R.E.-Wolf –hey everybody. Sorry it took so long to update. DON'T SEND RABBID CHIMPMONKS AT ME! Anyway I will now introduce one who has helped me in the complete randomness of my story. GENERAL BADAXE! I don't know about u but that name sucks. But I would expect as much from my bro.
General Badaxe- up yours too. The only reason we are updating now is because I threatened you with lubricant and a bamboo stick. (glares) I would have a different name, but it would be a little inappropriate. Anyway, on with the FIC!
R.E.-Wolf –wait a second…u said that the bamboo stick and lubricant would be a SECRET! At least I don't play with myself at night!
General Badaxe- I lied first off. And yes you do, but lets get on with the fic, they really don't care about our personal lives. (By the way, I REALLY am his brother.)
R.E.-Wolf –oh. Ummm…..-.- well….i know what u did during the winter! You scared the tree in the front yard for life!
General Badaxe- The tree said it loved me o.k.? anyway, lets seriously get on with the fic already. Buddha damn it all!
All of them enter the Oak Tree. Who knows what horrors will face them there? WE DOOOOO!
"Wait, where is Barry?" asks Chris
"Redfield, Barry didn't come with us. That was at the mansion." Says Wesker. "Anyway, we should all go in different directions."
"No way in Hell!" All of them scream.
"Yeah Wesker," says Jill "Last time we split up, you wanted to use us as test subjects on Tyrant."
"You people will never let that fact go will you?" Asks Wesker.
"NO!" Jill and Chris reply in unison.
"How about groups of two?" Asks Billy.
"Why two?" asks Wesker.
"The number worked pretty well with me and Billy." Says Rebecca "It also works with Leon and Ada."
"Who should be dead by now." Mutters Wesker
"Wait…There are 5 of us, that won't go evenly." Says Chris
"I'll go by myself." Says Wesker
"I have a better idea Wesker, how about we draw straws and the one with the shortest goes alone."
All of a sudden, a dark vortex of death appears over Billy's head. An orange squirrel with a black t-shirt that says," I used to have SUPER-HUMAN POWERS, but my therapists took them away" and blue-jeans dropped out of it on top of Billy. The rest of the squirrels saw some words on the back of the t-shirt. It says, "General Badaxe."
Billy asks "Who the heck are you, and get yourself off of me!"
General Badaxe replies "My name is General Badaxe. Unfortunately for you, and definitely me, you had an uneven number of squirrels. So, instead of doing the logical thing and bringing in Leon, the author had to be a complete JackAss and bring me in without asking me. Just wait till I get the bamboo stick…"
Chris asks "What is an author?"
General Badaxe replies "An author, or in our case, co-authors get to control exactly what happens to you, and every other person here. Of course, R.E.-Wolf wouldn't let me keep my omnipotent powers if I became a player, I have no skills, he gave me no weapons, and, to top it all off, he made me OARNGE! Seriously, have you ever heard of an orange squirrel? My color screams kill me!"
Another dark vortex of death appears and two seed pistols fall on General Badaxe. A voice came from the vortex as well.
R.E.-Wolf –you happy now? I gave everyone else one weapon and I give u two. One more thing, shut up about the bamboo stick. One more thing, your weapons only hold 8 seed apiece so watch your ammo. One more thing, I wanted u to be orange! ONE MORE THING…
"SHUT UP!" Yells General Badaxe "In case you forgot, this is Resident Evil, I'm not allowed to dual-wield! Another thing, why aren't you in here too huh? Finally, why don't you need quotation marks around your sentences like the rest of us huh?
R.E.-Wolf –I gave u two guns so I could screw you over, I'm not in there because I don't want to get blood on my clothes or my sexy body, and I don't need quotation marks because I hold all power here! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
General Badaxe says "You don't have a sexy body, it's all fat, but you listen to mom too much. Also, your evil laugh sucks as much as the Break dancing zombie rat's. Bastard.
The Vortex Disappears with the final words, you will find a horse head in your bed tonight!
General Badaxe mutters "Too much Godfather movies…Right, so my Jerk of a Brother put me in here with you guys, so lets draw straws to see who goes with who."
Jill asks "Where are we going to get the straws?"
"I just happen to have some straws, and a short one in my pocket" Says Wesker.
"Wesker…" says Billy "Why are you carrying straws around with you? Another thing…General Badaxe, will you get OFF OF ME?"
"Oops…yeah I'll get off of you." Says General Badaxe, as he gets off of Billy "its your fault anyway for standing under a dark portal of death."
"Well, I carry straws around just in case the people at fast food restraints forget to give me one." Says Wesker
"Why don't you just ask for one?" asks Rebecca
"Well…you see they usually forget to give me a straw when they run away in fear of me. Why would anyone be afraid of me?" asks Wesker
"Could be the fact you unleashed a deadly virus on Raccoon City." Mutters Chris
"Can we draw straws already?" Says Jill
Wesker holds out all six straws. Everyone pulls one and the pairs are as follows: Group 1 includes Wesker and Chris (bad combination, just like Wesker as a squirrel) Group 2 includes General Badaxe and Billy (Billy hates Badaxe for landing on him…I hate the author…) And group 3 includes Jill and Rebecca (Yeah, they are the best off…)
"Well…Bye Guys!" Says Jill and Rebecca quickly as they dash away into a side door (What are doors doing in a tree?)
"Hell is going to break loose…" Says Wesker as he and Chris grudgingly go to the front tall doors.
"I'm going to die…" mutters General Badaxe sadly as he keeps distance from Billy as they go through another side door.
GROUP 1 WESKER AND CHRIS
"Damn it Wesker, why did we go through the front doors? There is always trouble here."
That "trouble" as Chris put it was 3 zombie rats coming toward them.
"Just shoot them you idiot." Says Wesker as he pulls out his seed pistol and pops off a few shots. They strike a zombie rat in the head and blow it off.
"Wait…Why does it kill them, but bounce harmlessly off of me?" asks Chris as he pulls out his seed pistol and pops a couple rounds into the other two zombie rats, dropping each of them.
"Because," Says Wesker "The authors are jerks who won't let me kill you. If I could get my hands on one of them, I would slaughter him."
"Wesker…" Says Chris "General Badaxe is one of the authors."
"WHAT?" Yells Wesker "I'm going to kill that Mother F
R.E.-Wolf- I'm going to cut to group 2 so this fic can stay rated T
Group 2 Billy and General Badaxe
"Well" Says General Badaxe "we might as well make the best of this…right? I said Right? Billy?"
Some seed bullets shoot at General Badaxe from Billy.
'I have to quit talking to him…' thought General Badaxe
"Hey Badaxe." Barks Billy "Do you know what will happen later on?"
'Why is he talking to me now?' Thought General Badaxe "Billy, only my close friends can call me just plain 'Badaxe' until then, you gave to add the General."
"You think I give a care what you say?" says Billy
"Bastard" Mutters General Badaxe "No, I don't, because Wolfy took away my powers remember? When we get to the two of us talking at the end, I'm giving him a piece of my mind."
"Your utterly useless." Says Billy
"I hate you too." Retorts General Badaxe
Group 3 Jill and Rebecca
"Jill" says Rebecca "Do you know the way we are supposed to go?"
"I don't have a clue, but we have some company." Replies Jill as a zombie rat comes from around the corner.
( Now we could do a boring shoot the zombie scene, or we could do some punching, kicking, and torturing a zombie rat…tough decision.)
The zombie rat rears up on its hind legs as it gives a horrible hiss, as Jill jumps at it, and gives a horrible bone splitting kick to the chest of it. It snapped in half, but the head was still alive.
Rebecca grabs the head of the zombie rat and holds it in place, in front of her chest. "tell us what you know" says Jill "NEVER" it screeches. "We'll see about that." says Jill as she pulls out a bottle of vinegar. "Wait…" says the zombie rat "What are you going to do with that?" (Screen pulls out of the Tree) "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Can be heard throughout the forest.
Group 1
"What in the 9 Hells was that?" says Chris
"A monster we don't want to piss off." Says Wesker
Chris and Wesker head through the hallway to an opening on the other side.
"Wesker, I'll go in first cover my back." Says Chris as he walks through the opening
'I'll just stay back here, to see if he gets eaten' thought Wesker
"It's ok Wesker, it's only a kitchen" Chris Yells
'Damn' Thought Wesker
The kitchen wasn't too shabby either. They had a mini-fridge as a life size one, a cooler as a freezer, a small thimble as a chair, and a plastic table top. Chris is walking over to the fridge, and suddenly, a flaming zombie rat bursts out of the freezer, and the only thing that saved Chris was that it went the wrong way, and out of a window instead.
"…The hell was that?" asked Chris
"No idea." Says Wesker as he goes to the fridge, opens it up, pulls out a carton, and starts chugging it.
"Wesker…" Says Chris
"What is it Redfield?" complains Wesker, when he takes another drink.
"Just thought I would tell you…you're drinking prune juice."
Wesker spits it out all over Chris, spluttering "W-W-W-W-HAT DID YOU SAY?"
As Chris is cleaning himself off, he says "You were drinking prune juice, here wash it down with this milk." Then Chris hands him a carton of milk.
Wesker takes the carton and chugs it as quick as he can. Then he notices the expiration date was a week ago…
"Redfield…This milk is a week old…" Says Wesker
"Wait…old milk and prune juice…that will give you some major bathroom issues…."says Chris slowly
Wesker quickly found out what Chris meant. "BUDDHA DAMN IT ALL! I HAVE TO TAKE ONE HELL OF A SHI"
R.E.-Wolf- because I want to keep it rated T, I'm going to have to go to group 2…again.
Group 2
"We found a Dead End…called a bathroom" Says General Badaxe, "I knew we should have taken a left turn at the fifth hallway."
"Complain all you want," says Billy "I need something for the headache you give me." As he rummages through the medicine cabinet. "They took all the labels off of these thing, this is going to have to be guess work…"
Billy pulls out a bottle with a red cap, opens it, and takes 2 pills out. Then he takes a small cup out, and fills it with water. Finally he drinks the water and takes the 2 pills.
"I wonder how long this will take…" mutters Billy.
"What pills did you take?" asks General Badaxe
Billy show General Badaxe the pills, and slowly General Badaxe's eyes open widely, then he breaks out laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks Billy
"B-B-B-Billy…" General Badaxe between breathes "T-T-T-That's V-V-VIAGRA!"
Then General Badaxe falls on the ground holding his stomach laughing.
Billy's eyes shot wide open at that statement
"WWWWHHHAAATTTT!" Billy yells as loud as he can.
R.E.-Wolf- what is with the vinegar and the zombie rat? And zombies can't talk like us. How did Jill and Rebecca know what it was saying?
General Badaxe- Well, people can't be turned into squirrels either, but you don't explain that. Anyway, why did you include ME in the story? You didn't even ask.
R.E.-Wolf- didn't I tell u already? I don't want to get blood on my clothes or my sexy body. I also added u so I could add a sick and twisted way to bring in humor. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
General Badaxe- For the last time, it's all fat, you just listen to mom too much, and your evil laugh really sucks. Also, what are you planning to do to me?
R.E.-Wolf- you will find out what I have planned for you. I may make you….PINK, or I just may bring in Bubba. Anyway, Mom says my evil laugh is great! I've been taking lessons as well for it. Plus, I'm not fat for the last time, I'm just overweight!
General Badaxe-Do you have any idea what you just said? Where would you get lessons anyway? Who cares, for anyone who wants to read, leave a review if you want too Flames are accepted, IF you give a good reason for it. Give us ideas that we will probably ignore, and just have fun with your thoughts.
P.S. The reason we say Buddha instead of GOD or Jesus is that we are sick of people using those words, so we decided to use Buddha instead.