R.E.-Wolf-ok, I need to buy the TMP and upgrade it as much as I can…now I must use the Riot Gun to take out Dr. Salvador…Finally, I need to kill Salazar with every weapon I got…
General Badaxe- Are you playing RE4 again? We got 8 reviews in one day, we are updating! Get off of that Gamecube…
R.E.-Wolf-hang on, I have to beat my record in "Mercenaries" before we update! I have to! Wait…what are you doing! GET AWAY FROM ME! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sounds are heard in the background (Smack, smack, crunch crunch, drag drag drag)
General Badaxe- Now get on that computer and help me update! First off, I would like to explain to Sara A. Wesker why I wanted to be shot. Ok, it's like this, I don't like to be serious unless I have to. The two things I enjoy most in life are making others laugh and blowing things up. It's just me, and how I am. Second thing, to anyone who still thinks I'm just a made up character…I REALLY AM HIS BROTHER! I would like some credit on this work too, not just saying "you're a good author," could you please make it plural?
R.E.-Wolf-ok. I also have to address someone. Claire Bear, we cant make comics or fan art because…we suck at drawing. I wish I could do something like that but I cant. Badaxe, you already get enough attention with the reviews. We're even so just drop it.
General Badaxe- Ok, so far only 1 author has acknowledged me (Sara A. Wesker- BTW I'm a big fan of your writing) so shut up. But yeah, we can't draw, so if anyone wants to try to make a fan art or comic, go ahead. You have our permission. However, If you make a comic please make it follow the story line, I don't want to see a comic against what we wrote. And for the record! Yes I carry a Giant Axe on my back when I'm not in a place I can get in serious trouble for it. (Where else would I carry one?)
R.E.-Wolf-if you do make a comic or fan art, please send it to us at You can also submit ideas for the story. Hope you like the fic.
Group 3 (AKA- the women)
"Geez" says Rebecca "Who knew that zombies could scream that long. Anyway, You got the peanut spread shot?"
"I have decided to never leave home without one." replied Jill "Anyways, I'm still a little worried about that horrible screech though. What was that?"
"I don't know, but I have a feeling we are going to find out in a little bit. Specifically within the next two to three sentences." Says Rebecca
All of a sudden, a zombie rat drops from the ceiling, not moving. Green blood can be seen dripping onto the corpse. The two girls look up, to see a hideous black, giant spider. It's eight eyes focus on the two girls as its pincers open and close with green blood dripping out of it. It lets out a horrible screech as it lunges at the two squirrels.
"DUCK" Yells Jill as she raises the peanut spread shot.
Rebecca hits the ground, as a peanut shell launches out of the gun into the spider, knocking it back. It jumps on the wall, rushes at them, and as Jill shoots again, it jumps to the other wall, avoiding the shell!
"Shit!" yells Jill, as the spider slams into her knocking the gun out of her hand.
Rebecca pulls out her seed pistol and hits it with a couple shells in the back. The spider whips around and tackles her to the ground. "Get off of me!" Rebecca screeches at the spider. The spider lowers it's pincers to her neck and…
Boom! A peanut shell flies into the thing head as it gets flipped off of her, and its body dissolves in a bunch of acid, then the acid disappears.
"I never EVER want to see another spider as long as I live" Says Rebecca
"We probably don't have a choice in the matter." Reply's Jill "I'm guessing there are more of those things crawling around. I just hope the guys can settle their differences long enough to save each other…"
Group 2 (AKA-The doomed group)
"Even though it hurts" Says General Badaxe "I have to admit you are skilled at using that thing."
"It only hurts going in." Reply's Billy "It feels a lot better as it comes out."
"Yeah?" Says General Badaxe "How do I know you are telling the truth?"
"Simple," Reply's Billy "Just ask Rebecca. She can tell you all about how good I am."
"Personally, I saw and felt how good you are." Says General Badaxe with a hint of annoyance. "Great…Now I have sticky stuff all over me…Could you please pull that out? It's starting to throb…"
"Oh, sorry." Says Billy as he pulls his knife out of General Badaxe's arm.
"Damn that hurt…" Says General Badaxe "Are you carrying around bandages so I can cover up this wound?"
"Nope," Reply's Billy "Usually Rebecca has the medical supplies, including bandages."
"Buddha damn it…I just wish I had something to clean up the blood at least…" says General Badaxe as he clutches his arm, and turns around…and walks straight into a towel, seemingly held by nothing.
"Wow," Says General Badaxe "I think that R.E.-Wolf is being nice to me." General Badaxe picks up the towel and starts drying off his arm.
"Um…Badaxe…" says Billy
"What have I told you about the name Billy?" Says General Badaxe with more of a hint of annoyance "You have to add the 'General' at the beginning."
"Ok, ok then, 'General' Badaxe" Billy says with as much sarcasm as he can muster
"That's better" Says General Badaxe with a huge grin on his face, "Now then, what is it Billy?"
"I just thought you would want to know…" Starts Billy "That the towel that was hanging in midair was held there by a spider thread, and the spider that made it…is right above your head."
General Badaxe looks up… right into the eight eyes of a giant black spider with a red hourglass shape on the bottom.
"Forget what I said…" Says General Badaxe with a bunch of rage contorting his face "R.E.-Wolf still wants to screw me over…"
The spider lunges at General Badaxe as He pulls out a pistol, and shoots it once in between its pincers, and a shot rang out from Billy as his bullet hits the spider in between its eyes. It land, dead, on top of General Badaxe and knocks him over, with the corpse still on top.
"So…" starts Billy "Would you like a hand with that?"
"No," says General Badaxe "I've decided to stay down here a little bit, unable to move, with a giant spider corpse on me…OF COURSE I WANT SOME HELP!"
"Not until you say please…" Says Billy in a sing-song voice.
"You are a Bastard…" Mutters General Badaxe
Group 1 (AKA the Mortal Enemies)
"So," Says Wesker "You're sure we should go into that dark room?"
"For the last time Wesker," Says Chris in an exasperated tone "Yes I'm sure. There should be light at the other side, or at least a switch. Plus we have flash lights, so why are you worried?"
"Redfield, something usually goes bad in dark scary rooms, haven't you learned that yet? After all the horror stories you've heard, the movies you've seen, and the adventures you've been in, you still believe nothing bad will happen?"
"Actually Wesker," Says Chris "I expect something bad to happen. What YOU don't seem to understand, is that for us to continue, we HAVE to go through that room. Yes we are screwed."
Chris slowly walks forward, flashlight on and pointed straight into the dark room. Nothing particularly interesting pops out, just bits of blood and dried flesh. Some cobwebs are in the upper corners, with some dead rat corpses on them.
"Redfield," Starts Wesker "I don't like this room. We should just hurry up and get to the other side."
Chris nodding his agreement, slowly walks across the room, with Wesker close behind him. They notice and opening on the other side, with light pouring into the dark room. They both cautiously walk to the other side and…nothing happens. Both of them walk into the light, without encountering any hardships.
"Wow," Says Chris "I was expecting something really bad to happen in there. Hold on, we have a zombie rat ahead."
'Maybe,' Thought Wesker 'I can beat the crap out of the rat with my bare hands and feet, and show Redfield that I can own him and everything else…'
All of a sudden a black mass of hair drops on the rat, brings it up to the ceiling, and tears it in half, and shoves the skull into its mouth. Then its eight eyes focus on the other two intruders.
'on second thought' Thinks Wesker 'I'll just shoot that thing.'
Wesker pulls out his seed pistol and shoots its legs and make's it fall down. As it was falling, Chris pulls out his seed pistol and shoots it three times in the side, making it fall on its back. Chris then pulls out his knife, and jumps on top of the spider's stomach, and furiously stabs the thing in its soft underbelly, and one last time in the head, until it stopped moving.
"you know what Redfield…"says Wesker "Why is it that you get a knife, and I don't?"
"I don't know, why don't you complain about it to someone who cares." Says Chris in between pants.
"You can be a sentimental jackass sometimes…" Says Wesker
"Yeah, and you can be a cold-hearted Bitch." Says Chris "But I don't complain about it, usually."
Group 3 (AKA- The one's with good weapons.)
"Jill…" Says Rebecca "Why are you and me in a group? Wouldn't it make more sense to go with a guy, because they can take more shots than us?"
"It would," Said Jill matter-of-factly "But the conversation would be pretty bad if you got stuck with Wesker or General Badaxe."
"I suppose your right." Says Rebecca sighing "Anyway, where are we going to go now? We have to go forward, I suppose, but how are we going to meet up with the other groups?"
"When you think about it," says Jill "Not setting a regrouping place or time was NOT the smartest thing we've ever done…"
"Well," says Rebecca "We seem to be doing a lot of stupid stuff lately. Such as playing hide-and-seek in Raccoon forest, letting Chris and Wesker be on the same team, letting Billy and General Badaxe on the same team, and who knows what else we will do."
"Well…" starts Jill "At least a thing that doesn't seem so stupid is that I carry around some vinegar and duct tape."
"No," Says Rebecca "That isn't stupid, but I would be lying to you if I didn't say that scares the crap out of me."
"At least I'm prepared!" Defended Jill
"Prepared for some strange situations. What else are you carrying around?" Asked Rebecca curiously
"You'll find out when the situations call for that item…" Says Jill with a really sadistic look in her eyes, and on her face.
Group 1 (AKA- knife boy and whiney over-powered traitor)
"I still say that you should take off the sunglasses." Says Chris
"Redfield," says Wesker getting very mad "For the LAST time, I'm not taking the glasses off."
"Come on…" Says Chris in a whiney voice "I've never seen you without them. I just want to see you without them once."
"Redfield, let me tell you about the last time I took off these sunglasses." Says Wesker "OK, I was walking through Raccoon City looking for new test subjects er…I mean volunteers who want to help Umbrella reach a new potential. Anyway, I was walking around town, and some soot fell from a chimney into my eyes. So I took off my sunglasses and wiped my eyes with my sleeve."
Wesker looks at Chris who just nods his head to continue with the story.
"When I went to put my glasses on, a 7-year old boy looked at me with my eyes open. The boy stared at me for a good 5 minutes, while I had my sunglasses on. Then that boy let out an ear piercing scream, shattered a couple windows, and ran away as fast as he could. From what I heard, the boy ended up seeing a psychiatrist, and the same boy was later 'volunteered' to Umbrella researchers. When the same test subject…er…volunteer saw me again, they had to put him down. What a waste…he was a good specimen…" said Wesker with a sigh.
"What was that last part?" Asked Chris curiously.
"He was a respected member of Umbrella Corporation!" Said Wesker in a rush of words.
"Wesker…" said Chris "You really need to learn to take some anti-stressors at some point, you are starting to get overexcited."
"Anything you say Redfield…" Said Wesker with a breath of relief
Group 2 (AKA Group of people who should be in jail)
"Billy…" Says General Badaxe "Why did you keep the spider head?"
"I'm going to add it to my collection." Says Billy matter-of-factly "I collect the heads of things other than zombies as proof that I killed them."
"I KILLED IT!" Screamed General Badaxe "I got the killing shot into it's mouth!"
"You're wrong!" Yells Billy back "My shot between the eyes killed it, your shot just wounded it!"
"My ass my shot didn't kill it!" A screaming General Badaxe yells "And I can prove it too! Hold still with your mouth open…"
"The Hell I will!" Screams Billy "Then you will kill me and take MY trophy!"
"I couldn't give a DAMN about your trophy! I just want to get rid of YOU! If it will make you shut up, I'll let you keep the trophy!"
"What did you say? I knew it, you are an assassin sent from Umbrella to kill me!" Yelled Billy in a victorious tone.
"Why would I work for that twisted company?" asks General Badaxe "You are so stupid they could probably pay you enough money to kill yourself!"
"Take that back you tree-hugging bastard…" says Billy in a dangerous tone of voice.
"TREE-HUGGING! In case you haven't noticed, you are a squirrel too! So take it back you filthy hairy turd dropping!" Yells General Badaxe
"SHUT UP! I'm going to give you such a whooping that your dead grandma feels it!"
Yells Billy with veins popping out of his forehead.
"Both of my grandparents are alive and kicking! You squirrel lover! I bet as a human you used to like nut-
General Badaxe couldn't finish the statement because Billy tackled him to the ground. As General Badaxe hits the ground, he uses the momentum of the fall to use his feet to flip Billy over him, and rolls to a crouching position.
"Get over here Billy-boy, I got a personal ass-kicking to give you." Taunts General Badaxe
"Did you just call me Billy-boy? Get over here and accept your beating Private Badaxe!" says Billy in the same taunting voice
"Private! Now your asking for it…" says General Badaxe in a threatening manner.
General Badaxe lunges at Billy, drops on his right hand, spins, and trips Billy. Billy hit his hands on the ground, and back-flipped into an upright standing position, just in time to see General Badaxe's foot slam into his gut. Billy doubled over, as another foot flew for his face.
Bill's hand shot out and grabbed the foot, and used his foot to slam into General Badaxe's, right one. As soon as General Badaxe hit the ground, Billy used the same foot to perform an axe kick. General Badaxe rolled out of the way just in time, to see Bill's foot hit the ground, and splinter the floor.
'Glad I didn't get hit by that' General Badaxe thought
General Badaxe rolled again, and rolled to Billy's back, jumped into the air, and drop kicked Billy forward. Billy stumbled forward, just in time to get tripped by General Badaxe's right foot.
Billy got up and wiped the blood off of his whiskers and mouth. Then he threw a 1-2 punch into General Badaxe's face. Billy's right fist connected with General Badaxe's face, but since it sent General Badaxe flying, so his left one only connected with his right arm. Billy heard a 'click' of something locking into place.
'Like his bones breaking' Thought Billy with satisfaction.
All of a sudden, Billy goes flying forward in the same direction of General Badaxe, and lands right beside him.
"OK OK" Says General Badaxe "I'm sorry for insulting you, will you please stop hurting me and vice-versa?"
"Fine by me." Says Billy "But only if we say that I won that fight."
"Agreement made." Said General Badaxe with a smile.
As General Badaxe and Billy raised their right hands to shake, Bill's left hand decided to join them. As both of them look at Bill's left hand, they both notice something.
"Billy…" Says General Badaxe "Do you see what I see?"
"Unfortunately…" said Billy "I see it too…"
On Bill's left hand, and General Badaxe's right hand, were the handcuffs Billy was wearing…except the supposedly empty part was locked on tight to General Badaxe's right arm.
"You want to say it or me?" Asks General Badaxe
"Personally," Says Billy "I think we should both say it."
"Well…" Says General Badaxe "I do believe this is the first or second thing we have agreed upon…"
"On the count of three." Says Billy "1…2…3"
Both of them say that one word in perfect unison "SHIT!"
"Jinx, you owe me a soda!" says General Badaxe
"Just shut up, already." Says Billy in a defeated tone.
General Badaxe- Well, we finally finished this chapter right R.E.-Wolf? R.E.-Wolf? Where are you? I swear if you snuck off to play RE4 again, I'm going to lay the smack down on you as hard as Billy did to me…
R.E.-Wolf-I'm not playing RE4. I'm playing RE0. You know the one with Billy and Rebecca. I'm at the part where I'm in the laboratory. Oh ya, Billy so kicked your ass.
General Badaxe- Are you looking for another ass-kicking? Anyway, GET OFF THAT GAMECUBE! You are supposed to help me write the story, and review it. Why did you handcuff me and Billy anyway! I should annihilate you!
R.E.-Wolf-No. NO. I am. Because if you think about it, you and Billy hate each other so I thought it would be fun. turns off Gamecube and walks over to computer happy now?
General Badaxe- I feel a little better anyway. So then, you got any parting words for our readers?
R.E.-Wolf-pulls out Nintendo DS and plays Resident Evil Deadly Silence not really. You?
General Badaxe- I don't have anything for our readers, but I do have a question for YOU.
R.E.-Wolf-what?
General Badaxe-. R.E.-Wolf, how fast can you run?
R.E.-Wolf-pretty fast. Why?
General Badaxe- Pulls out Giant Axe Well you had better learn to run faster!
R.E.-Wolf-shit.