Quinn, Kingdom

Carol never mentioned Negan since my breakdown, which was a month ago. I haven't seen Daryl since I promised him, I won't hurt myself again.

I kept thinking about Negan anyway. When we kissed for the first time. Every time I thought about it, I felt warm inside, like my chest and my head were filled with pink mist. I was 100% sure that I was in love with Negan.

I was allowed to take walks again, so I was sitting outside at a table and reading a random book I found when I heard the roar of a motorcycle.

Daryl visited today.

I was sure Carol was going to tell him about my breakdown, I just hoped that she will leave out the part what triggered it.

My heart skipped a beat.

Would it be rude if I asked about Negan? Maybe Daryl was in Alexandria too.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to piss off Carol. I didn't want to piss of Daryl either, but since I was in this situation because of him, his feelings didn't matter that much to me at that point. I know, it sounds bad, but I still didn't know on what terms I was on with Daryl. There was just so much going on. The fact that I had a crush on him, but he didn't, and then he made a scene at Alexandria to "save me" from Negan, and then he literally saved me when he followed me to the Kingdom… And I was mad at him for not getting himself together for Carol. I know he had a lot on his plate too, but if he would have gotten together with Carol, she could have helped him through everything.

My thoughts just went off.

Anyway, I didn't know how to feel about Daryl. Maybe one could think we were friends, but I think his only friend is Carol now. I didn't know, really. One thing I knew for sure was that I had to ask. I needed to know.

Carol already greeted him, I stayed on my butt at the table, pretending to be reading, but I couldn't focus on the story anymore.

They approached me of course.

"Hey," Daryl growled. I looked up at him. He wasn't smiling. The only occasion I saw something like a smile since Rick died was when I promised him, I won't try to kill myself again. He was still mourning him, just like the rest of us, but it seemed he was affected very deeply. And he seemed even stranger than his usual self.

"Hi," I said shortly and continued reading.

Daryl glanced at Carol then both of them sat down in front of me. I looked up from my book again.

"What? You look like the parents who sat down with their child to lecture her," I said. I saw the reaction immediately, Daryl glanced at Carol again, a hint of red on his cheeks. Carol looked away with a red face too.

"Carol told me you had a panic attack," Daryl said, looking back at me.

"Of course, she did," I said.

"She is fine now," said Carol smiling at me, then at Daryl.

I couldn't take this awkward situation anymore and I needed to know. So, I asked.

"Have you been to Alexandria recently?"

Carol's eyes widened.

"Quinn, don't," she said. Daryl shook his head.

"Nah," he said.

I decided I will ask straightforwardly.

"Is Negan still alive?" I asked while I didn't dare to look at them. I was staring at my own hand resting on the table. I glanced at Carol, she did a facepalm. She worked so hard to distract my thoughts from Negan, but I kept thinking about him. I glanced at Daryl too, he seemed to feel uneasy, but still nodded a yes. I nodded too. That's all I need to know. He is alive.

"You shouldn't think about him, Quinn, we talked about this several times…" Carol said in a suppressed voice.

"I know," I told her, then I stood up and left. I brought my book back to the library, then I headed to the infirmary. The doctor said soon I can move into a house, but before that, Carol will remove everything that I could use to hurt myself with.

So, in the meantime, I was still living in the infirmary room.

Carol was occupied, so I had all day to daydream about Negan.

I was sitting by the window, watching the clouds passing by.

I would give anything just to hold his hands again.

Then it suddenly clicked into my mind. I have a purpose, an aim now.

I have to run away.

I have to sneak into Alexandria.

I have to see him.

That's what will keep me alive from now on.

Carol visited in the afternoon. I heard her enter the room. I was still watching the clouds.

"Did he leave?" I asked her, but when she didn't answer I turned to her. She nodded yes silently. "What's the matter?" I asked her, she seemed gloomy.

"He said he won't come for a while. He is still mourning Rick, I guess. Like all of us. And your almost death also shook us."

"Sorry," I said, then I turned back to the clouds. I didn't feel anything. He won't come, then be it. I glanced back at Carol. "I know he will come back eventually. He will miss you."

"I think he accepted that I'm with Ezekiel, so I don't think so," her voice was sad. She loved Ezekiel, but she will be worrying for Daryl all the time.

"He can take care of himself," I told her, and I meant it. I turned back to the window to watch the clouds. I didn't know if Carol was still standing there or she left, but then she spoke again.

"I think he met someone," she said quietly. I looked at her.

"What? You mean he randomly found a girlfriend out there in the forest?"

"I don't know, but he is different. He acts differently towards me," her voice was almost cracking and she avoided looking me in the eye. I was surprised and also, I was glad I had no feelings for him anymore because I would be even more devastated by hearing about it. I sighed I stood up and hugged Carol.

"Maybe you should really concentrate on Ezekiel… I think Daryl is still in love with you, he just got distracted and you are with Ezekiel… He has no hope anymore."

I let go of Carol, she nodded and wiped her eyes. She didn't cry but she had tears in her eyes. She was on the verge of crying. But what did she think, really? She chose Ezekiel, Daryl has to continue living his own life. Carol changed the subject.

"You shouldn't have asked about Negan. You know that," she said scoldingly. I nodded silently.

"You can't control my thoughts. Neither can I. However hard we try, I just can't resist thinking about him," I told her. She nodded.

"You can move into the house we were talking about."

"Alright."

"Come on, I'll show you," she said. I followed her outside, to my future house.

I knew as soon as Carol leaves I will daydream again, about Negan.

The house was small, simple, and cozy. I looked around while Carol was standing in the living room.

"How will I prepare food if I don't have any knives?" I asked her while observing the kitchen.

"I will bring you food every day. You don't have to bother with that," she said.

I opened all the cupboards to check.

"Plastic cups? Really? Carol, I don't want to die anymore."

She folded her arms in front of her.

"Better to be cautious," she said.

I rolled my eyes. I kept checking all the cupboards, then I glanced at her again.

"You forgot to take out the windows. If I wanted, I could shatter the glass and kill myself with it."

Carol's eyes widened.

"Relax, I'm just mocking you. I won't do that. As I said, I don't want to die anymore."

Carol frowned her eyebrows and pursed her lips.

"Sounds like you found a reason to live for. Let me guess, you want to sneak away and visit Negan," said Carol staring at me, demanding an answer. I blanched, I could feel all the blood going away from my face.

"That's already a pretty obvious answer," she said, referring to my pale face. "You cannot visit him. I'm glad you want to stay alive, but you have to get over him," she stepped closer to me and took my hand. "Please, Quinn, don't make me run after you all the time, don't do this. You know it's forbidden. Michonne banished you, you can't enter Alexandria. And if you did and she was to punish you, believe me, she won't put you into a cell together with Negan. She would send you back here and you would be a prisoner here. You don't want that."

I sighed.

"You're right… I just miss him so much…" I was staring at the ground, like a little kid he knew she did something wrong.

"I know, but you have to move on," she said and hugged me. "Please don't make plans like this. I need you here, to help me out," she released me and looked me in the eye.

I nodded.

"I have to go, but I'll come back later and bring you dinner," she flashed a quick smile at me, then left. I still saw sadness in her eyes.

I closed the door behind her, then I turned around and sat on the floor, my back against the door. I let out a long sigh.

How could she figure it out so fast? I think she knows me better than I thought. I will sneak away to visit Negan eventually, but not now that she is so aware of it. Anyway…

Did Daryl really hook up with someone in the forest? What the hell… I wish Carol told me what he said exactly, but I didn't want to interrogate her about it. She was disappointed, I could see that. But what did she think? Daryl can't wait for her forever. But then, Daryl should have initiated when he had the chance, before Ezekiel, before Tobin, before everything. Both of them were guilty in this situation, they were just torturing each other.

Whatever.

I shrugged my shoulder.

I think I fell asleep in that position, leaning against the door. I saw Daryl in Alexandria, lecturing me about Negan. Then I saw Michonne, banishing me. Then I saw Eugene, he was sad I had to leave.

Then I saw Negan…

…

Author's notes: Listen to "Death by a Thousand Cuts" by Taylor Swift. This song represents now both Quinn's and Carol's feelings, they both have heartache, but for different reasons. ❤

PS.: Yeah, I didn't like the Daryl romance episode, so I'm going to continue my fanfiction with Carol x Daryl in mind because I ship them. So if you want him to be with Leah, maybe look for another fanfiction, because that's not gonna happen here, sorry. ^-^ But next week comes the Negan episode on the show, I hope it won't mess up my fanfiction too much. 😊 I'm so excited to see it! Thank You for reading! ❤