helena eventually began to relax again, pushing the conversation back on track by saying, "But none of that explains why marrying him would be selfish or what any of this has to do with Cyrus."

Frowning as she also refocused, Elsa replied, "It's selfish because how can I call myself queen if I marry someone who openly claims that they would be a terrible king? Especially when there's a far more appropriate suitor available."

"You don't know that he'd be terrible. Just convince him that he'll do fine."

"You think I haven't tried? I even made him a lord to prove that he's up to the task."

"So that's why… and it hasn't worked?"

"He's more than suitable as Lord Protector, anyone can see that. But he's never embraced the role or his new place in society. It's almost like Aaron's just doing it out of an obligation to me."

Helena's next question was the hardest one yet, however, as she quietly asked, "Then why not just fulfill your supposed obligation and marry Cyrus?"

The wave of shame that came with that question nearly dragged her down as she bowed her head. Elsa obviously knew the answer, she just wasn't sure if that answer was good enough anymore. But it was the only one she had as she murmured through clenched teeth, "Because I love Aaron."

She really did, after all. The way he looked at her, how she savored getting lost in those warm eyes of his. How she got swept up in that captivating voice of his when they were lucky enough for it to be just the two of them. Most important of all, though, was not only the ways he made her feel but how he made her feel about herself. And that he was someone she could always depend on to be by her side no matter what, which only made her feel more guilty that she was even considering any of this. Doubts had a way of feeding other doubts, however, as she felt herself sinking deeper and deeper into the quagmire inside her own mind.

That is, until Helena finally replied. Only it wasn't the reply Elsa was looking for as she said, "Wow. That is quite the predicament."

Blinking at how weak the response was, she turned to give her an incredulous look. "Really? After all of that all you can say is wow?"

As always Helena showed no shame of her own as she shrugged. "I'm sorry, did you want me to instantly provide a simple solution to all of this? Because I'm not so sure there is one."

"I know there isn't but I was still kind of hoping you'd have something more to say."

"Hey, I never claimed to be a novice in relationships, much less an expert. Frankly, I've never even been in one." Pushing past her previous answer, she asked, "But if what you wanted was advice why didn't you go to someone else who might be more helpful? Like your sister."

Hesitating, Elsa scrambled for something to say. That was a viable alternative, considering that while Anna hadn't been here for Cyrus's proposal Elsa still could have talked to her about all her difficulties with Aaron. Only she hadn't. "I didn't want to distract her from her wedding."

Anna probably would have had a gentle retort to that but Helena didn't bother with subtlety, instead just bluntly clubbing it aside. "Don't give me that excuse. You clearly regret not talking to her about this so why didn't you?"

Irritated by her lack of tact, Elsa defended herself by uttering, "Because you don't go your entire life hiding everything about yourself to suddenly being able to share your innermost torments. I wish it were that simple but it's not."

"Then why are you sharing them with me?"

That only exacerbated Elsa further, but only because she didn't have an answer. "I have no idea. Maybe Cyrus's proposal just makes it all too much and without Anna I…" The sad reality that came with that statement brought her up short as Elsa thought for a moment about not continuing before sighing. "I don't have anyone else to tell."

And once again Helena's next question only made her feel worse. "What about Princess Kresta? You're friends, aren't you?"

"Kresta." Shaking her head while casting her eyes about the room, Elsa almost found herself smiling at the absurdity of it all. That was an entirely different dilemma in and of itself. "I couldn't even begin to tell Kresta about any of this. How do you tell someone that their former fiance just proposed to you? Especially considering the way she's been looking at-"

Realizing what she was about to say, Elsa clamped her mouth shut. Just because she was beginning to open up to Helena, that didn't mean she was willing to share everything. And petty jealousy was just a bit too embarrassing for a queen. Fortunately Helena didn't notice her stumble, or at the very least glossed over it as she replied, "Well then I'm honored that you chose to share this with me. Although I'm still not sure how much help I can offer."

"I'm not looking for help. I'm just…" Once again Elsa found herself struggling before simply stating, "I just wish I knew how I'm ever going to tell Aaron about this."

…"Don't."

Once again Helena caught her off guard with the succinctness of her solution, to the point that all she could say was, "What?"

Helena, however, just reiterated her plan. "Don't tell Aaron any of this."

At first Elsa hadn't believed that was what she meant, only her repeated it didn't help. That idea was so disrespectful to Aaron that she'd never even considered it as she dismissed it. "Why not? I love him and he deserves to know."

"Of course he does. And I don't doubt your love for a second," Helena replied quickly before driving her point deeper. "But is this really the right time to drop something this massive on him? I mean, isn't he going through enough right now as it is?"

Elsa's mouth opened to retort, only she couldn't. That was a good point, after all. Cyrus's mere presence in the castle seemed to aggravate him beyond belief, on top of everything else he was going through, so maybe it wasn't such a crazy thought. "It would be a lot for him to take in."

Nodding, Helena continued. "Then wait. I'm not saying never tell him. As you said, he does deserve to know. Just not right now. Things are bound to calm down again once everyone returns to where they belong. Then, when your lives are back to normal, then you tell him."

Admittedly it was tempting just to sweep it under the rug for now. There was just one problem with that. "You're assuming I tell Cyrus no."

"Yes, well, if you tell Cyrus yes I'm pretty sure Aaron's going to find out one way or the other."

Helena said it half jokingly but Elsa wasn't in the mood for jokes. Her eyes were distant as she gradually sank back into her chair beside Helena. "I don't know if I can keep something like this from him. It doesn't feel right."

"Of course it doesn't." Helena's voice was consoling, although even more surprising was when her hand came to rest on Elsa's shoulder. It radiated a soft warmth so similar to his that it was oddly comforting as she added, "If it did then could you really claim to love him?"

"I suppose not," Elsa conceded before looking up at her. "So what am I supposed to do, then? Nothing?"

Helena's eyes were gentle if somewhat pitying, her lips in a sad smile as she counseled, "Sometimes doing nothing is the only way to protect those that we love."

"I'm not so sure I can do that right now. It's still too fresh."

"Understandable."

They sat together quietly for a while longer before Elsa finally stirred from her thoughts. After all of that venting, they may not have come up with a satisfactory answer but it did feel good to get it off her chest. Perhaps Aaron was right about his sister. Or at least she hoped he was. "Thank you, though. For listening."

Withdrawing her hand, Helena shook her head while rising to her feet. "Don't thank me. I'm just looking out for my brother."

Which was admirable, although Elsa couldn't help pointing out, "At the expense of your king."

That got Helena to hesitate and she gave the far wall a long hard stare before eventually looking back down at Elsa and stating, "Yes, well, it probably goes without saying that I don't breathe a word of this to him."

"You'd do that? Why?"

Helena's smile returned as she said, "Because I think you deserve the chance to figure this out on your own without others trying to pressure you one way or the other. I mean, doesn't every woman?"

That got Elsa to smile as well. It was still odd that she wasn't trying harder to convince Elsa to choose Aaron but if that was her philosophy on it then that was understandable. There was also something nice about being able to connect with another woman about this in a way she wasn't sure she could with Aaron. "Well, then I guess I have to thank you again. I guess I'm just lucky that Aaron has a sister like you."

Helena's grin grew as her eyes glinted. "Please. I'm the lucky one. If not for him, how would I ever have met you?" With that she offered a hand to help Elsa to her feet. "Now come. Being cooped up in here probably isn't helping anything and I'm sure you could do with some fresh air."

Elsa had already tried that once, but after their talk doing it with Helena actually seemed quite nice as she took her hand. "I'd like that."