Chapter 9
An author's army
Yah, this is the chapter you've all been waiting for. The chapter where all of your brown nosing, bribery, and black mail pays off…..of course there is only one person who went to such great lengths to get into the story and that person was a figment of my imagination…or so he claimed. Yah anyways, I think I may be a bit of an evil person. I got Elder scrolls 4 Oblivion, and the first thing I did, was murder a bunch of innocent people, join the dark brother hood, join the thieves guild, plan out a way to kill everyone in the thieves guild and take over the dark brotherhood at the same time, and I also am trying to figure out how to kill everyone in the imperial city…. I think I may be a bit crazy.
Clark Cradic: So you wish, so it shall be done…except it would be morally wrong to equip a Naruto fanatic with ordinary weapons and no parodies! I'm sure you won't mind parodying Naruto in an insane person's fic. I know people who would die for that kind of opportunity…..all of whom are dead….they took it a bit too literally.
Val of clan Valkyre: Right, mystic lock pick of doom, and a bunch of sugar hi grunts. So in other words, an ordinary lock pick, a drop ship full of normal grunts, and a fuel rod…when you think about it, it's the same thing...then again I think we will stick with the lock pick of doom.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Nah, E-bay Johnson is done. He has served a purpose in life that most men could never fulfill. Being eaten alive by a giant teddy bear as a joke at the end of a homicidal, soon to be world dictator's fic…very few people could live such a dream.
Drew829: That's smart of you. Being near Karin's hammer is a very bad idea. Especially if she's angry. Hell I invented her and I'm still scared. This could either mean that I am completely insane or I make convincing characters. I personally think it's a little of each.
TenWings: Great! Another person takes interest in my fic hurray!...now it's only fair to warn you that reading my fics can lead to a loss of sanity, or death by laughing 2 much. You have been warned
Final Fantasy Mech Eater: I see…so you can make people's head explode with a sponge… I don't suppose this is a sponge that just absorbed a liquid form of a radioactive material, or a sponge filled with C4?
Mister Frodo: Don't worry, Sarcasm doesn't work that well in reviews so you are COMPLETELY off the hook….by the way, that right there was ALSO sarcasm :D. Just kidding. You shall appear in the story as I had originally planned
Isaac Malott: I know what you mean. No one can remember anything in Summer. Yet they still expect us to take finals! WHY! WHY MUST WE GO THROUGH SUCH PAIN AND…….what was I talking about again?
War drums started beating…
A crow in the middle of blood gulch flew away as a mass of covenant charged over one side of a hill, yelling and screaming at the soon to come image of dead humans littering the already blood red valley.
On the other side, A single Spartan stood dramatically on a rock.
Then a $#!7 Load of marines came down from the hill behind him, charging at the covenant.
Suddenly, flood started falling from the sky on top of the charging forces.
Darlmon woke up panting.
Darlmon: "What a strange dream…yes it seems somewhat familiar. As if I had seen it while watching Mangor play War Craft 3."
Crow: "Darlmon."
Darlmon: "AH! A TALKING CROW!"
The crow turned into an old man
Darlmon: "AH! AN OLD MAN!"
Medivh: "I have come to,"
Darlmon: "Hey aren't you the crow from my dream?"
Medivh: "No that was my cousin Fred. Now shut up in listen. I have come to warn you young warchief, of a,"
Darlmon: "I'm not a war chief. I'm a captain."
Medivh: "OH JUST SHUT UP! Honestly do you know how hard it is to deliver this message to every race in War Craft 3 and be everywhere at once! IT'S HARD! Anyways you must save your people, blah blah blah, move west to Danger canyon and,"
Darlmon: "This is Halo 2 there is no map called Danger Canyon."
Medivh: "WHAT! Then what the hell am I trying to save?"
Medivh turned back into a crow and flew away.
Several Yards Away…
Sarge: "Oh look a crow. A perfect chance to prove that Shotguns can kill targets that are far away."
BANG!
Church: "Wow good shot."
It was then that Darlmon realized that he was surrounded by "demons"
Darlmon: "WHAT AM I DOING HERE! Are you hoping to keep me hostage!"
Mangor stepped out from the shadows.
Mangor: "Easy brother."
Darlmon: "Brother what is going on?"
Mangor: "Well, after killing a worthy opponent, our ship crashed into the enemy's."
Darlmon: "Now I remember…poor Elite…I will NEVER forget his bravery and courage in the front line!"
Mangor: "HEY! QUIT GIVING CREDIT TO YOUR SOLDIER AND LISTEN TO MY STORY!"
Darlmon: "Oh of course."
Mangor: "I noticed the red demons running to this base. So I followed them. I was going to attack them but the one in black convinced me that we should kill the flood before fighting each other. So we made a temporary alliance."
Darlmon: "I see. So how long was I out?"
Mangor: "About two minutes. I'm a fast negotiator."
Darlmon: "Ok, and what is the plan."
Mangor: "Well we have about 50 grunts, five elites, and two brutes left but the demons here said they have "powerful" allies."
Church: "Yah, the sacred relics you guys refer to, are tools called plot devices. We have one that can help."
Darlmon: "Why did you not use it earlier?"
Simmons: "We didn't know how it worked. Only one person ever used it before. It was lucky that…she…got here."
Mangor: "The female in black?"
Everyone pointed to the corner where Karin was glomping Caboose
Karin: "I MISSED YOU TOO CABOOSE!"
Caboose: "Who are you?"
There was a loud cracking noise, indicating that Karin had once again broken one of Cabooses ribs.
Darlmon: "I don't understand…"
Tex: "Just leave this chapter to the reviewers."
Donut: "Here Karin, I finished charging the phone."
Karin sighed.
Karin: "I still don't see how you don't understand how to use this device. There is a big green button with neon lights that says, SUMMON ALL OF THE REVIEWERS!"
Church: "So?"
Karin sighed once more and pushed the button.
Instantly the room was filled with 6 people, all wearing Matrix style cloaks.
Church: "What are the cloaks for?"
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "I have no idea."
Church: "Ok then…"
Sarge: "Listen up I have come up with a highly intelligent plan!"
Sarge pulled out a large peace of construction paper with X's O's and intersecting lines.
Sarge: "Basically you three charge down here into enemy gun fire, as you two shoot the wall over there for no particular reason. And then the short one there dies to create dramatic effect."
The "short" one stepped up.
Penguin god: "I AM NOT SHORT! Damn my brother and his annoying growth spurt."
Tex: "I see the author sent someone to give us some real instructions."
Penguin god: "Actually…his plan was the same as Sarge's… but I don't want to die so I came up with a better plan."
Everyone pretended to listen.
Penguin God: "Right, Mister Frodo will obtain a blue and red fanatic hostage, brain wash them to our side, via torture so that we can use them to convince the other fanatics.
Someone was snoring.
Penguin God: "In the mean time, Captain ha ha over there will hold back the flood, which is multiplying itself in the mint Oreo pool…oh I forgot to mention, as it turns out, if you combine dead marines, with mint Oreos and water, it will create a flood breeding ground."
Cpt.ShaneSchofield eyed the flame thrower that had mysteriously appeared in his hand.
Penguin God: "In the mean time, Val of clan Valkyre will create a distraction, so that most of O'Malley's men focus on him. He will have a squadron of sugar hi grunts to back him up."
Val: "And the lock pick?"
Penguin god: "Yes my brother said something about a lock pick of doom…good luck with that."
Val: "YAI!"
Penguin God: "Clark, Karin, and Isaac will go to O'Malley while this is taking place."
Everyone clapped.
Penguin God: "Now how many people listened to a word of that?"
……..no one raised their hand.
Penguin God: "Fine, just go do what you must. You will probably do what your suppose to do without me telling you. Oh and one last word of warning."
Clark: "Don't die?"
Caboose: "Eat your vegetables?"
Church: "Don't talk to strangers?"
Donut: "Always talk to strangers?"
Penguin God: "No….READ MY SMASH BROTHERS AND NARUTO FICS!"
Everyone sweat dropped.
Penguin God: "Duo helped me make some of them, so I HIGHLY recommend that you read them."
Everyone sensed the slightly homicidal tone and quietly went to where they were suppose to go.
Tex: "Ok, and the rest of us will get ready for when we actually do something next chapter."
Church: "So in other words, watch and drink soda."
Tex: "Pretty much."
Meanwhile…in the middle of the canyon…
Mister Frodo: "Here random blue and red fanatics…I want you to have this sniper rifle."
Red Fanatic: "Thanks. But why is there a countdown timer on it? Going down form 30?"
Mister Frodo: "Well it definitely isn't a countdown for when it's going to blow up."
Blue Fanatic: "Oh ok. I was worried there for a second."
Mister Frodo: "Oh come on. It's called sarcasm."
Blue Fanatic: "Oh….so it is going to blow up?"
The sniper rifle blew up.
Mister Frodo dragged the fanatics towards the base.
Mister Frodo: "Figures, 9 chapters in my fic and he only picks up on the exploding sniper rifle…how wonderful."
At red base, Val's drop ship touched down with about 20 sugar hi grunts.
Grunt: "AH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
The grunts ran around shooting everything in sight…including each other.
Red Fanatic: "HALT! Who goes there!"
Val poked the fanatic with a lock pick. The Fanatic then fell to his knees and died.
Val: "This isn't quite chaotic enough…I KNOW!"
Val stood in the Juken Stance.
Val: "64 POKES! Wow I didn't expect the author to make me parody Naruto."
Val quickly poked 64 fanatics with his lock pick of doom.
All of the fanatics died instantly except for one.
Blue Fanatic: "OH GOD MY ARM!"
Val: "How did you live?"
Blue Fanatic: "DEAR GOD IT HURTS! IT HURTSSS OH HELP ME AHHHH!"
A bunch of sugar hi grunts started jumping up and down on top of the fanatics half dead body.
Blue Fanatic: "EVERY MOMENT I LIVE, I LIVE IN AGONY!"
Val: "Weird, this is suppose to kill people with just one hit…"
And at the mint Oreo cave we all know and love…
Cpt.ShaneSchofield calmly walked up to where a large mass of flood were eating dead Brutes.
The somewhat insane Captain, calmly pulled out a flame thrower, and without even blinking aimed it at the flood….before laughing madly, burning down everything in his path.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" (yes I did take that directly from a review…oh wait we're still missing the dynamite)
The captain threw a stick of dynamite into the large mass of flood.
There, now we have everything except for the melting fake captain….
BOOM!
The captain ignored the author's side comments and walked around in circles torching flood zombies.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "This is oddly addictive. I should do this more often."
And at the rock formation…….
O'Malley: "Damn! That crazy buy with the lock pick was just a distraction! Half of our fanatics are over there right now. Oh well. I still have my trusty rocket launcher!"
O'Malley then came to the realization that he hadn't used his rocket launcher the entire story.
O'Malley: "WHERE IS IT! WHERE'S MY BABY!"
Isaac: "Looking for this?"
O'Malley: "Oh no…"
Issac: "It's a shame O'Malley if only you were as evil as me. MWUHAHA AHHAHAHA!"
O'Malley: "Evil Isaac!"
Issac: "Ah, I see you recognize me evil laughter…I wonder if you remember what it's like dodging rockets being shot at you from a homicidal maniac with split personalities."
Isaac fired his rocket at O'Malley who used his DS, to make the Rockets miss.
O'Malley: "HA HA HA! As long as I have this, you can never beat me! Oh and I have a MUCH better evil laugh that you!"
Isaac's eyes narrowed.
Isaac: "You…didn't…."
O'Malley: "What's that? Are you upset because you aren't as evil as me? Just face it! My evil plans are MUCH more elaborate than yours!"
Isaac: "I KEEL j00!"
Isaac leapt at O'Malley, and as expected the scene switches over to Karin and Clark fighting off the remaining Fanatics near O'Malley.
Red Fanatic: "CHARGE!"
Karin pulled out two SMG's, and emptied three clips into the oncoming wave of fanatics, and then switched to her brute shot, and fired several shots into the oncoming crowd.
Blue team and Red team were watching this from blue base.
Tex: "I don't believe it….she effectively….managed…to singly handedly…"
Church: "MISS EVERY SHOT!"
Karin: "Why the hell did I bother with the guns?" Karin took out her most useful weapon…that's right…her hammer."
Mangor: "I seem to recall, Tarterus having something like that…..it wasn't nearly as scary when he used it."
Karin started bashing in fanatic heads while Clark shot fanatics with his needler.
Fanatic: "AH! IT'S SO PINK! IT BURNS IT BURNS!"
Blue Fanatic: "Hey instead of running away when we get hit by exploding needles, why don't we charge into him so the needles blow up him as well."
Red Fanatic: "YAI! KAMAKAZI!"
Clark switched to his handy dandy beam sword and cut the fanatics in half.
Clark: "You know, I imagined using that weapon set a bit longer…"
A final Fanatic charged Clark.
Clark: "Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu"
A grand fire ball came out of no where and hit the fanatic.
Fanatic: "GAH I'M MELTING! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING CALLED OVER KILL!"
Clark: "Cool! I wonder what else I can do……"
Ahem…yes…back to the prisoners…
Red Fanatic: "NEVER! I SHALL NEVER CAVE IN TO YOUR TORTURE TECHNIQUES!"
Mister Frodo sighed and rewinded the DVD back for the fifth time to the same spot.
Miser Frodo: "How many times do you want to see the romance seen between Anikin and Padme before you listen to the author's demands?"
Red Fanatic: "OK OK I GIVE IN! I SECSEDE FROM O'MALLEYS ARMY!"
Mister Frodo: "I won't let you go until you spell secede right."
Red Fanatic: "How do you know I spelt it incorrectly?"
Mister Frodo: "Look three lines above this one."
Red Fanatic: "CURSE YOUR AWARNESS OF THE AUTHOR YOU NONENTITY!"
Mister Frodo: "Nonentity? Who the hell actually says that?"
Red Fanatic: "I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!"
Mister Frodo sensed he was done and turned to the blue fanatic
Mister Frodo: "Should I tell you what really happened to runny bunny in my fic again?"
The blue fanatic shook his head slowly.
Mister Frodo: "Great, my job is done."
Mister Frodo grabbed a shot gun and ran out towards the battle field.
Red Fanatic: "Um…I think he forgot to let us go…"
On the other side of the canyon…
Val picked up his conveniently placed bow and arrow, and fired it at the ever growing crowd of fanatics.
The arrow ricocheted off the walls repeatedly until it killed every fanatic in the immediate area….which somehow caused a sonic boom.
Simply put, a whole lot of people died.
Val: "Why the hell do I use the lock pick when I have arrows?"
Val absent mindedly threw the lock pick into the crows of fanatics.
Then it created an explosion that rivaled that of the Hiroshima atomic bomb.
Val: "Ohhhhh that's why."
Val suddenly became aware of his lack of Grunts and weapons. As well as the fifty or so fanatics that had somehow survived the explosion.
Val: "This calls for a tactical retreat."
Val ran across the canyon to where Isaac was fighting O'Malley while the notorious captain was finishing his job of keeping the flood at bay.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "Well I'm out of ammo and out of dynamite….I suppose there's only one thing I can do."
The captain took a breath.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Hearing the battle cry, the smaller flood spontaneously combusted.
The larger flood continued to advance towards the captain who took this opportunity to run towards the rock formation just at the other side of the canyon, since it seemed as though everyone was there.
Karin finished off the last red fanatic with her hammer as Clark was cutting down the last of the blue fanatics…and burning down…and just all around killing.
Clark: "KAITEN!"
Clark spun around as every fanatic around him was pushed back.
Clark: "Housenka no Jutsu"
A bunch of smaller fire balls burned the last of the fanatics.
Clark and Karin looked towards Isaac and O'Malley who were wrestling over the DS.
O'Malley: "I'M EVILER!"
Isaac: "NO! I AM!"
Val jumped out of no where and tried to get the DS.
Val: "Must…get DS…and become…all powerful…"
O'Malley: "I'm so evil, I thought of a way to get rid of you!"
Isaac: "WHAT!"
O'Malley let go of the DS for a split second, grabbed Isaac's rocket launcher, and fired a rocket at the base.
The rocket hit a wall, which caused the wall to shake, which caused the cell phone to fall off the table it was on, causing a message to appear, saying that the signal had been lost.
Val grabbed the cell phone triumphantly.
Val: "YES! I FINALLY GOT I! I-."
Val disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Cpt.ShaneSchofield: "That sucks…" The captain disappeared as well.
Isaac: "I'm still eviler." Isaac was the next to disappear.
Clark Cradic: "Do we get to keep the Matrix cloths?"
Penguin god appeared out of no where.
Penguin god: "I have NO idea."
Penguin god and Clark disappeared.
Mister Frodo: "Well I'm the last to go…is that a good thing?"
Mister Frodo disappeared.
O'Malley: "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
Karin laughed triumphantly.
O'Malley: "Oh no, it's you."
Karin picked up O'Malley's precious Ds.
Griff: "Oh no, this is every guys worse dream. His ex girlfriend with a grudge against him finding his DS and having the power to delete his files. IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO WATCH!"
Tex: "Is this our que to charge in with Sheila?"
Church: "Yah, that Sarge guy is already charging in."
Sarge: "CHARGE!"
Tex: "I thought the author said there would be two chapters left. There only seems to be enough room for one."
Church: "The next chapter is a pointless intermission. You'll see."
Darlmon: "So this…author you speak of…the real god of this universe…is he going to end the chapter now?"
Church: "Yah I gue,"
END OF CHAPTER!...I just had to cut Church off. It's amusing…yah I did my best to give each of you a part you would like in this chapter. Mister Frodo seemed to be perfect for the torturing, there's nothing more amusing than seeing two evil people charging at them. I just got Cpt.ShaneSchofield to manage the flood because I figured he would enjoy using a flame thrower. And Clark requested his part. And as for Val…I needed a distraction and he was the one who wanted a team of sugar hi grunts, so it all worked out in the end. Keep reading and reviewing.