General Badaxe- Ah, it's a nice day. Birds dinging, grass growing, and if R.E.-Wolf doesn't get out here soon…HIS DAY WILL BECOME A LIVING HELL!
R.E.-Wolf-what are you talking about. I'm right behind you.
General Badaxe- Oh. Wow, you aren't playing a resident evil game? That shocks me. Anyway, sorry for a late update, this one was my fault. I got hooked on Disgaea: Hour of Darkness for the PS2 for a bit.
R.E.-Wolf-I think you have an obsession problem.
General Badaxe- I'm not obsessed! I can quit anytime I want…who am I kidding? I have played that game altogether for about 700 hours. (no joke) So anyway, sorry again for a late update, but I have to be honest. It is hard coming up with funny concepts that aren't COMPLETELY ridiculous, and I also hate to repeat jokes, which also makes it harder, right R.E.-Wolf?
R.E.-Wolf-ya ya…whatever. Can we get started already.
General Badaxe- right after Disgaea…
R.E.-Wolf-GET AWAY FROM THAT PS2 BEFORE I GNAW YOUR FACE OFF!
General Badaxe- Are we going to have this fight again? (Pulls out giant axe) Bring it Bitch!
Group 3 (AKA Zombie entertainment)
"Jill," Says Rebecca "We should be a little careful, I saw a corpse by the fireplace…"
"Rebecca…" said Jill slowly "How long have you been here? There are corpses everywhere! They have tried to eat us, they just lie there, and one even came alive while you read a note, and you just now noticed they are here?"
Rebecca gave Jill a rude glare, stuck her nose in the air…and slipped on a banana peel…right into a bowl of cherries. When she lifted her head up, it was covered in red juice, and she looked like one off the corpses.
"Why does stuff like this happen to me…" Said Rebecca in a slow and depressed voice.
"It happens," reply's Jill "Because we choose what we wish to perceive what we want. Your subconscious must have thought you deserved it, so it happened. I choose what happens to me, and the only thing we can't choose are the experiences that we have already perceived."
Rebecca just stared at Jill with a wide O-shaped mouth. "Jill…" said Rebecca "What on Earth are you smoking?"
"Why Rebecca…" said Jill with a grin "I'm smoking the exact same thing the authors are. I won't list what they smoke, because the list would take 2 pages, and at least HALF the stuff is illegal."
"Well…" Said Rebecca slowly "At least now we know why the story is screwed up beyond recognition."
The two travel down the hallway in complete silence. They just look from side to side, wondering where the next challenge will come from. It came upon them too fast to see! It was…it was… a Gerbil.
"AAAWWWWWW!" Screamed both girls "IT'S SO CUTE!"
The so called "cute" gerbil was missing an eye, but it had rippling leg muscles. It was brown with a couple dark stripes going down its back. It had claws that extended a good half a foot away from its paw. It had teeth as sharp as a steak knifes, and it had a pink ribbon in its hair.
"Jill…" said Rebecca "I think that the Gerbil is checking us out…"
And the gerbil was indeed checking them out. It went from there face to their feet, staying a little longer on their "assets".
"PERVERT!" Both squirrels scream.
The two squirrels rush at the gerbil pulling out a bottle of hot sauce, a pound of duct tape, peanut butter, tuna fish, and a tube sock. (We want to keep this rated T, so sorry, but you have to imagine what they can do with all of that stuff.)
"Stupid perverted dead gerbil…" Says Jill
Exactly WHAT was left of the Gerbil afterwards will remain untold, for the dignity of Gerbils and zombies everywhere.
Group 2 (AKA depressed key-less group)
The two trudge along the ground in a slow orderly pace. Neither one talking, or gesturing to anything. Just the occasional look at the iron chain that binds them together. And General Badaxe sometimes looks behind him in a vain attempt to locate his lost axe.
"Billy…" Said General Badaxe glumly ,"We have to find the others, maybe one of them can help us."
Billy just looked at General Badaxe with a strange look on his face. All of a sudden, his face lights up like the sun.
"General Badaxe, you are a genius!" Said Billy "Jill can pick locks, she can get this thing off of us!"
"Billy…" said General Badaxe dangerously "I am NOT a genius! They tend to be stuck up bastards, I prefer to be called 'gifted'"
Both of them brighten up at the thought of being free. Just imagine it, long runs on the grass without the other, taking a shower alone, and finally, being able to sleep without the other one! (They never did the stuff anyway, but it IS disturbing to think about, admit it!)
"Billy, we have one problem." Realized General Badaxe "We have NO idea where the others are. So how are we going to do this?"
Billy's happy face, all of a sudden became crestfallen. Billy hated to admit it, but General Badaxe was right, how were they going to find the others? Billy just moped a little bit more, when he realized something.
"General Badaxe!" Screamed Billy "We have some company."
All of a sudden 2 spiders drop from the ceiling, and a gerbil came rushing down the hallway, standing right next to the two spiders. All of them are very intimidating, except for…
All of a sudden, Billy and General Badaxe both start laughing. "General Badaxe!" Laughs Billy "You see what I see!"
"If you mean" Chuckles General Badaxe "That pink ribbon in the Gerbils hair, yeah I do!" Says General Badaxe before laughing uncontrollably.
Needless to say, the Gerbil got PISSED. It stood up on its two legs, and grabbed a spider in each hand/claw. It then pulled them apart, and suddenly slammed the two spiders together making them simultaneously explode in a gush of green blood.
Both Billy and General Badaxe stop laughing. They realize that this gerbil will be a worthy opponent. Billy pulls out his knife, while General Badaxe pulls out a pistol.
General Badaxe aims his gun forward, and shoots the gerbil. The shots bounce off his tough hide, doing nothing to it. Billy lunges forward, as the gerbil charges at them…and Billy falls flat on his face, and drags General Badaxe with him. The gerbil, failing to stop in time, slides past them, and falls out of a window.
Billy glares at General Badaxe, and says in a low voice "Why didn't you run with me?"
"I'll tell you why," said General Badaxe "Because SOMEONE threw my melee weapon out the window. Now then, who could have done that? Hmmmm?"
"Want to say something about it?" said Billy
"Yeah I do," said General Badaxe "You are a complete retard for several reasons. One: you never had Jill remove your handcuff when we began this adventure, Two: you threw a bunch of weapons out of the window, including MY badass axe, and Three: you tried to run, without warning, when you have someone handcuffed to you."
"General Badaxe…" said Billy "I AM GOING TO KICK YOU FAT ORANGE ASS!"
Group 3 (AKA Strange women)
Authors note (from both of us with love) HA! You thought we would go to group 1 didn't you? Well eat it! Let's go to group 3 again!
"Jill?" asks Rebecca "Why do we exist?"
"Rebecca…" said Jill "I don't have the answer to that. We are only a speck of light in the entire world. Finding your own existence is your own task that must be accomplished on your own time. Another thing, if you ask me for the meaning of life, I WILL NOT explain it to you."
Rebecca wondered why such a weird person understood such big concepts such as the meaning of life and others.
All of a sudden, both of them hear a strange sound. It sounds like a clinking chain, with a bunch of rolling around. All of a sudden, it stops in the hallway to the right of them. They heard a moan, and a couple grunts, of what sounded like pain. Then they heard shuffling heading their way.
"Jill," said Rebecca "When is turns around the corner, I'll give it a swift kick, and you take it down."
"I'm fine with that." Reply's Jill in a whisper.
The movement got closer, and closer. The adrenaline in Rebecca started to pound through her veins. She couldn't wait, this was exciting her, finally, THEY got to ambush a zombie, and not the other way around. Rebecca saw a foot turn the corner, and she couldn't help it, she rushed around and swung her foot.
"Rebecca don't!" screamed Jill.
But it was too late, for Rebecca's foot swung up…right into the crotch of General Badaxe
Like every other male who gets nailed right there, General Badaxe grabbed his crotch and sank to his knees gasping with his head bent over. Usually Billy would laugh, but every male alive knows you can't laugh at another male who got nailed there, so he held his crotch in sympathy. (BTW- Girls, guys really do this. If you ever nail one hard, and you look around, chances are other guys hold their crotch in sympathy.)
"OH!" said Rebecca, clearly embarrassed "I AM SO SORRY GENERAL BADAXE!"
"that's…ok…."Said General Badaxe, clearly in pain "You…didn't…hit…any…thing…I'm…ever…going…to…use…"
"Are you going to be ok?" asks Jill
General Badaxe Screams "WHAT DO YOU THINK? I JUST GOT NAILED IN ONE OF MY SENSITIVE AREAS HARD! IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE SET IT ON FIRE; OF COURSE I'M NOT OK!"
"Ok, ok, you don't have to get so touchy." Jill said
"Look Jill," said Billy "Whenever a guy gets nailed hard, they become either really timid, or compete assholes because they REALLY hate the pain. If you ever hit Chris there he would do the same thing."
"Would he really?" asks Jill "I really doubt it, he is a lot tougher than most guys."
"If…you…are…so…sure…" said General Badaxe still in pain "Why…don't…you…do…it…to…him…"
Jill thought a moment before replying "I might just do that…"
General Badaxe's and Billy's face both turn into a look of horror, both of them look at each other, and both blurt out "YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT! IT'S OK, CHRIS IS A TOUGH GUY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEST HIM!"
"Well…" Said Jill "I suppose you are right."
General Badaxe- Well, that is all for now. Hope you all enjoyed the update. See you next time!
R.E.-Wolf-yes. Please review and return when we have updated again.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE YOU TWO!" Scream two voices right behind us.
We both turn around to see…Chris and Wesker
Chris- whoa, we don't have to have quotation marks now!
Wesker- No wonder they like to be authors…anyway, you two can't quit yet!
General Badaxe- and why can't we do that?
R.E.-Wolf-why do we have to listen to you two anyway?
Chris & Wesker- because we will beat the living daylight out of you two!
General Badaxe- Bring it! (Pulls out Giant axe) I'll take the both of you!
Chris & Wesker- (Each pull out an Uzi.)
General Badaxe- Come on R.E.-Wolf, we can take them both on right? R.E.-Wolf? Damn coward, get back here!
Chris & Wesker- Are you going to write about us now?
General Badaxe- Like we have a choice!
LET THE STORY CONTINUE!
Group 1 (AKA group that pissed off the authors)
"Damn it!" swears Chris "We have quotation marks again! On yeah, Wesker, do you think it was smart to piss off the authors who control what we do and everything."
"When you put it like that Redfield…" said Wesker "It was not the smartest thing we have ever done."
Chris and Wesker both walk down in silence wondering what the two authors are going to do to them. 'They could make a black hole appear out of no where! They could have a really fat guy sit on us! They could make us look at a picture of Gary Coleman! They could…'
(We could do a lot of things to them, but we enjoy listening to what THEY think we will do to them.)
The two continue walking down the hallway, when all of a sudden, a brown figure streaks past them, and it also had a tinge of pink on it. Both Chris and Wesker whip around to come face to face with…a gerbil.
"Is that the best that the authors could come up with?" asks Chris
The gerbil stands on its hind legs, and its head starts shaking violently. All of a sudden the head explodes, and three blood red tentacles pop out of the gerbil's neck area. All of the tentacles grow sharp looking blades on the sides.
"You had to say that, didn't you Redfield." Said Wesker in an annoyed voice.
Suddenly, one of the red tentacles was blown off spitting out gerbil feed. Soon after another tentacle blew off then the last and the gerbil fell to the ground which was covered in gerbil feed. Chris and Wesker turn around to find a brownish/blondish squirrel in a brown leather jacket with a R.P.D. badge on it and black pants.
"LEON? How did you get here," questioned Wesker.
"The authors brought me here with the internet. Luckily, I arrived just in time to save your sorry asses," Leon said.
"Those damn authors just introduced you to piss us off didn't they!" said Chris suddenly.
"Maybe," said Leon, "All I know is that I'm getting a nice paycheck for embarrassing you two just now."
"Wait a second…"Said Chris "The authors are PAYING you?"
"I'm going to have to kill those authors later…" mumbles Wesker
"Did you say something?" asked Leon and Chris
"NOTHING!" said Wesker quickly. "Anyway, Leon, what kind of gun is that?"
Leon looks at his gun, then back at Wesker "It's a customized seed pistol, made with extra attack power, more rounds, and a faster firing rate. It came with the job."
"THEY GAVE YOU A SPECIAL GUN?" Screamed Chris and Wesker "WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT FOR YOU?"
"Well you see," said Leon "The authors really liked me in RE4, so they decided I should kick ass. They were nice enough to let me keep my kick and suplex too."
The trio walks down the hall, with Chris and Wesker seething the entire way. When they see four other squirrels down the hallway. The three of them rush over there, and yell at the other four squirrels, who turn around, and rush to meet them.
General Badaxe and Billy are separated now, General Badaxe also has a strange walk to him, like someone took a metal pipe, and jammed it in his leg to make him walk really straight. Everyone else looked relatively ok, except for a couple bruises and scratches.
"Hey General Badaxe!" said Leon "How's it going?"
"I'm doing ok for now…" said General Badaxe "And your paycheck is in the mail."
"HE GETS A PAYCHECK!" Scream General Badaxe's companions.
"Wait…how did you get here in the first place?" asked Jill
"Simple really," said Leon "The authors sent me here from the internet."
"I suppose they can do that…" said Rebecca, still a bit skeptical.
The seven of them exchange normal greetings, talk about how each of them got screwed over, etc. etc.
"Chris…" said Jill "Do you think you are tougher than most guy's?"
"Maybe a little," Chris says reluctantly "But I have also been through a lot more than most guy's go through too. Why do you ask?"
"I just wanted to make sure." Said Jill. All of a sudden, Jill swings her foot upwards very hard and fast.
(Now we can make him catch the foot, and make him look badass, or we could let it nail him. Guess which one we are doing.)
SLAM!
Chris takes both of his hands, holds his crotch, sinks to his knees, and bends his head over. All four of the other guys hold their crotch in sympathy, and turn their heads away, saying "Ouch!"
General Badaxe- Good man Chris, taking one for the amusement of others. I salute you with my axe. (Pulls out axe and gives a salute to Chris)
R.E.-Wolf-crotch shot #2. What will we think of next? Anyway I hope Chris and Wesker enjoyed there private input without quotes.
General Badaxe- Well, since no one polled, I have decided to give my axe a part, and here he is!
AXE- MUAHAHAHAHA! SLAUGHTER EVERYONE! BRING DEATH, RUIN, AND DESTRUCTION TO ALL! MUAHAHAHAHA!
General Badaxe- O…..K……My axe is NOT allowed a part!
R.E.-Wolf-NOOO. HE GETS A PART! HE IS SOOOOO CUTE! I OVER RIDE YOUR VOTE SO HE GETS A PART!
AXE- MUAHAHAHAHA! I WILL SLAUGHTER THE LITTLE WOLF CUB FIRST! MUAHAHAHAHA!
General Badaxe- Damn, my axe has turned on me…(Pulls out light saber) It's not my axe, but it will do. Bring it you stupid piece of metal! (rushes axe)
R.E.-Wolf-because my bro. is busy, (Sounds of explosives, ground being torn up, and a care bear being ripped in half can be heard) I will end the fic with the last few words. Hoped you liked the fic and please review.