Warm hands shook Lily awake Thursday morning. Marlene peered over her with mussy hair and concerned eyes, wrapped in her pale red bathrobe.
"Lily, you've been here all night. C'mon."
"Wha-whatsit happenin, Marley?"
"You need to get dressed and you need to bathe Lily, let's go."
"I'll do it later."
"You can't get dressed later!"
"The other bit."
"Lily." Lily crabbily gathered her paraphernalia and toddered up the girls' stairs after an anxious Marlene.
"Found her," Marlene announced with a flourish. Dorcas came out of the bathroom yawning hugely and rubbing her eyes. Her hair bounced against her shoulder as she nodded hello and began the monumentous task of waking up a snoring Emmeline. Marlene turned around.
"Lily what were you doing there? Have you been on the couch all night?"
"Yeah, so? Why'd ya wake me?"
"So? So? I went to find you because since someone didn't set the alarm last night I realized that someone hadn't come in! We were worried! Lots of things could have happened, Lily!"
"Lucky Marlene wakes up too early anyway," grunted Dorcas as she tried to push a protesting Emmeline off the bed.
Lily instantly felt awful. She had a terrible headache anyway and she had gotten nowhere near enough sleep, but she hadn't thought of how it was her job to set the alarm clock, or how her friends may have been thinking about her.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, looking down at her red pillowcase. "I just…I couldn't sleep and I wanted to look into the fire and think—"
"Fire? Where?" came a voice from somewhere in the depths of Emmeline's mass of tangled black hair.
"Ah, it wakes!" cried Dorcas triumphantly, yanking Emmeline's quilt off of her bed. "Then I'm taking the first bath! And Lily, don't worry, just tell us the next time you're not coming in or we'll think that Snape's got you."
"Yeah, it's okay," said Marlene with a small smile. "I'm sure you're just a little upset…"
"I am upset," Lily admitted, "but you're right and there's no reason to take it out on you. Sorry bout that."
"No problem." Marlene grinned and took Lily's blankets from her hands, laying them out on the bed. "I'm just glad I'm an early riser…so what were you thinking about?" A loud snore told them that Emmeline had gone back to sleep. Lily and Marlene smiled and Lily shared some of her thoughts with Marlene, who rejected just about every idea but the one that said that Remus' illness was a secret.
"Knowing those boys, it's illegal as likely as not," pointed out Marlene.
"Yeah…" Lily fiddled with the fringe of her curtains. She was going to ask James today anyway, just to be on the safe side. "Let's get dressed."
A half hour later, Marlene and Lily were ready to go and Dorcas was pulling her hair up with her usual red band.
"I'll work on the sleeping beauty, you lot go to breakfast and save me some kippers."
"Aye, aye, madam," saluted Lily, still trying to drag a brush through her hair as Marlene tugged her towards the door.
Several students were milling around the Great Hall but it was mostly empty. Lily sat down and poured some milk over her cereal just as Caradoc Dearborn and Benjy Fenwick sauntered over, Benjy with messy bed hair and his hair over his yawning mouth.
"Hello ladies. Seen Emmeline yet?" asked Caradoc. Lily shook her head.
"No, not awake. And you won't see her for a while either, Dorcas was just trying to rouse her when we left."
"That girl sleeps like a hibernating dragon," muttered Caradoc. "I sent an owl to her over the summer and it was gone for hours, apparently it had quite a job waking her up."
"Well she's your hibernating dragon, Docs, so we'll wait I guess. Hey Lily, hello Marlene."
"Morning Benjy." Lily smiled. "You two want a seat?" The only other Gryffindors were three first year girls sitting at the far end, looking at Lily's friends and whispering. Caradoc shook his head.
"We'll try to get in some drills before we eat. Let's go Ben. And Lily, you ought to mention to your boyfriend that if he doesn't have his trials soon, he can expect a bottom-of-the-table opener from Slytherin. I hear they're good this year." Lily's smile froze at the mention of James but she was saved from saying anything immediate by Benjy's groan.
"Caradoc, you're a tyrant. You don't need any more damned Keeping practice and I'm bashing Bludgers from dawn til dusk—"
"Shut it. Bye girls."
"Bye." They waved as Caradoc and Benjy (who pretended to strangle his friend) took off for the pitch. Lily and Marlene talked about classes and this and that before Dorcas and Emmeline finally arrived, Emmeline falling into her seat with a thump.
"Hair looks nice this morning," Marlene commented evenly as Emmeline scowled and grabbed a scone. Her hair was sleekly pulled into a braided bun and delicate tendrils.
"Took forever, I'm bleeding tired," she groused. Dorcas only chuckled.
"You're tired because you were out with Caradoc and stayed up late to do your essays. It took you two minutes to get dresses and a half hour to do your hair. I, for one, don't feel too bad."
"Well you don't count," said Emmeline mutinously as the owls flew in. Dorcas removed her customary letter from a tawny owl's leg and tied on one of her own before handing the owl a bit of toast.
"Oh, Caradoc is at the Quidditch pitch with Benjy Fenwick. They should be in for breakfast though," Marlene said. Emmeline only grunted and sipped her juice.
Lily was scanning the Great Hall but there was no sign of James or any of the other Marauders. Caradoc and Benjy returned eventually, but Lily walked all the way to Herbology seeing neither hide nor hair of James Potter. Herbology, then free, then Potions. Professor Slughorn set them all to researching the entire period and there was no time to even speak. Lily did notice however, that both James and Sirius were pale—James with great bags under his eyes and Sirius nearly dozing off every few minutes—and that there was no sign of Remus Lupin. Lily was disheartened.
Although Lily and her friends sat at the same table as James at lunch, they might as well have eaten in the lake if they wanted to chat. James said nothing to Lily but that seemed to be tiredness, for he and Sirius and Peter choked down a great deal of food in a very short period of time and then promptly fell asleep at the table; Peter snoring into his pudding. Evan Rosier wandered over triumphantly with his cohort Wilkes, only to find Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline watching. Dorcas' wand was out and her eyebrow was raised, as if daring Rosier to move one finger towards the boys' heads. The Slytherins scowled and marched off before the stampede of moving students awoke the drowsy Gryffindors.
Double Transfiguration was no better because there was dictation; and Professor McGonagall had to bellow at Sirius and James to keep them concentrated. James was definitely more awake now, but he was not looking at her at all. Determinedly, I think, Lily figured. He was passing notes back and forth to Sirius, his partner, on a sheet of parchment. His cheeks were red whenever Lily looked over to his desk.
Finally, it was in Care of Magical Creatures that Lily got a chance to speak to James. Professor Grubbly-Plank (bless her dowdly little soul!) had partnered Lily and James on the same unicorn's horn, which they were to take notes on and diagram.
"James," said Lily in a quiet and clear voice. He looked over at her, very apprehensively, and then back at his parchment book.
"Yes?"
"James, why didn't you go on patrols last night?" she asked while trying to keep her tone even. He was slow in replying.
"I…I had to do something. For Remus."
"Oh." There were a few moments of silence between them punctuated only by the scratching of James' quill; he seemed very interested in the shiny unicorn horn before them.
"How is Remus?" asked Lily quietly.
"Fine. Just a bit under the weather, he should be over it by tomorrow."
"James, why didn't you tell me?" she blurted finally, voice stretching as if to break. James couldn't avoid her pleading gaze and his lifted his eyes reluctantly to hers as Lily felt her heart pound.
"About patrols?"
"Yes, about patrols. And whatever you were really doing."
"I told you! I was helping Remus. Can't you believe me?" Now it was he who seemed pleading, even though his words were hard. Lily pressed on.
"Well, I…I do. But what was it? You seemed awful nervous yesterday, and you're not yourself—"
"Lily, I'm fine, really. I'm just…involved now, okay?" He sounded tired. Lily bit her lip and tried to stop her eyes from welling up.
"Good. Well then good. I'm glad you're fine. And I suppose you won't be making rounds tonight, then?" James nodded wordlessly, looking infinitely weary. It was breaking his heart not to be able to tell Lily everything—she was too smart for his usual lies, she didn't understand—but he had told Remus on Saturday, told him days before the full moon, that he, James, promised to be with him. His dating Lily couldn't destroy their friendship, and when Sirius had asked if James intended to tell Lily about Remus being a werewolf, James was hurt. This was evidently something Remus and Sirius and Peter had discussed beforehand; and Remus was regarding him closely as he had answered, saying that he wouldn't even dream betraying that trust and what sort of swot did they think he was? Remus had breathed a deep sigh of relief and offered a smile, Sirius had clapped him on the back and Peter seemed happy that their moonlit adventures weren't going to be disrupted. Sirius had apologized later, but all the same. It hurt him not to tell Lily, though, he wasn't going to lie about that, and the hurt oozed in his heart like blood under a scab.
They spoke nary another word all class, except if James said something like, "Pass the horn?" and Lily would hand it over; or if Lily asked what he got for the question about healing and James would answer her that he was going back to it. It was as if their friendship had never took off and blossomed into something more, and both now thought it was all their faults.
James moped during dinner, said a terse goodnight to Lily and her friends, and headed up to the boys dormitory with Sirius and Peter to fetch his cloak and the Map. The reason Remus was in the Hospital Wing all that day was because his transformation had been particularly painful that moon, and he was covered in scratches and bites. James and Sirius had gotten their share as well while trying to control their transformed friend but James' cuts and bruises were nothing compared to the guilt of doing what was right and still feeling that it was wrong. When they snuck out that night, James took one last look at the door to the girls' dormitories before sneaking through the portrait hole behind Mallory Twiddle, a careless sixth year boy with spectacles and tufty blond hair.
Lily felt like she was moving through a dream. She performed the motions of chatter and homework and then finally lay on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, until it was time to patrol. Marlene was giving her worried looks but returned to reading her book; Lily was grateful for that because she didn't think she wanted to talk about it. About anything. How many nights would this go on before she, as Head Girl, had to say something? It would be James' fault if she had to report him; he wasn't doing his duties, but the thought of stripping James of his badge made her feel heartless, not satisfied. Feeling like she was filled with lead, Lily roused herself with a shake and stole into the empty hallway.
Patrols went like the night before, but this time Lily didn't take so long. She gave a perfunctory look into every corridor and moved on, once apprehending a Hufflepuff fifth year carrying what looked like food from the kitchens (Lily listlessly docked only ten points; the boy scampered off practically cheerful). Once, Lily thought she heard footsteps around the dungeons, but there was nothing in the dank passage except Peeves (from whom she hid). Lily's patrols finished up in the dungeons and she plodded back up the many stairs.
As she passed the statue of Boris the Bewildered, Lily felt a sudden impulse to use the prefect's bathroom. A bath would certainly be just the thing to relax her. Muttering "Peachy keen", Lily entered the white-marbled room. The mermaid snoozed in her frame and Lily tossed her a withering glare. They hadn't been on good terms since last year, when the mermaid had remarked that Lily was getting heavy.
The house elves had left a fresh pile of robes on a low table nearby and picked out a pair of comfy witch's robes and a golden bathrobe. She turned her favorite taps (the carved sapphire, the slim ruby, and the emerald-encrusted) and stripped off her robes. Lily slunk into the pool and sighed with relief, grabbing a scrub brush from a nearby rack. After take a few lengths, Lily began the process of washing out her long red hair. The candles burned pleasantly lower before Lily finally climbed out again, refreshed and yet sleepy. She toweled her hair and after a careful choice, Lily put on the golden bathrobe. Leaving her old robes for the elves and taking the replacements, Lily left the bathroom wand-out, making her way quickly to the Gryffindor common room and hoping she didn't meet anyone along the way. Luck was with her as she awaken a very confused and drowsy Fat Lady and climbed in the entrance.
Lily stifled a yawn. The common room looked so inviting, with its cozy fire and plush furniture. She looked at her old couch longingly and then decided so what, why not? Bone-tired now and almost asleep on her feet, Lily made her way to the couch and wrapped herself in the fresh robes. Tears unshed from the past two days poured peacefully down her cheeks as she lay staring into the fire, her heavy eyes closing with slumber…
Lily awoke with a start some time later. The sky outside was still dark in the windows and Lily didn't know why she had awoken until she heard the voices. Someone, or some people, were in the common room, and they were arguing. She groaned tiredly.
"—ought to have left earlier, Prongs, you—"
"Wait, I hear… shh, shut up Padfoot—" Lily heard a noise like the swish of fabric before the words registered in her brain. She bolted upright and looked over the back of her couch.
Sirius and Peter were staring back at her nervously, Peter looking visibly calmer when he saw that it was her.
"Oh, hey Lily—"
"Evans, what are you doing here?" asked Sirius hurriedly.
"I was sleeping, and what are you doing here? And where's James?"
"What do you mean?"
"I heard him, I heard you. You said 'Prongs', that's what you call him, where is he?" Lily stared around the common room quickly, as if she would find James standing against a wall. Sirius shook his head.
"He's not here. You were imagining it. Just go back to sleep and for Merlin's sake, Evans, go to the dormitory why don't you?"
"Why are you lying?" demanded Lily in anguish. "I know! I know…you…you—"
"Shh," said Sirius soothingly, coming over to the couch. "Look, talk to him tomorrow—"
"I don't want to talk to him tomorrow; I want to talk to him now! James?" she called. "James? Answer me, you—"
"Lily," Sirius said patiently. "He's not here. It was only me and Peter, only us. C'mon, you're tired, go to sleep."
"But I know it, I know—"
"Lily, let's go. You're going to the dorm—"
"I am not!" she said hotly, wrapping her robes tighter. Hot tears fought to course their way down her cheeks again, but Lily held them back. "I am staying right here!" Sirius gestured with his hands helplessly.
"Fine. Goodnight. Let's go Wormtail." They trudged to the stairs. Lily folded her arms and gave the common room one more look-see. Truly, there was no one in sight, but Lily had sworn, sworn that she had heard James. And Sirius talking to James. And if so, why was no one here? And if not, was she beginning to imagine seeing and hearing James? Was she that far gone?
Lily nestled down into her makeshift cocoon with a heavy heart as bone-deep tiredness took her once more. I'll figure it out tomorrow…
Peter entered the boys' dormitory while Sirius paused on the threshold and looked questioningly at the spot where he had last heard James. A soft voice, barely audible, said,
"I'll bung her a blanket Padfoot. Be up soon." Sirius nodded, cast one last glance as a dozing Lily, and left.
James sighed. He wandered over to the plush couch where a pile of red hair spilled over the upholstery. James had a blanket with him; he hadn't been sure if they were spending the night with Moony or not. Taking the worn brown quilt from under his Invisibility Cloak, he first made sure that Lily was asleep before gently laying it over her huddled body. She looked sad but peaceful, her lips slightly parted in slumber. Her hair was twisted around her head in an orange nimbus and on closer inspection to her streaky face, James saw that she had been crying. His heart welled painfully at the thought of having hurt Lily and he looked sadly upon her before walking away and hoping she'd forgive him the next day.
The last memory Lily had of that strange night was an impression of sudden warmth and softness, and a faint odor of musk surrounding her…
I tried to handle it the furry little problem in a realistic way. I think I covered something about James telling or not telling Lily in this chapter as an answer. My idea of the situation is this: The only reason James would ever think to tell Lily is because he doesn't want her getting hurt or mad at him because he cannot always live up to his ideals. James wouldn't think, though, of telling Lily if it wasn't a life or death situation because although he may have liked her for a long time, it's not like they're married yet or anything and his loyalty is to Remus first. This doesn't mean that Lily won't find out one way or another in due course of the entire story. As far as figuring it out, Lily is not going to guess by the first full moon that Remus is a werewolf. The same general idea goes for James telling Lily he is an Animagus.
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READ THIS AND REVIEWED