Chapter 2:

The quest begins, Badly

Yup here's chapter 2. Its spring break right now so this means people are either running around outside in the warm sunny days, or locking themselves in their dark little rooms playing World of Warcraft and Halo all day long. Guess which one I'm doing :D. Anyways, it was kind of annoying doing this chapter because I am very picky about the timeline normally. But a brilliant idea occurred to me that would let us both forget about Tucker's baby and explain why the dropship is here.

Mister Frodo: Don't worry the next chapter is here. And yes I do rock but due to my lack of modesty, it would be best not to say that since I could get a huge ego boost and try to take over the world with my powers over fanfiction. Out of curiosity if I were to take over the world would any of you help me?...purely theoretical (eye shift)

Piers50: Well, you see if the dropship landed on Griff he would have died a painful death, and there would be no way to inflict pain on him through the rest of the fic! So of course you can't kill him. And I don't know about Donut eating a lawn chair. He's Donut. He has his own reasons.

Isaac Malott: Yah I'm surprised there aren't more RvB fics with the flood in them. It's a good idea that's easy to think of. Oh well give evil Isaac Malott a cookie for being evil. Evil is good.

Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Well not really. If Mangor didn't kill Brute two, the Arbiter probably would have ended up doing it. Well at least in this death he will be forever remembered by my readers…for the next two chapters at least.

Clark Cradic: Well you see when I am trying to figure out how funny my chapter is, I have penguin god read it and look at his reaction (never ask him how good it was. He always lies) and since he didn't die of laughter I figured it wasn't as good as it could have been. Since all of my chapters nee to make someone die of laughter. It is essential. It gives me lots of fun law suits and death threats.

Donut: "Baby? What baby?"

Sarge: "Donut get back here!"

Donut: "But Sarge the ship won't be here for weeks maybe or months or even years-,"

A large dropship landed on donut.

(this is where it goes from the fic's storyline to my fic)

Sarge: "Wait a minute, something's wrong here."

Griff: "What are you talking about? Our ship landed right in front of us."

Sarge: "This isn't a business day and I didn't order extra to have it here fast. This can't possibly be our order."

Griff: "Wait a minute, we were under attack by a tank and you didn't even pay extra for the ship to get here quickly!"

Sarge: "Of course not, we could have waited on those rocks for a few weeks while under siege from a tank."

Griff: "Then what would we eat?"

Sarge: "Ammo is a tasty source of food for an every day meal."

Griff: "Drink?"

Sarge: "Those conveniently placed bottles of Coke."

Simmons: "Ugh, I hate coke."

Sarge: "What did you say!"

Griff: "Yah dude. Mountain dew all the way."

Simmons: "Mountain dew is a mixture of acids stuffed into one convenient bottle that can burn your tongue off. Sprite is the best choice."

Sarge: "Have you both lost your mind! We're red! Coke is red! Thusly we like coke!"

Simmons: "First of all the coke CAN is red not coke. Second of all, being on red team shouldn't affect our taste. I mean we don't like red sox because we aren't red."

Sarge: "I may be from Texas but my relatives are from Boston. I LOVE the red sox!"

Griff: "Dude, Yankee's all the way."

Sarge: "You find new reasons for me to hate you every day Griff."

Donut finally managed to crawl out of the bottom of the dropship.

Donut: "Hey, did anyone notice something weird about this ship?"

Four flood Zombies crawled out of the ship.

Sarge: "No. Nothing strange."

Simmons: "I think our four pilots look suspicious."

Sarge: "Course not."

Griff: "Yah and they seem kind of….slow."

The flood were still crawling towards Sarge, Griff, and Simmons, at a rather slow pace.

Sarge: "That's an act. They can really dodge bullets. Watch."

Sarge shot the first flood Zombie, which fell over dead.

Sarge: "Uh-oh."

A random flood parasite brought the zombie back to life.

Sarge: "Few, for a moment there I thought I was in trouble."

Griff: "WE ARE IN TROUBLE! THEY'RE ALIEN ZOMBIES!"

Sarge: "If they were alien zombies where would they come from?"

Simmons: "Yah for all you know they could be human zombies."

Sarge: "That's ridicules Simmons! Of course they're aliens."

Simmons: "I mean, we don't know if they're Aliens and they most certainly aren't Zombies."

Sarge: "Of course they're Zombies. You saw that didn't you!"

Simmons: "But you just…and you…but…oh I give up…OMG ZOMBIES AHHH!"

Sarge: "Simmons you are no longer allowed to scream like a woman."

Simmons: "Thank you sir."

Sarge: "Shut up traitor. Donut scream like a woman."

Donut screamed in a veeerrrrryyy high pitched voice, causing the flood zombies to dissolve in front of them.

Sarge: "Donut…never do that again."

Donut: "What? That's my normal scream."

Sarge: "Never do it again."

Griff: "I wonder where these guys came from…"

Donut: "Maybe that giant space ship we saw five minutes ago when I was sipping tea in the middle of battle."

Griff: "And eating a lawn chair."

Sarge: "What are you two talking about?"

Griff: "Oh there was a giant alien space ship that crash landed somewhere east of here."

Sarge: "Why didn't you tell me!"

Griff: "Because the tank attacked us."

Sarge: "We have to find that ship pronto! Before they realize this planet is occupied by humans and destroy it."

Griff: "And how will showing ourselves help?"

Sarge: "Just shut up dirt bag."

Back in blue base…

Church: "THIS IS NOT YOUR BABY! THERE IS NO BABY! NOTHING HAS A BABY!"

Baby elite: "Blarg."

Church: "QUIT BEING ADORABLE! I HATE YOU!"

Doc: "Church, just calm down…"

Church: "NO! CABOOSE IS STUPID TEX ISN'T HERE ANT TUCKER IS A MOTHER! I AM NOT CALM! NOT ONLY THAY BUT A DANGEROUS AI IS WANDERING AROUND SOMEWHERE WITH THE INTENT OF KILLING US ALL!"

Tucker: "That doesn't sound so bad."

Church: "I'M NOT DONE YELLING AT YOU!"

Tucker: "Ok ok…."

Church: "………"

Tucker: "…….."

Church: "……."

Tucker :"……"

Church: "Ok I'm done now."

Tucker: "Ok and just to be clear, that baby isn't…"

Church: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BABY ISN'T YOURS! IT CAME OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMNED STOMACHE YOU !$!$ING LITTLE $# I HATE YOU WITH ALLOF MY !#$!ING HEART YOU (It became rather difficult to censor the next ten pages of the story so I decided to cut it down to this) GOD I HATE YOU!

Tucker: "That's not what I was going to say…"

Church: "Then what were you going to say? HUH! WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY!"

Tucker: "That just to be clear, that baby, isn't….human."

Church: "You don't say…well of course I didn't notice the fact that HE HAD HOOVES AND A MOUTH DIVIDED INTO FOUR PARTS AND BLUE SKIN AND…! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK HE COULD BE HUMAN?"

Tucker: "Well I don't think I ever did it with an alien so…"

Church pulled out a big hammer out of no where.

Tucker: "Oh god its Karin all over again!"

Doc: "Church, I think you are suffering from stress, suppressed rage, and cardiac arrest."

Church: "What was your first clue you…."

Church fell to the ground and went into spasms.

Doc: "Few that was close. I am going to help Church. Tucker I need you to find Tex."

Tucker: "Why?"

Doc: "We need some group therapy with Church and that needs Tex. Oh get Wyoming too if you see him."

Caboose: "Doc, the baby is biting my arm."

Doc: "He must be teething."

Caboose: "Doc, where do babies come from?"

Doc: "Church will tell you when he gets better."

Caboose: "Oh….the baby is biting my arm."

Doc: "I know Caboose."

Caboose: "I don't think this baby is human."

Doc: "I think I understand where Church's stress is coming from."

Caboose: "Doctor my arm is bleeding."

Doc: "Now Caboose, I'm sure that, HOLY WASTE PRODUCT EMITTED BY A HUMAN!" (the lengths people will go not to say shit…)

The moral of the story is, that baby elites have a mean bite.

After Doc did all he could for Caboose's mangled arm and put the baby on a leash, he found himself with nothing to do. In the corner of the room he saw a giant sign labeled PLOT DEVICES. Under them were a cell phone and an I-pod with bullets.

Doc examined the small I-pod and took the bullets out. Then he realized he didn't know anything about repairing electronic devices so he threw it into a corner.

Back in Longest…

Darlmon: "How is the ship holding up?"

Elite: "Sir, only a couple of scratches. Or...a couple thousand scratches. Really big scratches at that."

Mangor ran into the control room

Darlmon: "Mangor, I think we have a job for you."

Mangor: "What is it brother?"

Darlmon: "We need you to search this planet for the humans inhabiting it and exterminate them so the flood will have no new hosts."

Mangor: "Very well."

Mangor turned to leave the ship but was stopped by his brother.

Mangor: "Wait a minute, we haven't briefed or equipped you. Our top scientist is was working on a way to kill the flood with our plasma weapons. What have you figured out top scientist?"

Scientist: "Oh, um. We didn't figure that out. But we DID find out that our religious is the same thing that Christians call Christianity."

Mangor: "HERETIC!"

Mangor sliced off the Elite's head.

Darlmon: "Why must you do that?"

Mangor: "Do what?"

Darlmon: "Kill my soldiers."

Mangor: "Those last three were asking for it."

Darlmon: "THREE!"

Mangor: "That cafeteria grunt told me that humans invented pizza."

Darlmon: "And what did the first one do again?"

Mangor: "He ripped off the head of my stuffed bear Bo Bo when I was three."

Darlmon: "You didn't have a stuffed bear named Bo Bo when you were three."

Mangor: "Oh that's right I didn't."

Darlmon: "Now you will need some equipment…"

Mangor killed a random elite and took his beam sword.

Darlmon: "And we need to partner you up with someone just to be safe."

Mangor: "Sorry but I just can't do that. Bad things happen to people partnered up with me."

Darlmon: "You mean you kill them?"

Mangor: "No…"

Darlmon and Mangor entered the cafeteria.

Darlmon: "See that person in the corner?

Mangor: "Yah."

Darlmon: "His name is Shika, the shadow master. He is notoriously lazy. E is hard to work with but a master genius with an IQ of 200. If there is anyone who can help you it is him." The Elite at the table then fell off his chair and went into spasms.

Nearby Elite: "I think he had a heart attack."

Darlmon: "Ok then…Well in that corner is our champion kick boxer, Bala. He is known for his fighting skills." Suddenly a random group of arrows appeared out of no where and launched themselves into the elite's back."

Darlmon: "Ok then… that was weird. In that corner we have someone who looks like he's tough." The unfortunate hunter in that corner attempted to run away but a piano fell out of the sky and crushed him. Then the hunter remembered he was bigger than the piano, but as he was getting up a wraith fell out of the sky and crushed him.

Darlmon: "Wow, that was also weird. It's a good thing there are four corners to every room."

The elites at the remaining corner tried desperately to run but coincidently, a small meteor hit the ship in such a way that It only killed the people in a small area near that corner.

Darlmon: "Was this what you meant when you said people couldn't partner up with you."

Mangor: "The buddy system in fifth grade wasn't my fault! I SWEAR IT WASN'T!"

Darlmon: "Just shut up. You have your assignment now go. Just call the ship if you need any help."

Mangor left the ship singing and skipping for joy.

Elite: "Well I see the quest has begun."

Darlmon: "Yes, but it has begun rather badly. Hence the title name."

Will Mangor kill everyone he wants to kill? Will Church ever get over his stress? Will Tucker find Tex? Will Tex care? Will red team find the enemy ship? Why the hell do I expect you to know? R&R