Cowardice.

She was sleeping soundly when Jack climbed back into their bed, trying not to wake her as he reclaimed his half of the quilt. The mattress still warm as he curled up, trying to forget the images of the dream which had woken him. He shuddered slightly as he tried to drift back off to sleep, but chilling thoughts refused to leave, they would never allow him to forget the truth.

Guilt had hurt him enough as he had ran: away from the Chinese, from Audrey, from himself. The knowledge of this only made the demons chase him faster, or so it had seemed at the time. Then he found himself here, and somehow, the ground hadn't crumbled beneath his feet. Over four months had passed, and he was still cautious as though testing the ice to be sure that it would hold his weight when he crossed.

He looked across at the woman laid next to him, her golden hair splayed over her face in a mess. He raised his hand to move it, but stopped when her own hand clawed at the frizzy mess pulling it away so she could see and smile sleepily at him. He smiled back timid and shy, tensing up as she gently pulled his hand towards her and let it rest on her growing stomach. Using her thumb to draw soft patterns on the back of his hand Gina fell back to sleep. Jack whispered her name gently before sighing deeply as his conscience began to interrogate him again; why are you doing this to her?

Kissing her forehead Jack shifted closer to her, wrapping his free arm around her body as though trying to prove something to himself. He closed his eyes as the scent of her shampoo filtered into his senses - he didn't need to prove his love for her to himself. He knew he loved her, even though the realisation still sometimes scared him. But the lies, he thought wearily as his eyes began to droop, how could he live with himself knowing she loved a man who didn't exist?

Gina had been incredibly patient over the course of there relationship, knowing that he needed space and giving him it. Who would have thought that another one night stand would be so profitable and could develop into something as strong as love? Jack was still amazed that he had been able to feel such feelings again, especially after he had lost everything he had ever had, including another false love.

He closed his eyes as the life of Jack Bauer flashed through his mind. Kim, his friends and family, Terri, CTU… She would never know of any of it. Even if he wanted to tell her he couldn't, because then she would know he had lied and then they would be over. He didn't want this to end, it gave him comfort and a reason for living…

After last weeks revelation he knew he couldn't walk away for her own good even if he wanted to… he couldn't desert a woman he loved and a child. His child. He couldn't condemn them because of his own misfortunate fate or hidden misery.

The baby. That's what was stirring up these conflicting emotions, his desire to make Gina happy contrasted with his hatred of the lies he had been forced to tell her. His second chance at fatherhood excited him, but knowing he wouldn't be able to share the joy with the people who he cared about, who would fuss and joke about it, depressed him. He was trapped, but in a place where he wanted to be. He loved Gina and he loved the image of the baby which was conjured up into his mind whenever they talked about it - but he had lied to her - how could he ever rid himself of the guilt without telling her the truth?

Terri and their unborn child often visited his dreams, but they didn't make him feel bad. He took their visits as a warning, of what could go wrong with Gina. Maybe they were to serve as an analogy, to show him how different this could be, now he was no longer doomed to be Jack Bauer.

Thinking about it made his head hurt, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't stop the dreams and he didn't want to stop the images of his daughter or friends from visiting him when the loneliness crept up on him. He knew he had to ignore the past, he couldn't go back so he should concentrate on moving forwards; he had a family that needed him now. Still, he couldn't ever ignore the tingling sensation he felt when Gina told him she loved him, almost a small voice in his mind reminded him of the untold truths, and the terrifying fact that she couldn't love him, when she knew barely anything about his past.

Gina said he made her feel safe. She said he made her laugh. Was that enough? When she first told him she loved him he had covered up his shock by laughing. He had joked that she was only vocal on her love for him in bed. He had found it hard to admit his love for her out loud in fear of something terrible going wrong, but he knew it hurt her and he knew the love he felt was true. He tried to embrace it, remembering the time when they had first spoken, and he had told himself love was something he wasn't going to talk himself into.

Love was something he was sure he would never experience again. This was not love. Only it was. Even if there were lies, the way he felt for her was true. His earlier denials made his acceptance even more fulfilling; things seemed perfect. Too good to be true - and he was terrified that the glass walls they had carefully built up around their relationship would splinter and crash into worthless shards on the floor.

Only it hadn't. Even with the surprise of the pregnancy, things were going fine. Better than fine, he realised, it still seemed perfect. It made him almost paranoid, until he had convinced himself Bauer was the thing which was going to ruin it. She would find out. He would confess. She would leave him and hate him and he would lose everything,

His fear made him almost admit the truth to her, but he had bottled out. Why ruin something so good, for information she didn't need to know? It had worked despite his conscience continually telling him that the information was something she needed to know. He would ignore it for as long as he could, maybe the thoughts would go away after she had the baby?

Thoughts of Kim were relentless though, being happy about the baby made him think he was betraying her. The thoughts made him cry at time, how terrible he had been to his little girl. That was what ate him up the most, Gina knew something was wrong when Kim flittered through his mind, but he could never talk to her about it.

Gina hadn't asked him much about his past, even if he was generally interested in hers. She knew he was uncomfortable with talking about himself, she found the sense of mystery attractive. It didn't come between them, she was more concerned about there future together than a past which was alien to them. Her enthusiastic outlook on life was comforting, he had to believe he could work through this. Why deny himself something he needed, and more importantly wanted?

The flashbacks didn't come often, but when they did he couldn't help but wallow in misery. It wasn't self pity, it was Gina he was depressed for. And how he had deceived her. He sometimes questioned himself, even if he wasn't Bauer anymore he was still being himself, she had fallen in love with him. She hadn't asked him anything which had directly caused him to lie, and the only information he had faked had been a general history, along with his identity which CTU had provided. Was this really so bad, wasn't it for her own safety too?

The dreams and flashbacks were not real. Richard Johnson was real now. It was all he had, why long for something you can't have? He loved Gina, he wanted to be with her, and he hadn't hurt her like he had the others. Why should this be doomed to fail?

Finally falling to sleep he knew he wouldn't tell her the truth. Was he being a coward or a realist? Jack Bauer was dead, but being dead wasn't as easy as it seemed…