Chapter 10: Contemplation

Craig Manning stood there, dumbfounded. All he could do was wrap the fatherless girl in his arms as more tears slid down her pale face. Ellie accepted the invitation in his arms and started to sob uncontrollably. Her father was the parent she was ever the closest to, and the one who always saved her from her drunkard mother. Her father had basically raised her and treated her like a real parent should. Now that he was gone, Ellie Nash felt so alone, and so desperate.

"I'm so sorry, El. I really am..."

"Thank you, Craig," Ellie cried into his shoulder. She continued to cry for what seemed like hours, and maybe it was, but Craig didn't care. He didn't care about the growing wetness he felt on his shirt from her tears, and he didn't care that she was being selfish. By all means, she had every right to be selfish. It was her time to grieve, and he would let her, no matter how long it took.

She tried, but she couldn't seem to stop crying. As far as he was concerned, Craig would rather have her belt out all her bad feelings than express them in the most negative way that she had such a habit of doing. He held her until the sun set, and thereafter.

When he felt her go limp in his arms, he gently lay her down on the bed so she was scrawled out before he stood up.

When he did, he felt a soft hand grab his wrist. He looked down to see Ellie, looking tired than ever. "Craig, will you stay with me, please? I'm afraid to be alone..."

He sat on the bed and thought for a moment before he spoke. "Why are you afraid to be alone?"

Ellie Nash tiredly sat up and then uncovered her arm, hesitantly. On her arm, old scars were covered by fresh cuts. Craig took her arm and then slowly shook his head.

"I thought you were getting help with this, Ellie. What happened?"

Ellie felt herself grow weak, but her tears were all dried up; she had cried them all away. "I am, it just gets...difficult. Life gets difficult. I'm afraid that I might do something worse, though. Please stay?"

Craig knew he couldn't leave her alone and thought her responsible to tell him and show him her old mistakes and her new punishments. It took a lot of courage to show someone your regrets.

"Of course, El. I'll stay..."

Craig lay down behind her, wrapping his left arm around to her arm and kissed her scarred arm.

He could feel the stricken teen go into a deep sleep before Craig felt his own eyes begin to close.

Ellie woke up the next morning, her stomach empty from not eating for so long. She rubbed her eyes sleepily as she remembered the previous night, and what had happened. She would be surprised if her mother hadn't drunk herself to death by now.

Ellie tried to get up, but was held back by a muscular arm that appeared to be draped over her. She half smiled, also remembering that she had pleaded Craig to stay with her. She carefully picked his arm up and rested it on his stomach before exiting the bedroom.

On the way out, she made sure to close the door as so he wouldn't be woken up by any disturbances downstairs. She tiptoed down the wooden staircase, looking around for any sign of her mother.

"Mom, where are you?"

She peered into the living room where she found her mother sitting on the couch, a cigarette in her mouth, her facial expression unreadable. Ellie walked over to her and sat beside her, staring at the television program.

"Mom, a-are you alright?"

Janice Nash looked at her daughter emotionlessly and then took a drag of the cigarette before exhaling the smoke.

"Please, Ellie. Not now; just leave me alone..."

Ellie sighed and walked back upstairs, grabbed her clothes and went into her bathroom to take a shower. She closed the door, locked it, and suddenly her eyes met the razor that sat so patiently on the bathroom sink.

She looked at it as she began to undress, taking in its purity, its virgin blades, and its...beauty.

No, Nash. Not now...you've been through a rough time, but you will not give up now. You can't disappoint Craig any more than you already have. He lost his father too, but you cannot be selfish. You have to get over it. People die in wars all the time.

Ellie jumped in the shower and started to wash her dyed hair, still scolding herself for looking at the tempting razor that seemed to be calling her name.

Once she washed up and placed a towel around her naked body, her eyes glanced at the temptress again. Suddenly, a noise in her bedroom startled her.

Craig. He was awake...

She heard footsteps walk over to the bathroom door.

"El, are you alright?"

She stood there, looking in the mirror at her reflection. She barely recognized the person staring back at her. Bloodshot eyes, an exhausted expression on her face. No, she was not alright. Ellie Nash felt numb, like her father being killed in the war was surreal. It couldn't have happened. There had to be more than one person with the last name of Nash. She didn't know how to feel anymore. She felt absolutely nothing, and looked like a porcelain doll; her skin as white as death, and her lips outlined in pink.

"Yeah, Craig, I'm okay."

Ellie started to reach for the blade, her hand shaking with anticipation, and guilt. She grabbed the pink handle of the Daisy razor, embracing the texture.

Don't do this, Ellie. You're stronger than this. There are worse people off in the world; you have no right to do this. Just throw it out. Take the fucking razor and throw it out if it tempts you so much. That's what you learned from your support group. Throw it out and grab a rubber band.

Ellie took a deep breath and dropped the razor in the small garbage can next to the sink. She quickly got dressed and then opened the bathroom door to see Craig sitting on the bed.

"There's another bathroom downstairs if you had to go."

"I know, I didn't have to go. I was just waiting for you. How do you feel, Ellie? Honestly."

She thought long and hard and then forced her lips into a smile. "Strong...I feel strong."