Author's notes: Listen to "By the Grace of God" by Katy Perry before reading. ❤︎

…

Quinn, Kingdom

I opened my eyes. I saw white, very white, everywhere. I had to blink a few times to get used to the bright sunlight that was coming through the window. I was lying in a bed. Two figures were sitting next to me. My vision started to clear. The two figures were Carol and Daryl, right beside my bed. They seemed relieved.

"How are you, honey?" Carol asked quietly, caressing my hand, smiling at me faintly. I looked at her. I remembered immediately she told Daryl about me and Negan. They are the reason I can't see him ever again. I took my hand away from Carol. She stopped smiling.

"You…" I started, but my voice was so hoarse I could hardly speak. Carol offered me a glass of water. I ignored it. I tried to sit up.

"You shouldn't get up so soon," she said worryingly.

"You…" I started again, my voice still hoarse, but a little bit stronger than the first time. "You are the reason I can't see him ever again," I said as angry as I could, but I was so weak and my voice was hoarse and shaky I didn't sound as fierce as I wanted to. I saw Daryl take his eyes off of me and started staring at the ground. Carol glanced at him, then turned to me again.

"You should rest, please, calm down," Carol said quietly.

"No," I said as fiercely as I could. "Why did you do this to me?"

Both of them were silent, they didn't dare to look at me or each other. They felt guilty.

"I just wanted to help you, I want the best for you…" started Carol.

"What's best for me?" I asked aggressively.

Suddenly Daryl stood up and came closer to me.

"I'm so sorry, Quinn," he said. I didn't know why he was apologizing, but I didn't care anyway.

"Sorry for what? For getting me kicked out of Alexandria so I can never see Him again?"

Daryl looked uneasy.

"I'm sorry about everything. You deserve better. Better than me and definitely better than… him."

My eyes were furious, at least I hoped they seemed as furious as I felt.

"I don't want to see you ever again…" I stated.

"Calm down, please," said Carol again.

"Why am I not dead anyway?!" I asked angrily.

"You don't want to die," Daryl said.

I felt like I could explode from anger. He was wrong, I wanted to die.

"How dare you…" I said through gritted teeth, but Carol interrupted me.

"Daryl saved you," said Carol.

"How? Were you following me or what?" I asked.

"I was nearby," he said simply. Like I would believe that.

"You were following me because you still feel that you owe me," I said. I started coughing because I talked so much with a hoarse throat. Carol offered me the glass of water again. This time I took it and took a sip, but I looked at Carol like I was killing her with my eyes.

"Just… why?" I asked.

"I didn't want you to die," Daryl said. "I can't let you…" he seemed to be very uncomfortable like it caused him pain to form the words.

"I wanted to die," I told him staring at him as steady as I could. "I have no purpose."

"You have," said Carol. "But now you should rest. Calm down and try to sleep a little," she said as soothingly as she could. I still felt very mad.

"I will be near if you need anything," Carol said, giving me a quick, faint smile, then they turned around and left me alone, with my thoughts.

I felt like my head was about to explode because of the anger. I took some deep breaths.

They just want to help me… I kept saying this to myself. They just want to help me. I had to think straight. They did this because they want to help me. I had to process it. But I couldn't shake the anger. Not just yet.

…

Carol and Daryl left Quinn to rest. They stepped outside into the sunlight.

"This is going to be harder than I thought," said Carol.

"She hates me," said Daryl.

"She will ease up with time," Carol said. "Are you heading out already? I thought you wanted to talk to her."

"I'll come back. She's not herself now," said Daryl. Carol nodded.

…

I didn't sleep at all for two days, then I finally fell asleep because of exhaustion. I kept thinking about Negan. I didn't know him that well, but I knew some things about him and I witnessed that he was changing. He was a good man, but the apocalypse brought the worst out of him. I knew that. And I couldn't shake the memory when he managed with my panic attack during the night of the storm. He was so gentle and passionate at the same time. I knew I felt something immediately.

Honestly… I felt something even before. A little. Not when he was mad. I started to feel something when he started to be kind to me. I didn't accept these feelings, I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I had a crush on him. I worked so hard to suppress it, but eventually, I failed. I fell in love with him, despite everything he did. And I couldn't stop thinking about him. How much time we wasted by arguing and fighting our feelings when we could have been together. And I still felt guilty, I felt like I betrayed Michonne and Maggie and Eugene and Rosita and Aaron… everyone.

I betrayed everyone by loving him.

I was also angry because Carol and Daryl made things even more complicated, actually, they ruined everything. My tears were falling endlessly.

A month went by like this. Carol regularly checked on me, but I was hysterical.

"I don't want to see you," I said through gritted teeth.

Carol looked at me sadly, but she wasn't willing to give up on me.

"I'm staying. And I will come back every day because I care about you."

"Get the hell out of here!" I yelled at her and when she didn't move, I grabbed the glass of water next to my bed and threw it against the wall. Glass shards were flying everywhere. Carol flinched a little but stood her ground. I wasn't aiming for her, I just had to get out the anger.

"I won't give up on you. And I know you can get through this," Carol told me, she cleaned up the mess, then she left.

…

Daryl came back a month and a half later and Carol told him about the glass throwing incident.

"What?" Daryl asked. "I'll just go and kill that bastard," he said angrily referring to Negan, he started pacing in front of Carol. Of course, he blamed Negan for all of this.

"Don't do anything, please. Just calm down," she said soothingly.

"That's not like her, not like her at all," Daryl clenched his fists as he was pacing like he was ready to punch someone.

"I know…" sighed Carol. "I don't know what to do with her. Maybe we shouldn't have interfered… maybe it would be best for her to be with Negan…"

"Are you out of your mind?" asked Daryl, he stopped, raised his voice a little. "That's not good for anyone, definitely not for her!"

"You're right. I was just thinking out loud. I really hope she can get over it. It's been almost two months already."

"She'll get through it. She is tough."

Carol nodded silently, staring at the ground.

"I hope you are getting over it, too," said Carol, looking at Daryl now.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't blame yourself."

He shook his head.

"You can say it any way you like, but I was part of her problems," said Daryl very seriously, while pointing at himself. He was too stubborn, even Carol couldn't change his mind this time.

"But she didn't do this because of you! She had been depressed for a long time, because of the world. She was scared. I thought she will get used to it."

"But she became a fighter," said Daryl.

"Yes, physically. Not emotionally," added Carol.

Daryl shook his head again, staring at the ground.

"I still can't believe how could she fall in love with him," continued Carol, thinking out loud.

"I don't even wanna think about it," murmured Daryl, shaking his head. He was really pissed off by Quinn's behavior.

Suddenly, he got an idea. He felt guilty, but he thought Negan should get his share of the blame too.

"I'm leaving," he told Carol.

"Stay safe," she nodded, worry in her eyes. Daryl looked her in the eye for a minute, then turned around and left.

Along the road, his mind was ticking at this situation. He blamed himself for Quinn's suicide attempt and he wanted to kill Negan so badly. He wanted to kill him anyway, but there were more than enough reasons to kill him now. Felt like his hatred, despise and anger was growing from minute to minute.

When he reached Alexandria, he stormed through the gates, straight to Negan. Michonne came on the street, she was just passing by.

"Daryl! Hey!" she greeted him. "What are you doing here?" she asked him. He glanced at her, didn't want to stop.

"I have business with the bastard," he said angrily. Michonne frowned her eyebrows.

"I can't let you kill him," she said simply.

"I won't. But I want him to suffer. I'm gonna break him."

"How?" asked Michonne, now curious.

"Quinn committed suicide," as he saw Michonne gasp, he quickly added: "She survived. She is alive. But I want to tell that bastard that she died and it was because of him."

Michonne sighed. Shook her head.

"This is wrong, Daryl, this is so wrong," said Michonne, thinking, she shook her head again. "This is so wrong…"

"I wasn't gonna ask for your permission anyway," growled Daryl. "He didn't give a shit about Maggie's emotions, about Sasha's and Rosita's and Rick's and yours. He deserves it. This time, I won't give a shit about his feelings."

Michonne shook her head again.

"We are not like him. You shouldn't do that," said Michonne strictly.

"I'm not asking for permission," repeated Daryl and stormed past by Michonne. She watched him go down to Negan's cell. She didn't like this at all, but she didn't stop him either. She just shook her head and left.

Daryl stopped in front of the iron bars, looking very angry. Negan was lying on his bed casually. He glanced at Daryl, then continued playing with the tennis ball Judith gave him.

"What do you want now?" asked Negan.

"You killed her," said Daryl. He didn't like lying, but he wanted to make Negan feel as guilty as he felt and he wanted him to suffer. If he couldn't kill him, at least he could play a trick, like Negan used to do with them. Also, part of Quinn was dead. She wasn't herself anymore.

"What are you talking about?" Negan sat up in the bed, turned to Daryl.

"She is dead. Because of you.," said Daryl staring at Negan steadily. Negan's heart stopped for a second. His mouth fell open.

"You are lying…" he whispered.

Daryl turned around and left.

"Hey! Stop! Come back here!" Negan rushed to the iron bars and shouted after him. "What happened to her?" asked Negan desperately. Daryl turned back.

"She cut her wrist," he said, then left. He shut the door behind himself.

Negan fell to his knees.

"No…" he whispered. "No… this can't be…"

He was staring into nothingness. He was sitting there for hours. He couldn't believe it. He was broken. He started to cry and couldn't stop. He was sobbing all night, sitting on the floor. He was broken. He lost Lucille… and he lost Quinn…

He was devastated.

He was lost.

Author's notes: Listen to "Hopeless" by Breaking Benjamin. This time it illustrates Negan's feelings. Thank You for reading! ❤︎