Chapter 5: Only The Bathroom Tiles Know My Pain

"Ellie, it's your turn to share with the group."

Ellie Nash looked up at the counselor and then back at her hands. This therapy session was the last place she wanted to be. She had been persuaded to go by Ms. Sauve after about an hour of talking. She didn't feel like she was ready for this, at least not yet. The group seemed to be worse than her; it felt selfish to even be here in the first place.

"You can be honest here, Ellie. No one is going to laugh at you," promised the

woman.

What the hell? What do I have to lose?

"Umm...my name is Ellie Nash, and..."

The woman nodded, urging her to continue.

Ellie glanced at all the strangers around her as they eyed her up and down, wondering why she was here to even begin with. She opened her mouth again but no words came out, just hesitation.

"It's alright, Ellie. Don't be afraid."

Ellie wasn't afraid, not at all. She just didn't want to admit that she had a problem. Inside, she didn't believe she did. Cutting had just seemed like a routine thing and her blades were her life savers. She had something to hang on to and ironically, the tools saved her from dying.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough yet, I guess."

Ellie looked down into her lap, half ashamed that she couldn't admit it. As the woman nodded and went on to the guy sitting beside her, she couldn't help feeling like she had let the woman down. Ellie tried not to think about it, but the more she did, the more depressed she started to feel.

After group, Ellie looked at her watch.

11:34. What am I going to do with the rest of my day? Maybe I should just go home. Craig won't want to see me, he's probably with Manny.

Ellie started to walk home, wishing that she had to work today instead of tomorrow. She would rather see Alex again than be home alone with her mother. She wished that just once, her mother wouldn't be passed out.

When she got home, she could smell the thick smell of alcohol in the house and guessed that her mom had spilled an opened bottle of vodka or beer on the floor and had decided she was too hung over to clean it up. Ellie was about to go upstairs to her room when a figure suddenly blocked the stairs.

"Where the hell have you been!" screamed her mother, holding a half bottle of vodka.

"I-I was at Craig's house..." Ellie lied.

Her mother knew nothing of her cutting and if Ellie could help it, she would keep it that way. If her mother ever found out, she would make her daughter suffer with her.

"Craig? Craig Manning's house? My daughter, the whore!" yelled the drunken woman.

"M-mom, I'm not a whore! I'm not even going out with him! He's just my friend." She tried to explain.

"He's just your friend? That's what I said about a man who raped me, Ellie. He was just a friend and then the next thing I knew, I was flat on my back with my innocence being taken! You better watch yourself, Ellie...you'll end up like me if you're not careful..."she slurred.

Ellie found herself on the brink of tears. She felt bad for her mother for being raped, but that didn't mean she could take out her past on her daughter. Ellie felt herself fill up with anger and lashed out. "No, mom! I'll never end up like you! I'll never end up always passed out on the couch! I'll never lie to my daughter! I'll never carry a bottle with me wherever I go! I—"

Before she knew what had happened, a sharp pain coursed through her cheek like a lightning bolt and she found herself on the floor. Ellie looked up at her mother, tears falling down her face like rain.

"Don't you ever talk like that to me, Ellie Nash! I never lied to you! I was able to put a roof over your head and give you decent clothes to wear! I made sure there was food in your stomach! I never let you go hungry! I never broke a promise to you!"

Ellie stood up but kept her distance. "You always break a promise to me, mom! You told me you were going to get help! I didn't see the fruits of that labor! I worked for two months so you could pay the bills but you spent the money on liquor! Oh yeah, mom. You're simply wonderful! I could support myself more than you could ever support me! I could do everything that you never did for me!" Ellie screamed at her mother.

"Fine, Ellie! Do that! Just get out of my house and do that! You'll see how hard it really is to be on your own and then you'll come crawling back to me! You were a mistake, Ellie! I'm ashamed that you came out of my body, you ungrateful thing! Yo are no longer allowed to live here! Don't come back until you learn to appreciate the life you have! Get your shit and leave!"

Ellie looked at the floor for a few minutes, trying to comprehend what was going

on. Her mom had just kicked her out. Hell, she basically disowned her. Where was she going to go? What would she do now?

Suddenly, Ellie felt herself be hit one more time and felt pain near her lip. She glared at her mom with narrowed eyes in disbelief that her own flesh and blood would do this to her. She ran upstairs to collect clothes and personals. As she did this, she could hear her mother screaming still. Ellie made sure her cell was in her bag and some more clothes and then ran downstairs.

"Get out of here!"

Ellie didn't turn around before she exited her house. She decided to let her feet take her wherever she was destined to go from here. Ellie walked for almost fifteen minutes before she found herself at Craig doorstep. She felt her legs shake with fear and anxiety, wishing that she could go somewhere else. Ellie just prayed that Manny wasn't at his house.

It started to rain and the droplets absorbed into her clothes and hair. She felt herself break down, wondering what would happen to her now. She felt homeless, and worthless. If her own mother didn't want her, what made her feel like Craig would?

Ellie Nash took a shaky hand and slowly rang the doorbell. She stood in the rain for about two minutes before she saw someone open it. Craig looked beyond surprised to see her at his house but he didn't delay to invite her inside. She made her way inside the house and sniffed gently.

"Ellie, what happened? Are you alright?" Craig asked her, eying her lip which was bleeding some.

"I'm sorry, Craig. M-my mom kicked me out. Can I stay here with you? I-I didn't know where e-else to go..." Ellie's voice shook.

He took off her coat and then gave her a blanket from the couch.

"Yeah, of course. Sit down, El."

She set her backpack down next to the couch and got it together. "Is Manny here? Where's Joey?" She asked him.

Craig looked at her for a long time before answering. "Uhh...Manny's not here. Joey's at Sydney's with Angie for awhile. Oh god, El. You're bleeding. Did your mom do this to you?" He asked her worriedly before he went to fetch a wash washcloth.

Ellie touched the side of her lip and looked at her finger. She had no idea that her mother had made her bleed. "Y-yeah...apparently. Craig, do you mind if I use your bathroom?"

He shook his head. "No, god no. By all means, do what you have to do."

She took her bag with her, hoping that he wouldn't ask any questions. Hopefully, he would assume that she had her period or something. Ellie locked the bathroom door and then took out her tool. She sat on the floor and dug the blade into her arm, letting her pain and sadness bleed out into a crimson trail. Ellie's tears fall on the floor as she did this and finally took out a red handkerchief and pressed the cloth against the cut, trying to force it to stop. Deep inside, there was something that felt like taking her hand off the cloth, letting her bleed to death right there on Craig Manning's bathroom floor. There was a part of her that just wanted to give up and not care about living anymore. There was a voice that told her to end it all, but then there was another voice, Craig's voice, that told her she had to hang on and keep going.

Ellie let go of the handkerchief after about five minutes since it stopped bleeding heavily. She rolled her sleeves back down and washed her blade before she put it back in her bag. When she stepped out of the bathroom, she saw Craig holding a blanket open for her. Touched, Ellie walked towards him and felt him place the blanket around her before sitting down on the couch, motioning for her to sit down next to him. Ellie did so and then rested her head on his shoulder, taking in his scent.

"Thank you so much, Craig. I wish there was something I could do."

"Just you being here is repayment enough for me." Craig whispered in her ear before gently kissed her cheek.

The two sat next to each other until Ellie fell asleep, dreaming of Craig and how he had made her feel so important and alive like she never was before.