Negan, Alexandria

[Negan's point of view]

I woke up early that morning. I just didn't want to face Quinn right now, so I headed outside for a walk. I didn't want to run into Maggie either, that's why I headed to the gates. Jerry looked down and I looked up at him as he was on the post today as well.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Wanted to go for a walk in the forest," I said.

"Are you allowed to go alone?" he asked unsurely.

"I think we're already past that. Don't wake up Gabe to ask him, he's probably deadbeat. Just let me out. I'll come back," I said, but I wasn't sure I will.

"Alright. Just for this once and just because you helped the others bring back food," said Jerry.

"Thanks, Jerry! I appreciate it," I said as he opened the gates for me. I stepped outside in the morning sunshine and headed to the woods for my morning walk. I had to clear my head. I had to think it all through. I was listening to the birds singing, enjoying the warm rays of the sun, but after a couple of steps, my thoughts started racing crazily.

I was so confronted at this point. I heard again all the words in my head that Quinn said while we were in the forest. I just could not believe it. How could she do this to me? I never thought I'll have anyone as important as Lucille was… but now… she was even more important. It was hard to admit it and I'm so sorry Lucille, wherever you are, I hope you're doing fine, but… She's so important. I didn't want to avoid her, but I did anyway because I got scared of my own feelings. I think she noticed, but I don't know what she thinks now. I just…. I just had to clear my head. I'm so in love with her, I can barely breathe ever since she told me all that. And as my head was full of pink dusty crap here goes the bullshit. Maggie and her companion. Elijah was a decent kid, but the rest… I get it, they hate me, great. But Quinn? They hate her for no reason. They hate her because of me. And Maggie bullies her. I know a bully when I see one because I'm one too. Quinn tries to be calm and strong but… I'm sure she takes it all to her heart. And she is suffering because of me. I think I unconsciously tried to avoid her because I was trying to get myself ready…. to leave. If I left Alexandria, she could continue her life and the bullies wouldn't give a crap about her, because I wouldn't be there. She would be with her family and she would be happy. Probably would be sad for a little while, but she would get over me and continue with her life. "Get over me", wow, what an asshole thing to think. I hope she doesn't love me as much as she hinted because that would make it much harder. And my feelings… Doesn't matter. Only she matters. Only her happiness matters. And if her life could be easier and happier without me, then be it. The other thought that scared the crap out of me went like this… I wanted to marry this woman. I played with the idea… Quinn would be my wife. The real one, not like those at the Sanctuary… But Lucille was my wife and I felt like I was cheating on her. Even though I already let her go, I felt this guilt. I didn't feel this with all those women at the Sanctuary, because they didn't mean anything to me. But Quinn… she was important. That's why I felt so guilty. So either I marry her and make everyone even angrier, or I just leave and let her live.

As I was thinking I didn't realize I was walking away from Alexandria. So that's it? Did I do it? I ran away and left Quinn alone once again?

It's such a love story cliché, the guy leaves the girl because he thinks the girl would be happier without him, but she loves him so much, that she suffers to death. So the guy goes back and they live happily ever after. But this isn't a love story. And she would really be happier because the bullies wouldn't bother her anymore. I'm quite full of myself, but not full enough to think she would suffer a lot because of my absence. Would she hurt a lot if I left? She tried to take away her own life when she got banished from Alexandria… And she still missed me during all those years while we were apart. Could she handle it this time? I couldn't figure out what to do. Stay or go…

…

[Quinn's point of view]

As I was sunbathing on the porch I saw Carol coming on the street.

"Up finally?" she asked smiling gently.

"Negan left without a word. What about you?" I asked.

"Daryl left, but he did with a word. He went hunting," she said. "Come on, let's check the wall," she suggested. I nodded and gathered myself up to follow her. She glanced at my troubled face. "I'm sure he'll come back. Maybe he needs time."

"Yeah… Did you talk to Daryl?" I asked.

"Yeah, he told me everything. About those days too when you were separated. It was painful to imagine all those things, but he is here and healthy and happy. So… I think I shouldn't think so much about it," she said concerned.

"He was really weary after the fight," I said.

"He didn't tell me that part, but you did, so I comforted him as much as I could. At least I hope he found my hugs comforting enough," she said thinking out loud. I smiled to myself.

"I bet he appreciated it," I said. When we got to the wall I saw Maggie and her companion already working there. "I probably shouldn't be here," I said.

"Come on, Maggie won't say anything," Carol said quietly to me. I followed her, avoiding any eye contact with anyone. We started fixing the wall a little bit further away from Maggie's bunch.

…

[Negan's point of view]

As I was walking deep in thought, I saw a walker in the distance. I was watching it for a couple of minutes, putting my hand on my knife. It stopped for a second when it saw me and seemed to be confused. It wasn't a walker, I knew at once. I didn't give any sign I knew it. I walked toward him. When I got next to him I tried to stab his head, but of course, he ducked, which I was prepared for and I grabbed his neck and pushed him against a tree.

"A whisperer, aren't you?" I asked.

"How did you know? Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, so you're a new guy. That means some of them from the old group are gathering more people, am I right?" I asked the guy as I clenched my fist on his throat stronger.

"How do you know all this?" asked the guy, struggling.

"Where are they?" I asked through gritted teeth. He didn't answer. "Would you rather die for them? Even after a short period of acquaintance?" I asked trying hard to sound scary.

"Fuck you! I don't even know you, what the hell you want?!" he asked struggling.

"What the hell I want? What the hell YOU want?! You're sneaking around Alexandria and I'm pretty sure there's a reason for that! Alpha is dead, Beta is dead, the rest said they won't come anywhere near us again, so what the hell YOU want here?!" I asked now raising my voice and pushing him against the tree again, to hurt his back. I knew he wasn't going to tell me anything. "You know… Alpha marked her border with the severed heads of her enemies on spikes… Would you like me to send a message with your head to the rest of the idiots?" I asked trying to sound as scary as I could.

"Fuck you!" said the guy again.

"Wrong answer," I said and kicked him in the stomach with my knee. He struggled a bit again then he looked me in the eye.

"One more chance, before I kill you," I stated.

"One more chance to go fuck yourself," he said. I chuckled.

"Really? That's all you got?" I asked, then my face turned serious again. I grabbed my knife and was ready to stab him when an arrow shot through his head. I took a step back startled as the body fell to the ground lifeless. I jerked my head in the direction where the arrow came from and I saw holy Dixon. I let out a sarcastic chuckle, sniffed, and put my knife back in my pocket.

"You didn't have to do that," said Dixon.

"Yeah, I had to. Believe it or not, I have loved ones in Alexandria and this guy is a whisperer lurking around Alexandria," I said, pointing at the corpse.

"Just one guy. There aren't many of them left. Aaron and Carol stumbled upon them at the ruins of Hilltop. They're no threat anymore," Dixon explained.

"Okay," I said. I felt Dixon was examining me with his eyes. "What?" I asked.

"You were leaving?" he asked.

"What if I was?" I returned the question. He stepped closer to me and punched me in the face, which took me by surprise. I took a step back, but this time, I returned the punch. I felt a sudden pain in the wounds on my leg and arm as my muscles tightened, almost at the same time, but I didn't give any sign of them. Dixon spat out blood, put his crossbow down, and held up his fists in a boxer position.

"Come on you piece of shit," growled Dixon.

"Gladly," I said and punched him again, but he dodged. He returned the blow, and I dodged this time and from a duck position I grabbed his waist and pushed him to the ground. I landed another punch on his face, but then he quickly kicked me off, stood up, and kicked my side. My thigh and arm hurt even more.

"How dare you do this to Quinn?!" he yelled at me while punching me straight into the face. "After all she's been through, you just leave her?! You fuckin' piece of crap!" he grabbed my collar, pulled me up from the ground, and hit me in the face once again. I felt blood in my mouth.

"That's why I'm leaving," I said. His fist stopped midair.

"What?" he asked angrily.

"I'm leaving, because Maggie bullies her and I think she would be better off without me. I only bring her trouble," I said. Dixon let me go, straightened up, fixed his shirt, and brushed his hair out of his eyes. I continued as I gathered myself up. "She would be better off without me. You were right. I can't ask her to choose between me and her family. And it's either me or you. If I stay, Maggie bullies us and she will live in fear. If I leave, she can move on and live a happy life with her family."

"No. She would lose her mind and go out alone to search for you. That's what would happen. She would be in danger while searching for you," said Dixon pointing with his finger angrily as he was talking. I spat out blood and wiped my mouth.

"So what should I do?" I asked.

"Don't leave her. Either take her with you or stay. She wants to be with you. Whatever the hell Carol and I tried to do to separate you two, she just keeps holding on to you. There's no other way but to accept it."

"I don't want her to live in fear and I don't want to live in fear either," I stated.

"Are you scared of Maggie?" Dixon asked with a gloating look on his face.

"Yes, yes I'm scared because she could kill me and I deserve it," I stated. "And if she kills me that would definitely break Quinn."

Dixon's gloating vanished and he turned serious as we locked eyes for a second.

Should I stay or should I leave forever?

…

Author's notes: Listen to "Run Away From Myself" by Citizen Soldier.

Thank You for reading! ❤