Negan was always sitting in the shadow, so I couldn't really see his face, but I could make it out that his beard grew long and his hair was messy too. And he started to stink.

I knew Michonne was mourning Rick, so I didn't dare to ask for her permission.

I had my own resources, I always gathered rainwater and grew my own plants in my little garden.

I filtrated the rainwater, boiled it, and poured it into a washbasin. I grabbed a soap bar, a blade, and the scissors, and I went down to his cell in the evening.

He was still awake, staring at the window.

I put down the washbasin, it made a noise. He looked at me.

"I want you to wash yourself."

His expression distorted into madness.

"You want?" he said through gritted teeth. He slowly came to the bars. I backed away. He stared at me for long minutes then yelled at me so suddenly I jumped.

"I want so many things! You don't want! You can't!" he was mad.

I breathed. I got over my fear. I stepped closer to the bars.

"I get it. You wanted to kill Rick and now you are angry because he is dead and not by your hands. And you are also angry because you want to die, you have no purpose anymore and Maggie spared you."

His eyes were furious. He stared at me so steadily I felt uneasy. Suddenly he smacked the bars with such force I had no idea where it came from since he was so weak. But I guess fury gave him strength. I took one more step closer to the bars.

"Do you want to kill me?" I asked him. His eyes were still furious but a faint, distorted smile appeared in the corner of his mouth. It wasn't a happy smile at all.

I stood his stare.

"If I had my Lucille…"

"You killed Glenn because he had a wife, didn't you? And Abraham for being in love? You wanted to cause suffering. You wanted Maggie, Sasha, and Rosita to feel the way you did. Making them weak."

His eyes were still furious, but then he turned away. I understood him better than I thought.

"Drown yourself in that water you brought," he said quietly.

I didn't want to provoke him anymore, but if he wouldn't wash himself, he is going to be ill.

"I know you want to die, but Carl wanted you to take part in the community and while Rick didn't let you, he still kept you alive for Carl's sake, so you are going to wash yourself, because I'm not letting you get ill and die!"

He glanced at me. I think he was surprised at how much I understood him.

"For Carl," he murmured. Fury vanished. He nodded and let me step in. I stepped into the cell, tied his hands.

"How should I wash myself if you tie me up?"

"I don't trust you."

"So you're gonna wash me?" he smiled like a pervert.

"No, I'm taking that off, and wait for you to finish. Unfortunately, I will have to watch to prevent you from drowning yourself. Get your clothes off, I brought you fresh ones."

He still smiled like a mad pervert while he took off his clothes.

"Alrighty then. I'm not shy." he stood before me naked. I rolled my eyes.

"Just get on with it, wash," I told him.

He washed himself while smiling like an idiot. I gave him the fresh clothes. I will probably burn the old ones, I'm definitely not washing them.

"Better?" I asked when he finished and got dressed.

"Yeah, so are we gonna fuck now or what?" he asked with a huge smile. My face went red. I didn't expect that. He had several wives at the Sanctuary, so I guess he is a pervert after all.

"No. But I will shave your face if you want to get rid of that thing." his smile faded. Seems like he went back to normal.

"That would be nice. It was itchy lately."

"You don't have lice in there, do you?" I asked disgustedly. I'm not disgusted by the walkers, but I am with insects. Funny.

"No, it was just… well… not too hygienic."

I sighed. I opened the cell once more, tied his hands back. He sat on his bed. I brought the blade and scissors. He looked at me for a moment.

"You are pretty. You could have been my wife back at the Sanctuary," he said proudly.

"No, thanks," I said and focused on getting rid of that thing he called a beard. I cut his hair too. He just laughed at my resistance. When I finished, I packed everything, untied his hands, and locked the cell. Then I left without a word. He didn't say anything either.

It was already dark outside. I bumped into Carol as I was on my way back to my house.

"Hey, what are you doing?" she asked.

"I made a pretty make" over on Negan." she looked at me questioningly. "I let him wash and then I cut his hair and beard. He was getting disgusting."

She rolled her eyes.

"He is not even human, he doesn't deserve that kindness."

"Oh, it wasn't kindness, I just couldn't stand the smell." we both laughed. "And what are you up to?"

She sighed.

"I'm not coming back for a while. I'm staying in the Kingdom. I'm sorry to tell you but… Daryl left too."

"What? Where is he?" my heart started to pound faster.

"He is out in the woods, I guess… He is… he is mourning Rick. He was like a brother to him."

"And you. He is mourning the loss of you."

"What do you mean?"

"You are getting closer with Ezekiel, aren't you?"

"Well… it seems he is taking an interest in me. And I wanted to get away from Daryl, so you could have a chance. But I never imagined Rick would die…" she swallowed back her tears. "He has to mourn Rick. He has to be alone now. And I will see what's going on with Ezekiel. He is a kind person."

"I get it."

I put down the washbasin and hugged her. She smiled at me and left.

Daryl is out there alone. I can't go search for him, he needs to mourn, he needs space…

I took a deep breath and went home.