(Author's note: Listen to "Holding on to Heaven" by Nickelback before you read. ❤︎)
…
Negan, in his cell
One week passed since Quinn left.
Negan was sitting on the floor staring out the window. He was looking at the clouds passing by. He got a ball from Judith, he was throwing it sometimes, but not today. He was just sitting there. He dreamed about Quinn last night, he felt like she was there with him. He was so angry, if he saw Dixon again, he would punch him in the face so hard. He blamed Daryl for everything that happened. Quinn was already feeling down because of him and then Michonne got to know what was going on because he appeared and made a scene. Negan clenched his fist at this thought, making an angry face.
"Hey!" he heard a little voice at the window. He got distracted from his thoughts, he released his fist, his face was relaxed again.
"Hey, Jude. What's up?" his voice was hoarse. He gathered himself to stand up and went to the window.
She ran back up the stairs, so no one would see her at Negan's window. She sat down.
"I'm sorry that Quinn had to leave," she said.
Negan felt like someone punched him in the stomach. He started to rub his chest, fortunately, the window was the same level as his face, so Judith wouldn't see it.
"I appreciate it," he said, in a crackling voice.
"Mom said she can't visit you. Mom doesn't want you to feel happy."
Negan nodded.
"I understand her."
"What exactly did you do that she hates you so much?" she asked curiously.
Negan's mouth's corner flinched.
"I… uh… I did very bad things. I made your mom and dad very sad. I mean veeeery, very sad. And Maggie, and so many others."
"But what exactly?"
"I don't wanna talk about it…" he said quietly, laughing nervously. Judith looked at him above her shoulder.
"Are you crying?" she asked.
"Hell no," he said. He leaned his forehead against the iron bars on the window. He wasn't crying, he was just feeling guilty.
"Judith, where are you?" Michonne was shouting somewhere in the house.
"Coming!" Judith shouted back at her. She looked at Negan.
"I don't think anyone deserves this," she said, then hurried into the house.
Negan had a faint smile on his face. He turned around, leaned his back at the wall, still rubbing his chest.
What did I exactly do?
BANG
BANG
BANG
He closed his eyes, he could still see clearly the remains of Abraham and Glenn. He could relieve what he did anytime, it was living inside his mind vividly. He opened his eyes.
"I deserve this, Jude," he whispered.
I fucked up - he thought - I thought I was doing the right thing, but I figured that I was wrong all along. Wish I could turn back time. If I haven't been doing the shit I was doing, then I could be happy with Quinn. I deserve this. Maggie can't be happy, neither Sasha… So, I can't be happy either. I don't deserve happiness.
He crouched down and buried his face in his hands. He couldn't cry anymore. He thought there were no tears left. He was just regretful. He was determined. He wanted to get out. To find Quinn.
He was trying to get Michonne to come down and talk, but she wouldn't come. He thought she knew what he wanted to talk about and she wouldn't change her mind anyway.
And there came the Jesus freak. Gabriel brought him lunch, giving it to him with disgust on his face. He didn't say a word, turned around, and left quickly.
Negan sighed.
"Fucking Jesus freak," he started to eat the slice of bread he got.
He missed Quinn so much. There were times when she disappeared for a week or a month, but then eventually she always turned up. But now… He knew she will never come again.
He sighed, closed his eyes.
He couldn't stop thinking about her.
What is she doing now?
…
Another week passed like this. Then a month.
He felt that he was slipping back to depression.
Every time he felt deep in it, he forced himself to think about Quinn, to think about how he would get out to find her.
He promised her. So, he won't give up.
But sometimes he felt really down. Hopeless.
He was pacing in his cell.
He kicked his bed.
"Fuck it!" he yelled.
He was careful to freak out only at night, so Judith won't hear his swear words.
He was pacing, back and forth, back and forth.
He was kicking his bed sometimes.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he shouted again.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Aaron appeared at his window.
Negan quickly turned around.
"Fuck you!" he yelled at him without thinking. But then he gave a second thought, he wanted to get out, to find Quinn, so maybe he should be… kind-erish to the citizens of Alexandria? He took some breaths, Aaron was staring at him with that disgusted look everyone gave him. "I mean, I'm upset… that's all…" said Negan in a rumbling voice. Aaron got surprised by this sudden change.
"Well, then be upset in silence, because you are going to wake up children in the nearby houses," said Aaron angrily, then left.
Negan took a deep breath.
Fucking prick that one too. – he thought. - At least he adopted the baby whose father Rick killed. Still a fucking prick.
He banged his fist into the wall for one last time, then he wrapped up being angry for today.
He sat down, his back against the wall. He was sitting in the exact same spot he was when they fell asleep with Quinn on the night of the storm. He closed his eyes, he pretended she was there. He remembered how she leaned her head on his shoulder.
He pulled his knees up, placed his arms on them, then bowed his head on his arms.
He felt really down. There was no sign of Michonne, there was no hope. Now that he really wanted to get out, now he had a purpose, he realized how much he fucked up. He just felt the weight of his actions.
He didn't even know Abraham and Glenn. Didn't even know their names, he found out later. He felt ashamed and regretful. Abraham's last words were "suck my nuts"… He would have liked him if he would have gotten to know him. If he hadn't killed him.
How could he do it?
He still remembered clearly. He acted as cool and badass as he could, even smiling, then he went back to the Sanctuary, put down Lucille, and hysterically throw away his leather jacket and his gloves, kicked off his shoes. He was doing this very fast, he shut the door behind him and locked it. As soon as he heard the click in the lock he started to cry. He was so theatrical, he got what he wanted, he managed to rule by fear, but he still had feelings.
He was just a human.
He wiped away his tears, looked down, and realized his trousers were covered with their blood. There were pieces of hair, skin… even brain. And a lot of blood. He quickly got out of his trousers as well and throw them as far as he could. He hurried to the bathroom, put his hands on the sink, and breathed heavily. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. His hair got messy too, it was so well done when he went out to scare Rick's group, but now it was just messy, a piece of it was in front of his forehead. He was shaking. He did this several times already, but he couldn't get used to it. No one know about it though, how much it shook him. He was sobbing quietly, then he looked in the mirror. His eyes were red, his face full of guilt, and he had bloodstains all over him. Quickly he washed his face and hands, tried to get rid of the bloodstains, but he could still see them even if they were not there anymore.
Just like guilt.
He took a bath, got fresh clothes. He let out a huge sigh, but it was no relief, he did it on purpose to calm himself. He washed his face again, put back the hair from his forehead back to its place, got Lucille, and left his room. He went back to his people, he saw Dwight and approached him with a huge smile.
"Hey, Dwighty-boy! Clean this blood-thirsty angel for me, will you?" he said and put Lucille in Dwight's hand. He looked disgusted, since it had everything all over it, but took it without a word. Negan watched him leave, his smile faded away.
Back to acting.
He remembered this and couldn't even think how much regret he had. He felt like a completely different person now.
He was still sitting in his cell, on the ground, his knees pulled up, his arms on them and his head on his arms.
Only if he could tell Michonne how sorry he was. But he couldn't. Michonne doesn't come.
Eventually, he fell asleep with these thoughts.
He had nightmares…
He always had nightmares.
…
(Author's note: Listen to "World so Cold" by Three Days Grace.
❤︎ Thank You for reading! ❤︎)