Negan, Alexandria

6 months later

Negan was lying on his bed, reading the book Gabriel brought him last time. Judith haven't visited him since he scared her away with screaming and crying. He was completely alone. Only Gabriel visited once every week, but Negan didn't give a shit about him.

It was a sunny afternoon, but in the cell, it was always dark.

"Hey," Negan heard a tiny voice at the window. He put away the book and sat up. He saw Judith crouching at the window.

"Judith… Hi," he said, he couldn't stop himself, he had to smile. This was the first time he smiled since Quinn "died". Judith smiled at him too, unsurely.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I'm sad. I'm very sad," Negan stood up and went to the window. "I am so sorry for scaring you. I was out of control."

"No problem, you didn't scare me that much," she said proudly.

"Of course, you are a fearless little warrior," said Negan smiling again. "Actually, not that little anymore. Wow, you have really grown a lot since I saw you," said Negan, truly surprised. "Are you really Judith Grimes?"

Of course, he was joking, he was so happy the little girl visited him again. Judith stood up and held up her head, to look even taller.

"I did grow a lot," she said proudly. She glanced around, to see if anyone was there because she shouldn't have been talking to Negan. She glanced back at Negan, then turned around and sat on the stairs, so it won't be obvious that she is visiting him.

She glanced over her shoulder at him.

"You miss Quinn so much?" she asked.

Negan suddenly became very serious, some kind of darkness fell on his face.

"I miss her more than anything…" he said quietly.

Judith glanced at him again.

"I miss her too."

Negan nodded his head.

"Judith? Where are you?" Michonne was looking for her. She was so cautious since Rick died, she didn't like it when she couldn't see Judith and R.J.

Judith stood up immediately. She looked at Negan.

"I hope you will be happy someday," she said and hurried back into the house.

Negan smiled faintly. He sighed, then looked up at the sky. He put his hands in his pocket and leaned against the wall, then he leaned his head against the iron bars on the window.

…

One and a half years later

Negan was just sitting most of the time, not even looking at Gabriel. But Gabriel didn't give up, he kept talking to him every week.

"You know, life is a little fragment of eternity. We should take care of ourselves and we should try to be useful, to make this world a better place."

"What's the point?" Negan interrupted him for the second time since they started doing these sessions. The first time was when he told Gabriel to get out. Gabriel was shocked to hear him talk again.

"I want to give meaning to your life," he replied.

"By talking bullshit? You can't bring back Quinn, nor Lucille… It's pointless."

"Well, I can't, but you shouldn't waste your life like this."

"I'm already wasted. Leave me alone," grumbled Negan and turned his face to the other direction. Gabriel sighed and stood up.

"I will try again next week," he said and left.

He was still surprised. This was the first time Negan really talked after two years. Gabriel considered this good, that he talked again, this is a process, this is something. He might be better.

Negan was only feeling slightly better when he was talking to Judith. She started to visit again regularly. Of course, Gabriel didn't know about it, not anyone, but she really helped Negan become human again.

One day, the little girl brought strangers to Alexandria and everyone made a huge fuss about it. Negan heard things at his window.

Then Judith sat on the stairs with a book in her hands. Negan looked curiously. She was trying to solve a math problem, but Negan told her it was stupid because she won't see an airplane, probably ever. Judith asked him about the newcomers, so Negan told her how he used to bring home stray dogs, but once a bad dog killed the others. This pissed off Judith, so she left Negan.

He was smiling widely. How easy and funny it was to piss her off. - He thought.- But Rick and Carl would be so proud of her.

He dwelled on this thought. How much she resembled Carl. She was just like him.

Negan almost felt proud. He had nothing to do with Judith, but he loved her so much like she was his own daughter and she was his only friend now. He felt happy when he could talk to Judith.

…

One week later

Negan was playing with the tennis ball, Judith gave him. Gabriel was sitting outside his cell and tried to talk sense into him, again.

Gabriel told him that he came down to help him when he had the breakdown and he wants to help him now, but Negan resisted. He teased him about Rosita and laughed at him, just to change the subject. He was almost like back to his old self, except when he was talking to Judith. It was a protective mechanism, he tried to be a bully, an alpha, to hide his own pain and weakness. He liked teasing Gabriel, this was his only fun nowadays and he usually teased him in cruel ways. But he was so different when he was talking to Judith. He teased her too, but not in a cruel way. He liked making fun of her, but she laughed too.

Eventually, he started to try to be nicer… maybe his life wasn't that meaningless after all. Maybe he should do something for the community, so Judith could benefit from it. Rick wasn't around anymore, so someone should protect the little girl.

…

Negan usually couldn't sleep, or if he did, he had nightmares. He never saw Quinn with a knife in her hand, but he kept dreaming about it, how she cut her wrist. He suddenly wakes up every time, when her blood pours out. This happened that night again. He woke up, wiped his eyes, that was when he realized, he was crying, he had tears rolling down his cheek. He sat up in his bed, put his feet down on the ground, and buried his face in his hands.

…

Rosita and Eugene went out to the radio station and Rosita got injured.

They got news from Hilltop where she was. Negan heard so many things by his window, but he missed this one. He was his usual self that day, mocking Gabriel about his eyes, but then Gabriel lost his temper and yelled at Negan to shut up. Negan knew immediately something was wrong, he became serious and asked about it.

"What happened?" asked Negan quietly, staring at his shoes like a little boy who knew he did something wrong. After a moment of silence, he looked at Gabriel. He started to sense that someone died, but then Gabriel answered him.

Gabriel told him that Rosita was at Hilltop and he couldn't go to her, because he had to watch Negan. To get it through to Negan how much of a burden he was.

"I'm sorry man, I didn't know," said Negan quietly, apologizing for the first time.

"Don't," said Gabriel. He slammed the door behind himself and stormed out of the basement. Negan made a painful, regretful face.

How can I be such an asshole? Guess I won't ever change… He thought and let out a sigh. If he would be in the same situation, he would definitely rush to Quinn. But Quinn was dead. He made a painful face again, then took some deep breaths.

He looked through the window. He hadn't seen Judith since their maths problem. He wondered where she might be. Dealing with the newcomers, I'm sure of it. Like the adults do. He smiled at this thought. Little Judith, growing up so fast.

He calmed down a little, then he grabbed his tennis ball, sat down, and started throwing it.

He felt a change in himself. Gabriel maybe had a point after all… Maybe he should really make himself useful. He just didn't know how.

…

Author's notes: Listen to "Misery loves my company" by Three Days Grace.

Thank You for reading! ❤