General Badaxe- Ok, here we are making another chapter right R.E.-Wolf? R.E.-Wolf? Dang it, were are you this time? I promise I won't hurt you this time…GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE NOW!
R.E.-Wolf-zzzzzzzz…SNORE! zzzzzzzzzzz. Must…kill…Dr…Salvador…
General Badaxe-……Ok, you have 6 seconds to wake up Pulls out giant axe 6…5…4…3…2…1…Bye.
R.E.-Wolf-what are you doing with that out? Mom said your grounded from it remember, from the last time you tried to kill me.
General Badaxe- Mom said I could have it back when I washed the car. Did it. I have my axe. You won't be happy. Sums up the end of the chapter doesn't it?
R.E.-Wolf-kinda. Are we going to start on the chapter already? Why are you trying to consume our time? We need to get this done. QUIT SLACKING!
General Badaxe- YOU were the one sleeping. Anyway, we have to answer a few questions. One, for the record, I do more writing. R.E.-Wolf would love to do more, but he participates in sports and choir, so he has a hard time finding time.
R.E.-Wolf-so what, I still contribute. The reason why Billy is mad at Badaxe because I made Badaxe fall on him when Badaxe fell through a dark portal of death, as well that Billy hates the name General Badaxe.
General Badaxe- I did NOT give you permission to say my name without the 'General', So quit it! By the way, Suicidal Sweety, You are NOT allowed to sue us if our story is so funny it hurts. You have to pay the hospital bill yourself.
R.E.-Wolf-lets get started already.
Group 3 (AKA 2 pistols, 1 shotgun, and 4 Bazookas)
"Rebecca," says Jill "Have you ever thought about what it is like to be a zombie?"
"No," reply's Rebecca "I don't think I have. I have, however, run from them for 24 straight hours before. I was so tired at the end, I thought I would die."
"It must of sucked." Said Jill "To be a zombie I mean. Is it painful to become one? Why do they eat mostly people and not just cow beef?"
"I wish I could answer your question," says Rebecca "But I am not a zombie, and I don't think we will ever get to ask one that. We usually have to kill them first."
Silence envelopes them as they walk down the hallway. It branches out into multiple other hallways, two going left, two going right, and one right down the center. First, the two scout out the hallway's, looking down each one carefully, to look for any problems. All of them appear to be safe, except the center one, which had 2 zombies down it.
"This town ain't big enough for the four of us." Says Rebecca pulling her pistol out in slow-motion.
"Rebecca!" Snaps Jill "We don't have to use clichéd movie lines! And they just piss me off, so quit!"
"Geez, you don't have to get so angry because of it!" Reply's Rebecca with some heat in her voice "What are you doing? PMSing?"
"Why you little skank!" Screams Jill "Why do you have to be such an ass right now! I don't get angry with you!"
"You are angry with me now!" Screams Rebecca back "OK, enough complaining, lets just kill these two zombies, and continue on."
The two look at the two zombies, to see a strange sight. The two zombie rats are sitting on fold-up lawn chairs, with a bowl of popcorn between them, and each one has a glass of lemonade with a tiny umbrella in it.
This pisses the two girls off more than anything.
"What the hell is wrong with the two of you!" Yell the two girls with voices full of venom "What are we supposed to be! Your entertainment! We are gonna beat you so hard into the ground that you have to reach up to tie your shoelaces!"
The zombies say "OOOOOOHHHHHH!" (translation: We aren't wearing any shoes!)
However, the two girls don't have a translator, so they can't understand the two zombies. What follows is a bunch of sounds followed by "OOOOOHHHHH!" "OOOOOHHHH!" and "OOOOOHHHHH!"
(translations include: Wait, what are you doing with that? AAAHHH, That's not supposed to bend that way, and I have a waffle iron!)
Whatever is left of the two zombies afterwards, is a couple puddles of blood, random patches of fur, and a waffle iron.
"Wait a sec…" says Jill "What are a bunch of zombies doing with a waffle iron?"
"Jill…" says Rebecca "This is one of those things it's better if we didn't know what they were doing with it."
Group 1 (AKA- Twisted Jackass and Overprotective friend)
"Ok Wesker, let me see if I have the bet down. Whoever kills the most zombies wins, and the loser has to go to the most expensive restraint in town in a cheerleader outfit, go up to the guy at the podium, in front of a HUGE crowd, and ask him to spank him. Then the loser has to go skinny dipping in the Antarctic, and finally, they have to watch Barney for 6 straight hours. That it?" asks Chris
"I do believe it is Redfield." States Wesker "However, giant spiders count as 3 zombies, and other creatures depending on how tough they are."
"I agree with you there." Reply's Chris "But why the 6 hours of Barney? That is just being cruel and unusual."
"You see Redfield," starts Wesker "That is how we at Umbrella torture information out of people. It is pretty effective, and I want to see what it can do to you. Anyway, it is no different than what the U.S. Army does, in fact, it might be more humane than what they do."
"Two things Wesker," Says Chris "One: are you implying that you are better than me? And Two: What does the U.S. Army do to its prisoners?"
"First thing Redfield," says Wesker "I'm not implying I'm better than you, I'm STATING it. Second thing, the U.S. Army forces the person they are torturing to listen to Avril Lavigne. (Did I spell that right?)
"Why you dirty little…" says Chris "And anyway, wow, that is very sadistic to do to people. Makes me cringe just thinking about it."
The two just stop talking to each other for a little bit as they walk down the hall. (Sensing a pattern?) They come to a split in the hallway, one leading left, and one leading right. They check down each one, and see a zombie down each one.
"Wesker." Says Chris Simply
"Yes Redfield?" Reply's Wesker casually
"Which one do you want?" Asks Chris
"I'll take the one on the right." Reply's Wesker
(Authors Note- we will be separating the two scenes, because we don't want to go between the two, so we will be separating them, and doing the fight scenes one at a time. Don't like it, tough, it is our fic.)
Chris's Fight
Chris whips out his combat knife and starts to taunt the zombie.
"Come on," says Chris "I want to make a steak out of your hide, and some nice gloves out of your fur. Bring it you piece of monkey shit, come on, I don't bite, my knife however DOES!"
With that, Chris lunges after the zombie (and because the authors are bored, we are making these super zombies, for an interesting fight scene.)
As Chris is lunging, the zombie jumps on the wall, and races across it, and slams into Chris, who promptly rolls backwards, and flips the zombie, who lands on its hind feet, and stays standing!
"I didn't sign up for this bull." Chris mutters, whipping out his pistol. The zombie rushes Chris and knocks the gun out of his hand, front flips over him, and kicks him in the back as he lands. Chris gets up and turns around, to see the zombie giving him…
"Are you giving me the bird! That's it…"
Chris pulls out his knife, and the zombie rushes him again. Chris back flips, and kicks the zombie in the skull, sending it reeling backward. Then he throws his knife at his pistol, and knocks it into the air. Chris lunged at it, and picked it up in midair, and corkscrewed, unloading a couple seeds into the zombie.
The zombie gets up, and hisses at him, and gives him the evil eye. He does however fail miserably, because you can't do the evil eye very well without EYES. Chris just picks up his hunting knife, and holds it like a samurai warrior.
"Feel the power of JAPAN!" Yells Chris as he rushes the zombie.
The zombie pulls out a really long fang from his mouth, and rushes Chris. The two pass each other in a blur of swinging flashes. Both of them sheathe their weapons, and just stare at the other.
"I win." Chris states.
The zombie just lifted up its paw, showed Chris some sign language, and was split in half.
Wesker's Fight
(If I made one fight samurai, you can guess what the other one is.)
Wesker and his Zombie just stare at the other one. All of a sudden, the zombie throws down a smoke bomb, covering the hall in a thick layer of smoke. Wesker, being the badass that he is, pulls out a handkerchief, and blindfolds himself.
'Alright,' thought Wesker 'Lets see what years of training and reading ninja comic books can do.'
Wesker heard a whooshing sound, he leans back, and catches it in his hand, it feels like a kunai. Wesker could feel where the zombie was, so with his kunai out, he charges the zombie. Before he hit the zombie though, he jumps up, and flips his body 180 degrees, so his feet point to the ceiling. When his feet hit the ceiling, He pushes off of it, and fly's down at the zombie.
The zombie hearing this, flips away from his spot. Wesker catches himself with his left hand, front flips, and rushes at the zombie again. The zombie jumps in the air, however, Wesker throws his kunai into the zombie, and pins him to the wall. Wesker then pulls out his pistol.
"This is the end, and the beginning. If you understand that line, go see a therapist." Says Wesker as he pulls the trigger a couple of times, and pumps the zombie full of it.
'I really wish Redfield could see me kick ass.' Thought Wesker
Group 2 (AKA- Handcuffed assholes)
"OK GOD," says Billy "Whatever I did to deserve this, I am really sorry. But please GOD, don't make me suffer this inhumane torture."
"Look Billy," Says General Badaxe "I'm really pissed off that we are handcuffed together as well, but GOD hasn't helped us so far, so why would he help us now?"
"Shut up!" Barked Billy "I'm really hoping here. It's the only chance we got."
"Billy," said General Badaxe "We could look for a hairpin, or a key that could unlock this. Or we could break the chain. I mean look around this room, there are a lot of useful stuff here."
Around the room, were a couple odd things to be in a tree. Things ranging from seed pistols, to a laser cannon. They had shotguns, coconut grenades, acorn bazookas, and other handy weapons.
"Billy," says General Badaxe "We should stock up on the weapons here."
"But first," says Billy "We are finding something in here that will get us apart."
"Let's start with that shotgun." Suggested General Badaxe
Billy pulls out the shotgun, and puts it up to the chain link and fires a shell. The link manages to hold.
"Useless junk." Mutters Billy as he throws the shotgun out the window.
"You idiot!" Yells General Badaxe "That shotgun was better than our other guns."
"Shut up and get another weapon." Reply's Billy.
This continues on for quite a while, and Billy throws a LOT of useful weapons out of the window.
"OK Billy," Says General Badaxe with a lot of controlled anger "So far, you have thrown out the coconut grenades, the acorn bazookas, the shotgun, a katana, some old milk, a waffle iron, a 20 foot toothbrush, a megaphone, some parking tickets, and a stove. All because they couldn't break out cuff link. YOU ARE A RETARD!"
"Just be quiet, there has to be something in here that can open up this stupid pair of handcuffs." Mutters Billy angrily.
Billy then pulls out the laser gun, and aims as the cuff link. The laser starts to rev up, as you see the energy in it pulsing through to the main cannon. The laser bursts forward in a blinding flash of purple. Unfortunately, the cuff link is still intact after all of that.
"Another weapon out the window." mutters Billy as he chucks the laser cannon out the window.
'This day can't get any worse…' thought General Badaxe as he thought about crying.
All of a sudden, General Badaxe felt a great weight lifted from his back. General Badaxe thought it was strange, he shouldn't feel any lighter with Billy throwing Weapons out the window. Then it dawned on him…
"BILLY!" Screams General Badaxe like a hysteric drug addict "Don't do it!"
Billy raised General Badaxe's axe above his head, and strikes the cuff link. The table holding the link shattered intro a thousand different splinters. However, the axe, could not destroy the cuff link.
"Useless…" mutters Billy as he throws the axe out the window.
General Badaxe just stared out the window. He was in a state of denial, thinking he was just seeing things and that Billy did NOT just throw his axe out the window. Then he was in extreme pissed off anger.
"Billy…" Says General Badaxe in a smoldering voice ready to explode "Did you just throw my axe out the window?"
"If you mean that worthless metal one, yeah I did. Now help me find something to open the cuff link with." Says Billy without a care of the real danger around him.
For simple purposes, I will tell you what happened in simple terms. General Badaxe lost it. I wish I could tell you all about what he does to Billy, except that this fic would have to go to M+ rating, so for five minutes think of the worst torture ever, multiply that by ten, and you might scratch the surface of what General Badaxe does to Billy.
"Did you have to do that?" Whispers Billy in a pained voice
"You are lucky I only did that to you!" Screamed General Badaxe "I'm about ready to go down there, grab that laser, and hack off your arm, so I can be free, and do much worse to you."
General Badaxe looked to the side, and what he saw filled him with happiness and rage at the same time. What he saw was a master key, to any lock imagined. He was happy that he would be free of Billy, but he was PISSED that he lost all those weapons and his axe over nothing.
"Billy," says General Badaxe
Billy looks over to General Badaxe. "Do you see that key there?" Asks General Badaxe pointing at it.
Billy just looks over, and his face lights up. He knows what that means too. A word they both thought they would never have again. Freedom.
"Lets go open the lock near that mirror." Said Billy
"Billy," Said General Badaxe "Why would we open the lock near the mirror?"
"I want to see the difference in myself while I was locked up, and the myself when I am free from this horrible burden." Said Billy
"Fine," says General Badaxe "As long as I can finally get away from you."
Both of them head over to the mirror, and memorize the faces there. What they saw would scare little kids. Billy then brings the key to the lock. General Badaxe suddenly sneezes, jerking his hands, and forces Billy to drop the key.
Before either of them can stop it, the key falls into the sink, and down the drain. General Badaxe and Billy look in the mirror again. The faces staring back can't even be considered ugly they are so horrible.
Both of them look at the handcuffs, then to the sink drain, then back to the hand cuffs, both denying that that just happened. When they both realize that it did, they just looked at each other, and both of them broke down crying.
General Badaxe- is it just me, or do we seem to screw me and Billy over more than anyone else?
R.E.-Wolf-the fights with Chris and Wesker were a nice touch though.
General Badaxe-m Thanks, it took me a couple of tries to get them how I wanted them. Anyway, I would like a poll.
R.E.-Wolf-a poll on what?
General Badaxe- it occurs to me that one author supports me, and another one supports my axe. Should we give my axe a part in our opening and ending talking segments?
R.E.-Wolf-dose it really matter? I mean…I am sorry to say but I can not say anything from this point on because I have lost thought and I am going to go 3 days strait playing Resident Evil 4. Thank You.
General Badaxe- I'm going to destroy out GameCube. pull out giant axe I may of lost it in the fic, but I still have it out here. So please review, and cast your vote swings axe threateningly Now, where are you little brother, I have a present for the GameCube…
R.E.-Wolf-sits in room with Gamecube surrounded by the "Force" for protection.
General Badaxe- I wonder if he knows that the "Force" isn't real…
SMASH!
R.E.-Wolf-screw you. goes to other Gamecube and plays RE4
General Badaxe- All you readers might want to go away, this might take awhile…Sharpens axe and goes on a rampage I promise we will update when I get rid of most of the GameCube's