(Author's notes: Feel free to listen to "I fell in love with the devil" by Avril Lavigne again, starting when you reach the part: "On my way back…")

…

I went back to the Kingdom. Carol came back a little later.

"Sorry. I talked with Daryl for a moment," she said.

"How is he?"

"Better, I think."

"Strange… I didn't feel anything when he showed up."

"Really? Your whole face went red."

"But not because of him. I was afraid he heard something."

Carol looked at me angrily.

"Now that you mention it… I don't even know what to say. For fuck's sake…"

"Yeah, I know… First, I was just feeling pity for Negan, then I started to ease up, he was talking about his wife and then I started to like him, he was mocking me, but then he was just joking and it all became neutral and friendly…"

"I can't believe it… Look," she started to whisper. "Whatever you do… be extremely careful. Maggie and Daryl and some other people agree that Negan should be dead. If anyone would find out about… this thing going on, maybe they would want to kill you too."

"Nothing's going on. I'm trying to resist…"

"What exactly happened?" she asked with an irritated sigh.

"A hug. I had a panic attack and he helped."

"A panic attack? Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Because of the storm?"

"Yes."

"And he could calm you down?"

"I was surprised too."

She shook her head.

"Also, he was talking about himself, and more often he was talking to me so eventually, I got to know him," I continued. Carol was still shaking her head.

"I just can't… Really. There are a lot of nice guys… Ugh…" she waved off.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for your feelings. You can't do anything about them."

"I know. I still feel ashamed. He is a murderer."

"Aren't we all?" she asked. "Just… be very careful."

She hugged me. I felt happy somehow. I didn't know why.

Maybe it was relief?

I stayed with Carol the whole week. She tried to convince me at first to stay away from Negan, but I knew nobody wanted to volunteer to feed him. Carol agreed and eventually accepted the situation. She told me about his husband, who abused her.

"Then you fell in love with the wrong guy too, you know how it is. But let me clear it, Negan wouldn't hurt me. You stayed with your husband even when he hit you regularly?"

"It was a long time ago. I was a different person. I guess he formed my personality, that's why I am who I am today."

"Negan wouldn't hurt me. He told me a lot of things, you know. About himself and how he regrets killing people."

"Did he say that?"

"Yes. He said particularly Glenn and Abraham."

"Wasn't it a pick-up line for you to pity him, so he can have sex?"

"I don't think so. I made it very clear that I'm not having sex with him," Carol made a strange face. "He was joking about that before. I don't even want to think about it now that everything has changed."

"I agree. You should be very careful."

"I don't want to do anything with him. It's not just that he is a murderer, but the way he used to kill people. That disturbs me. How twisted his mind can be?"

"I killed people in various ways too. Does he seem normal? Or is he still playing games?"

"I don't know. I guess he is honest, but I can't be sure."

Carol shook her head.

'I still can't believe it. I wish Daryl would've accepted you and you two would be living happily ever after in the woods."

I smiled.

"Daryl… feels like it was a thousand years ago. I think it was just a huge crush… Like I was a fan of him. Maybe it wasn't love… I can't believe I kissed him. What the hell got into me?"

Carol laughed.

"I wish I had seen his face when you did that. He must have been very confused."

"He was. It was like kissing a tree."

She laughed even harder.

"Oh my god…" she sighed. "And what about Negan? Have you two…?"

"No, it was just a hug that I told you about. It could have been a friendly hug, but I felt something… I don't know if he felt it too. It was strange. I don't even know what I feel now. Everything's so complicated."

"I still wish you would've ended up with Daryl."

"I wish that for you. I know Ezekiel is nice, but I still think you two are meant to be together."

"Don't say that," she waved it off, then changed the subject. "Are you going back tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Okay then let's leave it there. If anything happens… don't write letters to me. You know it's not safe, especially in this case."

"Yes, I know, that's why I always come in person."

"Good. Keep it that way. And be very, very careful."

The next day she walked me to the gates, hugged me then I left the Kingdom.

On my way back I ran into some walkers, but I managed to kill them with my knife. I was intentionally not thinking about Negan. I was looking at the trees, the sky. Everything was calm and beautiful. Nature always calmed me down.

When I got back to Alexandria I went to Gabriel.

"Hi Gabriel, I'm here. You don't have to go to Negan."

"Thank God!" he said. Sounded funny coming from him. I smiled.

I went home and started to prepare Negan's dinner.

I didn't know what to feel, what to do.

I saw Daryl and I didn't feel anything. He was still handsome but… the butterflies were gone. I didn't notice when did the butterflies go away.

I took a deep breath and went down to Negan's cell.

He was lying on his bed.

"Hey," I said.

He looked at me.

"You disappeared again," he said, very seriously.

"Yeah."

He slowly came to the iron bars.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked quietly.

"What?"

"You disappear and I don't know if I will ever see you again."

"I always come back," I said. He was staring at me steadily. My heart beat faster. I put down his meal on a chair.

"What now?" I asked.

He stretched his arm through the bars and grabbed my clothes, pulled me close. He kissed me. I felt like a firework was going on inside my heart. Butterflies in my stomach. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest, it beat so strongly. I hugged him, he pulled me even closer.

I fell in love with the devil.

An alarm was flashing inside my mind. I should stop. I should stop. This is wrong. But I couldn't…

I don't know when this happened. I haven't been thinking about Daryl for a long time. I was worried when he was out in the storm, but my feelings were less intense.

When I kissed him, he was so resistant. It didn't feel good. But Negan… He kissed so passionately. He wanted me… But did he really?

I pulled away, but he was still holding me in his arms. I looked into his eyes.

"Are you serious about this?" I asked him. "Or you just haven't seen women in a long time?"

"I could ask you the same question. You just need a dick?"

He was still holding me in his arms.

"No," I said. "I managed perfectly fine without… dicks."

He laughed.

"And what about Dixon?"

"He is out in the woods. Nothing."

"What if he came back?"

"Nothing. He is not interested."

"But are you still interested?"

"I don't know…" I backed away slowly.

He looked disappointed.

I took a step back. I wanted to leave, but he grabbed my wrist again.

"Don't ever go away like that, without a word."

"I'll come back in the morning," I told him. I looked into his eyes and got butterflies in my stomach again. He let go of my wrist and I left.

My thoughts were about to explode. He kissed me.

It was so strange to think about Daryl and feel almost neutral.

And it was even stranger to think about Negan this way. I had so many feelings inside, I thought I might explode. It felt like I was floating to my house. I didn't know what I was feeling. It was different. When I was in love with Daryl I felt in a different way. Maybe it was more like a crush? Or is this a crush? No, I'm just messed up because he kissed me out of nowhere.

When I lay down in my bed, I couldn't sleep at first.

I was thinking about how I first met him and he was just staring at the ceiling. When he started to speak to me. When he told me I was pretty. He mocked me too, which wasn't nice, but then he changed. He became more and more friendly. He told me things about his wife and his life before the apocalypse. He regretted killing Abraham and Glenn. He was like a whole new person. And Carol was right about that we are all murderers. We have all murdered living people since this shit started.

I remember the first person I killed. We ran into each other in a grocery store. I was starving for days. He took the last canned food. I did it as fast and painless as I could. I stabbed through his heart. Then I got the canned food and I was crying all night.

Negan killed people slowly and theatrically. I guess he wanted to maintain fear in order to rule.

When I finally fell asleep, I was dreaming about everything that happened.

I dreamed about how he hugged me when I had that panic attack during the storm. How we slept next to each other, I was leaning on his shoulder, he was holding my hand.

And then today… He kissed me.

I fell in love with the devil…

(Author's notes: Yes, sure you can listen to Avril's "I fell in love with the devil" again. 3 I'm listening to it all the time while I'm writing this. xD 3 Thank You for reading!)