Author's Note: Please review, it is quite encouraging. Thank you to all that have!
WARNING: "Slight" slash make-out scene
You would think that this marvelous day would end, but alas, I have no luck, if you have not yet determined. My brother has forced me to stay away from him, (yeah I told him about the mandatory bed-rest) and I had been doing my best to keep those wishes met. However, my brother retracted that order when he became bored. He looked like crap, more than he had before, mostly because I think his hope has been drained, but hey, its not like he's dying or anything. He'll live. Anyway, the two of us watched one movie, and play three rounds of war (the card game), until dinner was declared. And then something funny happened, a rare occasion, my brother passed on dinner, saying he didn't feel up to eating.
I don't like it when my brother doesn't eat. The last time he didn't eat, he was on strike against Hank.
Hank, allow me to tell you, is unfortunately my step-father. After my father's death, my mother was very distraught, and that's putting it lightly. She decided that she was going to pretend nothing was wrong, and than one day, Dive and I came home, and all pictures of my father had been removed from the house, and anything pertaining to my father (this was after her breakdown). Nosedive had a fit that day, considering how young he was, but I told him that everything would be fine, and maybe mom was going a "little" overboard, but it this would be the worst of it.
I soon ate my words, when a week later, (only seven months after my father's death), my mother started dating this man, (Hank) who had always had crush on her since high school. Apparently he had heard about the death, and he had come to my mom's "rescue". My mother became transfixed on the idea that if she remarried the whole family would be happy again, and if there was a male figure in the household, Nosedive and I wouldn't be doomed to failure, (she thought we would become delinquents otherwise). And so, after two months of their dating, and us meeting Hank, and his son, Rodger, (the mother ran off) she announced their engagement. Yeah, it was a bad day.
Anyway, my brother and Hank never got along, not that I do so much better, but Nosedive really went out of his way to make sure Hank knew he hated him.
It was the anniversary of my father's death, (he died in a car accident), and my mother was trying desperately trying to neglect the significance of that date, as was Hank. I at that time was no longer living at home, so it was only Nosedive and Rodger. Anyway, my brother wasn't feeling hungry, but Hank had made my mom's favorite meal. Nosedive said he was skipping out on dinner, he didn't say why, but my mother knew. So, to appease herself, she told him to stay, (if he was upset in his room, than she would to remember her deceased husband). Nosedive said no, and Hank told him to sit down.
Well you can imagine how well that went. It was a battle of the wills, and guess who won? Nosedive sat down, and then through the plate out the window, and declared he would never eat in that house again. Which he didn't. My brother became ridiculously thin, but he wouldn't eat in that house because he said he wouldn't, and so in spite, my brother lost twenty pounds.
I had been notified through my old hockey coach, Jan, (he knew us since forever, Dive since he was six and interpreting for me), that there was a problem. He knew better than to contact my parents. He knew how our dysfunctional family worked. He told what was going on and then reminded me, his door was always open, (we had lived with him on and off, several times), but this time I told him no. This time, I told him, I was taking Dive And I did, and then everything became good, like I can't even tell you. That kid gave me such a discipline, and such a balance in my life, like never before. Now, I wasn't just his friend, his brother, now I was his guardian, and I took that very seriously. Since that point, things sky rocketed up for me. I proposed to Nancy, she accepted, and I received a promotion at work. Everything had been going great, for two years, it was great, and then I find myself here, and I hate here more and more every day.
And now, Nosedive wasn't eating again. And that really pissed me off. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at the situation I was forced to be in, once again. I don't understand why, but I guess when it rains it pours right? Whatever. I skipped out on dinner too, and watched two more movies with my brother, which we talked through a lot of, (some of these movies, had really bad acting, but it was funny to watch the dramatic scene being over-dramatized by the actors, that made my brother feel better) and then my brother finally fell asleep, at one in the morning. That's not good parenting by a non-parental unit, but oh well, the kid needed some fun.
You would think that I would join my brother in sleep, but ah ha, after so many bad movies, and war, your social graces decline, and so I decide now is the perfect time to go pick a fight with Duke. I don't care if he's sleeping, he'll be up in a minute.
I walk over to his door, and start banging on it. I see the light in the room go on, so I stop banging. He opens the door, with a you-gotta-be-kidding me face, but when he recognizes me, he smirks, again, man doesn't he have any other less irritating facial expressions?
"What's up", he signs.
Well, hello there misplaced anger. So we meet again.
I grab his hands and throw them, and him into his room.
"How did you know", I sign angrily, (if it were anyone else, I'd talk to them, but this is Duke, and since I can never understand what he says when he talks, I decide that signing would be best).
"Easy", he tells me, and yes the grand smirk takes center stage, once again.
I glare at him, "How do you know sign language?"
"I'm a CODA", he tells me.
This explains everything.
CODA for my non-deaf friends of my imaginary audience, (which might just get admitted into a "special" hospital, with "special padded walls", oh well I look good in white), is a term that stands for Child OF a Deaf Adult. This term is usually assigned to hearing children with deaf parents. This explains his grasp on the language, and it explains why he signs with the older version of signs, his parents raised him with the older version of the signs because at that time those were the signs.
I settle with that confession, I don't know why, but it becomes less unnerving. He tells me to sit, and the two of us sit adjacent to each other on the couch. I move to one end of the couch, as does he, so we can look directly at each other. With my one leg dangling off the side of the couch, I begin signing.
"How did you know", I repeat, "Did Canard tell you?"
"Canard knew", he asks me.
"It was his idea."
"Why?"
"Because-, wait stop! How did you know I was deaf? Who screwed up? Me or Nosedive?"
I have to know if he saw me signing or Nosedive, if you can't appreciate the reason, appreciate the competitive nature between brothers. I would love to tell Nosedive that it was his fault, we're fun like that.
"What are you talking about", he asks.
"Who did you catch signing, me or my brother", I ask.
He shakes his head. "I never saw either of you signing."
"Than how?"
"Wait", he tells me, "Nosedive knows sign language?"
"Yes."
"You don't follow deaf profile, you do realize this."
I nod my head again, and promise to kill myself sometime soon, if he gets into that.
"Dive really signs?"
He is surprised by this, because in most families where there is a deaf child, the rest of the family doesn't learn sign language and communicate in other ways, (my parents don't know sign language, only minor signs).
"Dive is different", I tell him, and "I lost my hearing at five, I start-"
"That explains why you can talk so well", he says.
I nod my head again and continue, "Anyway Nosedive was born a few months later, and I was determined to have my brother learn my language as I learned it. I didn't want to be separated from my family that way. So really Dive's first language is sign, but whatever, that's how he learned, I wanted a friend, you know?"
He nods his head again.
"So how did you know", I ask again.
"It was hard", he admits, "And I was very unsure of myself too, so I just went in for the kill, and once I "asked" you, I learned the truth."
"What gave it away?"
"It was an eclectic conclusion. I noticed that you mimicked the patterns of my deaf parents. For instance, phone set to vibrate, your TV has the CC-"
"How did you know that?"
"Don't ask."
I decide that it is too late, or early in the morning for that matter to press that matter. No more bad things can happen today and I have feeling that if I ask, I'll get an answer that I won't like. After Duke's fantastic discovery, Nosedive trying to kill himself, Nosedive accusing me of incest, Nosedive being a pain the ass all day (although quite reasonably), no dinner, and now this lovely conversation, I will spare myself the pain in knowing why Duke was in my room, which is locked by the way, in case you care. You don't. Whatever.
"Plus", he continues, after he sees that I'm not going to press the issue, "You always are looking directly at people, hearing people don't do that. At first when you did it to me, I found it unnerving because it's weird to hold someone's gaze for that long, and hearing people look around when they talk to one another many times, you never did that. Another thing is that you never jumped at sounds. You reminded me so much of my parents, and so that was why, but boy did you fool me for a long time."
I take that as a compliment but soon my depression reminds me that I shouldn't being taking that as a compliment because I shouldn't be pretending to be hearing.
"So", I say, "You're not telling anyone?"
"If that is what you want. I respect your leadership abilities."
I laugh. Leadership abilities, please. Doesn't anyone else see how screwed I am? Is it just me? I'm no leader. He looks at me oddly. I don't know why I'm laughing; it's been a really long day.
"What's so funny?"
"I don't know."
"Well glad we cleared that up."
"Yeah, well, alright I'm going to bed."
I wave him off, stand and go to the door, until unfortunately I feel him tapping me. Oh just kill me now.
"What", I ask him.
"You ever go to kindergarten", he asks me.
I nod my head. What is he talking about?
"Than you are familiar with the rule, where each person takes turns?"
I nod again, really not following on what he's trying to hint at.
"My turn."
"What", I ask, it's too late, er early for this.
"Sit down", he tells me.
"No", I say.
"But it's my turn", he says smirking again, I have now officially decided that I hate that smirk, "You got to ask your questions, now I get mine."
"Too bad", I tell him.
"Yeah for you", he signs, "You don't get to wake me up at one in the morning over nothing."
I growl, but sit down, it will be easier if I just get this over with.
"Why did you hide it", he asks me.
"I told you, Canard."
"Why did he tell you to hide it?"
It's amazing, within the six months, I have never had this much conversation between Duke and I, and the most fantastic part of all of this, is that it is one in the morning. I wonder if I hold my breath long enough, if I'll pass Go and get a free trip to the emergency room.
"Because", I said, "Deaf is thought of as a handicap. The enemy could have abused it, plus he was worried about people second guessing me. You know, people associate deaf with stupid."
He acknowledges that.
"But why not now?"
I shrug.
"Give me something to work with."
"I can't", I mean what am I supposed to say?
"Where is your deaf pride?"
Ha, he just had to go there. Why does everything end up centering around that? I have no deaf pride, I have no pride, I hate myself, and my life. Isn't that lovely? Yes, I know, but its one in the morning, give me some credit here.
"My parents-"
"I'm not your parents", I tell him, "You know nothing about me. Stop pretending like you understand where I'm coming from, because of your grasp on deaf culture, because it's not my culture."
"You ashamed of yourself?"
I stand up; I have had enough of this conversation. I don't know why I came in here, at one in the morning. He grabs my arm, and starts lecturing me.
"You always do this to yourself", he tells me, "And I don't even know you that well. But I know you well enough to know that you have some serious confidence issues."
"What are you a psychologist", I scream, (in sign language of course, and yes you can do that too, my hands are becoming red, and the signs are larger, but so what?). Damn, where the hell did he get this? I hate the fact that he could read me so easily. My problems are mine. I don't like other people knowing them, and I hate that he knew it so fast. Bastard. Seriously, how did he do that? No one else has been able to, ever.
"You should have pride in yourself", he tells me.
What does he know? He knows nothing. He thinks he knows, he presumes he knows everything, and that really pisses me off. Did I mention that it is one in the morning? So, I snap. I grab him by the collar, and shove him against the wall, when lucky for him, and for me, the hall light goes on, which illuminates the dimly lit room which is Duke's. I let go of Duke, and guess what? He's still smirking. I really will hurt him. I can you know. I go over to the door to see who could possibly be awake at this hour, and as I open the door, a blonde mess tumbles into me.
"Nosedive", I say, "You are supposed to be in bed!"
My brother looks up at me smiling, thankfully not smirking, I don't think I can take another one of those.
"I'm cold", he tells me, (in sign language), "And I wanted you to get me a jacket, but you weren't there, so I forgot I was cold and came looking for you."
I look at him, and see that he is shivering, ah stupid side effect.
"You forgot you were cold?"
"Uh (this is equivalent to someone just holding their hands in the air), yeah, something like that. Why are you in Duke's room?"
But he stops and his face becomes frozen, and his eyes are dancing and looking at me. I see Duke come up between the two of us.
"It's okay Nosedive", I tell him in sign.
My brother, who is still shivering, eyes bulge out of his head. He points to Duke, thinking that I hadn't seen him.
"Duke knows", I tell him, "Come on in."
Duke grabs a sweatshirt, (a different one, than the one that was supposed to be washed), and hands it to Nosedive. My blonde brother gets lost in the sweatshirt, and can't find the opening for the head. I help him put it on, and when his head pops out of the sweatshirt he's smiling and tells me thank you nervously, as the three of us sit down on the couch.
"You know", my brother says while signing.
Duke nods his head yes, and than to my brother surprise starts signing, "You don't need to interpret."
My brother looks at me, and than back to Duke, ha poor kid is so lost, and cold. I put my arm around him for body warmth, and for some emotional support, cause for some reason this is hitting him harder than it did me. He seems to shrink into me. He coughs, and for that moment, he looks so small, as if I could actually break him if I wasn't careful enough. I wonder if he blames me as much as I do.
"Who screwed it up", he asks.
"What", Duke asks again, not understanding the question.
"Who did you catch signing", he asks, "Me or Wing?"
Duke laughs, "What is it with the two of you? Your brother asked the same thing."
Dive laughs, and than looks at me, "It was so you."
Duke waves at us for the two of us to look at him.
"It was neither of you", Duke says.
"How'd you know", my brother asks, "And how do you know sign language?"
I decide to stop the conversation.
"No", I tell them, "Nosedive you need to go back to sleep," his appearance is really bothering me, "and put those tubes back in, I can't believe you pulled them out. Anyway, come on, off to bed."
"Tell me", Dive says pleading, "And I don't need the IV anymore. Plus Tanya is giving me the medicine through shots, which suck by the way. Now tell me!"
"He's a CODA", I tell him, "And he figured it out because I acted the same as his parents."
"Oh I see", my brother tells me.
And as the two of us are walking to leave Duke's room, my brother collapses, but I catch him.
"Dive", I say sternly.
"I'm okay", he signs.
"Come on", I say, "Let's go to bed."
Duke comes up and starts signing, "Why don't you spend the night here? Wing I still want to talk to you and, the kid can sleep in the bed."
"Nothing deep", I tell him, while still holding my brother, making sure the kid doesn't fall onto the floor.
He shrugs, understanding, and for some reason I submit, and drag my brother over to his bed. Nosedive goes down easily, and immediately after Duke starts signing. I know this goes against everything I am, but I think I am enjoying this.
"I wanted to talk to you about the scar", Duke said. "It's not going away."
"Are you sure", I ask, "I mean with time, it-"
"I've already seen a dermatologist".
"When", I ask him, amazed how this man spends his time.
"Does it matter?"
"Not really, but you do realize that you are on mandatory bed rest?"
He smirks, but this time, I think I might let it go. I look at him and I feel the anger beginning to creep up into my entire body as I realize that a friendship is forming. Damn it.
"Anyway", he continues, "I found an alternative."
Well I hope it's not Nosedive's alternative of clawing it out. Yeah, that really isn't funny. Maybe this is my sick way of handling problems. Who knows at one thirty (yes time has progressed) in the morning?
"But", he tells me, "I don't want to do it, if Nosedive can't. The two of us, bonded. We were both there, and we gave each other support. I want to do it only if Nosedive does too. If you say no, or if he doesn't want to, that's fine, but I won't do it without Nosedive."
That sends a chill up and down my spine. An ex-con bonding with a child while being tortured. My brother is growing up way too fast, and I don't think I can handle it.
"What is it", I press.
He doesn't know the sign for the word, neither do I, which is common in sign language. Words are many times fingerspelled. This just happens to be one of them. After the unknown word is fingerspelled a designated sign is assigned to it. It's just part of the language.
He fingerspells the word, and soon the letters form it. I don't think I like this.
"T-A-T-T-O-O", he signs.
"Safe", I ask him.
"Yes", he tells me, "I went to Grin's guy."
"Grin has a guy?"
"Yeah, you know he has tattoos."
"Yeah, one. I didn't see the rest."
"Do you really want to?"
I shudder at the thought and truthfully tell him no.
"Would the tattoo override the scar?"
We aren't actually saying scar, at this point we are just pointing to the area. Less intrusive that way, and this is also very common in case you think that I'm making up the rules as I go.
"Yes", he says, "I was thinking of hockey sticks crossing each other over it", he tells me, "You know our trademark, not theirs."
"I need to think about it", I tell him, "Nosedive will want to, but I'm not sure. I need to think, and it's really not the best time to do it."
At that moment, Duke points behind my head, Nosedive. He's sitting up staring out into space. He doesn't look okay.
"Nosedive", I say.
He looks at me immediately.
"You okay?"
He doesn't respond, but comes and sits next to me. Damn, he's really upset. I don't want to embarrass him so I decide to keep talking to Duke. My brother falls to sleep eventually on my shoulder. Hmm, maybe my brother really does need this tattoo thing. It'd be good closure. Maybe I should make more decisions at ridiculous times throughout the day, or maybe I'm finally loosing it. No matter, this decision, I feel is right.
And Duke and I talk. Somehow we get into our high school years. Ha, and I thought I was bad. Damn, compared to Duke, I was near fucking perfect.
"So", he asks me, "When did you give up doing drugs?"
I shake my head, smiling, he's keeps kidding me and calling me a druggie like I was an addict, I can't believe we're actually bonding, "For the last time, it was recreational. And I didn't do it that much; I had become obsessed with doing all this workout crap."
"Sure, sure", he tells me. "Damn, though. I would have never figured you to be like that."
I smile, "Yeah well."
He looks at my kid brother, who is sleeping on my shoulder.
"What about Dive? He mess around with that shit?"
"Nah. He was never the kind of person that needs to touch the fire, to know that it's hot."
"Boring", he laughs.
I laugh back, "Don't worry, he had his fun other ways."
"Worse than you?"
Ha, "By far."
He looks at me oddly, as if he doesn't believe me.
"He used to cross dress."
He looks at me oddly. "Just for the helluva it?"
"Yup. Pretty much, and to piss off our step-father." He laughs, "And this whole drag racing thing. He always did love cars. And damn, he had this whole dancing thing."
Duke gives me a look.
"My brother loves dancing. He loves everything about it. He's one helluva of a partier, excluding the drugs and shit. Man, that kid would dance with everyone, boy or girl, it never really mattered, hell he'd make out with anyone too. Kid was a little slut."
Duke is looking at me oddly, but soon he breaks out into a laugh.
"He know about your little habit?"
"Yeah. I told him about it, when I thought he was using. I was wrong, but I was glad I told him. I was going to anyway, when he was older, I mean we're friends."
"Why'd you think he was using? And isn't that hypocritical?"
"For one, I did pot, not hard-ass stuff."
Duke looks at me suspiciously.
"Alright I did some serious shit, but like once, er twice. And with Nosedive, I thought if he did drugs, he'd go straight for that. He's extreme. So yeah, I talked to him about it. And at that time, I wasn't using anymore, I was speaking from experience, so it wasn't hypocritical like that."
"What made you think he was doing drugs?"
"For one, the clothes. He was all out punk. Plus, his friends, were bad influences, and with the partying, and then he seemed depressed at one point, so I just thought that."
"But he wasn't?"
"No, it was something else."
He looks at me oddly, we are after all sharing.
"Look."
I know my brother won't care if I tell Duke. And so, I decide to share.
I take my brother's arm gently into my own. Duke watches me skeptically, he has no idea where I am going with this. I go to the sweatshirt, and roll it up. Then I take the undershirt, and roll that up too, revealing my brother's dirty little secret. I gently move the arm forward to Duke's view, and he sees the scars.
"Shit."
I nod.
"How long did it take you to catch on to the cutting?"
"Two months", I figure, as I gently move the clothing back. "He finally owned up to it, when I brought him out to a park, just the two of us, and I told him some stuff about me, and then I brought him back to my apartment. And after that, he felt compelled to tell me. And he did."
"What did you do?"
"He was crying when he told me", I tell him, "I mean the kid was like fourteen. So I cried with him. And then, he promised me he would stop."
"Did he?"
"No, not at first. But I checked. I made him strip, and did a complete body search every weekend, and so yeah, he stopped."
"That'll do it."
I nod.
"Why did he start? And at such a young age. What about you, when did you start doing drugs?"
"I was eighteen. Huge difference. Anyway, he had his reasons. I mean, my step-father really gave him a hard time. He convinced my brother that he was weird, and a freak."
"Damn, I would have never figured the Flashblade brothers to be like this. I always pictured you guys as perfect little boys."
I laugh, "Yeah well. Perfect is boring."
"Be honest. You ever miss it?"
I have a feeling he's not talking about the drugs, but just that kind of life in general.
"Do you?"
"I'm not sure yet." He bites his thumb, and then continues, "I mean, what I'm doing now feels right. But, I'm not sure if I enjoy giving up that rush. That danger. It's so attractive, and I don't know why."
"I don't know why either", I tell him, "And yeah I do miss it. I loved smoking, I loved going to parties and getting beyond drunk, I loved dirty dancing, I loved getting away from everything, but in the end, its just running away, and once you realize that, the attractiveness of its danger looses its appeal, cause you'll realize you only do it, because it's safe and familiar."
He ponders this for a minute, and then looks at me, "Damn."
"Yeah well."
Then out of nowhere the conversation refocuses itself back to Nosedive.
"He gay?"
"Why, looking for someone?"
Duke rolls his eyes laughing.
"Nah, he's not gay. Farthest he's gone is only kissing other boys. Trust me, I made sure of that. Kid just loves having fun."
I had a gay friend and stuff, but I don't think I could handle my brother being gay. Life is too hard for gays, and Divey's is hard enough as is.
"Kids give him a hard time?"
"Nah, not really come to think of it. I mean, everyone loved him, and those who didn't respected him because of his reputation. Everyone at school always thought he was crazy and hoped that some of his insanity could rub off on them. Plus, the whole damn senior hockey team would have beat the shit out of anyone that had a problem with him, thanks to me. Besides, people that were curios would go to him and he'd just kiss them. It was nothing personal to him, although not everyone always felt that way, but you know."
Duke shakes his head while laughing, "So you expect me to believe, that this kid just had people lining up and down waiting to kiss him?"
"Apparently he's a good kisser, and as much fun as this conversation is, I'm ending it. Believe it or not, my brother's sexual escapades don't give me any visual I need."
"Wing, I haven't been with a girl in a long time, since we left PuckWorld."
I look at him oddly. I don't think I like where this is going.
"Sorry in advance, buddy."
He reaches over and pushes my sleeping brother down onto the coach to the side of me, and before I can do anything, my brother is both awake, and Duke is sitting on his stomach and talking to him. Damn it all.
My brother looks past Duke and sees me. He smiles shakily; poor kid is half awake.
"Let him sleep", I say, "Please for the sake of my sanity, let him sleep. Come get off of him, besides you're hurting him, you're heavier and-"
Duke turns so I can see him sign, and grins, "Nosedive pal, you're okay with this yeah?"
My brother nods, still half sleeping, and that's all the permission Duke apparently needs, before his attacking my brother. I can partially see him running his hands through my brother's hair, as my brother just lies there not truly reciprocating the intensity Duke is radiating.
"Oh come on!" I mutter. Just kill me now. I grab my hair; yes, I will pull out the little I have if it'll stop the pain from watching them.
They keep going and the make out session is becoming more aggressive, and since it's my brother on the receiving end, I want it to stop.
I tap Duke, hard. "Hey knock it off, you're hurting him."
Duke takes one of his hands away from my brother's hair and signs without looking, "No, I'm not."
They continue for a bit more, until my brother kicks my thigh. I know that kick. I pull Duke off.
"He wants to stop."
Divey never was good at standing up for himself.
Duke, breathing hard, turns to me, "Hey, you were right. He is good."
My brother kicks my thigh again.
"Duke get off", I tell him in my older brother voice.
He laughs, and ruffles my brother's hair, "Thanks kid, I really needed that." He keeps panting, and before I punch him, he gets off. "And now, I need a shower, a really cold shower."
He gets up and leaves to his bathroom as my brother sits up.
"You okay", I ask.
Dive nods, "He just was hurting my ribs a bit."
Damn you Duke.
"Hey Wing", my brother asks me, "Can I go back to sleep now?"
See, kissing to Dive is no big deal. He should have a TV camera follow him or something; it'd make for an interesting story.
"Yeah", I tell him, "Sorry Duke woke you up, I tried stopping him."
Dive shrugs, and gets up, and although I expect him to go back to the bed, he comes and sits down next to me, and repositions himself on my shoulder, and within minutes, he's asleep again.
Duke returns and shakes me slightly; I must have let my eyes rest for moment.
"Kid was okay with that right", he asked, "Cause he said he was but-"
"Yeah he was fine", I say, "I wasn't. Besides even if he wasn't, it's not like he'll remember it in the morning."
He smirks at me, "We should do this talking-late night stuff thing more often."
I agree- only without Nosedive or Duke anywhere near each other.
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