Thinking of You

By Drunken Shinigami

Yuki x Kouji

Stupid brother. Stupid dumb look. Stupid easygoing attitude.

My eyes glared at the dark, ugly ceiling of the current room I was lieing in, trying to sort out how I got here. My head throbbed near my temple and my arms felt as heavy as lead, lighly covered by the thin white sheets that were tucked in around my body. My eyes flicked upward again to stare into the darkness; I felt irritated. I hated it when I was pathetic and useless like this.

Just as pathetic and useless as Kouji.

I scrunched up my nose to the very thought of him, finding it brought pain to my forehead. Nevertheless, I kept up my train of thought… him as his dumb smile and casual blow-off phrases to me. Never sentences, 'cause my hands would always be at his throat or whipping across his face in rhythmic patterns before any sentence could leave his mouth.

I always knew what he would say, anyway.

But I never understood how he could just take everything that was thrown at him, then walk away with a smile as though he had gained something. He had always been like that!

Well, not always.

There was once a time when he could talk back, defend himself and actually be of use. I hate to admit it, but it was usually me he was defending back then.

"Stop teasing my brother, or I'll get BOTH of you!"

I never heard him say anything like that anymore.

Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Kouji looked up from his pillow to where the sound of tiny footsteps came from.

The room divider was pulled apart at the end, reveiling a wide-eyed, shaking Yuki Aiba. Kouji extended both his arms knowingly, letting his little brother run into them and pulled him into bed.

"Onii-chan, I'm scared." The small, terrified voice from the mahogany-haired toddler whispered into his older brother's chest. Kouji began his regular night routine with Yuki, as he began to stroke his hair flat down to the base of his neck over and over again.

Soon, the little Yuki Aiba was breathing quietly against his brother's chest, sending shivers up Kouji's spine. He felt the tiny-balled fists holding onto his pajama top loosen, and soon his brother's head raised upward expectantly.

Their noses were barely touching, two pairs of pooling green eyes staring deeply into each other. Kouji could feel Yukir melt into him as he leaned forward.

Soon, their lips were touching and everything in their world was fine. Or atleast until the next morning.

Their mother would often find Yuki's bed unnocupied, and Kouji's bed having Yuki nestled in to his older brother, hugging him like a teddy bear. Their mother would often just smile to herself and think it was cute.

But there was also a very thin line between cute cuddling and incest, and to their sad behalf, the two did not know the difference between.

I gritted my teeth remember the harsh taunts I would get after school from classmates. They would watch Kouji and I walk to school hand in hand sometimes, both of us smiling away like nothing could stop us.

Eventually, I was cornered after school and given the harsh truth. What I was doing was morally wrong, and if I didn't change, I would be reported to the school board directly.

It may not seem like much, but to a Grade 2 boy like myself it was a death sentence. Tears streamed from my eyes as I ran home, not bothering to take off my shoes. I ran right into Kouji and sobbed out the entire story.

Looking back, I would have been disgusted at how I acted. But nevertheless, we stopped acting "incesterous" as those students described it. Though it was then everything began falling apart at the seams.

Stupid Kouji began acting like a wimp, taking everything that came at him – whether it be insults or even compliments, he brushed it all aside like it was nothing. Looking at it now…

It seemed he had lost the person he protected, and now had nothing to protect at all.

We began bickering more, Kouji usually saying something completely dumb and me lashing back. Over the years, well, it built up to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

It was then in middle school, we had gotten into a huge fight, and he had the nerve to bring up how we used to be.

I was so infuriated with him that I shoved him through the glass windowpane facing onto our backyard. It only took half a second before I realized what I did, and for some reason…

…I felt proud.

But until I took a second look, the entire scenario replayed itself years before. I had shoved Kouji down a flight of staires in rage, and I couldn't remember what happened after. All that I knew is that I was holding him and crying my appolagies.

He had kissed my forehead and told me to forget about it, that it was his fault I got him mad.

Now I lie in an unfamiliar bed, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling on the Ryvius. I had been in another fight with Blue.

God, did that guy rub me the wrong way…

I closed my eyes as I heard someone walk by. It then fell silent; but then the footsteps continued again. No – wait, he was coming inside. I made sure to make myself look asleep.

The person shuffled around the room, paused for a second, then began making his way over towards my bed. They then stopped right above me, sighed, and began pulling up the covers to my chest. What did this person think he was, my freaking mother!

I snapped open my eyes to let him know I was awake. And then they darkened.

"Kouji."

My older brother's mouth tensed, yet he stayed calm and sat down on the rim of my bed. He was tense and nervous, I could tell. He balled his fists into the covers and his brow furrowed.

"Why did you get into a fight with Blue?" He asked slowly, chocolate eyes staring at the dark, clouded wall.

"None of your business!" I snapped. Did he have to know everything about what happened to me!

"It IS my business every time you get yourself hurt, what do you see in doing this!" He replied yelling, his torso turned to me and eyes flaming. What an ass!

"I told you!" My hand reached for his shoulder, "It's none of your BUSINESS!"

I yanked down, hoping to catch him offguard. Instead, heard the pop of two buttons and down slid his shirt. His shoulder was completely bare.

My eyes stared at the jagged dark scar up and over his entire chest.

Then, on it's own, my body jerked away and I fell silent. I felt guilty, as memories flooded back into me that I'de rather keep stored away. Kouji grimaced; he seemed to remember too.

"Whatever," he hissed, and it felt like a dagger had been stabbed through my cavity. Such sharp jabs of pain as he walked away, pulling his shirt back over the scar and leaving it to hang loose. The pain began ebbing away slowly, but the sting still remained.

I just let him walk away again, with no damage done. Why was I the only one who was hurt?

"I promise I'll never let ANYONE hurt you, Yuki!"

I lied back down, my shoulder beginning to throb again. I hated it. I hated everything right now. Even myself.

"Dad and mom are going to be splitting up… but I swear I'll never leave your side Yuki, ever."

It dawned on me, as I now lied again by myself in bed, all the possibilites the relationship with my brother I could have taken, but never were. The knife in my cavity was slowly sliding downward through my gut now, slicing everything in it's path.


"It's just a scratch, don't worry. There's been worse."

It could have been less painful – it could have been healed. It could have been mended, but back then I didn't want it to. Now, not even the largest of bandaids could help fix it.


"Yuki, please, just listen! Don't listen to what those boys have to say, what do they know about us?"

I hate myself now. I could feel a tear slipping from the corner of my eye.

I never cried. Never.

"Whatever happens to us Yuki…

Promise me we'll never be like mom and dad. I don't want to hurt you."

"I love you."

Some damages can never be repaired. But just this once…

I wish it could have.

"We'll always be together. Right, brother?"

Owari