Some songs for this story:
The Archer by Taylor Swift
Listen Before I go by Billie Eilish
House of the Rising Sun by The Animals
Barney landed the plane a few hours later. Lee was resting with her draped across his lap, his head tilted back and leaning on the wall behind him. She was fast asleep, almost as if her mind had to be reset after the episode she had in Russia. She was bloodied, bruised, and still clad in her thick tactical gear. Still, as he held her over his legs, his fingers mindlessly stroking whichever parts of her they could reach, he thought that she seemed small.
"What's the plan?" Barney asked, motioning down to her in his lap. She stirred a little, letting out a little sigh as she settled back against him, fingers tightening slightly on his clothes.
"Just let her sleep," Lee said, his voice low. He glanced down at her and shook his head. "I'll bring her home and put her to bed."
Barney looked down at him for a moment, debating in his mind if this was what he wanted to do. He didn't want to hear anything from her father, but he figured word would travel fast about a mercenary having a traumatic episode in Russia and killing an entire compound of ex-human traffickers. He sighed.
"Gunner," he said, turning to the side and motioning to the big man, who watched carefully from a distance. "Help us out here. Pick her up and put her in my truck."
Gunner grunted and crouched in front of Lee, letting her fall against his chest before he stood. Lee felt the cold settle over him at her absence and cracked his neck. He looked up at Barney.
She groaned and shifted in Gunner's arms as he carried her from the plane. It was humid out, the sun providing less warmth than the moisture in the air.
"Gun?" She asked gently, still half asleep.
"Bringing you home," he said lowly, carefully making his way from the plane. "It's alright. We're home."
She hummed pleasantly and felt her mind pull her back towards sleep. Gunner tightened his grip around her ever so slightly, thinking back to when he first met her. He thought she was beautiful, a bit in over her head, and so profoundly shiny and new. He couldn't help but feel like the team had failed her by letting her get dull.
Barney held out a hand and Lee took it, stretching out as he stood.
"This was... a mess," he sighed, looking to Lee for some sort of comfort.
"She'll be okay," Lee said, more to himself than to Barney. "He's dead now, anyway."
"You think this is my fault?" Barney asked, showing a side of himself that he tended to save just for Lee, his second in command.
Lee looked down for a second and drew in a breath. It would be easy for him to blame it all on Barney for sending her on that mission away, but he knew it wasn't true.
"Nah," he said finally, looking back up at him. "I think it's all of us. You, me, everyone. We were so focused on keeping her the way she was that we didn't give her the room to live up to her potential, so she... went and did it herself. And now here we are."
Barney pressed his lips together and nodded. He agreed that they had coddled her slightly, always getting angry when she'd do something risky instead of offering her their experience. He knew that out of all of them, Lee was the most guilty of that.
"I mean," Lee hurried, closing a hand over the back of his neck, "we can't change the past. What are we gonna do?"
"Make sure it doesn't happen again," Barney said, his eyes boring into Lee's. They both knew that they weren't just talking about in the field, but at home, too. If things between Lee and Dusty went south, Barney expected that she'd head out again, despite the dog tag and ink that tied her to them. He had confidence in her ability to stay alive, but not to stay out of trouble. The problem with her was that she had a knack for standing up for people, and in this line of work, that was enough to get anyone killed around the wrong people. It had almost happened once, he was sure now, when she was on that mission alone.
Lee nodded and dropped his hand back to his side. "Of course," he said, trying hide his offense. "But she's a grown woman. I think she has to make these decisions for herself."
"Of course," Barney agreed with a sigh, moving to leave the plane. "I'm just saying. If she's here, and she's good, we can be there for her. If she leaves..."
Lee put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Don't get ahead of yourself. Just let me take her home. I'll call you and let you know how she is when she wakes up."
Barney grunted, grabbing his keys while Lee met Gunner by the truck, where he was tucking her into the center of the front seat. She looked peaceful, asleep there, even in all of her gear.
"I got it, Gunnar," Lee said, stopping beside him.
Gunner turned to him and pressed his lips together, shaking out his sweaty, blonde hair. "Lee," Gunner said, taking Lee by surprise.
"Yeah?"
"What was that about, on the plane?"
Lee swallowed and looked back to her. "Since, uh... since everything went south with Lacy, she's been there for me. More than I deserve."
Gunner shrugged. "It's your turn now."
Lee nodded, grunting as Gunner slapped him a bit hard on the back. She was fast asleep, her mouth hanging open slightly. He hoped she was having a good dream, something to distract her from all of Russia and before.
He knew what Barney said was true. He didn't deserve her. Didn't feel that way, at least. He had treated her poorly, ignored his feelings for her and turned to humor instead, brushing everything off as a flirtatious joke or comment. Every time she'd near him, at home or on a mission, he'd find himself caught with a tremble in his hands. He climbed into the truck next to her and let her sink against his shoulder, looking out the windshield while he waited for Barney.
Even after everything, when he had gone through the worst of it with Lacy, she had been there for him. Somehow she had just known what that meant, and had given him exactly what he didn't know he needed. A place to be quiet, safe, and alone. A person to sit with on the phone when he was alone in his apartment, wishing to sleep next to Lacy and so incredibly angry at the thought of another man putting his hands on her. He didn't know what she needed, and he didn't know if he could give it to her, but if anything, he felt too guilty not to at least try.
Barney pulled himself into the driver's seat and she was wedged between the both of them as he started up the truck.
"Still asleep?" Barney asked.
Lee nodded with a hum, shifting closer to the door so she could fall more against him instead of Barney.
"What is it, Lee?" Barney asked.
Lee glanced at him and then down to her and then back to the road ahead.
"Nothing," he said. "Just thinking."
—-
He ran his hands over his face and sighed, standing with a bag packed at his feet near the door. She was crying.
"Is there somebody else?"
Lee groaned and rolled his eyes, his temper wearing thin. "Oh, you're one to talk, huh?"
"Come on, just, please, tell me- don't I at least deserve that?"
She was crying, her makeup a mess in trails down her face, her hair thrown around in different directions. Lee let his head hang and bit back his tongue, wanting for a second to say something just to hurt her.
"So what if there is? After all of this, after everything you did, would it even matter?"
Lacy held her breath for a second, letting another tear escape and burn in her eye. "Of course is matters, Lee. I fucked up, but I love you, and I think you at least owe me-"
Lee snapped his head up, pushing out his lower jaw and snarling. "You don't get to say a damn thing about what I owe you. When you're in a relationship, Lace, you owe the other person commitment. Trust. Love-"
"Lee, I love you-"
"Let me fucking talk!"
They stood and stared at each other for a minute, and Lee's heart was pounding out of his chest. He sighed.
"I don't owe you anything. The first time this happened, with that asshole- maybe, okay, maybe we could move on from that. We hadn't set boundaries. I was gone a long time, didn't reach out. He hurt you. Okay, there were circumstances there. But this time? With that other guy? And lord knows how many other-"
"There wasn't-" she started, but Lee's glare made her stop and bite her lip. She pulled at her sleeves, wearing only a baggy sweater, shorts, and nothing else. She was used to distracting Lee with her body, but it wasn't working today. It wouldn't.
"The point is, Lace... I'm done. I deserve more, as a human being. I deserve somebody who understands, who won't bring another man into my bed, the bed we share, and fuck him like I won't be coming home to sleep in it afterwards."
Lacy's mouth fell open and she wasn't sure what to say. Lee let out a breath and reached for his bag.
"I was drunk, I-"
"I don't care, Lace. Even shit-faced, the only person I'd wanna-" he paused, trying to collect himself. He felt stupid for wanting to cry over walking out, but it was so damn hard to turn his back on her. "The point is, it happened. I'm worth more, I want more. So I'm- I'm leaving."
Lacy took a step towards him as he turned to go, sadness bubbling into tears. "It's that stupid kid, isn't Lee? Isn't it!?"
Lee stopped suddenly, face running pale. He looked at the door in front of him, Lacy's face mirrored in the window.
"When she left, you were fucking miserable-"
Lee dropped his bag and turned back to her, pointing a finger at her face. "When she left, we were getting our shit together- if I recall correctly, we pretty much spent every second between the sheets-"
"Don't you think the reason I wanted that other guy so bad was because the moment- the second- she got back, all of that stopped? And don't pretend it didn't start because you were angry, or depressed, or whatever the fuck. You didn't know how to deal with your feelings about her walking away from you-"
"Don't turn this around on me. At least I didn't fucking sleep with her."
"That's the thing, Lee," she hissed, getting up in his face. "You didn't have to. You didn't fucking have to. At least with this other guy, there were no feelings. Just sex. Just instinct. But with her? It's worse, because you felt for her. You feel for her. You don't have to fuck somebody to cheat."
Lee shook his head and squeezed his hands into fists, shaking.
"Nothing ever happened between me and her," he said. "She's part of the team. It wouldn't- it can't happen. I'm not walking out on you to go to her. I'm-"
"You keep telling yourself that, Lee Christmas," she spat, her voice reaching a new high. "But every step you take away from me, you're another step closer to falling into her arms. What does she have that I don't, huh?"
Lee laughed out loud, throwing his head back. He turned and reached for his bag again, but she tugged at his shirt.
"Tell me, Lee!"
"A conscience, for starters."
Lacy drew in a sharp breath and sat back on her hips, hurt by his words. He felt bad for a second, but he shoved the guilt down as far as it would go.
"I wouldn't be standing here right now if I didn't feel bad, Lee."
He put his hand on the door knob and dropped his head.
"We're not meant to be, Lace. If- if love were enough, then maybe."
"What does that mean?" She asked, finally calmed again.
"If love were enough, I would stay here until my dying breath. But it isn't. Love isn't enough to put yourself through the shit for somebody. Love isn't a good enough reason to stay."
She hesitated, running her hand up his back as he stood frozen at the door. "So, you're saying... you still love me."
Lee shrugged her off and turned the knob, stepping out into the darkness. There was a breeze, a cold front coming on. He glanced back her, clad in her bulky sweater and shorts, face and hair a disaster from her tears.
"Not as much as I thought I did."
Her mouth fell open and he closed the door shut behind him, walking out to his bike. He pulled the helmet on and climbed on, glancing back at the house. He could see her still standing there, watching him go, crying. He bit his lip and looked down as he started up his bike, but he couldn't help it. Lee started to cry. And once he started, he realized he couldn't stop.
When he got back to his apartment he threw his helmet to the ground as hard as he could, tears trailing down his face. He drew in a few sharp, quick breaths, and yelled out, furious and sad and hurt all at once. His first instinct was to get back on his bike and show up at Amelia's door, knock a few times, and wait until she pulled it open. She'd probably be in pajamas, a glass of wine on her coffee table, late night TV lighting up the room with dim, blue light. She'd let him in. She wouldn't make any move towards him, might not even say anything. Maybe she'd hug him, hold him, let him rest on her while he wallowed in his misery.
But he didn't want Lacy to be right. He didn't want his first move free from her to be towards Amelia. He figured it wouldn't be fair to anybody for her to be right. But god, he knew she was. All he wanted was to breathe Amelia in.
Instead, he dropped himself against his door, his leather jacket sticking to it as he slid to the ground. He pulled out his phone and scrolled to her number, saved to speed-dial like the rest of the team. Dusty, he had labeled it. Cradled between Caesar and Gunnar, numbers he had for so much longer and hardly ever used.
After a few rings she answered, and he felt his heart catch.
"Lee?" She said. Her voice was sweet, dripping from the phone like honey. Fuck, if he didn't love the sound of it.
He opened his mouth to speak, but he realized he had no idea what to say. That, and he felt like if he tried to say anything, he'd just let out a muffled sob and sound like an idiot. Then she'd try and rush over, and that would ruin the whole point of calling.
Instead, he just let out a heavy, long, shaky sigh.
She was quiet for a minute. She didn't want to say anything to upset him, so she just clicked him onto speaker and he heard her shuffle the phone around. It was quiet where she was, which he hadn't expected.
"I'm here," she said.
He just held the phone to his ear for god knows how long, listening to the white-noise sound of her breathing. In... out. In... out.
Before he even knew it, he was starting to doze off.
—-
Lee climbed out of the car and Barney helped him shift Amelia to the door. She stirred slightly, but fell limp in his arms. He bounced her a little to get a better grip.
"Need any help?" Barney asked, raising an eyebrow as he watched.
"Nah, I got it. See ya later, Barney."
Barney waved and Lee bumped the door closed so he could take off. Without anything else to do, he made for her apartment, carrying her in his arms. He awkwardly shuffled to unlock the door, shoving it open with his back first. He made his way to her bedroom in the quiet light, placing her on the bed and stretching out his arms. He bent down and kissed her forehead, taking a second to breathe in the smell of her hair. It was his favorite place to kiss, which he had realized on that drunken night.
He clicked on the bedside lamp and she groaned, turning over in the bed.
"Come on, Dusty," he said, placing his big hand on her arm and giving her a shake. "Let's at least get you out of this messy gear, and then you can sleep for the rest of the week if you need to."
She peeled open her eyes to a squint, confused.
"What-" she tried, shaking off her exhaustion. "How-"
"It's okay," he said, stroking her arm. "Come on, you've gotta be hot as hell in all these clothes."
She started to sit up but winced, tugging her hand into her waist. Lee searched her face, concerned.
"What is it?" He asked, immediately flashing back to that Godforsaken mission in the jungle when she'd gotten stabbed, when he saw his own knife slicked in her blood. It had done a number on him.
"Hurts," she muttered, a pounding headache making itself known.
"Come on, let's take the gear off and I'll check you over," he said, helping her up.
"Lee Christmas just wants to get me out of my clothes," she teased with a struggled laugh, sitting up on the end of her bed.
Lee chuckled, relieved to hear her joking and not crying out, screaming and yelling about what had happened on her secret year away.
"Whatever you say," he said with a smirk, standing up in front of her and reaching to undo her heavy jacket. He tossed it to the side, going in on her vest next, revealing a bullet that had pierced it under her arm. He held it up with a frown.
"Oh," she said, uncertain, "whoops?"
He sighed, dropping it to the floor with a clatter. He took her shirt in his hands and pulled it up over her head, revealing her sunken in abdomen covered in heavy, dark bruises. He knelt down to undo her boots.
"What're you doing, Lee?" She asked, watching as he worked to pull the laces out.
"I'm helping you. Don't you remember what happened?"
She thought back to Russia, her last solid memory being the explosion. It got blurry after that. She shrugged.
"Something with the explosion?"
He looked up at her, unsure what to say. "Sure," he said eventually, pulling her boots off. "Something with the explosion."
She sighed and closed her eyes.
He pulled off her socks and then reached up to unbutton her pants, motioning for her to lift herself up so he could pull them off, too. She did, and he let them sag to the floor with everything else. He ran his hands over her knees, kind of bony, her skin warm to his touch. He rubbed them a little before slowly dragging his hands up her thighs and pushing them gingerly apart so he could kneel in front of her and look over the bruises covering her abdomen.
"Hm," he said, gently running his fingers over them. She winced.
"Ouch," she said, opening her eyes and looking down at him. "You know, you still haven't taken me to dinner."
"Come on," he said softly, concerned. "Don't make jokes. I'm worried you're hurt worse than it looks."
She frowned, "you worry too much, Lee."
"I don't worry enough," he retorted, lifting an eyebrow at her. "Looks like maybe your ribs are broken."
"Oh, darn," she said. "Again?"
He shook his head, carefully palpating the skin around the bruises and she bit her tongue.
"Maybe an ice bath," he said, sitting back on his heels and looking up at her. "It's all pretty swollen."
"No," she groaned, reaching out for him. He took her hands in his. "I'm tired, Lee."
"You're dirty, is what you are," he said. "Come on. To the bathroom."
"But-" she tried, too sore to fight against him as he pulled her up. "It'll be too cold, and I'm tired."
"Now, now," he joked, closing his hand around the scar on her waist, running his fingers over it. "Fine. A warm bath. How's that?"
"You gonna bathe me?" She laughed, stepping in time with him as he lead her to the bathroom.
"Unless you want me to go."
She furrowed her brows and looked up at him. He chuckled.
"That's what I thought," he said. "Here, sit down."
He sat her on the closed toilet and reached over to run the bath, letting the water run over his hands for a minute. She reached out to stroke his arm, notching the dried up blood on her knuckles.
"Huh," she said, inspecting her hands. "That didn't come from an explosion, did it?"
He looked over at her and sighed. "No," he said. "Maybe it'll come back to you in the morning. You've been asleep for a while."
She turned her attention back to him and nodded, running her hand along his back. "You know," she said, leaning into him. "You could stay the night."
He shook his head with a laugh. "I didn't much wanna leave you here by yourself, so thanks."
She planted a kiss to his shoulder and sighed, closing her eyes. "You wanna come in the bath too?"
He mixed some soap into the water and turned to her. "Let's get you cleaned up first," he said. "Come on, go in."
She leaned on him for a moment longer, studying his face. "Lee," she said, more seriously. "What is it?"
He stood up and lifted her with him, running his hand down the side of her face, over her hair. "I'm tired, too. Come on, the faster we finish, the faster you can go to bed."
"Can I-" she tried, shifting in front of him. "Can I have a kiss?"
He smiled, leaning his forehead against hers before he let his lips sink against her own. He held himself there for a long minute, relishing in her presence and taste. She smiled, pulling away to look up at him before she pulled the rest of her clothes off and climbed into the tub, sitting under the thin film of bubbles. He sat down next to her, gently running the warm water over her back.