She kicked up her feet and took a long swig of her beer, wishing it was something a bit harder considering the rough few weeks she'd just had. There'd be time for that. There always was, especially after a particularly hard mission. She was running thin on patience though, letting her head fall back and eyes trace the cracks on the ceiling. Lee walked in and dropped his helmet off to the side, cracking open a beer.
"Merry Christmas," she called, hardly stirring from her spot, "look what the grinch dragged in." Her hair was tied back, braided along the top until it met the rest in the ponytail. It was a bit of a strawberry blonde, slightly darker at the roots. It brought out the flush in her cheeks from the alcohol.
Lee snorted and took a sip of his beer, pointing over to her while the rest of the guys glanced up at him. "This kid, huh? Always got something to say."
She really hated being called a kid. He had other names for her- and she also had a real name- but she could tell he was already a little bit drunk and distant. Regardless, she wasn't terribly younger than the rest of them, and despite her age, she matched them in skill. That's really all that mattered when it came to the Job.
"I got a big mouth," she grumbled, squinting as she imagined shapes out of the cracks on the ceiling, "can't help how I speak when I'm always surrounded by these idiots."
Gunner chuckled and tapped Caesar, laughing at her joke. She was right, and they knew it.
Lee pulled up a chair beside her and squinted, looking up at the ceiling. "What're you, seeing stars?"
"You riding drunk, Lee? I thought that was Gunner's little quirk."
"Nah, I ain't drunk. I'm happy," he said, looking around the room at the guys and their empty bottles of beer.
She let her feet hit the ground and sat up, turning her attention to him. She was used to the little spinning feeling that would whirl around her chest for a second whenever she saw him. It'd been there since the first time she met him, and she had found some sort of joy in feeling it. It was a connection, and like Barney would say, most of the guys were pitch black on the inside.
At first, it was kind of a joke. She was young, fresh blood, and Christmas was the charmer of the bunch. She'd blush when he'd talk, avoid eye contact, the whole thing. Then there was that whole situation where Barney sent her to deal with something solo, and she'd managed to stay away an entire year. She thought about them all, including Lee, an awful lot while she was out there. But she'd seen a lot of shit and it had messed with her head. When she eventually came back, they were expecting that yappy, lovesick little puppy; they got something different. She had black holes where her pupils had been, and it didn't take them long to look in and see that there was a significant lack of anything there.
"Oh yeah? Why're you happy, Christmas?" Barney asked, sitting back with a chuckle.
He smiled and looked down between his feet. He'd always worn his heart on his sleeve and never shied away from emotions. She respected that about him- the rest of the gang took too much pride in being broken people. She took another sip of her beer and waited patiently.
"I'm engaged," he said with one of those Lee Christmas smiles, and she choked on the beer as she swallowed it. Gunner laughed at her, pointing as she doubled over and tried to catch her breath. Lee frowned, but Barney kept his attention on him.
"To Lacy," Barney said, glancing around the room, "like, the same Lacy."
"Yeah, of course," Lee said, furrowing his brows, "there's only one. What's the deal?"
Barney shrugged, "she did you dirty once, man. That's all I'm gonna say."
She sat back up and shook her head, her cheeks flushed from a combination of the choking and the disbelief and the beer. She tried not to make a big deal, but Lee had already turned back to her.
"And what's your issue, huh, Dusty?"
Dusty. That was a nickname he tended to prefer these days, something that came about in a half-drunken conversation about where she had been the year she wasn't with them. She tried to explain how she felt through metaphor: she had stuff in her head, but anything that wasn't necessary for survival was tucked away on some high shelves, collecting dust and rotting away, where she would let it stay.
"Me? I don't-"
She stopped. She couldn't lie to him. He watched her carefully, and she knew he was too good at what he did to not spot a blatant lie. Of course she knew; he'd helped to train her.
"I don't like her. She's got a taste of the outside world, and shit, if that isn't an addicting thing. I think you're making a mistake."
The group grew silent. She knew they were all thinking it, but nobody would grow the balls to actually say it. Maybe it was because she was a little buzzed, or maybe because she had lost all sense of decency, but she just kept going.
"She made her decision, Christmas. You're gonna feel it all again, and it'll hit you hard, but this time you won't just be able to ride away. There'll be a marriage, and like, all that shit."
Barney looked between them both, a bit entertained but still worried about where it was all going. A moment passed and nobody was really sure what to say.
"Anybody want any vodka?" She asked, standing up from her chair and picking up her empty beer bottles, "I need something better than this beer." Her voice cut through the heavy silence, but it didn't seem to be enough to completely switch the mood.
The guys shrugged and Lee just watched her. His face was twisted into that look he got when he was angry and festering. It didn't take long for the rest of the guys to find their way into another conversation, but Lee was too distracted to join in. He stood and met her by the bar as she poured herself a shot of vodka and downed it.
"Hey," he said.
"Want any?" She asked, pouring the second shot.
"No," he said, "turn around."
She turned, downing the second shot and cringing against the sour taste. She put the shot glass down and looked up at him, waiting, expectant.
"She isn't like that," he said. "It happened once, I dealt with it."
She sighed. "Okay," she said, patting his chest, "I know I was a bit forward over there. I'm trying to be a friend. I want what's best for you, and you don't like to listen to the sugarcoated shit. I don't wanna see you hurt."
He rolled his head back on his shoulders. She could tell he was annoyed. For a second, she felt a flash of guilt, but she pushed it away in favor of honesty.
"Lee," she tried again, "I'm being honest. The trust is never gonna be the same as it was. It's just-"
"I don't think you're worried about me getting hurt," he snapped, his eyes going cold and dark, shadows playing on his face, "I think you're worried about yourself. I won't be there to feed into your little crush anymore. It was fun when you were a bit younger, but it's getting old now."
She looked up at him, words escaping her. She really hadn't thought about herself, because Lacy was trouble for Lee and everyone knew it. Maybe a part of him was right, but it was more complicated than that and she was suddenly very, very angry. She fought tooth and nail to not be considered just some young girl, but it was always the default when things got tough.
His eyes softened a little when he saw her open her mouth and fail to speak. It hadn't happened to her many times before, but the anger was holding her breath hostage.
"I-" she tried, leaning back against the bar, away from him, some empty cups clanking when she bumped into it, "I'm genuinely trying to be your friend here."
He stepped back and rolled his neck with a shrug. "Then be happy for me."
She looked him over. She debated spilling the rest of the vodka on his shirt but that'd be a waste of some good vodka and the perfect opportunity to get shit drunk and forget everything that just happened. She grabbed the bottle and walked to his side, patting his chest a few times as she paused, avoiding his face.
"Fine," she said. "I'm happy you're an idiot."
He didn't respond, but the rest of the guys fell quiet again as she grabbed her helmet and pushed it down over her head, the half empty bottle of vodka tucked under her arm. She pulled her keys out of her pocket and hopped on her bike, hoping the vodka didn't hit too long before she was home.
The guys heard her start up the bike and drive away, nervously looking over to Lee by the bar, who was looking down and shaking his head. None of them wanted to say anything because they knew she was right, but they also knew that he wasn't fully wrong, either.
Regardless, the entire thing was too much to deal with for the first night back after an exhausting mission across the world. They all went back to drinking, including Lee, who continued to brush off her anger as just jealousy.