AN: I drew a wedding picture (Kagome and Inuyasha's thoughts included). Go to my homepage and see!
Plain Normality
Love Him or Die
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"Kazumi, honey, the nice officer wants you to have another drink."
I rolled my eyes.
Satsuki, the officer, laughed. "This nice officer's ordering you to drink up, Kazumi-dear. Besides, you wouldn't want to be conscious for the honeymoon…"
Everyone around us laughed, many of them already drunk from the copious quantities of food and, yes, alcohol. I was more than uncomfortable. There were so many fat, drunken, middle-aged men drinking and belching and singing and laughing… I was suffocating.
Isamu, my darling, however…
"Oh, she's going to have one heck of a night tonight. Isn't that right?" he said and promptly grabbed my rear end, thought half-heartedly. He got my shrill squeak nonetheless.
When the food was more than half gone and most of us were gay with glee, the best man stood up with a microphone in his hand.
"Who gave him the mike?" Isamu bellowed before Miroku had the chance to speak. Again, people laughed. I, on the other hand, covered my mouth and closed my eyes, giving the illusion that I was laughing along when, in fact, I was grimacing. Painfully.
"I love you too, Isamu," Miroku grinned. "Just cut down on the drinking. You're blushing more than the bride!"
Laugh, laugh… my grimace was getting worse.
"Anyway, I'd like to make a very important announcement, please," Miroku waited for everyone to settle down. "I'd like to be the first to make public of today's REAL miracle. Today at exactly 10 AM, Central Time, Isamu finally did something he had not dared do in nearly a decade," insert dramatic pause. "He has, at long last, shaved his armpits. That is all." And Miroku sat down and casually passed the mike to Satsuki. "Oh, also… CHEERS!" he took a sip from his glass and innocently smiled.
Isamu's left eye twitched. Everyone else, including me, laughed like there was no tomorrow.
I always laughed when Inuyasha was in pain. And that meant emotionally too.
"Talk about the shortest Wedding Toast in the world. Funny man, isn't he?" Satsuki stood up. "Strange that I never met him before the wedding. Well, there's nothing like a little liquid courage to calm your nerves," she said and chugged down her glass of champagne. "Oh dear, I forgot. Are the kids still here?"
A couple of people pointed to the flower girl and the ring bearer, currently busy pigging out on the wedding cake.
"They're already eating the cake? The heck? Well what am I wasting time for? Let's get the party started! Emcee! Start the music for the First Dance!"
Isamu and I were pulled out of our seats and pushed to the center of the floor. Before I was left alone with my dear husband the music began.
Satsuki, who still had the mike in her hand, blinked. "Oh dear. Looks like they'll have to dance to the… oh my lord! The disco ball of death!"
I looked up and examined the biggest disco ball I had ever seen. "They cannot be serious…"
"Dance, slaves!" Satsuki yelled. "Dance, you worthless Roman pigs! Dance, I say!" she swiped Miroku's glass and chugged down the content.
"I think she's overdoing it…" I said before turning to Isamu…
…who happened to be striking a pose.
"What are you—" I started before he grabbed my hand and pulled me in. "Hey!"
"We have to dance the night away!"
"We just ate lunch!" It didn't matter, though. All other lights were dimmed down and we were the center of attention. I went along with Isamu's dance style and followed as much as possible. I stopped, however, when Isamu started doing the moonwalk. Followed by a one-handed freeze (or a pike). And then came the barrage of weird, twisted moves from his breakdancing days. Which threw the disco music off.
I held my forehead.
M. O. R. O. N.
Before the music ended Kazumi's father, my father, I guess, came in, giddy for the Father/Daughter dance. Isamu stayed, however, and tried to teach the old man the one-handed freeze (or the pike). Let's just say it ended horrendously with a sore back for both gentlemen.
Many couples came in when the third music began, which happened to be heavy metal. It seemed like the traditional waltz… was dead.
Bouquet time!
"We need all the single women present!" Miroku yelled into the mike, waving his arm to emphasize the point. I could see why he was going frantic. One 60-year old woman wouldn't make a very exciting bouquet toss…
Soon enough more single females came in, some urged by their parents and boyfriends, others for the sake of humor and perhaps a good catfight. Did I also mention most of them were drunk like cat on catnip?
Kaguya was one of them.
"I'm going to die alone dammit." She grumbled something incoherent after that and stumbled to the floor.
Satsuki was the last to join, positioning herself right in the middle of the huge group, right between two very excited bridesmaids.
Souten, the flower girl, was by the side, her arms crossed. "I'm not touching that stupid bouquet of ROSES."
I grinned. I turned around. And I tossed the bouquet over my shoulder with all my might. I must've thrown it too hard, because I heard it scrape the end of the expensive chandelier before falling into the group waiting on the floor. It was mass mayhem, at the best.
"I got it!" someone screamed.
"Let go!" another screamed.
"I touched it!" someone else (Souten) screamed. "The burn! The pain! The humanity!"
"Get that disgusting thing away from me!" Kaguya. No doubt.
I stared. Wow… girls really can scratch.
Miroku and Isamu were hypnotized. "Oh boy…" Miroku said. "Look… one of them just ripped the other's skirt off…"
"Uh-huh." Isamu's eyes wouldn't close.
In the end, Satsuki came out alive.
"HA!" she screeched, bouquet in hand. "Try and win a catfight with ME!"
A large sweat drop slid down my temple. She was drunk. Most definitely.
Then I realized.
"Time for the garter toss!" Miroku yelled.
Oh dear…
Someone happily pushed a chair to the floor and I was forced to sit down. More hands pushed Isamu to the floor until he was in front of me, red and, like me, embarrassed.
"You ANIMAL!" someone yelled from the back. Like last time.
Isamu got on his knees and, hesitantly, lifted my skirt up an inch at a time. While everyone screamed and laughed and cheered, I was bending down and holding Isamu's shoulders in a strange defensive maneuver.
"You know I'm not enjoying this," he grumbled as he patted my inner thigh. "And where the hell's your garter?"
"That's the wrong thigh you idiot!"
He sighed and did something that REALLY pleased the crowd. He threw the skirt in the air and dunked his head down, halfway into my dress.
"GAH!" I screamed as everyone else hooted and screamed. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw someone pushing Souten and Shippou away, shielding their virgin eyes.
I felt a pinch. Wait. He isn't doing what I think he's…
Oh. He is.
Isamu came out of my skirt with the garter in his mouth. He was red.
Like me.
"You ANIMAL!"
"SHUT UP!" both of us shouted back.
"Time for the toss!" Miroku said and gave the mike to Satsuki before bounding down, happily joining the throng of single men ready to catch the garter in their awaiting hands, most of them a groomsman. Shippou, the only boy under 10, looked around, confused, having been forced into the group by Souten.
I skedaddled out of there with the chair in my hands, too embarrassed to watch.
"Get ready boys!" Isamu held the vile object in his hand. "You only get one chance, you got that, little girls?"
I watched from next to Satsuki, who was still drunk, as Isamu turned around and threw the garter over his shoulder.
"EYAHHHHHHHH!" To everyone's extreme amusement, and even my own, every single man in the group screamed like a girl and dashed away from the garter as if it was the bubonic plague.
Isamu clapped his hands and laughed. "Alright, alright, I get it. No, really though. I'll count to three and the one who grabs the garter off the floor first will get to put it on the leg of the one who caught the bouquet."
Satsuki froze.
The group of all the single men froze.
"One," Isamu counted down. "Two… two and a half… two and… oh never mind, THREE!"
Like horny dogs the men dove to the garter as if it was the last female dog on Earth.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Miroku came out, albeit with a struggle, from the bodies wriggling in pain on the floor. "I conquer all!" (Seems like someone else was also drunk.) Oddly enough, Shippou, unconscious, somehow ended up atop Miroku's head…
"PUT IT ON!" Isamu started a chant. "PUT IT ON, PUT IT ON!"
This time I was the one happily pushing my dear maid of honor onto the floor, chair and all.
Miroku put the garter in his mouth as he bent down in front of Satsuki, except…
"Don't go there!" Satsuki pulled the garter out of his mouth and dropped it in his hand. "And if you try anything…"
Even I hooted when Miroku tentatively began to push the garter up Satsuki's right leg. Halfway up, he stopped.
"Oh, is that the wrong leg?" he grinned. "Should I start over?"
"NO!" Satsuki was the only one who protested.
She held her red face as Miroku began again, pushing the garter up inch by inch until his head was practically in her skirt.
"Wow," he said from under her dress. "It's really cramped in here."
"Get out!" Satsuki screamed and started kicking his head with her other foot. "Out, out, OUT!"
Miroku, with a black eye, jumped back. "Catgirl got fire!"
I laughed until I heard a couple of ominous clinks. Soon there were more clinking glasses. Oh no…
"KISS!" Souten and, the now conscious, Shippou shouted together as they waved their glass of lemonade around. "KISS ALREADY!"
Isamu and I stood up slowly, both of us looking around and wondering how to fake it this time. Luckily, Isamu had something in mind.
"I profess my love to this filthy wench!" he shouted as he turned and embraced me, giving me the most uncomfortable hug imaginable. He bent down to claim my lips, and just as his lips were an inch away from mine… he stepped on my toe and pushed me onto the floor, making it look like we were making out behind the draped table when really he was just bullying me around.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Souten and Shippou looked away in disgust. Ironic. Since they DID order us to kiss…
"And now," Isamu shouted as he got up and wiped his mouth, "we must leave to make LOVE!"
Shippou nudged Souten. "What does that mean?"
"Don't know," Souten blinked. "But I saw a Rated-R movie in the video store with that kind of title."
Isamu pulled me up and dragged me to the door, all the while shouting things like, "Heavy Load!" or "Don't aggravate the walrus!" …yeah, real funny. Nevertheless, we made it to the door to find the limo…
Decorated with two empty kegs tied at the end, each of them with the words "Just Married… No really!" spray painted over it.
Oy Vey.
"Have a happy life!" Satsuki and Miroku said as they hastily pushed us into the awaiting limousine. "Don't forget to change before you get to the airport!"
"Wait—" They closed the door in my face before I could say another word.
I watched them and my old life roll away as the limo shot off, leaving the world in its dust.
"Goodbye world," Inuyasha said, speaking my mind. "Hello ball and chain."
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AN: Heh… heh… off to Shanghai for the newlyweds! Now REVIEW and tell me what you think!