Quinn, on the road

I only grabbed a backpack with some clothes, a blanket, and food in it. I had two bottles of water as well. I was walking silently, watching out for danger. Alexandrians were heading to the tower. People were talking quietly to one another, but everyone kept a low profile, so we wouldn't attract attention. Daryl was walking beside us at the edge of the road, to look out for whisperers. A couple of fighters did the same. Negan was walking right next to me, silently. We didn't talk about Alpha anymore. I wanted to forget about the whole thing.

Carol was walking holding hands with RJ and Gracie, Judith walking beside RJ. Right behind them Henry and Lydia, holding hands too. Now Carol became a babysitter. She glanced at Daryl from time to time. It pained me to see her struggle, but this time, it was really not a good time to think about romance. I was walking with Negan several meters behind them. I saw Lydia as she glanced at Negan. She looked weary, her eyes all dark and full of hatred. I was sure they told her what happened to her mother. She glanced at Negan with the same hatred in her eyes that almost everyone in Alexandria had for him. I glanced at him too. He noticed how Lydia looked at him and it was a knife in his heart, I could tell by the face he was making.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly. He glanced at me and nodded.

"Yeah. Sure."

We kept on walking. He didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to push him, so I didn't say anything. I wanted to give him time. To digest what happened. I needed it too.

I also had a pounding headache. It was the dumbest thing to get drunk with Carol last night. We both messed up because of it. We promised we will never get drunk again. My eyes met with Daryl's for a moment. Then my eyes fell on Gracie. Aaron, Jesus, and Alden stayed behind at Alexandria, to alert us if Beta arrives. Henry was trying to comfort Lydia, but she was really upset. I glanced at Negan once more. Should I take his hand? Would it make him feel better? Or should I leave him alone?

I decided to let him be. Why would it make him feel better?

We were approaching the tower anyway, so I snapped out of my thoughts. Gabriel opened the doors, leading the way. We entered the building. It was stinking really badly, but it was safe, at least for now. We headed upstairs. I found an almost clear spot, I mean, cleaner than the rest, so I put my backpack there. It was a tiny room, it even had a door on it. Negan put his pack next to mine. I saw him glancing at Lydia. He was really hurt. He felt guilty. I felt the urge to do something, to try to comfort him, but I had no idea how. I stepped to the door and slowly closed it, but not entirely, I was afraid it might get stuck, because it was old and rusty. We heard people talking outside. Negan looked wearier by the moment. I couldn't stand it anymore, to see him like this. I stepped to him and slowly took his hand. I squeezed it a little. He looked at our hands, then looked away and started crying. It broke my heart to see him like this.

"Shhh. It's okay," I said quietly and hugged him. He buried his face in my shoulder, he was sobbing like that for a while.

"I murdered the mother of that child," he said quietly, his voice cracking. He was shaking badly. I embraced him stronger. I was stroking the back of his neck and his back.

"She was a threat to all of us, even to Lydia. She was beating her. Lydia will be better without her. Don't torture yourself," I said. His breathing started to become normal again, but he stayed in my arms anyway. After a couple of minutes, he stepped away from me and wiped his eyes. He turned his back on me, then he put his right arm on the window, and rested his forehead against it while looking outside. I felt like I should give him space. So I did. I left the room. When I got outside, I let out a huge sigh. I went looking for Carol but saw her nowhere. I saw Gracie with RJ.

"Hey, Gracie. Have you seen Carol?" I asked her. She nodded.

"She went out with Kelly, to help Luke with something."

"Thank You, sweetie," I said. Carol went out with Kelly… They must be talking about Connie. Carol will be all emotional too when she comes back. I let out a sigh once again. Everyone was setting up their things, arranging backpacks, hugging each other. Suddenly Henry stepped to me, he took me completely off guard.

"Quinn, can I talk to you for a moment?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. I saw Judith approaching Lydia as I walked away with Henry.

"I told Lydia what happened…" he said. I turned to him and looked him in the eye.

"Yeah, I noticed. She is staring at Negan with hatred," I said. "Just like everyone else does."

"I'm sorry, but she had to know."

"You did the right thing, it's okay. It's just… Negan likes Lydia and it hurts him, that she hates him now."

"Yeah, I get it."

"I know you hate him too. I won't ask you to talk to Lydia or anything. Maybe time will make it better."

"Of course. Thank you for being so understanding," he said genuinely. "It must be hard for you too. You are the only one who loves him here."

This thought struck me like a lightning bolt. I am the only one who loves him… It was so sad and pained my heart. I nodded to Henry.

"Yes. It's hard to see him like this."

"I still don't get it, how you can love him, but I accepted it, so I'm not judging you or anything."

"You are more mature by the day," I said, I smiled at him slightly.

I saw Negan coming out of the room and started to help others with arranging stuff and things, without saying a word to anyone. He glanced at Lydia again.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Henry, distracting me from Negan.

"Sure," I said, turning my eyes back at Henry.

"Does mom and Daryl have something going on between them?"

I almost choked on my own tongue.

"Uh… I think you should ask your mom about that."

"So that's a yes."

"No. I mean, she is trying to protect you. If her love life bothers you, then just don't ask about it."

"It does bother me, because of dad. But otherwise, I wouldn't say anything against it," he shrugged his shoulder.

"You mean, you could accept your mom being a couple with Daryl?" I asked quietly.

"If that makes her happy," he said.

"Okay. Well, I think you should definitely tell her this and discuss the situation with her. Okay? Don't even mention me, I don't want to be involved."

"Okay. Thanks for telling me," he smiled at me slightly. I smiled at him too. We saw Judith hurrying away with teary eyes. I wanted to go after her, but then I saw Negan getting a bowl of stew from the cauldron, heading towards Lydia.

"I better check on Lydia," said Henry, frowning his eyebrows.

"I think you should wait a minute," I said.

"Yeah," he said, while both of us were watching Negan and Lydia from afar.

Negan was trying to give the stew to Lydia, but she didn't accept. We didn't hear what they were talking about.

"We shouldn't stare at them so obviously," I said, chuckling nervously.

"You're right," said Henry and we looked at each other instead of them.

"Negan feels sorry for Lydia. It's really hard for him, that she is angry with him," I said.

"I can imagine," said Henry. "He murdered so many people who were loved by others. He just keeps messing up."

"Well, that's a bit harsh, but unfortunately true. Not in this case, though," I said quietly.

"Most of us wish you were dead, too!" said Lydia louder than she was talking before and hurried away from Negan.

"Now I really have to check on her," said Henry, and hurried after the girl. Negan put down the bowl of stew and headed back to the room where we left our bags. I followed him. I closed the door behind me slightly. Negan was sitting on the floor by the wall, his knees pulled up, his arms and forehead resting on them. I sat close to him. I couldn't tell whether he was crying or not.

"She didn't mean that. She is just angry. It will go away and she will forgive you," I said quietly. Negan slowly held up his head and leaned his back against the wall. He turned his face towards me.

"Everyone here wishes that I was dead. Because of Glenn. Because of Abraham. Because of Sasha. Because I ruined all of their lives," he said very slowly, almost whispering.

I shook my head disapprovingly, while he was nodding yes.

"You know I'm right. What is wrong with you?" he asked quietly. "What is wrong with you for not feeling the same way they feel?" he asked getting pissed off. An alert turned on inside my head. He is angry. I turned entirely towards him.

"Everything is wrong with me. Because I think in a different way. Because I think everyone deserves a second chance," I said very seriously.

"Stop," he said.

"Because you proved you have changed," I continued.

"STOP!" he yelled at me. I fell silent. He stood up and turned to me. "How can you love a monster like me? HOW?!" he asked yelling. I was sure everyone heard outside, but I was in the moment, I didn't care about others outside. I stood up too.

"You're only a monster if you believe that yourself! You are not a monster!

"Keep telling this to yourself… but it's not true," he said growling in his low voice. "I am a monster. The worst kind. Who kills the mother of a child. Who kills the husband of a wife. Who kills a kid's brother. I am a monster."

"You have learned from your mistakes and you have changed," I stood my ground. I didn't understand why he was arguing with me, but I felt this anger wasn't meant for me. He was angry with himself.

We stared at each other for a long minute, then he stormed out of the room. I saw everyone outside was behaving in a strange way, I bet they heard every fuckin' word we said. I turned around and looked through the window. I exhaled sharply.

What the hell got into him? I mean, I know what was that, what I don't know is how to calm him down. Maybe it's something that I cannot do anything with. He has to resolve it on his own. He needs to make peace with himself.

I let out a sigh again, then I followed Negan. I stopped when I saw him talking to Lydia once again. Lydia was shouting everything into his face, that he killed her mother because he wanted to be a hero, but everyone hates him here. That he is selfish and only cares about himself. Then she started hitting Negan's chest with her fists hysterically. I watched the scene speechless, taken aback. Negan let her get out her anger, then he embraced her, while he started to cry again. It broke my heart to see him like this. Struggling this much. Henry walked up to me, we glanced at each other without saying a word. Negan and Lydia were embracing each other, both crying.

"She will be okay," said Henry quietly. "She is strong."

"Yeah," I said, while my eyes met with Negan's. I felt tears stinging my eyes, I quickly wiped them away. I turned to Henry.

"It's okay. Let them be," I smiled at him slightly, then I headed back to the room, to drink a little water. I stood by the window and was watching outside. I saw Daryl and Judith in the distance walking together. I heard the door behind me. Negan came in. He walked next to me without saying a word. His tears were still pouring.

"I'm sorry…" he started after a while.

"You don't have to apologize," I said without looking at him. "What she said… it's not true, she said all of that because she was angry and wanted to hurt you," I said and I looked him in the eye this time. "You are not selfish. You didn't do it to be a hero. You want to make up for your past mistakes and you mean it. That's all that matters."

His tears were falling silently.

"How can you be so kind to me? I don't deserve it at all…" he said. I stepped to him, took his hand, and looked him in the eye.

"We are going to get through this. Together," I said. I reached up and wiped away his tears from his cheeks, then I took his hand. We put our foreheads together. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes, in silence. He didn't hug me, he didn't do anything. Because he thought he was a monster.

"You are not a monster," I said very seriously. He backed away and nodded slightly.

"THEY ARE HERE!" we heard someone yelling outside, we both flinched. We let go of each other's hands and quickly turned to the window. There was the horde, swarming outside, which was nowhere to be seen a couple of minutes ago.

…

Author's notes: Listen to "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. I love this song here. It goes so well with Negan. ❤

Thank You for reading! ❤