Quinn, Kingdom

We had lunch together, without saying a word, then Carol talked to Daryl for a little while, then he left the Kingdom again. I was taken back to my room at the infirmary.

Carol took me on walks more regularly. I promised Daryl I won't hurt myself again, but Carol was still cautious. She protected me like I was an infant. It was so frustrating, sometimes I wished she would just leave me alone. The night was the only Carol free time of my day, that's the only occasion I can think about Negan. There wasn't a night without me thinking about him. Carol tried so hard to get my thoughts distracted during the day, but she couldn't control me completely, she couldn't distract me 24 hours a day.

I wasn't tied to the bed anymore, but I didn't have any dangerous items in my room either, because Carol still thought I wanted to die. I wasn't sure anymore if I wanted to die… I felt like I have to do something, I just didn't know what.

Another month passed.

Carol thought I forgot about what she said when I mocked her about Daryl. I decided I will ask her about it again. Because I was curious and I'm supposed to be her best friend (besides Daryl of course), so she should tell me. I told her everything, that's the only thing I ask for in return. I told her all about Daryl back then, and then Negan. So, it's her turn.

We went out to take our regular walk.

"Can we walk in the forest today?" I asked her. She frowned her eyebrows, she suspected something was off immediately.

"Why?" she asked.

"I won't let you get away with it. Let's go out, you owe me an explanation."

She knew what I was talking about. She sighed then nodded. We headed through the gates, to the woods.

"I was pretty rude when I asked about Daryl and Ezekiel, but I'm really curious and you said we will talk about it."

"I was hoping you forgot about it," she said with a strange tone, I couldn't understand maybe it was sadness or annoyance?

"So what?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. I mean, since we were living in the prison, I knew you and Daryl were something. What happened or what is happening?"

She looked around, to make sure there weren't any walkers or listeners.

"Daryl and I…" she sighed and started again. "We never really talked about it. We don't address it."

"That's the crappiest thing I ever heard. Why are you wasting so much time? You could have been together for years!"

"Daryl is not the romantic type. And he doesn't like physical contact. I didn't want to force him to do anything."

"I see. I just don't understand. Why did you get together with that random guy in Alexandria and then Ezekiel?"

"I think I got tired of waiting for him. The random guy was… his name was Tobin. I don't know. It was just simple and good."

"But no love."

"Yeah, no love…"

"And Ezekiel?"

"I love Ezekiel."

"But you love Daryl more. I learned this the hard way… you can only be in love, really in love with one person. All the others are just a crush or physical attraction or love in a friendly way.

"I don't know… Daryl's just… He is a grown-up man, he should have initiated if he wanted anything."

"He never tried to kiss you?"

She seemed to be taken by surprise by the question and I saw a little redness on her cheeks.

"I… uh… well… You know there was an occasion, I thought about a lot. I'm not sure what he was trying to do, but it was awkward and nothing happened."

"Do you know what I think? He is a though bad boy on the outside, but really, he is a good guy and a veeeery shy one. I think, if you wanted something, you should have initiated it. You should have kissed him."

"I'm not that kind of girl," she said smiling.

"Sure, you are the kind of girl who blows up Terminus, but you can't kiss a guy? Oh my god… you wasted so much time because both of you are awkward. And here came Ezekiel who just jumped on you and you let him, because he is attractive."

"I'm not only attracted to his looks," said Carol offended.

"I still don't understand. But you are in love with Daryl, right now, right?"

She didn't answer, but I could see her whole face going red. She was like a badass woman all the time, but she turned into a shy little girl when Daryl was the topic.

"I love Ezekiel," she repeated. "Maybe I'm just… I got tired of waiting for Daryl. And he is always busy saving everyone. Ezekiel is always there for me, he is reliable and he loves me."

She seemed to feel uneasy.

"So, you chose by your logic and not by your heart," I concluded.

"I love Ezekiel," she repeated for the third time, it sounded like she tried to convince herself, not me. I nodded and changed back the subject.

"But it was so obvious to me, especially after Terminus. Daryl was obsessed with you, he was always staring at you, making sure you were okay, you ate enough, and so on."

"Yeah, I thought so but… nothing happened," Carol nodded in agreement. "I'm happy with Ezekiel now."

She stopped talking, like she was at the end of the story, smiled at me.

I thought I would change the subject as Carol started to feel more uncomfortable, but the only topic that came to my mind was Negan. He wasn't shy to show affection, not like Daryl with Carol.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Carol. Thought police arrived.

"Busted," I said.

She shook her head disapprovingly.

"You shouldn't think about Him…"

I buried my face into my hands. The memory of our first kiss rushed over me so suddenly I lost control. I missed him so much…

I breathed heavily, I sat on my heels. Carol crouched in front of me.

"Are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

"I don't know… I just… I need to breathe… I can't breathe…"

"Don't talk, just breathe slowly in and out. In and out.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I gasped. It didn't matter, because I can't see Negan ever again. I closed my eyes. It was a panic attack. I had no idea what triggered it, though. Just the thought of Negan?

I remembered when he calmed me down. How relaxed I felt in his arms. My breathing became more regular and calmer. Just like now that I thought about it. I opened my eyes, looked at Carol. She was crouching beside me, stroking my back.

"I don't know what happened," I said.

"Just breathe," she said still stroking my back. "I'm so sorry. You're still unstable, we shouldn't have talked about these things. I should have known it will remind you about him."

"I didn't know it will have this effect on me. I just…" I couldn't understand myself. "I'm just so worried about Negan, I don't even know if he is still alive…"

"Don't worry about it. Just try to avoid Negan… I don't know anything about him either, but you should try to get over him."

I sighed, I stood up. I looked Carol in the eye.

"It's really hard not to think about him," I said quietly. I wiped my face. I didn't even realize I was crying. Carol hugged me.

"You're going to be okay."

She escorted me back to my room, then I felt my breathing was irregular again.

Carol gave me a sedative injection. I stayed in there for a week. I had no strength mentally to get up. I felt so many things at the same time. I didn't even know what was going on in my own head. The only clear point was Negan.

It felt like he was an illness and I couldn't recover from him. I would be healthy, whole, and perfect again if we could be together in peace. If no one would interfere and we would live together in a house… I shut my eyes tight and buried my face in my hands. I wanted to be with him so badly. I knew we could do it… We could be together and live in peace. But that's not gonna happen. It's just a fantasy. I wish it was real. But he is not coming out of jail…

And I stuck here with Carol, living a meaningless life.

…

(Author's notes: Listen to "Breathin'" by Ariana Grande. Thank You for reading! ❤)