Negan, Alexandria

Negan was lying on his bed, throwing the tennis ball up and then catching it. Up and catch, up and catch.

"Hey," a tiny little voice came from the window. Negan smiled widely, put down the ball, and sat up.

"What's up, Jude?" he looked at the little girl and saw that something was off. She was gloomy. "What's the matter?" he asked, his smile faded away.

Judith sighed.

"I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"Mom doesn't want to let in strangers and it feels like we don't help those we love, anymore… Do we even love them?"

"Wow, you're really philosophical today," said Negan and smiled again, then he became serious. "Listen, your mom has her reasons why she is so careful. She wants to protect you and your brother."

"But why don't we help Carol and uncle Daryl?"

Negan rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. He continued in a mocking voice.

""Uncle Daryl" wants to be alone. He doesn't need help."

"Then he doesn't love us anymore, that's why he is not coming?"

"I know you miss him, but there's nothing you can do about it. Daryl will come when he wants. Maybe he is busy with something."

Judith thought about it for a while, then looked at Negan again.

"Can you tell me about uncle Daryl? Or about my dad?"

Negan's face winced. Surely she doesn't want to hear about how I beat up "uncle Daryl" and fed him dog food, while he was lying in his own vomit in a cell.

Negan cleared his throat, then looked at Judith.

"Well… Uncle Daryl was… is… a really fierce warrior. I had to lock him into a cell because I was so afraid of him. I was afraid he might ruin my kingdom."

"Your kingdom? The Sanctuary?"

"Yes. He is a really good fighter and has many skills that I don't. This can be said about your father as well."

"You don't like uncle Daryl and my dad."

"No, I don't. Sorry. They ruined my kingdom. We have some disagreements on how to live in this world."

"For example?" asked Judith and sat right by the window. She didn't care anymore if someone sees her there.

"Well… Your father thought you can all live happily in peace with pink dust and rainbows around Alexandria, and I think… thought… that we can only survive if we are in a strict line, ruled by fear."

"Dad believed in people."

"Yes, he did. I saw resources in them."

"You don't think like that anymore?"
"It's really, reeeaaaaallly hard to admit it but… maybe your dad was right. Maybe."

Judith smiled. Negan continued.

"I didn't like him because of his ideals. But I did like your brother, Carl. He was a badass, just like you."

"Really?" she smiled widely. "Why do you think that?"

"Well… - Negan remembered how Carl looked at him when he bashed Glenn and Abraham's heads… He didn't want to remember that. "He was… he was really brave. He sneaked into the Sanctuary, killed some of my men. He was fearless. A really good kid. Your father must have been really proud of him. You remind me of Carl a lot. Your dad would be proud of you too."

Judith listened to him smiling, then her smile faded away.

"So there was a war between dad and you? The Sanctuary and Alexandria?"

"Yes, there was. And your dad won. And he was right. So I rot in this cell forever. Carl wanted me to stay alive so I can see how wrong I was and your dad kept me alive for his sake."

"Can you tell me more?"

"I will, if you come back tomorrow. You'll have sword practice soon. Don't be late. Mom will be angry when she comes back," said Negan, smiling. Judith let out a sigh, she wasn't in a mood for practice.

"I'll come back tomorrow," she said and left.

Negan's smile faded away as the little girl jogged away. He remembered things he didn't want to remember. He let out a huge sigh and lay back on his bed.

…

The next day Judith appeared by the window right after breakfast.

"I want to hear more stories," she said, eager to learn about the past.

Negan walked to the window with his hands in his pockets.

"You know, I don't really like talking about it. See, I'm the villain in this story and I'm embarrassed."

"I get it. But you're not a villain. You were just mistaken."

"Well, you can put it that way. So what do you want to hear about today?"

Judith was thinking for a moment, then replied.

"I want to hear more about you. You still haven't told me what you did. Why are you in this cell?"

Negan tilted back his head, then made a facepalm.

"God… Judith. You are really giving me hell here. And so early in the morning…"

"Come on, tell me," asked the little girl again.

"You are too small, and I did… well… it's not something a kid should hear."

"You're just making me even more curious, so spit it out."

Negan was surprised by the little girl's use of language, he laughed, but then his smile slowly faded away as memories rushed through him.

"I killed two friends of your dad and mom. I wanted them to fear me, so I could rule over them. I killed their friends in front of their eyes."

Judith flinched, she didn't expect this answer. Then she got herself together, obviously, she was full of questions.

"You killed them just to make mom and dad scared?"

"And uncle Daryl and Maggie and Eugene and Carl, Rosita… a whole lot of people were there from your dad's group. I'm so sorry. I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore."

Judith was visibly confronted, she was thinking very hard, then finally she looked Negan in the eye.

"No. I think you have changed. You are not like that anymore."

"You think so?" asked Negan with a faint smile.

"I'm sure. You got out and didn't hurt anybody. And you said you regretted all."

"You're only saying that because you don't remember Glenn and Abraham. What if I killed uncle Daryl back then? What would you say?"

Judith was thinking hard again, Negan put his arms upon the iron bars of the window and leaned his forehead on his arm. He was waiting patiently for Judith's answer.

"I would probably hate you, just like mom does," she admitted. Negan straightened up and nodded.

"I thought so. The only reason you don't hate me is that you don't remember a thing from that time. You were too young.

"But… I can't hate you when you are nice to me and you are the only adult who listens to me."

"Probably I wouldn't listen if I was too busy like all the other adults. Sorry. Don't be mad at them for being busy. You'll understand someday."

Judith nodded.

"I still think you have changed, and I trust you now," she said and stood up to leave.

"I hope I won't disappoint you," said Negan smiling. Judith nodded and left. Negan went back to his bed and sat down. Only these conversations kept him alive nowadays. There wasn't a day when he didn't think about Lucille and Quinn, but he thought about them less. He tried to get over their losses and tried to focus on the present.

He wanted to get out, to be useful.

Author's notes: Listen to You've got a friend in me from Toy Story. I'm just kidding. :D Listen to "Count on me" by Bruno Mars. Not much better than Toy Story but still. Their friendship is so cute. ^-^

Okay, seriously, listen to "Breaking the habit" by Linkin Park.

Thank You for reading! ❤