Marlene awoke Lily once more the next morning and Lily thumped up the stairs to her room groggily, barely hearing the protests of her friend. Lily fell into bed and continued to snooze until Dorcas sharply tapped her on the head and told her in no uncertain terms that if she took more than three minute to get ready, Lily would be walking alone to breakfast. In ten minutes, Lily staggered down to the Great Hall by herself, yawning and tying up her hair with a pale blue ribbon. She slumped down at the Gryffindor table between Marlene and third year, sighing and grabbing a muffin.
"Joey Jenkins is back," murmured Emmeline as she also reached for a muffin. "She came last night, by Floo we think, but we're not sure. She looks okay, doesn't she?"
Lily looked over at the Ravenclaw table and "okay" did not seem to be quite the word. The normally bouncy Ravenclaw was staring into her cereal silently. Her group of friends acted static and nervous and quiet, like they weren't sure if they should talk to her or not. Lily pitied the poor girl; now she would need friends more than ever.
"There was another attack today," Dorcas said, and she almost managed to make it sound casual. "Somewhere in Exeter. Four Muggles and two of the Boneses."
"Four?" cried Marlene in a terror-struck voice.
"A Bones?" Emmeline asked shrilly.
"The Muggles are dead. And…and so are Mr. and Mrs. Bones," finished Dorcas in a quavering voice. Emmeline sucked in air loudly.
"But… how? They—they can't—"
"It was an ambush for the Boneses," said Dorcas bleakly. "The Muggles were…were in the way."
"That's terrible," said Lily in a soft, sad voice. "What horrible things are happening everywhere…" There was silence at the table, as in most other places in the Great Hall. Lily noticed for the first time that both McGonagall and Flitwick were wearing totally black, hats and all, and McGonagall was clutching a large silken hanky that she would occasionally use to dab her eyes. Professor Dumbledore was not in his usual seat at the High Table.
"Where's Dumbledore?" questioned Lily quietly. The girls looked at each other and shrugged while four people approached them.
"After Voldemort, isn't he?" said Sirius Black in a hard voice. The Marauders all sat down casually; James finally trying to meet Lily's eyes. Lily looked back coolly and experienced an odd detachment; James wasn't really hers anymore.
Marlene winced and dug into her cornflakes. Peter loaded his plate with lox and eggs. Emmeline spoke first.
"Black, please bandy around You-Know-Who's name as much as possible. It'd be a delightful way to begin our classes with him swooping in on us."
"Sirius! Emmeline!" exclaimed Marlene with widening blue eyes. "You can't wander around just saying that! Shut up for Merlin's sake! And how are you this morning, Remus?" she asked kindly.
Lily personally thought that another day in the Hospital Wing might do the wan Remus Lupin some good, but he managed a weary smile and groped for the porridge.
"Fine, thanks. Just some complications yesterday." Emmeline opened her mouth like she was going to inquire precisely what those complications were, but stopped suddenly. Lily thought that this might have had something to do with the movement of Dorcas' foot, which she had encountered underneath the table.
"Had a nice sleep?" asked James lightly with a sideways glance at Lily. Lily ignored him and eventually it was Dorcas that answered.
"Nothing out of the ordinary. Pass the juice please, Peter." Peter complied.
"Caradoc's holding Quidditch try-outs on Monday evening," blurted Emmeline. "Ravenclaw wants to start early."
"They could've started in July and they still won't beat us," replied James evenly, but his heart was not entirely in it. What's the matter with Lily? She's not looking at me at all…
"Yeah, except that Joey Jenkins is back and she's insisting on trying out. She's a damn good Beater," pointed out Dorcas earnestly. Emmeline scoffed.
"That's nothing, since I intend to fly this year—"
"As a cheerleader?" interjected Sirius with a smirk. Emmeline threw him a nasty look and the rest of the meal was lost to Quidditch banter, which James joined in only dispiritedly. Lily munched on her apple silently, paying no heed to the odd looks of Sirius, James, or Remus. Peter was either oblivious to her bland behavior or simply uninterested.
All classes and even dinner passed in this sad, slow manner to Lily, for everything seemed sad and slow lately. Dorcas and Emmeline worked hard to alleviate the tension while the Marauders joined in lightly. James seemed like he was trying to speak to her but for some reason Lily just felt so…flat. Marlene barely spoke a word and continued to take measuring glances of Lily. Lily was not at all sad to retreat to her dormitory that evening, quietly excusing herself as Sirius engaged Marlene and the girls in a game that somehow involved wizard's chess and betting. James looked very determined but she quickly slipped up to her room, ignoring the pair of eyes and shiny glasses that followed her every move.
On her bed was the mysterious brown blanket from last night, neatly folded by the house elves over her usual comforter. Lily picked it up and studied it ponderously. It was certainly very soft and worn, like it had been rigorously broken in by someone interested in being very snug. It looked like it had been sewn together of little brown patches a long time ago, and there were the faded threads of initials in the corner that Lily couldn't make out. She sighed; one of the house elves must have made a cleaning mistake…
—But the house elves never make mistakes. Lily shrugged the blanket over her shoulders. It felt nice and smelled pleasant and it was certainly very warm. Lily was detachedly surprised to find that the coldness that had been eating at her insides all day seemed to be abating slightly. Lily settled down cozily on her bed. She drew the curtains and lit a tiny flame in a small glass orb she had recently bought; it lit up the enclosed space with subdued light. Lily drew her knees to her chest and grabbed her book, parchment, and quill. She began her Transfiguration homework but couldn't concentrate. Lily put the quill down every so often and stared off into the distance (the far end of her red curtains). It was quite a while before laughing voices came up the dormitory stair and Lily heard the door open.
"Shh, shh, shut up Emmy!" whispered Dorcas' voice quickly.
"Lily? It's after ten," called out Marlene uncertainly. Lily didn't reply, still day dreaming about just where she and James had went wrong so soon—
"Lily." Emmeline yanked open the curtains. Lily blinked."Let's go now. James wants to talk to you." Lily regarded her carefully and Emmeline's look became questioning.
"Lily, he wants you. Now, he says; he's waiting…"
"You may tell him that he can wait; I'll patrol when I want to."
"When you want to?" asked Emmeline before Dorcas elbowed her out of the way.
"Lily what is it? You've been off all day."
"Does this mean you're going alone?" Emmeline interjected artfully. "You don't want Potter to be there?"
"He can do what he likes…"
"Lily, snap out of it!" said Marlene harshly, even though her eyes were wide with worry. "Go downstairs, talk it out, you've been convincing yourself of things that aren't true again—"
"I don't want to. I have homework."
"That essay's not due for another three days," pointed out Emmeline. "What happened between you and—"
"You know what," answered Lily, her composure cracking just a bit. Dorcas sat on her bed and took her hand.
"Is this something to do with Remus? Because he said that they were there all night, last night and before and stuff—"
"Then why couldn't he tell me that?"
"Ask him yourself."
"I—" Lily stopped. She realized that she was being belligerent. Dorcas was concerned and trying to help. Lily was not ready to submit to James' undoubtedly long stream of apologies—she wanted him to suffer a bit, a taste of not being told what's what—but the advice of her friends made sense. Lily clutched the blanket closer.
"Fine. I'll go now. Can you hand me my wand?" Wordlessly, Emmeline gave Lily her willow wand, which Lily gripped tightly in her right hand.
"Thanks." Lily made her delayed way to the door and then meandered over to James, who appeared to be waiting alone on the loveseat. She stood in front of him—tacitly refusing to sit—and waited. A dull pitter patter, like that of a butterfly beating its wings against a glacier, sounded in her chest.
James looked up at her unhappily. Her waves of loose hair were faintly unkept and she turned only a blank stare on him with her sizzling green eyes. Her chin was held high and altogether, it felt like Lily was observing him as if he was a sort of tiresome child, or a clear piece of empty wall…
James stood up and pushed through his hair. He was determined to break Lily out of her proposed lassitude, even if she nearly killed him in the process. With a jolt, James looked past her face and realized, with a hard swallow, that she was wearing his blanket.
"Look Lily," he began, running his rehearsed speech that he had practiced all last night, "this is hard to talk about. I don't want to give you the wrong ideas about anything, so I'd like you to get whatever you're thinking out in the open so I can fix it. Tell me what's happening."
Her answer lashed him like a whip. "You left me to do something else that you refused to tell me about." James winced.
"Lily, you wouldn't understand if I told you—"
"Try me," she replied inflexibly, fixing him with her flashing eyes. "I'm a smart girl."
"I know, I just…" James sighed again. He didn't even know how to do this. "I promised someone something, and—"
"A girl?"
"What?" James was startled. Lily thought that he had been so worked up over another girl? Did she have any idea what she did to him whenever she was around? Could she even comprehend how much he wanted to get to know her? To be with her?
"You said you've like me for years," continued Lily, her eyes welling up even as she stared at him unflinchingly. James knew his heart was constricting with pain. "You said that, and you can't tell me anything? At all? You couldn't have even…" Lily sniffled, angry at herself for crying. What did it matter if stupid Potter didn't really like her? Plenty of other people did; Lily didn't need him….even if she had started liking him back—
"Lily, I can't! How can you even think it was another girl?" James was in anguish. "Huh? My friends just needed me, I couldn't have told you then because I owed it to them. I owed it to them. Can't I ask you to please understand that?" he pleaded. Lily saw Remus coming down the stairs behind James, looking stricken.
"Prongs, is this about—"
"It's fine, Remus, I've got—"
"No, no, shut up. Listen Lily," Remus turned to her beseechingly. "James was doing something for me, I swear. It was stupid me to ask him but—"
"No Moony, don't even talk like—"
"And I'm sorry," Remus continued loudly over James' heated objections "if you're having a hard time believing that but it's true. Believe James; he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't asked him. And that's all I've got to say." Remus paused. James looked like he was about to say something angrily but Remus concluded, "I'm, er, going back in…just came out here to facilitate…"
"Moony, you stupid git, don't say things like that," snarled James. "If anything it was me and Sirius. You were always—"
"Shut up Prongs." Remus offered Lily a weak smile and marched right back to his bedroom. James looked mutinously after him and made moves as if to follow, but he stopped when Lily gave up a small sob. The ice in her body was melting. Remus and James might have a fight now, it's all my fault, why oh why…
"Lily, come here." James opened his arms and Lily flew into them, still crying.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she grieved into his shoulder. "I just didn't know what you were doing or if you hated me—"
"Hated you?" James drew back and stared at her.
"—and now you and Remus are going to have a row and it's all going to be because of me and I shouldn't even be crying and I wish I wasn't and—"
"Lily, be quiet. We're leaving." With a sniffle, Lily let him put his arms around her and steer her out of the portrait hole. She had almost forgotten that they had been in the common room. Won't this be the talk of everything tomorrow…
James led her down the hallway and faced her under a long row of windows. The brilliant waning moonlight streamed over their faces. Lily swallowed heartily and managed to control herself.
"James, I've been a prick. I'm so sorry."
"No, I guess I could have told you more. I'm sorry too, but please, please understand. I can't always tell you everything." Lily nodded. Being happy and with James was better than being depressed and without him. James smiled, jubilant once more.
"Good. Now can you hand me over my blanket?"
"Your blanket? So you were in the common room last night!" James paused but then admitted,
"Yes."
"Then why didn't I see you?"
"Because I can become invisible." Lily elbowed him playfully and laughed for the first time since Wednesday.
"Don't take the mickey out of me, James. What was it really." James just shrugged and grinned. Lily pursed her lips; this was going to take some getting used to.
"Okay then. But I'm keeping your blanket. I like it."
"Suits me. Now, Miss Evans, can I take you to the kitchens for a late-night snack?"
"James, we're supposed to be catching people popping to the kitchens for a late night snack."
"Then we'll need to be doubly sharp, won't we?" Lily rolled her eyes.
"C'mon." They did patrol—early, as James pointed out—but thoroughly, and it was indeed late when James finally dragged Lily to the kitchens. They were both pretty tired after meeting Peeves on the sixth floor, where he was busily covering the floor with wads of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. Lily was still picking bits of blue gum off of her robes while James tickled the pear deftly and grabbed the green door handle.
Instantly they were swarmed by house elves in the brightly-lit kitchen. Lily was amazed that they would be awake so late into the night, much less cooking or feeding the fires, but James was picking a small parfait off of a tray and handing it to her.
"Mister James, Mister James!" peeped up a tea-toweled elf. "You is bringing a friend into the kitchens, how nice! Here Miss, you take these biscuits too—"
"Oh but I couldn't," Lily began, but James breezed over her hesitations.
"Thank you, thank you dear elves. Miss Lily and I will be taking the sugar biscuits back and that will be all." Lily snorted. Dear elves… The elves squeaked in approval. One elf in a chef's hat that appeared to be created from dishrags spoke up,
"Anything else we can be getting you, Miss? Mister James had never brought a girl to the kitchens before, usually Misters Sirius and Peter and Mister Remus. Although Mister James does have a wide circle of girlfriends, why one time I is cleaning—"
"That's enough," said James hurriedly, taking the red velvet drawbag handed to him by another elf with eyes as wide as tennis balls. It smelled like delicious sweets and sugar inside. "We're leaving now, g'night you lot…"
"Goodbye Mister James! Farewell! Good luck to Miss Lily too!"
"Thank you," smiled Lily graciously. "Everything in the castle's always wonderful by the way." The talkative house elf dipped into a low bow that had its nose nearly sweeping the floor.
"We is pleased that you regard our work so well miss! Come again soon!" James tugged Lily away and they munched sugar biscuits on the way back to the Gryffindor tower.
"Girlfriends, eh?" said Lily with a shrewd glance at James, even though she knew what the house elves had meant. James seemed embarrassed.
"Er…yes. Friends-who-are-girls I imagine, can't fathom what that elf was talking about—"
"They seem to know you well."
"They ought to, we found out about the kitchens in first year."
"First year?" James smiled rakishly.
"We were industrious students. And Sirius and Peter ate like trolls." Lily laughed, feeling the warm melt of floodwater cruising comfortably through her body. James didn't hate her, and he was sorry, and he…oh wait—
"James, whatever you're doing with Remus isn't illegal, is it?" asked Lily suddenly. James stopped short and there was no mistaking his guilty look this time.
"I… er…"
"James! Is this going to get you expelled?"
"Not if no one catches us."
"James!" James was wary, trying not to break the fragile peace.
"Listen, I can't say anything. I promised."
"James, please be honest with me. Can't you answer just a few of my questions?" pressed Lily desperately. James squirmed but finally answered her,
"Fine. A few. If I can't tell you, I won't. Deal?" Lily ignored him nd plunged ahead.
"Could you or anyone else get hurt?" James looked away.
"Yes."
"If someone found you out, could you get expelled?"
"Yes."
"And Remus?"
"And Remus." Lily exhaled sharply.
"Then how could you still—nevermind. Is this some stupid stunt to endanger someone you don't like?"
"No."
'Is it a half-baked thrill-seeking plan?"
"No…" James was getting very uncomfortable now. Lily couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"And Remus is fine with all this?"
"He has no choice, none of us do."
"Where do you go?"
"I can't say." Lily was exasperated but trying to keep her temper. Any number of stupid schemes ran through her head.
"Will you ever stop?" she asked carefully. James shook his head.
"Highly unlikely."
"Would I like it if I found out what you were up to?"
"Lily, I—"
"Do you take safety precautions?"
"Yes," said James, relieved. He was eager to share. "Loads. We have our wands and everything, and Sirius and me—" James stopped, unsure how much to give away.
"So Sirius is in on this too?" followed up Lily quickly.
"Yes. We all are. And please don't ask me to tell you anymore."
"Does Dumbledore know?" There was silence. James shook his head again, looking positively miserable now.
"I see…" Lily clicked her teeth as they climbed the stairs, and weighed her options. James was doing something that was totally illegal and dangerous, probably out-of-bounds or in the Forbidden Forest. They were all dragged into it and no matter what she said, they wouldn't stop. Every rule and every code screamed at Lily to report something, or at least to snub James until he told her more, but she didn't give in.
"Well if you must…" James picked up his head swiftly, eyes bright with hope.
"Really?"
"James, you wouldn't stop even if I asked you to, so what's the point? Either I walk off in a huff for something you're not going to change and I accept it and try to get past it. I like the second one."
"Brilliant! You won't regret it Lily, I swear. Nothing'll—"
"That's what you said about my going out with you," said Lily dryly. James got back a bit of the old twinkle in his hazel eyes.
"Speaking of which, do you know what tomorrow is?" Lily blushed red. She had almost forgotten.
"Hogsmeade."
"Yes indeed. I have a surprise planned, Lily Evans, and it's all for you."
"Charming, I'm sure. No dungbombs involved this time, Potter?" James looked highly affronted.
"That was third year!"
"Fourth."
"Oh."
At the bottom of Lily's stairs that night they faced each other. Lily was leary of this part; she didn't know what James would do. James, naturally, had no such reservations and pulled Lily's cheek right over for a soft kiss on the lips.
"Glad we're back to this again." Lily socked him in the arm and smiled.
"Me too. Goodnight, Potter."
"Sleep tight, Evans. And I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast." Lily departed for bed and James stared after her with a relieved smile. Things were right in his world again.
Yes, the sadness ends here. I didn't mean for this to get so emotional but I figure Lily has a right to get overworked up about James after all, and she's still in "teenage hormone" range so I did it anyway. Next chapter is Hogsmeade, woot.
James and his friends have been through a lot together so they're not just going to split because James likes Lily.
Remus' problem was resolved here. I pictured him sitting in his room with Sirius and Peter watching the Marauder's Map and then just thinking "Oh damn" and running downstairs to head off confrontation for James.
(Elspeth Renee)
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READ THIS AND REVIEWED