A/N: Sorry this chapter' a bit late, dear readers: as Bob Cratchett would say, I was making rather merry…all week. But I hope it will be worth the wait, and here is an update to add to your New Year's festivities! And for my Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the White Sword, I am pleased to announce that that story is also being updated tonight!

Chapter Eight: Bitter Pills

"I think I know how to get him out."

Up until that moment, Madam Pomfrey had been muttering back and forth with Headmistress McGonagall about Harry's vital signs, Moody and the twins were arguing about whether the Horcrux had consciously attacked him, and Hermione and Mr. Weasley had been discussing Muggle resuscitation methods.

But as soon as the words left Harry's mouth, he had everyone's complete attention.

The Headmistress stepped past Madam Pomfrey to sit down in the bedside chair. "You sensed something?"

"Sort of," Harry said, feeling closed in with everyone staring at him. "Just as we had found a way to go after the Horcrux, that was when I stopped breathing. It hurt like it did when I tried to exorcise him before. I think it's because of…" he felt blood rushing to his face and dropped his eyes.

Remus spoke up. "Why don't we give him a little room?" The others reluctantly stepped back, and Harry found it easier to breathe.

Although, that didn't make explaining any easier. "It's just…it's complicated. I dunno if…Icantalkaboutityet."

"We're short on time, Potter," Snape said, and Harry felt his face turning redder still.

"Do you want us to leave you alone?" Hermione asked him. "I mean, we want to stay by you, but we don't have to hear anything you don't want us to."

"No," he said quickly. "No, you're okay." Then he winced. He hadn't meant to offend any of the older people in the room. "I mean…it's just not something I'm used to talking about."

Ginny came and sat on the edge of the bed next to Hermione, and Ron stood behind them. "Then you could tell us," Ginny suggested. "Just look at us instead."

Harry glanced over his shoulder at Professor McGonagall, who was standing on the other side of the bed, and she nodded. Moody and Tonks left as well, until it was only the Headmistress, Madam Pomfrey, and…Snape. Damn. It was not going to be easy, talking about this in front of him.

"Try to look at us," Ginny repeated, and Harry forced himself to turn around.

"It's…um…" he fidgeted with the blanket and stared down at it. "It's like this…you know when I've done the Seeing—both times, I mean—my soul is in this place full of people?" His friends nodded. "It's not just, you know, friends and family, it's everyone I've ever met. Even the Dursleys, the Malfoys were there too. It was dark the first time I tried the exorcism, and this time it was even darker. I thought it was the Horcrux, but…" He looked at Hermione. "You told me it wasn't." Hermione blinked. "Your—I mean the 'you' that I saw in the Seeing, you said it wasn't only the Horcrux. That it was me too."

"You? Dark?" Ron looked incredulous.

Harry shrugged. "You said something about how I was on the edge, and that I needed to end the war, and…come back."

Ron grimaced. "Sorry, I don't think I know what I meant."

Harry had to laugh at Ron's expression. "Wouldn't expect it, but…the thing is, I think I do. You all kept telling me that he—Riddle—had gone somewhere else, and that I had left too, but I couldn't see where he—or I—might've gone. Hermione, you said that…you were trying to help me see. That you'd 'always tried.' It wasn't 'til I did what you wanted that I saw the door, the way out. That's when my breathing stopped."

Hermione leaned forward. "What was it I wanted you to do?"

He met her calm gaze and swallowed hard. "To trust you. To…let you show me, instead of just searching on my own." He saw understanding in her eyes and looked at Ron and Ginny. "Like you wanted me to do in the war. Like I…should've done."

"We weren't trying to steal your glory, mate," Ron chuckled, but Harry snapped at him.

"That was NOT the reason!" Then he winced and sighed. "Sorry. It had nothing to do with…you know…fame or credit or anything stupid like that. I've had enough sodding hero stuff, enough newspapers." Hermione and Ginny gave wry smiles. "I just didn't want any of you in danger. I didn't want anyone else to get hurt."

Ron wasn't grinning anymore. "How the hell do you think WE'D have felt if you'd got hurt or got killed? You put yourself in more danger going after him alone!"

"I know!" Harry exclaimed, thumping the bed in frustration. He sighed and quieted down again. "I know that now. But I didn't then. Thought it was the right thing. And when I realized that, during the Seeing, I…I was…sorry about it." Bloody hell, his throat was getting too tight to talk. Staring down at the bedclothes, he murmured, "I never meant to cut you off. After the war, it was because of the Horcrux, I guess, but during the war…I shouldn't've done it. It was really lonely, but I thought I was protecting you. Couldn't lose anybody else."

Ginny began brushing his messy hair into place with her fingertips, one piece at a time. "You know…I bet Voldemort never felt anything like…regret. Somehow I don't think he ever apologized for anything."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. That's what I figured too."

"So now you've got another weapon," Hermione said.

"And we've got you back," added Ron.

Harry laughed, but it was a kind of shaky laugh, so Hermione put an arm around him and rested his forehead against her shoulder. From behind them, Headmistress McGonagall said gently, "Mr. Potter, you possess many things that Lord Voldemort has never had and would never wish to have, because such a creature as he cannot possibly understand their value. Not only emotions."

He didn't dare look at her, so he just nodded into Hermione's shoulder, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. "I know."

Severus spent the next few hours recording in as much detail as possible all that he had seen and heard during the Seeing. As he worked, he knew he ought to be bringing the recounting to Potter and making sure the boy didn't remember any other details.

But something stopped him.

Potter was still awake, still sitting on the bed with Granger and no less than half a dozen Weasleys (the four youngest and the parents). The group was talking, joking, obviously trying to cheer the boy, but although he smiled and sometimes laughed, even Severus could see that his heart was not in it.

Those were the last words I would have expected to hear out of Potter's mouth—father or son.

He stared down at the parchment. Experienced no physical or mental discomfort. Potter grew increasingly agitated, reporting that the manifestation did not "feel right." Appeared cold and disoriented.

Not to mention terrified nearly out of his wits, which made no sense at all.

Severus had watched that boy darting in and out of the Dark Lord's reach like a golden snidget for over seven years. There was no human being in existence who could enrage him the way Harry Potter had. Potter had barely blinked that last day when Death Eaters had forced him to his knees to be tortured. Over an hour later, the Dark Lord had offered to end it and simply kill Potter if he would kiss the hem of his robes. The boy only spat at him, and the Dark Lord had started forward to attack Potter with his bare hands.

That was when Snape had hexed him in the back. Potter had been on his feet and tackling Vincent Crabbe, Sr., to the ground, grappling for his wand, before the Death Eaters knew what had happened. While Severus and the Order members descending on the scene had taken care of the Death Eaters, Harry Potter had thrown every deadly, painful, and debilitating curse known to wizardry at the Dark Lord. When Severus looked at it later, the corpse had been nearly eviscerated.

Potter had gone through hours of torture and a mortal battle with a deranged maniac without so much as flinching. So why was a completely illusory manifestation of his soul so frightening to him?

Madam Pomfrey was shooing Potter's friends off so he (and they) could get some sleep. Severus picked up the parchment and went across the wing. "A word with Potter." The boy paused with his Dreamless Sleep Potion halfway to his lips.

"Now?" Poppy asked.

"Yes. Alone. It will not take long."

Judging by the expression on Poppy's face, Ronald Weasley wasn't the only one who had misgivings about Snape's trustworthiness around Potter. She looked at him, and Potter shrugged and put the Potion down. She slowly went away from them—but not out of the wing—and Severus settled himself in a chair beside the bed.

"I wish you to read my account of what we witnessed during the Seeing and contribute your impressions," Severus told him, handing him the parchment and quill.

Potter took them readily enough and scanned the writing, but when he lifted the quill to add to it, he shot Severus a wary look. With a snort, Severus left him alone. It didn't matter; it wasn't as if he wouldn't be able to read it when the boy was through.

Twenty minutes later, Potter came across the wing to where Severus was sitting with Poppy and handed the parchment to him, then walked away without a word. "Poor child," Poppy murmured. Severus rolled his eyes and looked down to see what the boy had written.

I noticed during the second Seeing that the people who stayed closest to me were my friends and my family. People I didn't know well or didn't get on with were there, but they were further away. The first time, none of them spoke to me directly, but sometimes I could make out a little of the voices whispering. Just my name and a word here and there. It sounded like they were encouraging me. It helped, because it made me feel like I wasn't alone.

The second time it was different. I'm not sure exactly how. They moved the same way, and I could hear them whispering, but I didn't feel connected to them like before. The darkness felt thicker, more physical, as if it was coming between them and me, and it was very cold. I felt disoriented, and I just had a sense that something was wrong, either with me or with that place. Even when I took Hermione's hand, it still felt as if I was separated from her and everyone I cared about, in some way I couldn't see.

There was something about the last Seeing that I didn't remember until this one. Toward the end of the exorcism, when I was trying to push Tom Riddle out, I thought I was going to die. I was burning from the inside out, and I didn't think I could go on any longer. The light was really bright in my eyes, and I knew they were all behind me, but I couldn't see them. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw Professor Dumbledore. I felt something, I'm not sure what, something really powerful, and that was when Riddle screamed and disappeared.

The second time I looked for him, but Dumbledore wasn't there. It must mean something, I just don't know what. I was nervous because I kept having this feeling that things were wrong because of something I'd done, rather than just the Horcrux. I don't know why. I just do.

Severus stiffened and looked at Poppy, who had been reading it over his shoulder. "I wonder what he meant by that," she murmured.

"Easy enough to find out," he replied, and headed for the boy's bed. But to his extreme irritation, Potter was already asleep and had taken his Potion. There would be no waking him up without using magic, and Severus didn't want to risk disrupting the cycle of personality shifts. It would have to wait until morning.

Tonks was sitting beside Remus on the edge of the bed next to Harry's, watching Harry and Ron engaging in an overly-intense game of wizard's chess, with Ginny and Hermione hanging on each respective boy's arm, giving advice.

"Trust me, Harry, keep the knight; give up that rook."

"I can't, that leaves the queen open!"

"Ron, take the knight!"

"Then his queen'll get my bishop."

"Potter!" All four of Harry's bed's occupants jumped as Snape strode into the room. Tonks glanced at Remus and found him watching Snape with apprehension.

Snape was carrying a scroll, which he tossed onto the chessboard in front of Harry, sending the pieces running for cover. Neither Harry nor any of the others complained. "What is the meaning of that?" Snape asked sharply.

Harry's lips thinned, and out of the corner of her eye, Tonks saw Remus wince. Snape's confrontational bearing would only provoke the same or worse from Harry. So, predictably, Harry's chin went up, and he replied without so much as glancing at the parchment. "The meaning of what?"

"Your report of yesterday's attempted Seeing contains observations that you had not shared with the rest of the Order. Explain them."

Bloody hell, what did Snape hope to accomplish? Tonks felt Remus shifting beside her, and placed a subtle, restraining hand on his. To her relief, he controlled himself. "Was there something in particular you didn't understand, Severus?"

Snape didn't so much as glance at Remus, but Harry did, so Remus rose and picked up the parchment himself, sitting back down with it beside Tonks. The two of them scanned Harry's writing beneath Snape's, and Remus finally shrugged. "It makes sense to me. Of course, we can't expect to entirely understand Harry's gut feelings and perceptions. It's his soul, after all."

"I was referring to his overly-cryptic remarks about the possibility that his own actions might have contributed to the Horcrux's advance," Snape said coldly.

Shite. Harry had been on the verge of relaxing as Remus spoke, but at Snape's words, his green eyes flashed with anger. "And I thought you were wondering about my seeing Dumbledore!"

One of the girls hissed, and Snape bared his teeth. "If indeed it was some doing of yours that has given the Horcrux a hold upon you, I am not surprised he would disappear!"

"Hey!" Ron exclaimed in outrage as Harry shot off the bed.

Despite all he'd been through over the past few days, besieged inside his own soul, Harry still possessed enormous power, and it was almost tangible now, making the air around him ripple in response to his growing anger. Tonks thought she saw Snape falter.

"What do you mean 'disappear?'" Harry said in a low voice that made Ron, Hermione, and Ginny look panicked. With rising volume, Harry went in for the kill. "Maybe you've forgotten, but some murdering bastard threw him off the Astronomy Tower with the Killing Curse!"

Snape let out an inarticulate snarl of rage and advanced, raising his arm to backhand Harry; Hermione screamed, "NO!" and Harry instinctively stepped backward only to fall over his own feet. Then Ron was lunging for Snape, roaring, "You son of a bitch!" and Remus wasn't far behind, shouting, "Keep your hands off him!"

"Remus, no!"

"Both of you, stop it!"

"Get the hell away from me!" Harry shouted at Snape, pulling himself to his feet.

"Considering that your life is currently in my hands," Snape growled, "you had best learn some respect!"

"I only give respect to people who deserve it, and I don't bloody care whether my life's in your hands or not!" Harry shot back.

Snape's lip curled in a malicious sneer. "Fine, then I will leave you to expel that less self-deceiving version of yourself on your own!"

"Shut UP!" Ron screamed at him, as both Ginny and Hermione held him back.

Shaking with rage, Harry spat, "You're a fine one to talk about self-deception! You know you only helped me because you thought it would end your debt to Dumbledore! You actually think you'll redeem yourself this way? That people will think you're good?"

"Better than a spoiled, pampered brat who uses his public adoration to get away with murder!"

"Harry, no!" Hermione let Ron go and lunged for Harry, dragging him back to the bed, but Harry wasn't done.

"YOU'RE the one trying to get away with murder! Give it up!" he cried. "Everyone knows what you are: self-serving no matter what! You switch sides, back and forth, to whichever one is winning! Well, you're not fooling anyone!"

White-faced, his teeth clenched, Snape ground out, "Very well, Potter. Then I will cease inflicting my intolerable self upon your sainted presence!" He spun on his heel and stalked away, but Harry shouted after him.

"Good! You only wanted to help me to save your own precious skin, just like when you killed Dumbledore, you BLOODY, PATHETIC COWARD!"

Breathing heavily, Snape half-turned to look back at Harry. "For all I care, you and your 'soul' can rot." He stalked out of the hospital wing, and the door boomed closed behind him.

Also breathing heavily, Tonks turned helplessly to Remus, seeing him gazing at Harry with despair in his eyes. Harry was sitting on the edge of the bed, his arms wrapped around his knees, green eyes still bright with anger—and hurt. Ron was beside him, still fuming, and Hermione had an arm around Harry, resting her head on his shoulder. Ginny was kneeling behind the trio, gazing after Snape with an unreadable expression.

Minerva and Moody arrived a few minutes later, demanding to know what had happened. Harry looked alternately sulky and remorseful as Remus explained, and Ron burst out, "It wasn't Harry's fault! That git came storming in all bent out of shape over the Seeing, accusing him of being dark or something!"

"Ron, shh!" Hermione whispered, not letting go of Harry but grabbing Ron's arm with her free hand.

"He did seem rather unbalanced by Harry's report," Remus told them.

Minerva took the parchment and read it. Her expression was blank as she went calmly past them and sat on the bed beside Harry's. "What happened, Mr. Potter?"

Harry closed his eyes and sighed. "He was upset about what I wrote—about how I had the feeling that part of the darkness was something about me?" Minerva nodded. "Then he said I was just like Voldemort—or he was like me, I guess."

"Bastard," Ron muttered. Hermione elbowed him in the ribs.

"I don't know!" Harry exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "He just came in here and started on me like I'd done something wrong! I've no idea what set him off. And…I…gotmadback," he mumbled.

Minerva closed her eyes for a moment, then looked up at Tonks, Remus, and Moody. Mad-Eye's face was very grim. Minerva said quietly, "We now have a serious problem, Harry. Severus Snape was by far the most qualified to assist in expelling the Horcrux fragment."

"I know," he muttered. Then he looked her in the eye and said tightly, "But he was doing it to save himself, not me. I dunno if we could ever trust him."

"I thought we could," Remus said. "What I can't understand is why Harry's report had him so upset."

Ginny tilted her head. "Maybe it reminded him of something."

Severus generally preferred not to mark his comings and goings with noise, but his fury could not be vented even with gratuitous slamming of every door he passed through and the echoes of his hard steps on the stone floors.

Enough was enough. Groping around in Harry bloody Potter's mind day after day, wrestling the Dark Lord's residual dark personality apart from the equally-distasteful pure-Potter. Enduring the self-righteous condescension of Lupin and Minerva, the blatant suspicion of the Weasleys, and the ungrateful insolence of the brat himself.

Enough. Let them stew in their own juices. He would take his freedom of the tired obligations of so-called penance.

"Professor!"

At the sound of the Weasley girl's voice behind him, he cursed silently and walked faster. But the girl ran to catch up. "Professor, wait!" She scampered in front of him, forcing him to pause. "Please."

To his surprise, she did not beg, but her level gaze and low voice had a greater effect on him than pathetic begging would have anyway. So he neither hexed her nor shouted her down. "Save your breath, Miss Weasley," he said curtly.

Of course, she didn't. "Harry was wrong about what he said. Everyone knows that. But we're all afraid, and…it makes people irrational." He moved to stalk around her, but she stepped again into his path. "Sir, please don't leave. We need you."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "'We?' Not Potter?"

"He does too. But we all do; no one understands that better than you."

"So you merely want me to stay because you don't want to lose your precious Potter," he sneered. She didn't reply. "I have had my fill of trying to save that brat from the situations his stupidity puts him into. It is time he learned to save himself."

The girl pursed her lips, but again blocked his escape. She lowered her voice still more. 'I know that's not the only reason, sir."

"Really? Astonish me," he snorted. Presumptuous little chit.

"I blamed myself too," she said. "When he roped me in, I was sure it was my fault. I understand."

Severus bared his teeth and advanced on her. "Let me assure you, little girl. You understand nothing."

She wavered, but did not step aside. "Yes, I do," she croaked. "He fooled so many people into following him, and always the same way." Severus stared at her as she pressed on. "Everyone who…he fooled, we were all looking for something. Once he knew what that was, he could offer it to us."

He nearly laughed aloud. "You imagine that you and I were seeking the same thing?"

"No," she replied. "I don't know what you were looking for; it doesn't matter that they were different things. He offered us whatever we wanted. I wanted a…a friend. Some people wanted respect, other people…wealth, and—"

"Enough!," he shouted. "You are a stupid and naïve child, to presume to understand what led Death Eaters to his service. They are neither a source of understanding or pity from any! Now get out of my way!"

He shoved past her, but she went after him. "Then what was it about Harry's report that scared you?"

That startled him, and he turned around. "Scared me?"

The girl gulped, but nodded. "It wasn't only Harry being irrational and rude back there. His report bothered you." Her gaze was hard, burning his eyes. "Why? Was it because you recognized yourself in what Harry was feeling?"

With a disgusted bark of laughter, Severus turned to go, but the girl's next words halted him.

"Or was it because you were afraid he would recognize you?" Severus slowly turned around. She lifted her chin in a manner not unlike Potter did when the boy was being obstinate. "You know that I understand. Does it bother you that now Harry might? Do you really hate him that much?"

Without answering, he turned away and resumed walking.

She called after him. "Harry thinks you're a murderer! Are you?"

Severus sneered over his shoulder at her, but did not slow down. "In more ways than you can possibly realize."

As for Potter, that infuriating, spoiled, arrogant, selfish little brat was right. He had been deceiving himself without deceiving anyone else. He would not be able to buy his way back into the favor of decent men even if he did manage to save the boy. Nor would it remove the stain of Dumbledore's blood from his hands.

There was no point to carrying on with it. He had been and would always be a monster, irreversibly tainted by the darkness he had chosen. It was no longer worth staying here and pretending to be anything else.

He strode out into the entrance hall, making for the main doors and leaving Ginevra Weasley gazing after him in dismay.

To be continued…

Coming Soon: If the Order, Ginny, and Headmistress McGonagall can't stop Severus from abandoning them (and Harry) who can? And what exactly was it that unsettled Severus so much about Harry's experience during the Seeing? Answers on the way in Chapter Nine: Soul.

PLEASE don't forget to review! And a safe and happy New Year to all!